I don’t often go there, to that place where my memories exist. This time of year it’s hard not to do just that. Three years ago I was blissfully pregnant with twin boys, so blessed, so grateful.
Four days later, I’d deliver them, stillborn and hold them in my arms and let go of them after spending a quiet night with them by my side.
So many dreams died during that time, yet so many dreams were born since then, too.
We all know this story of us, of them. I’ve told it so many times on this blog. There’s a new word on my mind, the words is presently.
I’m trying to figure out where I’m at presently. I feel great peace. I feel great love and passion. I still feel and see the signs that they send to us. Presently, I’m still paying attention and accepting them as they come to us. This past Sunday the mass intention was for our James and Jake. Coincidentally, just moments after saying their names, they played a song that Brian and I chose for their service.
Presently, I still miss them, the idea of them, I still wonder why, I still mourn that they never had the chance to live this great life, to feel the sun on their shoulders, to hear their siblings’ laughter, to taste the sweetness of a watermelon, the warmth of hot chocolate, to feel their Mama’s touch. But sometimes, I just think they’re part of the sun and their siblings’ laughter and every other beautiful thing that this life has to offer. So, maybe (hopefully) they’re not missing it at all.
This year, on February 26th, I won’t be by Brian’s side, I’ll be with Eli except I’ll be at photography workshop and he’ll be with my sister and my Mom. And rather than be surrounded by my family, oddly enough, I’ll be surrounded by sweet smelling, innocent little newborns. But this, this doesn’t add to my sadness. This fills me with great hope. What a tide I’ve turned that in three years, I’ve gone from great despair and loss to be able to witness the sweetness of life.
And to not only be able to witness it,
but I’ll be able to capture it.
Presently, I’m good. And even though that could change in a minute, in a day or in two weeks, I am so very grateful for the now and the goodness that resides in it.