For just one moment, I want to give myself a break. I want to truly release the pressures of everything – I want to gently put my hand on my shoulder, tell me to take a deep breath, tell me that I am pretty good at what I do every single day and I want to believe me.
But nothing is ever good enough. (it seems) There is always guilt, always four hundred things I have to complete, there is always something.
Eli is sleeping right now which has me thinking about moments. It actually has me thinking about a lot of things like “why doesn’t he sleep more?” and “how much longer can I go with this little sleep?” I’m also thinking about how this time last year, I was sitting on my couch, like I am now, growing a tiny baby, with the kids in school. They would come home and we would play and snuggle and I would tuck them in at night and feel all full of love and not guilt and now…
there is so much guilt. There is not enough of me to go around.
BUT…I have a plan. I can not sit here inside the bubble of guilt for much longer. Today, I am going to shut my computer down, turn my iPhone to Pandora and get busy cleaning and organizing and scratch some of these lingering home things off of my to-do list.
Tonight, when I finally get the kids to bed, when my face is washed (hopefully in my CLEAN bathroom sink) and my (hopefully clean) pajamas are on and when I can finally sit down at my computer, I want to feel different. I was to feel less overwhelmed. Less guilty.
Today, I am living for THAT moment. and for the ice cream I’ll be eating. and maybe nachos, too. and a Miller Lite.
Have I mentioned I’m having my first postpartum period today? (there is a 20% chance that none of this, except the ice cream, nachos and beer will happen and a 99% chance that I’ll end up stabbing someone today.)