I’m so tired. Are you tired? I think I’m getting a cold and it stinks.
Today we are leaving for my sister’s house. I’m excited but extremely nervous because my feedings with Eli have gone from okay to bad to worse. Each session is just as frustrating as the one before. Most feedings I spend walking around feeding him because otherwise he screams at my breast. I’m not sure where to go from here. I just don’t.
I’m so disappointed that after 12 (nearly 13!) weeks this still is not anywhere near a good nursing relationship. Well, sometimes it is, but not often. I feel like I’ve tried everything and still continue to work at it but it gets us nowhere. Things I’ve tried and (some) still continue to try: blessed thistle, fenugreek, mother’s milk, pumping after each session, switching (upgrading) pumps, walking and nursing, seeing a lactation consultant (multiple times), having Eli checked for problems, switching positions…
but when he nurses well, it’s so beautiful and I’m so thankful for all of the hard work I’ve put into it. And now, when I’m putting him to sleep, he sometimes turn his head down, he puts his forehead on my arm, spits his pacifier out and starts to suck on my arm which means he WANTS to nurse, so I do and oh, I love that I can provide for him what he wants at the moment.
I just wish he wanted it more than say, three times a week.
But I do want to say that I don’t think formula feeding is the end of the world. Both Anna and Noah were formula fed after having a rough start in the NICU and you know what? They are everything I could ever dream of – we have a wonderful affectionate relationship, they are super smart, I just wouldn’t change a thing about them. (well, I maybe would have them do a better job of making their clothes right side out before putting them in the hamper, but you know, beggars can’t be choosers.)
Anyway, breastfeeding should be so much easier and cheaper than formula feeding and it’s really awesome and beautiful - that’s what keeps me going. But I’m not sure he really wants me to, based on every single feeding throughout the day, day in and day out.
Enlighten me, friends.
I am not sure what you should do either. All that I can tell you that after two easy nursing relationships with my first two, my third who is now 9 months old really threw me for a loop. I think Evan and Eli are somewhat similar. Evan had / has reflux. Even after getting it under control with medication at around 7 weeks, nursing continued to be very difficult and unpleasant. Lots of screaming and thrashing with only small moments of things going right. For months I was so worried that things were never going to get better and that he was not going to thrive. But, check up after check up he continued to gain weight in spite of the fact that I had NO idea how that could be happening. And then, happily, somewhere around 7 months things just inexplicably got better. A lot better. Like…perfect
I do not know what will happen for you but I wanted to try and encourage you and say that I had no hope that things would ever be normal…but eventually, they were 
We all have to do what works best. Period.
PS – I do also fully support your statement that formula is not the end of the world
I don’t know if I really have any enlightenment, except that my aunts called Luke “walking taco” as a baby because I had to walk and nurse him, even at 5 months. It made him happy, and it made me happy because he wasn’t spazzing and headbutting me. And then, I had to practically buy him a pony to get him to STOP nursing at 22 months and sometimes now he still asks to nurse, but maybe I shouldn’t share that because now everyone is going to think that my kid is a perv. Sometimes I wish I’d had a crystal ball with Luke for those first few months, so that I could see that it really would get better. I wish I had a crystal ball for you, so we could figure out what’s going to happen and what we can do to make Eli happy. (But seriously, have you thought about taking him to see Dr Nancy?)
In the end, though, just know that I am so proud of you. You’ve put in far more than most women would or could and that makes you amazing in my eyes.
I’m new to your blog, but am enjoying it!
I had a rough nursing experience with R as well. He’s 6 months now, and I stopped breastfeeding about a month ago, after having to exclusively pump for a few months before that.
The first six weeks of breastfeeding were great. Then we had a perfect storm of events (including me having to have my gallbladdre removed) that led to supply issues. I really, really stressed about it, and my decision to finally stop pumping a month ago was not something I took lightly (by the time I quit pumping, I was spending a few hours a day pumping to get one full bottle for him). But looking back, I have to say that the decision to switch to formula 100% was right for both of us…now feeding times are so much calmer and relaxing for both of us. I’m not stressed about how much he’s getting, he’s not struggling to eat. I’m not spending hours a day stressed about how much I’m pumping, when that could be time spent with him. I’m not saying you should give up breast feeding if you don’t want to…more offering up my experience because while I was in the midst of the struggle, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, if that makes sense.
When I was pumping, though, we would have some mornings when he clearly did want to nurse. It wasn’t every day, but he had his telling signs (like you mentioned in your post). And I just got to a place where I just tried to enjoy these moments. I knew they might be fleeting and few & far between, but instead of trying to force him to nurse when he didn’t want to — and stressing us both out — I just tried to enjoy the closeness during those few moments.
Good luck!
Oh, and just in case I didn’t make it clear enough, YOU.ARE.AMAZING.
Wow! 1st commenter – that never happens! I know how you feel I have tried to nurse all three of mine but in the end have had to suppliment formula as well. I always felt like I had a split personality when it comes to nursing. I would tell myself that as long as they are eatting they are ok, reguardless of breast milk or formula, then when they would cry as nursing time I would cry as well and feel like such a failure! My best advise – nurse when he will let you and supliment when he won’t. Continue pumping and know that you are a great mom and are doing what is best for them!
Whether you stop, or keep going, you are wonderful and are trying to what is best for you both. Nursing is special and cheap and tender, but it can also be stressful and painful and a battle. You have to do what works best for you and for Eli too.
I didn’t have too much trouble nursing my only babe for 23 months, but I did have a terrible time pumping and keeping my supply up (work full time outside the home). I tried all those same supplements and I tried eating oatmeal every day and I tried two different pumps…etc. I didn’t find anything that was terribly effective for me. Looking back, I think my stress level and anxiety about pumping and supply hindered me. Ultimately, I’m glad I kept going, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that stress took a few years off my lifespan.
Has your LC ever suggested a supplemental nursing system? I know some people suggest it, and for me, actual nursing did much more for my supply and self-esteem than extra pumping sessions ever did. I was just thinking that perhaps him nursing at the breast would encourage you to make more, and yet he’d get more results for his work with the supplemental system (less frustrating)….I may be way off base there though.
Beth-
No life-altering advice here, sorry. Just waned to say that after nursing two babies (until 12 mos and 15 mos) if I had a lot of difficulty with #3 and it was making me or baby miserable and I had tried everything, I would consider formula. This is just what I would do, looking at things from a different perspective with a 3 & 5 year old now I think I, too, would agree that formula is not the end of the world. I think it is easy to get caught up in thinking you have to nurse but really having a happy, healthy baby, a sane mama and doing what is best for the whole family is the most important thing. Big hugs to you!
I don’t think that nursing should necessarily be easier. I think that the things that are the best in the world you have to work for! :0) It took me about 12 weeks to get into a good nursing routine with my first, and about 6 weeks with my second. I say stick in there girl, keep working, keep fighting! You’re doing great, I’m so proud to know that there is someone else who won’t just say “it just didn’t work”. Congrats, you’re doing wonderfully!
I’m sorry I don’t have any good advice for this one. I did try to nurse only one of my children and it was heart wrenching for both of us, after a few months I did the switch and we were all much more at ease, but that hurt too! I hope and pray you find good advice and that you and Eli find what works for both of you!
I think one of the things that kept me going was believing in my ability to do it. I didn’t use bottles, after our NICU life with my oldest. I was lazy! wayyyyyyyy lazy. I was so lazy? I used to shoot Caffeine into his mouth, then plug in a boob instead of the way the NICU nurses told me, pump, put the caffeine into the bottle with he pumped milk? too much work! plug and go was my way of doing things. Having that ability to believe that you can and will do this and survive it is the best thing ever for supply issue. I think a lot of Bfing is mental energy. I didn’t use schedules either, all my boys spent a lot of time at the breast, and in our bed for those first 3-4months while we were establishing that nursing relationship. If you are using bottles? try to get the nipples with the tiniest holes possible so he’s still having to work his jaws and suck reflex. This will keep nipple confusion (refusal) down. the babies like “Me” wanted the easy route. I used a Shot Glass for MJ when I had to go out without him.
It’s an incredibly hard decision to stop breastfeeding. I did it at right about Eli’s age. We went through an ER visit, overnight hospital stay, lactation consultants, gastro, video swallow studies and breastfeeding specialists at one of the best childrens hospitals in the country and finally got to-he most likely has a milk and/or soy allergy that doesn’t present normally. After a week of cutting all milk and soy from my diet (which by the way, one, the other, or both is in EVERY processed food), he was still screaming with misery after each feeding. Most likely because I was living on peanut butter-guess what else we now know he’s allergic to?
We switched to an elemental formula that was $25 a can. Things improved but we still struggled on and off w/ feeding and weight gain until he was 9 mos old and could have definitive blood allergy tests done. Which revealed he was allergic to milk, but not to soy. We switched to soy and he did great on it. Today he’s on the second stage toddler soy formula and tolerates some regular milk in yogurt and cheese-he’s gradually outgrowing the allergy.
There were some clues to the milk allergy, but all the dr.s pooh poohed it b/c it didn’t present normally. And then they told me if he was allergic to milk, he was probably allergic to soy so just cut them all out. If I’d tried a more moderate milk-free diet first, he might have responded well enough to keep breast feeding. If nothing else, we could have a least tried a regular soy formula before the expensive and still milk based elemental formula-we would have saved hundreds and he probably would have been far happier on the soy.
When your baby won’t eat (your milk or formula), it is the most heartbreaking thing in the world. And like you said, when they nurse well, it’s amazing. So I don’t know what I’m trying to say here-I guess that there’s lot of people out there that understand maybe, maybe eliminating milk might be something to try? Or maybe just try to track if his reaction to feedings seem to vary with your dairy intake…
I don’t have any experience on breastfeeding {we are sans kiddies} but I do appreciate the positive spin on this breastfeeding post. I’m happy to read you’re not putting too much pressure on the topic — you rock.
xxoo!
My daughter nursed well but often and for very short periods of time. She would nurse for 10 minutes, quit for 10 minutes, again and again allfreakingdaylong! And she was fussy constantly. When I went back to work (at 12 weeks) the babysitter would feed her Similac Sensitive (the best ever!) and I would nurse her when I got home.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. He doesn’t have to be a “formula baby” or a “breastfed baby”. Let him have the best of both worlds. Nurse when he feels like it, andi f he doesn’t? Give him a bottle.
The newborn stage is so challenging, but it’s almost over for you. Soon you will be blogging about how cute his laugh is and how messy he gets when he eats applesauce.
Praying for you
I was bottle fed and turned out just fine
I’ve been following your blog for awhile after stumbling on a You Capture on someone else’s site. It’s great!
Have you been to a La Leche League meeting? At the beginning when we were having so much trouble, the other mom’s and LLL leaders helped me more than anything…and it’s nice to have an excuse to hang out with a bunch of other mom’s and babies once a month. You can find a group near you on the website http://www.llli.org.
My advice, for what it’s worth since I don’t even know you, is that you can try all the teas and things, but don’t forget, nursing is supply and demand — if you want to boost your supply, he needs to nurse. So get rid of the pacifier. If he’s crying, you should be the “pacifier” (What did women do before they were invented?) Also, if you haven’t tried it co-sleeping is great for nursing and building supply, because it’s guaranteed he’ll nurse more than he would if he were sleeping alone. Also, you don’t have to wait until he’s hungry to offer. Sitting at the computer? Reading books to your older kids? At the breakfast table? See if he wants to sit on your lap and nurse. Even if it’s just for a bit, it take some of the pressure off trying to get him to latch when he’s hungry, it’ll be a way for you two to connect, and it’ll boost supply. Anyway, just my two cents. Good luck!
These are great comments. I agree with everyone who says not to drive yourself crazy with breastfeeding. It’s great that Eli has had breastmilk for the first months of his life and you have gone above and beyond to give it to him. As you said, formula-fed babies are perfectly happy, healthy and bonded to their moms, too.
Like someone else said, my kids are a little older now (8 and 5) so my perspective is different than it was when I nursed them. Back then I drove myself crazy trying to keep breastfeeding long after it got hard. They both nursed easily at first but stopped around 5- 6 months. They just weren’t interested anymore. I think my older son just wasn’t getting enough from me to remain interested (but he’d suck down a bottle of formula) and my younger son constantly pushed me away and fussed (and it turns out that he has nut allergies and at the time I ate a lot of peanut butter).
I’m not sure what your pediatrician is saying but, based on my experience, I’d consider reflux, allergies and low supply. Good luck, Beth. This is hard. You’ve done your very best for your little boy. I don’t know you but I know he’s lucky to have you for his mama- for so many reasons. At this point, I’d just do whatever brings the two of you the most peace.
I nursed my first three without issue. My fourth threw me for a total loop. He was what the LC called a barracuda feeder. He literally ate my nipple. On my left side I was missing a complete chunk of my nipple. In order for it to heal I had to do a straight week of pumping and feeding him the bm out of a bottle. Well of course, even after it FINALLY healed he had become bottle addicted. I was determined to give him what my older three had, so I kept at it. I would start every feeding with nursing, he would scream, thrash, freak out. I would attempt to get him on for 10 minutes, it would hardly ever happen, and then I would finish the feeding with a bottle of bm, and then pump what he did not eat. It was a pain in the you know what, to be frank. It took SO LONG for every feeding. One day he just caved and melted into me. (Around 8 or 9 weeks old) He has been nursing ever since, he is going on seven months old. Now we fight with distraction, and preferring solids over nursing, but if we got through his barracuda days we will get through this as well.
I will note that so many people have told me, LC consultants included, that so many babies and moms do not come back from this bottle addiction. Like it hardly never happens. I am telling you my story to give you encouragement it CAN happen, but am caveating it with this disclaimer, that it may not. Gus is a totally laid back guy, so I had his personality in my favor. If Eli is high maintenance like my twins, then you may be in for a bigger fight than I had. The rule of thumb I use is you should switch to formula if you resent your nursing relationship. If you do not feel resentment keep going, until something breaks and you enjoy it, or you begin to feel sad about it, and then switch to formula.
Good Luck!
With my first son, he wouldn’t latch on. We tried several different lactation consultants for hours on end while in the hospital. I finally decided to pump my milk, and then after 6 weeks of only pumping, I dried up. My son was formula fed from 6 weeks til 11 months when we had to switch him over to whole milk. He did HORRIBLE on formula. We tried all different kinds. Even when we switched to whole milk (a month early per doctor’s orders), he did bad. It wasn’t until 14 1/2 months that he could drink (only) 2% milk. Now my son is 3, very smart for his age, etc.
My 2nd son (he is almost 10 mths old), nursed very well, and I exclusively breastfed him for 9 months. Once he hit 9 months, he started biting, every feeding was miserable for me, and I was so tired of it. I LOVED nursing though. I wanted to continue to nurse until he was a year old. Especially since I didn’t get the chance to nurse my 1st son. So it was a very hard decision for me to give up nursing. It was even harder knowing that he had never drank from a bottle or anything. So to quit cold turkey and go straight to only formula feedings and a bottle was very hard.
But after a week of it, I knew that I had made the right decision. Not only for me, but for him. My husband and I could get no real date night because he wouldn’t take a bottle. So I had to feed him, leave for a “date”, and we had to be back within the 4 hour eating times. So we were getting NO breaks at all. Well my husband was, but since I stay home, I was getting no breaks. I was constantly tired because he wasn’t sleeping through the night. Once I switched him, he started sleeping through the night, I was happier because I didn’t have a baby biting my nipples off every 4 hours, I wasn’t in constant pain, etc. And with me being happier, he was happier.
I do have to say that I was NOT in pain until the last week that I decided to quit nursing. All the other months were great for me and the baby.
I guess what I am trying to say is that although I think nursing is the way to go, I don’t belive it is good if it is wearing on both the baby and the mother. My friend’s midwife told her if the mother is extremely stressed , then the baby is getting stressed milk which makes the baby fussy. And even if you aren’t stressed with other things, the stress of nursing and Eli still not being happy could be enough to make your milk “stressed”. If you have tried everything (and it sounds like you have), then I would recommend switching to formula. Only you know which decision is right for you and Eli. I wish you both the best of luck.
Oatmeal
Oatmeal cookies, oatmeal with honey, whatevs! It’s a killer milk producer for some women. 
Also, you may want to try ditching the pacifier – nurturing his sucking needs using only *you* as … well, as a walking binky
may help a lot too. (both my boys had binkies after we had established our good relationship, which they later rejected for sucking and use for teething purposes lol. But the key was, no pacifier until they were good nursers. They get confused.)
Comfort nursing, (what he’s doing on the paci right now) is part of what stimulates your body to make milk, it’s all part of the cycle. It’s especially important early on that your body gets all the encouragement it needs, and he learns to turn to *you* for his needs, especially since he seems to not be.
Also I second the suggestion of La Leche League. I *strongly* second it. This is me, lovingly shoving you out the door to a meeting
My first was a formula baby from 4 months on because the PPD got me so bad I had to go on drugs he would get through my milk. No more nursing for me. Even as I sit here nursing my second (5 months) I do not feel like I lost out, or made a bad choice the first time around. He’s obviously no worse for the wear from it, and I bonded easier with him than I did Charlie. He’s still my best bud, all 18 months of him.
If you’re committed to breastfeeding, then there *is* more you can do, for just a bit longer.
And if you decide to cut bait, that’s okay too. Cause it’s more important you all be happy and healthy together.
(And I learned with my first, it’s actually possible to somewhat simulate a BF relationship with a bottle fed baby. You just have to be really committed to always being the one who feeds them, holding them as near as you can to a nursing position…etc. )
I agree with Sasha about the paci thing. The lactation consultants in the hospital with my 2nd told me no pacis until he was at least 6 weeks old and had established a good nursing relationship.
I’m going through a similar situation with my 7 week old. Half the time, she nurses so well and snuggles and holds onto me and is happy as can be. The other half of the time, she fights, flails, cries, headbutts me, punches me, maybe nurses for a couple of swallows then falls off. She hates formula – will actually spit it out and cry. But she will take a bottle of breastmilk so we alternate. When I can nurse her and she’s happy, we nurse as long as she’ll stay on the nipple – both sides. When she’s unhappy, hubby will bottle-feed her from a supply we always have on hand. So far, it’s working and she’s still gaining weight perfectly fine. It’s stressful and I hate it that she doesn’t want to nurse on me all the time but I do what I can.
Just know that you aren’t alone and you know as a mom instinctively what is best for your baby. Go with your gut and the cues you get from Eli. It will all be okay.
<3
I really like what Amber has suggested- I am a human pacifier- that’s for sure, and I nurse on demand, sometimes all day long/all night long. (from infant to toddler) (You know that already.)
IF you want to keep nursing, I’d keep on trying every thing even if you don’t think it will work. It’s worth a try.
IF you feel like you’ve had enough and your heart and head and body needs a break, then do whatever you think will get you through.
For me, not nursing would have been like the end of the world, so that’s why I did what I did and do what I do. I know it’s not like that for everyone else so I could never push my personal desires on another mama. I want you to be in the right place for you.
Because I love you and know your intentions are good.
Steph
I feel you have to do what is right for you and your little blessing. My first two were bottle fed and my second two were breastfed. My oldest son had no problems on formula. My second son had no problems with formula but cried non stop for the first year. He has had stomach problems his whole life. I felt horrible for not breastfeeding him. We found out at twelve and a half after many years of medical tests that he has had problems with his small intestine since he was born. My third son was breastfed for fourteen months. He had reflux really bad. I ate so bland but nothing helped his pain or reflux. Our youngest son was breastfed for twenty-six months. He had a lot of stomach problems, reflux, and was not gaining weight. I ate very bland with him also but his stomach issues or reflux did not change. All four boys have food allergies. All four of them have anaphylaxis food allergies. Today at 15, 13, 10, and 7 they are all very healthy except for food allergies and the 13 year olds medical issues with his small intestine. You have to decide what is right for you and be at peace with it. No matter what you decide someone will not like it. I believe happiness and peace does not come from others but from whats on the inside. True beauty comes when you find peace with yourself from looking within not in the mirror.
I say that you’ve obviously tried EVERYTHING imaginable, you’ve worked SO hard for these 13 weeks, and because of that, Eli has received 13 weeks of the benefits of nursing, and now it sounds like it’s time to switch to formula if you feel like it’s time. Only you know when that is and I bet deep down you kind of already know what you want to do. It’s okay to do it, and like you said…Anna and Noah are so smart and amazing and loving, Eli will be the same no matter what you decide. You deserve to enjoy feedings with him and to be able to pass him off to whoever is there and willing to help feed him and you can sit back and HAVE A BREAK!! Yee haw! Can you even imagine??? So if you decide to switch, I get to feed him next time I visit!!!
I had only one good nurser out of my three and it’s not the current baby! She really wanted no part of it either and I TRIED and tried until she was 2 months old when I finally gave in to just pumping for as long as I could. I stopped that when she was four months and I feel like I gave her as good of a start as I could.
What I’m trying to say is that I understand where you are right now. It’s so hard when we know in our hearts that breast milk is best for them. BUT. You also have to do what is best for yourself, as the Momma. I learned that with my first baby.
It sounds to me like you’ve exhausted all the ways you know to try and make it work and that’s what us mothers do. We work so hard to do the best we can for our babies.
I know whatever you decide at this point Eli will be fine and so will you. I’m always just glad to resolve the ‘feeding issues’ so that I can move on and fully enjoy my babies.
Much love and hugs to you Beth. I hope it all works out very soon…
After a bumpy start, my first born took to the breast really well. So much so, she never wanted a bottle. Unfortunately, I had to cut her off cold turkey because I was going back to work, I could not for the life of me pump, and she would NOT take a bottle from anyone. I quit my job after 5 weeks. I had already dried up. (Insert major GUILT here!)
With my second one, I was thrilled to be a stay at home mom and dreamed of the beauty of breastfeeding him until he was 9-12 months or so. With this one, I was not producing enough milk, so I had to supplement with formula. It didn’t help that he was (and still is) a tank. (Insert major postpartum here).
How is it that when I couldn’t, I could, but when I can, I can’t. I felt like I was majorly defective. Does that make sense to you?
Anyway, my OB told me to give that boy a bottle with formula and get one of my own (with wine) in order to relax and enjoy my baby. She said me stressing about it was doing nothing other than stressing him. She was right. No sooner I or my mom or my husband or my daughter or anyone else for that matter, gave Sam his bottle, our home was much more peaceful.
We need to take care of us in order to take care of them.
I’m proud to say I have extremely healthy and beautiful children and if God were to bless us with another one, the formula will be bought and ready,… just in case.
I’m sure you’ve thought of everything.. But what if you met in the middle of breastfeeding and formula feeding and just became an exclusive pumper? Just pump and only feed him (from a bottle) the pumped milk? That way you’re still giving him the breast milk that is so so so important and still not spending an arm and a leg (because yes, it is that expensive) on formula?
No matter what you decide to do, I hope something works out for you
I think you should do what your heart tells you will make things right. People can debate the breast feeding issues with great fierce, and along with that comes these huge guilt trips. I don’t agree with that. Sometimes it JUST DOESN”T WORK OUT. And that is okay…really…it is. I have a son who will be ten next week and he was formaula fed from the get-go and is the most healthy, happy, well-adjusted child I I have ever been around. He and I have a very close relationship as well as he and my hubby.
You have tried your darndest, and what I hope you will come away with is that the frustration of trying to “fix” what isn’t working is cutting into so many happy moments you can be sharing with Eli. And one sthat your husband and the kids could be sharing as well! Don’t run yourself through the wringer any longer. Enjoy him!
I bottle-fed my first son exclusively. I breastfed my second son (named Elijah James!) for a while and it was rough, rough, rough so after many tearful conversations with the la leche people, breastfeeding moms, etc.. I finally waved the white flag of surrender and stopped nursing. I vowed not to feel guilty about switching to formula and it made everyone in my house so much happier to end the constant struggles. Elijah is 20 mos old now and doing just fine. By the way, we call him “Lijah” or “Lij” for short. I don’t mind “Eli” as a nickname, but I kind of prefer “Lij.” But anyway, I digress… Best wishes to you, Beth.
Mason i thought was “born to nurse”….then I had to have back surgery and for (when he was 4 weeks old) 3 weeks he had to be on the bottle because of my medication. I was devestated. I got him back on the breast again as quickly as possible…and it has never been the same, he is almost 9 months old now. He will only nurse really well in the morning and I pump like a fiend the rest of the time, so he gets all breast milk – in a bottle – and one formula bottle at night before bed….i totally empathize with you, it is frustrating and heartbreaking at times. Keep pumping! he will get it either way and that is good for the both of you.
My daughter came out of the womb ready to nurse. When she was born, she nursed for 2 straight hours…talk about a painful introduction to nursing! Then…around 4 months…she stopped. She didn’t just stop, she screamed and kicked. She kicked me so hard, that at one point, she had a tiny bruise on her leg. I went and retook a bfing class that I had done when I was pregnant. I talked to lactation consultants all the time, sometimes multiple times a day, and when I saw that bruise…I threw out all of the advice that I had been given. I knew that my baby girl wasn’t happy. So, we started on formula. She was a happy baby, and I’m glad that I made that decision, for both of our sakes. She’s now 2, and when she was starting to despise nursing, that was the hardest time for me. I knew she was hungry, but I didn’t know why she didn’t want to nurse. It really bothered me… a lot. I’m to the point now where I AM comfortable with the decision I made. At first, I wasn’t. I was a new mom and I had dr’s telling me that I was a doing a disservice to my daughter. What was I supposed to do?? I did what felt right to me.
So, that’s my advice..well. It’s not really advice, just sharing my story. (((HUGS)))
I wanted to comment after your last post about your frustrations with breastfeeding, was it about a month ago? But I did not. This time however, I am going to. This comment made me:
“It’s so hard when we know in our hearts that breast milk is best for them”.
How do we know that breast milk is the best for them? It’s obvious that bottle fed babies are just as well nourished and just as well adjusted. What’s happening now cannot be good for either you or your baby. Elijah has gotten all the benefits of that first milk and did so in the first 3 days. I can’t believe you hung in there this long. with those nipples in such bad shape. He is not happy, you are not happy. Why are you continuing to torture yourself? Take some bottles and formula along on your trip and and give your poor body a rest. And have a great time!!!
As one doctor put it – “There is no shame in bottle feeding. This is not the 1800′s where the baby would starve if you did not feed him”.
Amen to that!
It took a couple of months for my daughter and I to both enjoy nursing. It was painful for me and stressful for her. After trying a millions things and seeing LCs and reading books, websites, etc., one day it just worked. Actually it probably got better over time. Either way we nurse for 15 months until she weaned herself. Don’t give up; nursing was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. I can’t wait to do it again.
GOOD LUCK!!!
Oh my breastfeeding difficulties are the WORST. With my first he was born just shy of 36 weeks due to PIH/HELLP and had no suckle reflex and after two weeks of trying to do the BFing thing I just threw in the towel. My second baby (11.5 months later, see I can relate!) was an avid nurser in the hospital and once my milk came in at home she refused to latch. I was also totally winging it, had no idea what I was doing and let her screaming stress me out to the point that I yelled to Hubs “get me a bottle, NOW!”… thus ended our BF relationship.
Last Sept when our third was born I was DETERMINED to BF. I felt I had given up way to soon with my older two and I really desired that closeness and bonding I had seen all of my girlfriends have with thier babies. I saw a Midwife for my pregnancy and she was super encouraging. So little man was born and was awesome in the hospital. He was awesome at home, MW came to check up on me on day 2 and taught me how to side-lie nurse. Amazing. I could sleep. We struggled at first with figuring out how to latch, etc and he was fussy sometimes after eating, and occasionally would cry at the breast, but being a newbie really I figured it was normal… then at his 4 week check up when he had barely gained any weight (like 6 ozs in 2 weeks) and my MD freaked out I was like Uh oh… I called my LC who said to start pumping after I BF and not to worry if I didnt get anything out it would stimulate things to produce more milk, I started Fenugreek (9 pills a day or something crazy) and nursed constantly. Little man would nurse on average for at least 60 min at a time, if not more. By the time he burped and fell asleep I had like 45 min till he was hungry again. And then 2 weeks later he had gained 8 oz. Not much but it was better. I took him in at 8 weeks 5 days just for a weight check and he had lost weight. ARGH! That was it I could not handle the stress of worrying about whether or not he was getting what he needed. I started supplementing that day. I gave him like 2-3 ozs then would BF for as long as he wanted. Within 6 days he went from hour long nursing sessions to 15 minutes. Oh and he gained 1.5 lbs in that week. My poor “colicky” baby was hungry this whole time.
We figured out later with the help of my LC that he has a very high palate which keeps him from getting a good suction when nursing so even though he was suckling like crazy he wasnt able to draw out the milk properly and was burning more calories trying then he was getting. Poor guy.
I grieved over stopping nursing, after about 3 weeks he wasnt interested at all. But you know what he gained weight, became this happy go lucky baby (which he was NOT before at all, he had moments but very rare) and it SUCKS to make that switch especially when we tried so hard and I wanted it so bad, and had waited so many years for this sweet little boy.
I know I gave it my all for almost 12 weeks so I dont ever let myself feel guilty for “giving up”. I know I tried everything I could and it was out of my control. Sometimes it really just doesnt work out. I am gonna try again with this new little one who is arriving in about 6-8 weeks and hope she will be the one it works out with. But if not, I know it will be okay.
HUGS Beth!! I know how much you love your sweet little Eli and want this for the both of you. You are an amazing mom no matter what road you choose to go down with feeding your baby. You have to do what WORKS… and sometimes BF just doesnt work despite our best efforts.
(Sorry for the novel!)
I’m sorry this is such a frustrating experience for you. The nursing thing can be so confusing and draining and just blah sometimes. I was such an emotional wreck when I had my first kid and part of that was because I felt like I had to nurse but I didn’t really like it and then I felt guilty and so on. But at six weeks I quit trying and switched to formula and it was the best decision for us at the time. My last three kids have been good nursers and I’ve had a better attitude about it and that has been great. Right now I give my baby (7 weeks) a bottle of formula once a day, almost always at night. He sleeps great and I know he’ll take a bottle if I’m not home, which is very freeing.
I don’t know if me telling you any of this is helpful at all, but there it is. I hope things improve or you reach a decision that gives you peace. Enjoy your family!
I have been reading along with your bf story, and well…. it sounds pretty much exactly like my story. I found an herbalist that told me that I was testing deficient in calcium, and that he wasn’t getting enough of it through my milk- and so he wanted to eat non stop- she told me to drink 6 ounces of organic whole milk 5 (!!!) times a day, and a glass of organic half and half (ewe!) at night before bed.
However, it worked.
However, I was moving, and sucked at getting in the milk, and then he got frustrated, and then my milk dried up.
I don’t know if you are up to trying that- I don’t think you would have to do it for longer then a week (??), but it worked for me.
I wish someone told me this with Capri, because I had the same problem with her, and it probably could have been fixed by this.
xoxo
I was so frustrated when Max was born because every “expert” said breastfeeding was natural and easy. I felt like a bad parent because it was neither. I had such horrible guilt about it and every day I had to talk myself out of giving up. Then I started talking to other friends and ALL of them had a tough time. I talked to very few people who considered breastfeeding easy. I think the experts are doing women a disservice but not discussing the fact that it can be really really really hard. Finally, I met with an LC that was awesome. She said that at some point a mom’s sanity trumps the benefits of breastmilk. She told me my son needs a sane mom more than breastmilk and formula isn’t that terrible. I felt such a relief hearing that from someone who’s career is about breastfeeding.
Luckily for us it got easier, but just the other night, after 13 weeks I almost gave up. It got hard again now that I am back at work and pumping isn’t going well.
So, I don’t have any advice but please know you are not alone. You are also very awesome for keeping it up despite having such trouble. However, if you decide to stop, please don’t feel guilty about it. You’ve done a wonderful job and you are a fabulous mom.
I’m so sorry nursing is going so horribly! My son was what they call a “natural”, but even then, we had our challenges. Have you tried getting in touch with a doula? Doulas tend to know great little tricks, herbs, etc. That lactation consultants sometimes don’t promote, usually for liability issues. What about contacting a La Leche league? They were awesome resources for me; without the doula and LLL, I would’ve never made it past 6 months.
I haven’t been able to keep up with your story, as I’ve been pregnant with hyperemesis, but I met you at Bloggy Boot Camp (briefly). Hoping things improve for you! But if it simply doesn’t work, it’s okay to throw in the towel!!
I worked so hard on my comment and then it never appeared. I have no idea why.
Anyway the gist of it was from one doctor:
“There is no shame in bottle feeding. This is not the 1800′s where women had to feed their babies or they would starve”.
You have tried hard, give yourself a break and get some bottles and formula. If he’s not happy and mama’s not happy, no one is.
Hugs,
Grandmaof6
When I had my first daughter, I assumed I would breast feed her. And I did — for 4 days. On that 4th day, I week to a local store that specialized in nursing bras, etc., to buy one. I told the woman that my milk had not yet come in. She told me to give it 10 days. That night, my sweet newborn would not stop crying. For HOURS. My doc sent me to the ER and she had formula there for the first time. Next day, we say a lactation consultant. She was a wonderful, kind woman who had to tell me, a sobbing, hormonal wreck, that I had virtually no milk and I would not have any. It just did not happen. I sobbed and sobbed. My husband was bewildered as he did not understand the importance. He did not understand that I felt like a complete failure as a mother. That I had been built up by books and classes for months to believe that my child would be healthier and smarter if I breastfed. She (and my subsequent 2 daughters) ended up being formula babies. And you know what? She is now 8. She has had one ear infection in her life. Been on antibiotics maybe twice. Reads a few grade levels above her grade and, at the end of 2nd grade, tested in math as almost a 6th grader. And she’s fun and sweet and very close to me. In other words, she’s fine.
Excuse the diatribe, but it’s still a sore subject with me. Do it if you can (I tried with each subsequent baby — it just didn’t happen), but know that it’s as important for Eli to have a sane mommy as it is to be breastfed.
I just stumbled upon your blog. I had twins – both full term and 6 pounds each. One would breast feed and the other refused. My daughter, who refused, simply didn’t like the time wasted it seemed. She wanted a bottle literally dumped down her throat and she was fine. She didn’t want to wait. My son, on the other hand, would nurse all day if you let him. Anyway they are 13. My daughter is 5’11″ and 130 pounds. My son is 6’0″ and 150. Both are healthy. In the end, instead of stressing about it. I gave each child what they seemed to need. They are little people with their own personalities. I say offer the breast and if it doesn’t work, give the bottle.
My little guy was a good eater at first but then fought me throughout the feeding. When I saw the lactation consultant she said some babies like to eat on their stomach or being held straight up and down. Think about it when back when there were no chairs so there were no laps. What she had me do was sit in the recliner with my feet up and let buggy nurse facing me. This is still what he prefers. Sometimes we lie down with me on my side and him on his stomach with his head turned (even though books say babies can’t eat with their heads turned). Sometimes I feed him in my baby wrap with him facing me but sitting up really.
Maybe it would help you too?
Oh, you have so many comments, and I don’t know if mine will terribly helpful or anything, but I wanted to first of all let you know that I’m sooooo impressed that you’re still trying, despite all of the problems. I’m sure I would NEVER have made it that far!
Secondly, I thought I’d give you my nursing/formula story. My first one nursed like a dream. No problems, I provided plenty of milk for him, and we made it until 11 days before his first birthday (when he had ear tubes put in and I couldn’t feed him before…not exactly sure of the reason, but we’d both been cutting back for a while). Let me explain that I nursed exclusively for only about 3 or 4 months (with bottle feedings of breast milk thrown in so my hubby could feed him), then did both formula and breastmilk. I had to go back to work, and I wasn’t able to pump very often (it’s hard to schedule in pumping time when you’re an outpatient physical therapist!).
My second son was a very different story. I found nursing to be more of a chore than a pleasant thing. With a very busy 2-year-old around, it was hard to really focus on nursing. And this time when I went back to work part-time at 12 weeks, I wasn’t working at one set place. I floated to different hospitals/clinics/nursing homes and it’s REALLY hard to schedule pumping time. I made it until 6 months nursing. At that point, my hubby and I went on a long weekend trip to the Keys and I really had nothing left after trying to pump for the weekend to keep my supply up. But neither my son nor myself felt deprived.
Do I miss that phase-you bet! Do I regret how it worked for our family-no way! Yes, nursing is cheaper, and I suppose it’s “better” for the baby. But I really don’t like being made to feel inadequate or like I’m not doing the best for my child if I don’t breastfeed for an entire year.
You need to do what works best for your family, your circumstances, and YOU.
(BTW, my oldest, who was nursed the longest, was the one who had recurrent ear infections and ended up having ear tubes. My youngest has had maybe 2 ear infections in 4.5 years! And they’re both as smart as can be! And they’re snuggly, loving, and wonderful.)
I was tired this morning, too. And then I had a long, busy day. And, now I’m even more tired.
I don’t have children, yet, and have no advice about breastfeeding but I’ve spent all week watching my sister struggle with it and can see what a challenge it can be. I hope it becomes an easier thing for both of you.
I am also breastfeeding an 11 week old. I’m not having nearly the problems you describe and I still find it extremely difficult to do and honestly look forward to stopping at 6 months. So I give you tons of admiration and respect that you have hung on so long.
I don’t know if this would help, but when my baby does need to take a bottle, I use The First Years Breastflow bottles. The nipple makes him work his jaw and tongue similar to breastfeeding. You just have to make sure he has the nipple far in his mouth and pointed towards the roof of his mouth, compressing the outer nipple, otherwise he pushes it out.
I had SO much difficulty with my first baby, a boy. He had supplements starting at the hospital, which I think made it even more difficult. He was so hungry all the time and I just couldn’t make enough milk (although I didn’t try anything to make more). Being my first, I had no idea what I was doing and there were days when he would be crying because he was hungry and I would be bawling because nursing wasn’t working. I finally gave it up at the end of the first month even though I didn’t want to but it totally saved my sanity! My second baby, another boy, I successfully breastfed-only for the first 3 weeks, then he started eating so much that I was drained dry and couldn’t keep up…it seemed like he was attached to me 24/7. Again I quit and regained some sanity! Now my third, a girl, is completely different…I SWEAR there’s a difference between girls and boys, at least with my kids, because she is so not as hungry as the boys were and I am able to keep up. I breastfed her solid for the first 12 weeks. I never gave her a bottle, which I should have, because I’m having the hardest time now getting her to drink from a bottle…I’m slowly phasing out the breastfeeding because I need my life back a little and I HATE pumping! I’m sure that sounds selfish, since our breastfeeding is going well, but I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with it…it is really great bonding time with baby, but I need to leave her once in awhile and I don’t want to pump. My boys grew up wonderfully on formula (in fact, I swear my second one didn’t take off growing until I switched)
So the point of that huge rambling story is I don’t think you should feel any sort of guilt or failure whatsoever if you want to quit…I felt so hopeless with my first baby until I quit, and while I realize others stick it out and it eventually becomes better, that wasn’t for me and my baby and I were both happier with formula. It’s like my first labor…I was induced and my doctor told me she thought I’d have to have a c-section, but I was determined not to…after 30 hours of hard labor I had to have the c-section. It was an awful experience, but if I had just had the c-section to begin with I would have always wondered if I could have done. You gave it a valiant effort and did NOT fail but maybe you and baby would both be happier with formula. Either way, good luck! I hope some of that made sense…sorry that was such an awfully long story in type!
Granted I don’t have kids and all that.
) and from what I read, things are good at times and things are a struggle at others and you put a lot of work into it. A lot. It is not a crime to use formula. I think mothers should do what feels best physically, mentally and emotionally.
But I see there is a lot of pressure on mothers to nurse their babies. You have tried and tried (I read your posts but don’t comment that much. I lurk.
You are a good mother, I am sure. Using formula will not change that.
I can’t believe all this beautiful, heart warming, loving feedback. It’s very moving to read the experiences and advice of so many caring people.
Grandmotherof6 made sense to me but maybe because I am also a grandmother of lots (19).
Peggy made me cry. Sometimes there’s just too much emphasis on breastfeeding.
You are the most self sacrificing, loving, capable mother ever. And that was before you even thought of breastfeeding. Keep fighting the battle if you believe it will be easier in the end but not because you think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.
I’d love to see you enjoying this newborn stage even more than you already do.
I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Please remember that you are a good mom, and are doing your best for your lovely baby. Make sure you are getting plenty of water and as much sleep as you can (I know R-I-G-H-T, you have kids and a newborn, that doesn’t happen) Enjoy the time you can with your little one, and trust yourself, you are mom and you are right for your baby. Best of luck.
Listen, girl. You have given him a great start. An amazing start. Now, whatever you decide to do, keep going or going to bottle? It will be the best decision, for you and Eli, because you will make it after much thought and with tons of love. And you know what? A happy mama is the very best thing for Eli. So do what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Huge hugs!