I look back on this past year of my life and it feels so vivid and dreamy, you know, like one of those realistic dreams you wake up from and it sticks with you all day long. That’s how my life feels.
Friday night, I was casually browsing the interwebs, which I rarely give myself time to do anymore and I came across support sites for babies lost, it sent me barreling down that dark place, remembering what it felt like to lose James and Jake. Reading stories about deliveries and holding still babies.
Part of me wanted to hole myself up in a closet and be totally left alone. But the other part of me, the stronger part of me, maybe, encouraged me to go to bed and count my blessings, one. two. three.
four + five.
Each one uniquely mine.
I laid in bed and thought about Anna’s hilarious laugh and her ability to act like a teenager when she’s just a seven year old.
I smiled at the thought of Noah holding my hand at church and whispering to me “this is really nice time at church with my family.”
I pictured myself kissing Eli’s chubby cheeks and looking deep into his eyes, wondering what he has seen.
and I dreamed of two angel babies, watching over the family that loves them so much.
I drifted off to sleep. Happy. Healthy. Thankful.
I woke up to a lego trophy for “best Mom.” And a baby boy with a tiny tooth set to emerge any day now and an monstrous mess of papers, laundry, food, crumbs, with my name on it.
But happy. healthy. thankful.
Nothing else matters.
Elijah turned five months old yesterday.