The truth is, I am having a hard time. I’m hesitant to write this post because I should be showering rather than posting but mainly because I don’t think I can handle all of the judgement that could potentially go on from writing this post.
You know how us Moms and future Moms can be when it comes to babies, right? We all know everything? We all know what’s right and what’s wrong and we’ve all said “if that were my baby, I’d do this not that ...” And maybe you’ve never said it, but you’ve thought it.
Yes, you have.
It’s pretty awful but we can’t help it, that’s what makes us mothers, I guess. But I’m hoping as a human you’ll just listen to me and let me talk this out, let me share this with you because I know I am not alone in my thoughts. Somewhere, someone can completely relate to what I’m saying here. And if not, that’s okay, I need to share. This is my therapy.
Elijah is a difficult baby. The day he was born, he was the coolest little baby, totally laid back, just laid around sucking on his perfect little fingers, hanging out with his family, I even called him Vincent Vega because he was so cool.
But then the first day ended and he wasn’t so easy going anymore. When he was three days old, he was up for seven hours straight, crying.
I’m not going to lie to you, it’s been downhill ever since. And not downhill in the sense that I’m going to jump off of a bridge because I am not. Downhill in the sense that this tiny baby who was supposed to just “eat, sleep and poop?” Well, that was false advertising. He cries.
ALL OF THE TIME.
He very rarely has quiet awake time, where he just looks around an takes it all in, in fact, it’s so rare that we all just kind of sit and watch him when he does do it, marveling at this quiet moment of him not in our arms or screaming. I usually grab a camera because “Look! He’s not crying or nursing and his eyes are SO BIG AND BEAUTIFUL and oh crap, he’s crying again.” (as I write this, Brian is walking around with Eli, keeping him calm, it’s peaceful but I feel like I’m taking up Brian’s time by writing this. Mommy guilt at it’s best.)
Eli is a really great nurser, he has beautiful poopy and wet diapers, as of last Monday he was gaining just like he’s supposed to, everything seems to be okay with him except how can that possibly be when he’s obviously trying to tell us something with his little (BUT BIG) cries?
Today I am meeting with a lactation consultant where she is going to watch me nurse, just to rule out any problems there. Eli loves to eat and gets impatient waiting for letdown, he kicks and screams and grabs my nipples, it’s fun. But we manage to work through each session. (thanks to the support of my sister and my best friends.)
At first I thought that this was just the normal newborn phase but after three weeks of feeling like your baby is always miserable? Well, now I’m wondering if there is something else. I’m trying not to feel like a failure but I’m feeling like a failure.
This too shall pass, I KNOW THIS. I know that before I know it he’s going to be working on his math with me at the kitchen table and I know that this time passes so quickly that we often don’t even remember it but honestly, that doesn’t help me RIGHT NOW at this moment.
I just want my baby to be happy. And comfortable.
I can’t seem to accomplish that.