Here we are … two years.
By
February 26, 2008, we held our sweet, lifeless baby boys in our arms. I labored, pushed, held them, I slept with them. No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep them warm. {I tried so hard.}
Part of me went with them, which brings me peace knowing they have some of their Mom with them, even today, as they shine down on us every single day.
And they left so much with us, their spirits, their guidance, their unbelievable love. They shine brighter than anything else in my world.
Which makes me ache for them, now more than ever.
They live with us, in their own way, in the only way we ALL know how. I marvel at the fact that we as family, here are earth, and they, as brothers, beautiful in heaven, work together so intricately to create a balance of family. A balance of love that has no boundaries.
Anna loves them with all of her heart and soul. She never fails to say that once this baby is born in just over four weeks, that she will have FOUR brothers. Sometimes never specifying that two are in a place that we can not see. {but only feel.}
Noah loves but fears so much. As the four of us worked in the baby’s room the other night, he seemed to hesitate and finally said “but WHAT IF he dies?” His knowledge of death makes my heart break, what do you say to a six year old boy who should only know LIFE and not death?
I never know what is the right thing to say back to him, I want to reassure him but I have the same thoughts, way too many times a day. We use words like TRUST and FAITH and LOVE and HOPE.
trust.faith.love.hope.
Yes. We are trying. And we have two boys up in heaven giving us the strength we need to do just that. Not a day goes by that we are not grateful.
***
To all of you who love James and Jake, there are so many of you, I wish I could describe to you what the feels like, but the words, they fail me. Just know that it’s bigger than you’ll ever know. Thank you for remembering. Mostly, though, thank you for loving.
J&J – I know you feel what’s in our hearts today (and every single day) – we can’t have you right now, as precious, playful, curious toddlers, we can’t smell you and hug you and kiss your owies. But instead, we have the most perfect angel babies standing guard, offering us strength and showing us love that will never, ever leave. It’s only grows. It’s so beautiful and we are so grateful for you.
“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5
sending you so much love from Ohio. xo
I’m so sorry for your loss….
what a blessing children are and you just reminded each and everyone of us of that….
and your pregnancy photos and being real….I love being real and applaud you for doing so !
i’ve been thinking of your sweet boys extra today. praying for your peace. for you to feel that: HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
as much as we enjoy our lives here, they truly are just vapor. so fast. and the fletcher party in heaven someday? for FOREVER? it is going to be awesome.
so thankful for you and your family. james and jake will be forever remembered and loved.
Thinking of you and sending lots of hope and love your way.
When my Chloe died my oldest daughter was 3yr. We had already named her Chloe and Brittany was excited to be a big sister. Within a few days of her death we found a kitten at our doorstep. My daughter picked her up and asked if we could keep her. After a few days I said okay. I asked her what she wanted to name her and to my surprise she named her Chloe.
That was 17yrs ago and she still remembers all about why that name was so special to her.
It’s horribly scary to be expecting again after a loss. But I got through it with the help of a smiling baby 3 years later.
Bless those beautiful souls….
Beth,
I found your blog through Erin’s blog and I guess this post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. We learned yesterday that we lost our baby. We were only 10 weeks, so very different from you, but still devastated.
Thank you for your words. They have brought comfort to a mom who is still very raw.
Amy
Praying for you during this difficult time….My heartbreaks for your family but rejoices as I know that you will hold a baby in your arms soon…not to replace those beautiful boys, but to add to your family.
I’ve typed, deleted, re-typed, re-deleted so many things in response to this wonderful post. Everything I attempt to say pales in comparison to how wonderful you wrote this tribute to them, and to their love and light that shines down on all of us.
All I can say is hugs and prayers for you and your family today and prayers for the safe delivery of the one that is to come.
you are so precious, beth. so completely treasured by God. i’m praying for you (and your sweet family), for peace and joy and life.
(and i’m asking God to stop me throughout the day and remind me to pray for you, each day, till you’re holding your littlest in your arms. and even then.)
BIG hugs to you all. My heart breaks all over again
(iheartchocolate)
Two years feels different than that first year, doesn’t it? Not quite as fresh. Still meaningful and special, don’t get me wrong. Just different, especially when pregnant with another or with having a newborn.
I have been thinking about you all day. This post is beautiful and raw, of course. I truly hope there was some laughter amongst the tears in your day today. I just KNOW James and Jake are up there having a ball and want you to do the same. I’m sure that you honored your boys beautifully today. You are the best mommy to them…the way you continually share about them and outwardly love them.
You amaze, friend…you really do
Oh Beth, I will never forget your angels James and Jake. I still wear my favorite t-shirt on an almost daily basis and I wear it proudly and with great honor. Now as you await the arrival of your new baby boy, may you feel the peace and love being sent your way. Love ya, Mimi
Oh Beth, I don’t even know what to say..I remember this day like it was yesterday..I remember checking your blog and your sister, Sarah had posted and I just cried. As I read your blog today, I cried again..Speechless, but love those two boys just like they were mine and love you to..Your family is always in my heart and prayers…trust me, I never forget you and that beautiful baby when I pray..
Prayers for you and your whole sweet family.
<3 sending love <3
HUgs!
Wishing you all a peaceful night.
There just aren’t words to reply…but I’m here, reading and remembering your sweet sweet boys!! I’ve claimed that verse many times…keep on walking sister!
Sitting here in tears. Two years . . .
My heart is with you, Beth.
My heart aches for you,your children, & your whole family today & tonight. I know exactly how you feel. About having an older child that knows WAY too much about death instead of life. About both of my children wanting, even aching, for a sister since their’s is in heaven (6 yrs this March).
Praying for Y’all!!
Having a heavy heart on a day that will be etched into your mind forever. Your new baby boy WILL be born alive, perfect in every way.
wow… truly remarkable and amazing words. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
James and Jake are certainly loved. I know they have a permanent place in my heart. Strength and love and peace to you, as you prepare for your fourth baby boy.
I’m sorry I didn’t post yesterday when I first read your post. The right words fail me…just know that I think you are incredible and your faith astounds me. I will never forget your sweet James & Jake.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story to make us all realize even more how precious life and children are and how blessed each day is with them.
Thank you for sharing your story. It made me cry, I can’t even imagine the feeling of your loss. It is truly brave and deserves respect to share it and to continue loving and living. Your story inspired me and I really needed to hear Romans 5:3-5
“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Thanks. I pray blessings for you and your new little one.
you brought tears to my eyes (and if i wasn’t siting here in public they would have been running down my face). Your boys will live on through your love. 24 years ago my brother’s wife and I were pregnant at the same time, when she gave birth one week before my son was born, her baby girl, Meghan did not survive. My heart broke for them, for all of us, but the one good thing that came out of it was an enormous understanding of the blessing I was given when my own son was born seven days later. I was so much better of a mother than I might have been otherwise because I was so grateful to have him there with me.
As my mother would say: Bless your soul.
Beautiful! I love it when you said how a part of you went with them and it is comforting that they have a piece of you with them in heaven. So true. Just so you know…I still remember and always will!!!
How beautiful your love is for your two angel babies. You are such an inspiration and those babies in Heaven and here on Earth are so lucky to have you as their Momma.
Swing by my blog… I have an award for you!
Wow, I can’t imagine the pain & anxiety that must come with this pregnancy for you – thank you for sharing in this post, and the earlier one about decorating the baby’s room. I can’t imagine the heartbreak that comes with talking so honestly about death with your small son, but I pray for you and your family often – God brings you & your children to my mind all the time.
I’m new to your blog, but I am sending my love.
My son was born prematurely and stopped breathing on his first night, but they were thankfully able to resuscitate him. That time was hard enough for us, so I cannot and will not pretend to even know how you feel.
xx
I am so sorry for your loss!
You brought tears to my eyes.
Beautiful.
I cannot believe that time passes so quickly. I remember reading about your sweet babies on Steph’s blog that day and popping over.
I almost lost my first daughter during labor because of an umbilical cord issue, so your story really broke my heart.
I’m thinking of you and your family as you prepare for a new life and as your sweet boys in heaven will be big brothers.
Even as far away from the computer as I have been today, I have kept you and your family in my hearts. So much love to you Beth, as you mark this day.
I think of you often Beth. I pray for you daily. I also have faith and hope and know that God’s love will bring this sweet baby to your arms safe.
I can’t imagine the pain you carry. Bless your family and your new precious that is on the way.
wrapping you in peace, light and love.
Beth, this is such a beautiful post and expresses what’s in all our hearts. James, Jake, Jonathan, and Grace will always be part of our very blessed family.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was beautiful. To hear the faith of God through your words was amazing.
I couldn’t really respond to the poignant beauty in this post until today. I touched right on my exposed, pregnant nerves.
Praying for peace and JOY for you and your family, Beth, as you prepare to meet this new little blessing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I have not lost a baby, but when I was 17 my mom had an almost full term stillborn. My littlest sister. Rebekah would have been 17 this year.
I love that verse. Some days hope is all we’ve got. But a beautiful hope it is. Blessings~ as you remember and walk forward in faith.
Deeply sorry for your loss. Don’t know what else to say…
My sister died when I was 3, she was 14. I don’t know how my mother ever got through it. But I can tell you, when I saw the photo of your dresser with your reminders there it reminded me of my Mom’s dresser. My sister died 35 years ago. Her dresser still has trinkets and photos of my sister there. And I love that they’ve never moved. Keeps her always with us.
Your boys will never be far from you and you are and will always be a mother of twins…I pray that that you will enjoy the beautiful blessing your soon to be addition will be to your family. God bless you and keep you all safe and well.
oh my, I just want to hug you. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and light.
All my love is sent to you and your beautiful family, Beth. I continue to pray for you all! Love you- Amy
I’ll let my words be few … just wanted to say I’m praying for your family.
I never realized that James and Jake shared a birthday with my son before. I’ll say an extra prayer tonight for them and you all.
Two years ago was when I found your blog through Steph’s. I remembering how odd it seemed to me that I was crying for someone I didn’t know. When I saw that you were pregnant again I sent up prayers. I’ll continue praying for you and your beautiful family.