It is Friday but it’s not morning and I’m not drinking coffee.
This morning I was at my Great Aunt’s funeral. The term Great Aunt seems so far removed and I guess, in a way, she was. In life we become so busy with our own nuclear families that our more distant relatives (in the next town over) sometimes fall by the wayside. Well, not really them, but the relationships.
Christmas cards. Family reunions. Funerals.
I knew I had to attend this funeral because she was my Grandma’s sister and my Grandma, oh, we miss her so much. (and her apple cake and her jokes…)
I sat in the parking lot of the church today, Eli in the back and felt my heart race. I feared songs being sung that would send me spiraling back to James and Jake’s memorial service. When choosing their songs, I chose ones that I loved, not really thinking that in the future they would propel me into sadness whenever I hear them in the future.
They don’t tell you these things. Which is good because being propelled into sadness isn’t always a bad thing.
I’m feeling a lot of hurt in my heart today. My all time favorite teacher passed away on Wednesday. He taught me and my five brothers and sisters. He also taught my Dad when he was in high school. He was my Spanish teacher for three years straight and impacted my life greatly.
I remember he would stand at the front of the class, leaning against his desk, his arms crossed in front of his chest and he’d chuckle quietly and say “idiotas.” When he did that, I knew he was in a good mood.
I graduated with his son. His son was in my class those three years. Recently, thanks to social media, we’ve reconnected and it was him that told me about the death of his Dad, my teacher. My friend, lost a baby a few months ago. I’m so worried about his heart right now.
My Great Aunt, many years ago, lost a baby girl at birth. About ten years ago, my Great Aunt had a dream that she was in a fierce storm through great winds as she held a baby in her arms. After the storm passed, the could not find the baby. She finally did and when she did there was golden light and peace.
(that’s what it feels like when you lose someone you love, you are holding on for dear life, sometimes without even realizing it, but something bigger and stronger than you, rips that someone out of your arms.)
She awoke from that dream no longer afraid to die because she knew she would hold her daughter in her arms again.
I think about my Spanish teacher, holding his grandson in his arms, chuckling at his soft baby cheeks and saying something affectionate in Spanish, maybe “precioso.”
I’m thinking about my Grandma right now, holding James and Jake in her arms and rejoicing that finally, her sister and her niece are together, after all these years.
And that’s how I’m finding my peace today.
Sometimes being propelled into sadness helps us to remember and to recognize the love and peace surrounding us.
I have fond thoughts of my babies in heaven too. with my grandparents and I have been blessed with a vision from God of their bodies made whole and that brings heart racing peace.
Peace be with you Beth!
Jen
It really is amazing that it seems with death comes birth. We experienced a heart breaking death this past Spring followed two days later by a joyous birth. I’m glad you have found peace.
Wow, Beth. Just wow. Beautiful. Thinking of and praying for you. Hugs.
I’m sorry to hear about the losses in your life, Beth. Both today and in the past. No matter how long ago it may have been, recent or years, the pain of losing a child, especially, is never truly dulled.
I smiled through the tears while reading your post. You found the joy in the loss, and that’s so important. We all need to be able to look through the darkness, (because let’s face it, nature shows us that darkness will come) to see the light.
This post struck many chords. Thank you for posting your thoughts.
This, your words, the dream, the analogy, the PEACE is so beautiful. I want to say more, but Im on my phone, so I’ll just say that I love you.
Such a hard day with such heavy thoughts. I hope that all hearts that were involved are finding their way toward peace. Beautiful.
Oh Beth, this is a deep one. Tissue warning.
Steph
((hugs)) so glad you were able to find some peace in today. it’s not very easy when your heart is so heavy.
Your words and thoughts have moved me to tears. Thinking of you on this day. *hugs*
I am sobbing. This really hit home for me. I’ve been struggling for several weeks and had a really bad day today. This post leaves me very hopeful that I will find my own peace.
Thank you.
So much joy amidst so much grief. I often think of my grandmother holding the baby I miscarried as well. It helps. This post helps too. Thank you for sharing the rawness of your feelings.
Funny how funerals can bring us right back to another one. The last funeral I went to was so frightening because it was held at the funeral home we had my Brother’s visitation in, and of course where the Minister was doing the service was where my Brother’s coffin had been placed. I can only imagine how much more difficult funerals become with time.
Its never easy. I sobbed the last time I heard one of the songs that was played at my Father’s funeral. Its hard, and there are days when I’m still angry that such a great man was taken so soon. But we will be reunited one day. And I know that he is proud of me, even though he can no longer tell me. I am sure that your loved ones are proud of you too. For a long time I felt like I always had to be strong, but sometimes we just need to hear those songs again and cry.
you know, i always look forward to your friday morning coffee posts. even the somber ones like this one. and you know what else? i can really relate. every time i hear the song “i’ll fly away” (we sing at church every couple of months) i go directly back to my mom’s funeral (she died almost five years ago) and tears start flooding. it’s natural. these feelings that enter our souls when they bring us back to hard times. i’m sure james and jake can feel your love this.very.moment.
the only words I can find….LOVE LOVE and more LOVE!! xoxo
That was beautiful. I am sorry for your loss but happy for heaven’s gain. :O)
I’m so sorry for your loss.
tears. thinking of you. grief….it is hard…
I love this post so much. It’s so insightful and heartwarming and so true. One of Grandma’s sisters wrote a note when we lost James and Jake. She said I know Grandma Helen was waiting with open arms for them in Heaven and I’m sure she was. I truly believe that the living circle of life goes much farther than our earthly existence. They’re all there, loving us, waiting for us, and looking forward to sharing the peace and happiness in which they dwell.
Beautiful written, Beth. Brought a tear to my eye and a warm light to my heart.
Thanks…
Love you, I’m just so sorry.
I fully believe that they are all together now, each happy to be with the other, patiently waiting for others to join them. Your words bought me to tears thinking of all the births and deaths we will remember this month. My thoughts and prayers are with you, give extra hugs to your children especially Ellijah who looks like he has a old soul.
I am so sorry.
My mother died when I was 16 , when I lost a baby ( 1 of twins) at 22 weeks and another pregancy ended in Miscarriage at 10 weeks I was comforted to know that their grandmother wa there waiting for them .
Big hugs to you. It’s so hard.
When my mother in law was very, very sick, she would look up at us and ask us where her baby was. At first we were confused, then realized she was talking about a child she miscarried many years ago. Until she died, she asked about that baby, and we would make motions like we were handing her the child. It comforted her, and she would coo and smile at the ‘baby’. It comforted us too, knowing she soon would be with that baby she’d held in her heart all these years, out of pain.
Comfort to you Beth. Our family that has left this life, they are all taking care of each other in another life.
love it! You touch me with how deep you reach! Even from the start you talk about the wait in the funeral home parking lot! It’s so hard to walk inside knowing what you will feel, hear and see, but it’s a huge part of the healing process too!
Your description about our Spanish teacher was amazing. I was immediately brought back to many memories I had from his class. He will surely be missed by many and the impact he made on countless numbers of people in this community can never be measured.
Your daughter is amazing. I’m sure you know that, but she is truly a guiding light to others who may struggle with the same things she talks about with all of us daily.
Oh Beth. This post is so..I don’t have words. Hugs to you.
Thank you for this post. Maybe being repelled back into sadness can help others. Because you did that for me today.
Thanks, Nelly
That made me cry. So beautifully written. I am sorry for the sorrow you loved ones are going through as well as the feelings this digs up out of you