I’m so tired. Are you tired? I think I’m getting a cold and it stinks.
Today we are leaving for my sister’s house. I’m excited but extremely nervous because my feedings with Eli have gone from okay to bad to worse. Each session is just as frustrating as the one before. Most feedings I spend walking around feeding him because otherwise he screams at my breast. I’m not sure where to go from here. I just don’t.
I’m so disappointed that after 12 (nearly 13!) weeks this still is not anywhere near a good nursing relationship. Well, sometimes it is, but not often. I feel like I’ve tried everything and still continue to work at it but it gets us nowhere. Things I’ve tried and (some) still continue to try: blessed thistle, fenugreek, mother’s milk, pumping after each session, switching (upgrading) pumps, walking and nursing, seeing a lactation consultant (multiple times), having Eli checked for problems, switching positions…
but when he nurses well, it’s so beautiful and I’m so thankful for all of the hard work I’ve put into it. And now, when I’m putting him to sleep, he sometimes turn his head down, he puts his forehead on my arm, spits his pacifier out and starts to suck on my arm which means he WANTS to nurse, so I do and oh, I love that I can provide for him what he wants at the moment.
I just wish he wanted it more than say, three times a week.
But I do want to say that I don’t think formula feeding is the end of the world. Both Anna and Noah were formula fed after having a rough start in the NICU and you know what? They are everything I could ever dream of – we have a wonderful affectionate relationship, they are super smart, I just wouldn’t change a thing about them. (well, I maybe would have them do a better job of making their clothes right side out before putting them in the hamper, but you know, beggars can’t be choosers.)
Anyway, breastfeeding should be so much easier and cheaper than formula feeding and it’s really awesome and beautiful - that’s what keeps me going. But I’m not sure he really wants me to, based on every single feeding throughout the day, day in and day out.
Enlighten me, friends.