Just four months after Anna was born, I took a pregnancy test. I hadn’t really gained back my cycle, I was on birth control and we were trying to control my cycle with the birth control. I took the test and it was positive.
I literally panicked. I looked at my tiny baby on the floor and thought “how could we do this to her? We are just getting to know her and now this?”
We are not ready for this.
I grabbed a Diet Coke, jumped in the car and drove to the nearest drug store for another test. As I drank my Diet Coke, I cried knowing that it was the last one I’d have for a very, long time. (I thought I was crying about the Diet Coke but in reality, I was crying because I wasn’t in control of this, it wasn’t in our plan and okay, maybe it was a little bit about Diet Coke.)
Less than a year after Anna was born, I had become a stay-at-home Mom and Noah arrived. A ten pound baby boy who spent the first two weeks in NICU, while we had a one year old, who couldn’t even walk, at home.
That first year was so difficult. Who am I kidding? Those first two years were so difficult. I put my interests aside and did my best to focus all of my attention on these two children. When Brian came home from work, I would run all of my errands just to get away. For two years, I was the only one who mowed the lawn because staying home with these two babies all day long, it was a tough job and mowing the lawn was a break for me.
And now, my goodness. We have Noah. This gift, this treasure that melts my heart, who makes me think, who fills my motherly soul with so much pride that I’m not sure I can hold much more. (but I can.)
People would ask how I do it…my response? I just do.
Four years after Noah was born, I laid on the ultrasound table, Anna and Noah in the dark room with me, I watched as the ultrasound tech failed to see two beating hearts that were thriving just two weeks before. These two hearts that we already loved so much. The four of us, Anna, Noah, Brian and I would sit and dream about all of the moments, the diapers, the sleeplessness, the crazy, the crying, the joy.
And in this one horrifying moment. It was gone.
Brian walked into the room, I cried into his chest.
“I can not do this.” and I meant it. I physically and emotionally could not handle this. I wanted to die. or I just wanted the pain to stop and if that meant dying than so be it because that pain…
hurts. so. much.
We did it. We were sidelined from life. We were the focus yet we were removed. Life was quiet after that, so simple. The little joys were gigantic joys; like butterflies and sunshine falling on my shoulders, sitting at red lights were a welcomed pause from the world, not an annoyance.
Slowly, recovery. Life began again, differently, softly. We are still learning to trust, still working on faith, still so grateful for those twins that we held so briefly in our arms on the cold night in February.
I watch people, I listen to conversations, I send quiet messages to other Moms “be still, do not wish away, love it all, even those challenging moments you think you can not conquer.”
Because you will.
We did. We would not have planned Anna and Noah to be so close in age but the day Noah was born, a relationship was born, too, between two children, one that is bigger and deeper and more amazing than I could have have hoped, no, ever have planned. It seemed someone had a bigger plan for us.
I truly believed when the twins died that I would not recover, that I would be forever sad, forever changed, forever lost but instead…the joys, the love, the laughter, the life in our everyday is so much greater because of them. Because we lost.
But yet, we didn’t.
You can’t plan everything and if you do, you could missing out on so much that life has to offer. And that? That is true loss.
*hugs*
This post really spoke to me. Thank you.
Hugs, Beth.
I have been on that table-3 times…it seems like nothing will ever be good again. I am still reeling from our most recent loss last April. Your honesty and sharing helps so many, including me. I agree, “because we lost” we feel, love and be so much deeper and it is all greater because of them.
Jen
Thank you for sharing this. Your strength is truly amazing to me.
Love, hugs and proud to be your friend.
beautifully written! spoke right to my heart! Thanks!! I get it! Beth your heart is beautiful…..don’t you love the silver lining?!!
*hugs*
My daughter was not planned. In fact, she came at the worst possible time. I never wanted to bring a child into a broken marriage. She’ll be a year in March. And so much has changed. For the good. My marriage is getting better. . . Slowly, but surely. The love and joy she has brought to me is indescribable. She has helped me through some of the darkest times I’ve had, even before she was born. She helped me get through an 8 month deployment alone, in the middle of my struggling marriage, before she was even born.
I once thought she was coming at the worst possible time. Little did I know, she came into my life. . . Our lives. . . At the best time. In a time where I really needed her.
I am so sorry for your loss. . . But I am glad you can see the other side of what it brought to you. Your children are absolutely adorable – And I can tell via your post & pictures that they are very much loved!!
hugs!!
Thank you for those written words.
Thank you. We’ve been married almost 11 years, and because I was so young when we married (18), we knew that we had plenty of time to wait before we started a family. I finished college, we traveled around the world, we’ve started a business, written a book, and are working on flipping our second house. However, the time has never seemed “right” to have kids – and honestly, the thought of having them scares us. And yet, in the back of our minds, we keep asking, “if we don’t have kids, what will we miss out on”, and it’s the only thing that keeps the thought of a family alive. I’ve just started a new job that should keep me busy for a couple of years, but then, maybe, we’ll take a risk and see what we’ve been missing. Thanks for the encouragment and for sharing your stories…again. Blessings!
Thank you. I needed this today. I feel weird saying this seeing as we’ve never met, but you are one of my most favorite people in the entire world. You’re amazing.
And as someone with a positive pee stick less than 6 months after the birth of my first child I get the mowing yard thing. Totally.
this really touched me, thanks for sharing this experiance with us! you seem to be full of love that makes you stronger every day… love and peace
Jen~
This is very well said & exactly my sentiments! And I too have been on that table 3 times. Though my last loss was 10 years ago this month, it is still tough at times.
Beth~Thank you for sharing this!
God Bless!
I’m speechless.
I loved this post. Thank you for writing it.
This weekend is the one year anniversary of my “on-the-table-moment.” Still, one year later, there are times that it is hard to breathe and I am wondering if it every really goes away. I doubt it does. I am not sure that I want it to.
Now, I am almost 19 weeks pregnant. I am thankful for every kick I feel and every nauseating moment I experience. There are still moments where I worry…but I know God is in control even when I am not.
The little joys you wrote about really resonated with me. If it weren’t for the small joys, I don’t think I would have survived last year. For me, it was playing games with my daughter, learning to take pictures and surrounding myself with friends and family.
Thank you again, for writing this post
Erin
I too have been on that table, once pretty far along and 5 more times early in pregnancy.
Beautifully written post.
Such a beautiful post, Beth! Your words are so true and so inspiring. Just yesterday I was reminding myself that I will miss this stage. Thanks for the reminder again today.
HUGS to you and your family:)
Beautiful, wisdom filled words.
I am so glad to hear this, more than you know. Proof of answered prayers.
Steph
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I started following your blog right about the time you discovered you were pregnant with Eli. I read all the history about you and the loss of the twins. You did such a good job of sharing your story and making your readers feel the pain. It is so wonderful to see you and your family in such a happy place now. And so important for you to keep sharing posts like this one. You’re an inspiration to me and I’m nothing like you (as far as life stage, experience, etc.). I can only imagine what you and your blog mean to women who find themselves in similar situations. Keep up the good and very valuable work!
I. Love. Your. Words. Having my youngest two children a year and 1 day apart, I completely understand that bond. Magical! Thanks for sharing.
i love how you are able to write from your heart, even when sometimes it seems it doesn’t know if it should come out.
what a blessing they ended up being to each other and to you.
So, SO well said! Really. Just beautiful.
i love you. and your family. all of you.
Isn’t that the truth? I am so glad I can’t plan everything, how much I would be missing out on.
xoxoxoxo
Having been there on that table twice recently (December 2009 and November 2010) I know that feeling of hopelessness. And then the feeling of “I can not do this…”. I am starting to just now, two months after the last loss, come out of the fog – but that is progress because with the first loss, it took four months…Beth, I so need to read your words today and to take the advice to make sure I don’t miss out on what is beautiful in my life, and in this world…hugs…
This is so beautiful and profound. I don’t really know how to put in to words how much it moved me, just that it did. I am in awe of your grace to accept the unexpected and your power in finding beauty in grief and answers in healing.
You’re amazing.
Wow. I just found your blog and you have moved me to tears. I, too, have a little boy and I love him beyond belief, so you had me at the word… Noah.
I am now a new follower and I’m looking forward to getting know more about you and your beautiful family. 
http://www.arnoldfamily4.blogspot.com
http://www.graciejamesblog.com
I needed this today! I needed perspective:) Thank you!
This post really touched me. I know the instant panic you felt when the test was positive as I have a son and daughter that are 13 months apart. My son was 2 months old when I found out I was pregnant with his sister. I call them my twins(people often ask if they are) as they look alike and fight and love each other like every set of twins I have ever known. They are sitting here arguing as I write this.
I was fortunate that I never lost a baby and had to endure the pain you and so many women have gone through. I did go through it with my sister though it’s not the same I know. I was the first person she called in the middle of the night even before her doctor when the bleeding started. I cried along with her but did not know the right words to say. Are there right words? I wanted to take her pain away. She went on to struggle through two more pregnancies that saw two beautiful baby girls born.
Thank you for sharing.
I have 3 children that I did not plan for. But, planning only gets you so far. the rest is up to you, even when you think you can’t, you can.
Lovely post.
Such a good post, Beth. It says volumes about you and your family. There’s so much love and peace there and I’m so proud of you. During the most difficult times you’ve held onto your wisdom and faith and, while you were in so much pain, helped us all through those dark days. You’re truly a blessing, not just to your entire family, but to everyone who’s lucky enough to encounter you online or in person.
I don’t comment often, but thank you so much for writing this.
Once again, you write exactly what I need to hear. While our losses are different, I’ve spent much of the past 3 years feeling sidelined from life due to multiple losses. Thank you for reminding me that new joys are ones to be enjoyed that much more because I have lost.
You are an amazing writer and this post really opened up a piece of your soul that I think I needed to see. I yearn for motherhood and am in a place where we are planning and trying and *o just hoping* so much that it hurts and this, for some reason, helped bring me to a not so crazy place of just living and accepting and knowing that it’s out of my hands. I can plan all I want like the control freak I am … but I just have to let God have it. Someday I will have small joys and I can’t wait. But I think I need to remember, to take a step back and just know … out of my hands.
You are amazing!! Thank you for this!
Lovely post.
I hate that your wisdom had to be gained through such suffering. I pray that I can take your words into my heart and know them as truth too. Not because I am in the midst of suffering, but because I don’t want to wait for that kind of gratitude. I want to offer it now. Thanks for sharing Beth, and for giving those who have lost so much some hope.
<3
I’m sobbing. This was beautiful and just what I needed.
I as a young mother, find myself wishing away moments of suffering that I know many are praying for themselves…your post tonight really shed a light on how I’ve been living my life lately. Thank you, thank you so much for this.
Oh, how I needed this.
As a young mother, I find myself wishing away moments of suffering: days that so easily turn into the next day, endless fussing from a teething baby, late nights and early early mornings, and everything that goes with a new baby…and I realize now, that there are many…many just praying for those simple, mundane moments that I myself have taken for granted, or even worse, wished away…
Thank you, so much for this. You really opened my eyes to another way of looking at this whole ‘mothering’ thing.
Thank you. So. Much.
Thank you for sharing this, this truly was beautiful. He really does have a higher plan for us.
I’m so sorry about your losses. You are such a great mother with such a great attitude. I admire you. Thanks for sharing.
http://ladydazy.blogspot.com/
This is beautiful. My heart smiles for you.
My last two are 14 mo apart and I love that. They are best friends, love and protect one another. I am thankful.
I like that last paragraph, so full of wisdom. Sometimes through hardships we learn to really live. To appreciate the simple, to enjoy sunshine and color, we need to go through a period of darkness. Sometimes our well laid plans are really pebbles in the perfect bigger lake of a plan. I am happy for you.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m delurking myself to say Thanks for this post. I try to plan every single thing and get so frustrated when I can’t control things. Hearing this from you, after all you have been through, really touched me. I have not had the heartache you have (or, it looks like many of the other women responding to this post), but we never know what will happen down the road, and when things don’t go as we have planned, as they inevitably do, I will try my hardest to remember your words. Thanks for opening yourself up this way.
wow. i’ve been MIA forever… no time to read all my “creative” blogs in my blogroll.
i see i’ve been making a pretty huge mistake.
gah. your blog … {swoon}
i’m in love {just don’t tell my husband.}
what a beautiful story… a glimpse into your precious heart. so sorry for your loss… the urge to control our lives… do we ever get past that? i hope so. thanks for a fantastic post. and seriously… everything on here=eye candy.
*sigh*…..so amazing that I would catch up on your blog today and you would write about James and Jake….you and your precious twins have been on my mind, heavily, the last few days. As I write this I am wearing my Team James and Jake tshirt….remembering the day that you held them in your arms…my heart is so happy that you are healing….that you all have learned so much from your boys….that your love for each other and for life is sooooo strong!!!! Their “being” in this world has such a higher purpose and I honestly believe that as each day goes on their legacy will be more and more apparent!!!! you continue to inspire me and I love you!!!
thank you for writing this. it’s exactly what i needed to hear for what i am going through right now.