Hollywood Round 2
Adam: 168 contestants have survived the cuts. But will we survive two hours of Seacrest voice-overs? I’m not making any promises.
Beth: I hope so. I have a pantry full of Girl Scout cookies that need me to eat them today. But if I don’t survive, I’ve left half of a sleeve of thin mints in my will.
So nice of Ryan to remind us that the group round is brutal. Luckily for us, the producers decided it wasn’t brutal enough. They forced the Day 1 and Day 2 people to mix as they formed their groups. At this point it’s easy to forget the show is a singing competition. Because they aren’t singing. We don’t even see a judge in the first 40 minutes. I signed up for J-Lo! Instead, they focused almost exclusively on the drama that unfolded among the groups (and so will I). It felt like I was watching an entire season of Survivor in two hours. And then they sang a little.
Beth: This is really shocking because Idol never focuses on the drama.
The treat of the night was getting to follow the grim, fiery demise of Tiffany. I told you this would end in fireworks, and Tiffany didn’t disappoint. She’s not an especially good singer or dancer or dresser. She’s all attitude and glitter. And for some reason this endeared her to Jessica. Isn’t that all we need to know about Jessica?
Beth: Tiffany is one of those people that you just have to watch just to see what she’ll do next which is so frustrating because she leaves you feeling all empty and hollow. Isn’t this the way Jersey Shore makes you feel? Wait, isn’t she on Jersey Shore? (I love pretending like I’ve seen Jersey Shore.)
Ashley, the human anxiety attack, joined an all-girl group called the Hits. Fortunately for them they can all sing while riding Ashley’s roller-coaster. She quit tearfully. She returned tearfully. But the group had love and acceptance and talent. Isn’t that what Idol is all about?
Beth: here’s the thing about Ashley. I want to stab her. I hope this is okay with you. I mean, HAS SHE NEVER SEEN IDOL? Except I know she has, I’m pretty sure she’s “quitting” for screen time. And really, makeup and hairbrush. You are on TV, woman. Adam, seriously, let’s take a road trip to New Jersey wearing all black. Can’t take her
Okay, so it’s not really about love. This night was all about feuds. First, the Minors (all 15 or 16 and accompanied by their finger-wagging, head-swiveling Stage moms . . . all of whom scare the crap out of me) squared off against Adam Lambert impersonator James and the Deep V’s in a territorial battle over practice space. As feuds go, it was pretty boring, but I’m betting one of these Stage Moms throws a punch before we leave Hollywood. Stay tuned.
Beth: I never liked Adam Lambert.
Feud 2 is 4+1 vs. 440. Jordan, leader of 440, decided halfway through that he wanted to be 4+1’s plus-one. Undeterred, 440 minus one carried on. I was told there would be no math.
Feud 3 is the civil skirmish among Three’s Company, featuring our favorite exes Rob and Chelsee and their newly shmoopie-less friend, Jacqueline the wonder Barbie. Rob can’t dance. He doesn’t work well with others. He and Chelsee aren’t talking. Rob’s a musician. A musician who can’t learn the words to “Forget You.” Really?
Feud 4 pits the Guaps (seriously, the Guaps) against the Sugar Mamas. (I think I speak for everyone when I say I totally saw the Guap/Sugar Mama feud coming.) In a pivotal moment, royal bespectacled jerkface Clint ejected Jacee and all his lovable fluffiness out of the group. In the middle of the night. It was officially the saddest moment of the show. We actually had to watch a sobbing Jacee wipe his nose as his parents watched on. And America hugged him. Then he became a Sugar Mama and another feud was born.
Beth: Yep, Clint is a total jerkface and I loathe his glasses. Anybody who wears those glasses should not be allowed to make decisions about anything, let alone something as important as kicking out Jacee. I mean, he decided to wear those glasses. Case. Point. Also, Jacee’s parents are so wise and patient. If Jacee were my son? I’d go kick Clint’s ass. Twice.
So we’ve got sleep deprivation, overcrowding, and a junior-high cliquefest. I’m beginning to think the producers actually want there to be drama. I just want there to be J-Lo, and finally she, Randy, and Steven welcome the contestants to actually sing. Hmm. Judges and singing. Who thought we’d see that on Idol?
Beth: I find it to be completely unfair that you get eye candy like J-Lo and I get well, NOT J-LO. But, I love Steven’s heart and I love the way Randy talks and laughs so, there’s that.
We got to see a few groups who can actually sing and get along. Yawn. Beth, any thoughts on the people with talent?
Beth: Not necessarily, I agree with everyone they’ve put through so far. The first group with the three girls from New York were great. Know what else makes them great? NO DRAMA. Which was why we haven’t seen them on our screens until now. Idol loves drama, but we’ve covered this, yes?
The 4+1 vs. 440 feud turned out to be painless. Everyone advanced. Then Rebel Star, the duo nobody wants, takes the stage and absolutely butchered, “Irreplaceable.” Somehow, somewhere, Tiffany found more glitter. She and Jessica were told to put all their animal print disaster wear in a box to the left.
Beth: it is my hope that we did not have to endure all of these moments of watching Tiffany for nothing. I believe she served a higher purpose and that purpose will be that all glitter making factories will cease operation, tanning booths will go away and all light colored tubes off lipstick will be buried under the sea. Amen.
Some girls that sucked noodles through their noses put Steven Tyler in a chair and danced for him. And I believe I’ve actually understated the grossness of this segment. Beth, has there been a more disturbing Idol moment?
Beth: Okay, so when you say grossness, you weren’t necessarily talking about the noodle moment, right? vomitgag. Remember that show where contestants had to eat like snails and worms? That’s what this felt like. My poor stomach. Poor America.
A parade of tears and abysmal vocals introduce this year’s probable see-ya song, “It’s Over (Goodbye)” by Jared Lee. Then the Hits (with a barely composed Ashley) knock “Hit ‘em Up Style (Oops)” out of the park. They all advance, and love and togetherness (and emotional nitroglycerin) win!
Beth: Ashley was like the crazy-eyed animal of the group. I mean, WOW. Crazy. Eyes. And honestly, I think I saw her at Walmart last night.
But, damn, they sounded so good.
Finally Feud 1 takes the stage. The Deep V’s vocally disintegrated, but James screeches somewhat pleasantly through. And Caleb, who won’t last. Then they interview the Stage Moms who smack talk something fierce. I can’t believe this. Can you believe this? Fortunately their teeny-bopper offspring back it up. It’s not right. But as TV, it’s kinda delicious. I have a feeling we’ll be dealing with these moms all year long. Serious issues.
Beth: oh, the stage moms. The best is going to be when the Stage Moms starting beating each other up. It will happen. Oh yes, it will happen. I do love how The Minors were not cocky at all. Cockiness must occur at about age 17. Noted.
I can’t believe this show is still going. Longest. Two. Hours. Ever. Two things I’ve never seen before happened: Some guy named Steven used a cheat sheet and got booted. Corey advanced and wanted to argue. About advancing. Simon would have shot him right there.
Beth: Yikes. A cheat sheet and Corey asking why he’s advancing? I think their brains are broken.
Among the good and forgettable non-feuding groups, I do want to point out that Jacob Lusk seems like a potential finalist. Keep an eye on him (just look away when he makes the grotesque facial expressions).
Beth: Oh my dear God, did Jacob just have a stroke?
The fight between the Guaps and Sugar Mama & the Babies got snippy. In a gesture of epic editing, Jacee told his rejection story while Clint applied lip gloss like an eccentric evil scientist. Jacee struggled but got through. All the Sugar Mamas did! And Jacee cried. And my allergies got bad. Seriously, Idol, why do you treat us this way? Aren’t there enough tears in the world? The Guaps got grilled, but it didn’t matter because they’re all ridiculously good. Clint’s a little snot, but his voice is the business.
Beth: oh, Adam. You should really see an allergist about those allergies. And when you do, give me his name because mine seem to be acting up, too. (seriously, Idol, don’t you know what Coldplay does to me? I mean, my allergies?) Oh, Jacee. YOU ARE THE MAN.
Wait a minute. Are Clint’s glasses fake? Are they lacking focals? The Guaps were the shizz, I’m not going to lie to you. And Scotty apparently has allergies, as well.But mostly, what the hell is a guap?
The last group was Three’s Company. Chelsee sang off rhythm but on pitch. I couldn’t hear Jacqueline over her crazy henna tights, but I don’t think she was good. Rob forgot 110% of the words. Ugh, that was painful. Rob went home pouting, and the women moved on.
Beth: Here’s the thing, Rob is a baby with a really, really good voice. I hate that he blew it because he is so good. I was looking forward to seeing him in the final 24. Stupid Rob. Stupid henna tights.
There are still 100 singers remaining. How is this possible? Thursday night, they’ll cut it in half. I’m so ready.
Beth: I think this is how Thursday night’s post will go:
Sing, mess up, cry, forget the words, cry. Cry. Argue. Cry. And that’s just what Adam and I will be doing.
I can not wait.