Elijah has started reaching. Sometimes, when I’m trying to grab a quick picture with my iPhone, he surprises me by grabbing my phone.
Sometimes, when he and I are just staring at each other, which we do, a lot, he reaches up and touches my face.
On Saturday, it was just he and I at home. I had just finished feeding him, I was helping him to sit up in my lap. He looked directly at my James and Jake necklace, he reached over and held it in his hands.
He didn’t let go.
I wish I could tell you what that felt like to me. Like some sort of heart bursting, full circle, heavenly, torturous, loving, painful moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.
I sometimes wonder how close James and Jake really are to us. Like, did they gently lift his arm and guide him to that necklace. ”Here. Mommy will like it if you do this.”
We’ve been doing landscape work in our yard. We have two bricks with their names printed on them. I moved them and then picked Eli up. I held him like you hold a baby. His eyes sparkled from the bright sky’s reflection. I asked him if he knew James and Jake. He just stared at me. I said “what were they like?” and he laughed.
I think that means they are funny.
Two years ago tomorrow is their due date. They should be turning two, instead we’ve been living without them for over two years. In a strange way, I feel incomplete but on the other hand, I feel so complete. I feel like I am the lucky one who gets to call James and Jake hers.
I’ll always be reaching for them and I know they are reaching for us. I believe, wholly, that we will always meet in the middle, spiritually.
Which is beautiful and perfect and makes being their Mom…awesome.