Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I can’t believe that this body is mine. Once upon a time, my skin was smooth and tight, I never appreciated my thin figure back then, then again, back then I don’t think I really appreciated very much.
I don’t want to be super skinny, I just want to feel good about myself. Lately, I have been feeling good about myself but these past few days I have eaten just terribly, I can feel the difference just walking through my house. My gut feels heavy. I hate it when my gut feels heavy.
I could blame the holidays but if I’m honest, I have to blame myself.
I love loving the way I look. Yet, I continue to eat. I continue to not exercise. I wonder why I do this to myself. Because food tastes so good?
Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy.
I walk through my house and I shudder at the clutter. Piles of “things” surround me. School papers, print order receipts, work, cards, to-do lists half completed, piles of clothes that no longer fit. I picture clean walls and bare shelves holding baskets with a single item in them. Simple colors.
I crave simplicity.
Yet.
I continue to desire. Buy. Ask. Acquire.
Thinking with each thing that it’s going to make myself feel better about my surroundings. Mostly it does just the opposite.
I’m fighting against myself.
I never have enough time for games with my family.
Movies with my husband.
Cleaning the house.
Cleaning the house.
Cleaning the house.
Cuddles in bed, rubbing my daughter’s legs to help her fall asleep. Listening to Noah share his insights on life. Watching Eli grow up faster than we prepared ourselves for.
I would have more time if I turned it all off.
My blog.
Twitter.
Facebook.
Email.
Turn those things off and focused even more on LIVING.
Yet, I continue because it’s the way of the world, it’s my hobby, it’s what I enjoy.
I admit this and feel immature at my choices. Afraid of one day regretting these decisions.
I know better, yet.
Here I am. Fighting against myself.
I am human. I seek balance. I want it all.
I am human.
(so I turn it all off and spend my time maintaining a perfect home wearing size 8 jeans? Is this the happiness I am seeking?)
I am fine the way I am and I believe it.
And you’re fine, too.
I was a little confused there for a moment… I thought I had written that post! Those words are the feelings that constantly pull me this way and that way. Conflicting me. Forcing me to continually battle myself until I finally conceed and just be.
I’ve been following you for a while…but don’t comment as much as I’d like. This post….I feel it! Life gets so busy hectic….sometimes I wish things could be slower like I’ve heard they were like 50 some years ago. Life was more simpler….more relaxed…or so I’ve been told. Sometimes I get upset at myself b/c I don’t feel like I’m posting enough blog posts…but like you said…we have families, husbands, houses and even pets that are all fighting for our attention too. It’s so hard to find a good balance… at least for me it is. Thanks for being brutally honest.
Alicia and Carla, I am so thankful I am not alone in this!
yes. yes, this.
sometimes i think about all the extra time i would have if i didn’t use twitter like a manic or blog. but you know what? i love those things. and if that means i haven’t mopped my floors, that’s the tradeoff to do some things that i enjoy. i’m working on compromising perfection for happiness, because if i were sitting around in a perfectly clean home working my ass off i’d miss out on some of the stuff i adore.
Wow. This could so be my own words. I truly am working on some of the clutter and I am eating more healthily, but I also allow myself to enjoy whatever I crave without chastising myself later. And when I want to drop it all and cuddle a kid, I do. Everything else is secondary. That’s my new philosophy and I like it. : ) Plus, it’s working for me. When others don’t ‘get it’, I just smile and say “You may not understand but this is what I need to do right now. I’ll get back to you.” : )
You can do this and yes, you ARE just fine. : ) Make yourself and those you love happy. Everything else is secondary. : )
I’m right there with you. I. love. food. I finally reached the day where I was almost as heavy as the day I delivered my first son, and I weighed the EXACT same as my husband (who is 8 inches taller than I am). I had had enough. I started Weight Watchers and three weeks later I am 8 lbs. lighter. I’m not anywhere close to where I want to be, but I must admit that although those first few weeks where I missed eating french fries with every meal, I am happier. I am happier, not because I’m at my “perfect” self, but because I’m making an effort…I’m making progress toward becoming a better person for my four kids, my husband, and the world.
When we adopted our two new sons in May 2010, we simplified our lives. I quit working (all but one night a week), and we turn down invitations to almost all gatherings. We have chosen to concentrate on our family and our children. They are here for such a short time…
But…again, I am there with you on my home. How lovely it would be to simplify my home as I have my life. I would feel so much better with clean lines, fewer piles, less clutter…can you imagine having some empty space in your closets?! Wow. Someday, maybe?
Thank you for reminding me that although those things are all important, being happy and comfortable with yourself – just the way you are – is equally important.
wow… I never knew so many felt this way. Im in shock that each of the replies so far has the same feelings. I sure do.
When Luke was born, old man Shane still had a roll of film in his camera (yes, a roll of film–he does not have a digital). He finished the roll at the hospital, then got it developed… and the first two pictures on the roll were pictures of me in a teeny string bikini on our honeymoon. I have never cried harder than when I looked at those pictures, because all I could do was look down at my flabby still looking five months pregnant belly and realize that teeny bikini Erin took it for granted.
Still, flabby belly Erin had so much more than teeny bikini Erin could ever have dreamt, but I get it. We are all fine just how we are in the here and now, but sometimes we need reminders.
It is nice and sad at the same time to know so many of us moms feel this way. Thanks for posting this so we know we are not alone.
The whole body, weight, my own worst enemy part? It’s like you took those words right out of my head. I don’t have kids yet and I’m worried that feeling is going to get worse and it makes me nervous. But I’m going to get myself in check and try to be kinder to myself, cause you are right, we’re all fine. But it’s “nice” (if that’s the right word) to know that so many people feel the same way even though we shouldn’t.
So true, Beth. I am struggling with the same issues! I have found that if I dress my size ??, post 5 kids body well that I feel so much better about myself. That helps. And the other stuff…I just take it one day at a time while accepting help when offered and asking my husband to pitch in.
You captured the essence of probably 99% of all the lovely bloggers out there. Some days I MAKE myself wait until x, y, z is done before I let myself check, twitter, facebook, email, blogger etc. I LOOOVED this post.
We are all human.
xo
Cat
http://www.nowoodenspoons.blogspot.com
PS. I LOVE the idea of YouCapture! I just saw it and I’m totally going to join in from now on!!
I honestly don’t think of blogging as wasting my time. It’s a chronicle of your life and when you are old you will have these thoughts written down to look back on. I think that’s important.
I really don’t think any woman is completely happy with the state of their house, body, etc. I think appreciating things/life is a wisdom that comes with age and experience. We all eventually learn that lesson, hopefully.
Great post.
it’s as if we are one.
you just described my morning. surrounded by messes. piles of clothes. clean. dirty. all the same. having a very successful ww weekend only to eat my stress away in m&m’s today. looking in the bathroom mirror and what i see is not what the world considers “pretty”. ugggh! i’m drowning in a messes and cannot for the life of me manage to get ahead. i’ve even taken a break from blogging and fb. deleted it from my blackberry. and yet i actually manage to get all 3 kids down for a nap at the same time today…and where do i find myself? certainly not scrubbing the kitchen floor. i’m tucked away in my cluttered home office, looking to read a blog or two that i’ve missed so dearly. and NOW i see why. i gain validation and encouragement from the other moms. moms like me. who take the time to blog about the SAME issues i’m dealing with. am i really fine?? i sure would like to believe you’re right beth!
WOW Beth. I could have written this very same post. My own worst enemy……my FB status update just a few weeks ago. I struggle every.single.day with my weight. I would never talk to someone else the way I talk to myself in my head. Never in a million years. Thanks for your honesty. You are SO not alone!!!
That sounded eerily too much like me!
I love this! I look around my house and feel the same way you do, but you articulate it so much better than I can!
Now I need to hop off here and try again to make a dent in a few of my piles!
Were you in my head when you wrote this?? We all feel so torn between our desires to spend more time with the kids with out losing our identity. Our passions for blogging & all the other things can feel like a distraction at times- but would the kids want to be around some miserable soul because we gave up all the little things that give us joy outside of motherhood?
As for appreciating our long gone figures- yes, I totally took it for granted back then. When I couldn’t reach 100 lbs no matter what I ate- geezzz, how I long for those days again. Just like you, I try to watch what I put in my mouth – it’s harder with all these holiday treats that keep being delivered or created here. My recumbent bike sits in my room with my exercise ball on top of it- both collecting dust. Honestly- I just want to fit in a few minutes blogging before the chaos of the morning comes. I know I would be far better off if I got out of this chair- but that would take me from doing something I love to doing something I hate. Nothing like starting your day doing something you hate. I find I am a much happier person through the whole day if I start it with things I enjoy. SO — that is what I do. And I think the kids are thankful for it.
girl, you hit it on the head! we all feel that way! thanks for sharing with us everyday! I appreciate your willingness to be so open and honest!
I read this post while eating a truffle. And nodding my head. The entire way through.
How do you do it? Your post topic and the timing of them….. yes, I’ve ‘turned’ it all off last week and this week. Yet, I think and worry and stress.
Anyway, again today, I just had to reply to say “ach, me too!!!!”
Thanks….and hugs
Hey I just read this an automatically thought of a book I purchased that might help out your situation
http://www.simpleorganizedliving.com/2010/10/28/tell-your-time-e-book-only-7-00/
I loved it! It really does help
My gosh this is my current feeling exactly. I want to stop but can’t stop. It’s the worst. I don’t have time to do anything either but have time to blog and post and work. I hate that I do the same thing when I look in the mirror but when it comes time for dessert I’m the first one opening my mouth to the suggestion. I have to stop with the “after the holidays” excuse. God knows after the holidays those extra five pounds won’t be any easier than all the other one I’ve only kind of been trying to lose before the holidays.
I am a grandmother. When I was young, I was cute, thin and painfully shy. I did my best to blend in. I never appreciated myself then. I really don’t now. My three grown daughters are strong, confident, young women. For that I am both proud and thankful. So, even though, I failed myself, I didn’t fail my daughters. I love my girls and my grandchildren more than I can say. Life is crazy. Take care of yourself. If you are happy, your children will be happy, too.
Oh Beth, I just posted not too long ago about these same struggles. “Finding balance” where there is none. Wanting to do more, be more, have more… It all comes at a cost. And yet, I can’t stop myself. Then it makes me “crazy in the head” (which I have also posted about) and yet, I still can’t stop myself.
Just know that you are so not alone in this, and although I am sorry to hear that you are so wrapped up in this you can’t see straight I must admit- I am glad to hear I am not the only one. Thank you for sharing this!
I am there, with you, wishing and hoping and praying for the same things. We are doing our best, truly we are, I know it.
peace.
xoxox-
emily
Amen.
Written about this, understand this, feel this.
Love <3
Ditto. SERIOUSLY…DITTO! I can’t get over how often it seems like you are typing those words for me, about me. I feel EXACTLY the same way about all of it. Makes me feel better to know it’s not just me. Thanks for always keeping it real and making me feel like I’m not so alone in these thoughts of mine after all!
Amen, that is all that needs to be said.
I used to not blog. Read blogs, Twitter.
Instead I cleaned my house. Meal planned. Organized crafts, Put away laundry. Exercised.
But I was losing ME. I knew that I needed something to find myself again. So I found a hobby that inspired me to be myself; blogging.
So my house isn’t as clean, my butt is flatter & wider, and there is always a pile of laundry that needs to be put away. But I have a hobby that I enjoy. I look forward to the writing, reading, and research.
Balance. That’s the key word… and finding balance is the challenge for all mothers.
I heart you! (((hugs)))
I could have written that!!!! You are so very normal and thank you for typing it out, for us to read, to know WE are normal too!
Me too. All of it.
I think life is a continual struggle between what we want it to be and what we actually are making it to be. Trying to get those two things closer and closer together is the struggle. The balance between wants and needs and reality and what we can and cannot change.
I love your honesty in this post, and it really spoke to me. I mean really…it was honest.
I can relate.
I don’t “have time” to do even the most simple things such as rubbing my husbands back when he gets home from work..pitiful.
Love this post, I feel like you were spying on my life. ; )
I try to remind myself the clutter around the house isn’t important. It’s the smiles, tears, kisses, and hugs that are.
Wow! I could have written this too, except I don’t have a blog or a Twitter account, and I STILL feel like I don’t know where my time goes. I wish there were more hours in the day. I wish I could focus on my 2 year old without thinking of the mess he’s creating or the 1,000,000 other things that “need” to get done.
Thank you for your honesty.
Man.
I’m feeling that today. In all ways. So thank you for writing this.
SO much of this has been going through my head lately too and I’ve taken a few steps back from the ole internet this week, especially while the kids are out of school. I NEED to be with them (like REALLY be with them, not just in the same room), for all of us. And I HAD to clean house. It was BAD girl!! BUT. (and yes, it’s a big “BUT”) I still need MY time to connect and chill and your last line made me feel better about all that. You have this uncanny knack for being able to just tap right into my (and MANY others’) mind my dear…
WOW! Not only are your words the same words in my own head, but all the comments on this post are me as well. I feel a little less… crazy? now, because I’m not alone in this battle with myself! Thank you!!!
Oh Beth, I could have written that. I feel the exact same way sometimes. I think it’s OK to shut it all off every once in a while….and to do that for even several days at a time.
I think this is a good reminder that I should do just that.
I’ve been battling the same thing myself. The holidays kill me because I’m baking so much for the family and when I do that I pick at what I’m making. Of course I need to try the fruits of my labor too to be sure it tastes good! I read a quote once, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” but it really is hard to deny good food. So I know what your going through!
Wow..how I needed that to start this new year! And apparently you needed another follower..and here I am.