I don’t often go there, to that place where my memories exist. This time of year it’s hard not to do just that. Three years ago I was blissfully pregnant with twin boys, so blessed, so grateful.
Four days later, I’d deliver them, stillborn and hold them in my arms and let go of them after spending a quiet night with them by my side.
So many dreams died during that time, yet so many dreams were born since then, too.
We all know this story of us, of them. I’ve told it so many times on this blog. There’s a new word on my mind, the words is presently.
I’m trying to figure out where I’m at presently. I feel great peace. I feel great love and passion. I still feel and see the signs that they send to us. Presently, I’m still paying attention and accepting them as they come to us. This past Sunday the mass intention was for our James and Jake. Coincidentally, just moments after saying their names, they played a song that Brian and I chose for their service.
Presently, I still miss them, the idea of them, I still wonder why, I still mourn that they never had the chance to live this great life, to feel the sun on their shoulders, to hear their siblings’ laughter, to taste the sweetness of a watermelon, the warmth of hot chocolate, to feel their Mama’s touch. But sometimes, I just think they’re part of the sun and their siblings’ laughter and every other beautiful thing that this life has to offer. So, maybe (hopefully) they’re not missing it at all.
This year, on February 26th, I won’t be by Brian’s side, I’ll be with Eli except I’ll be at photography workshop and he’ll be with my sister and my Mom. And rather than be surrounded by my family, oddly enough, I’ll be surrounded by sweet smelling, innocent little newborns. But this, this doesn’t add to my sadness. This fills me with great hope. What a tide I’ve turned that in three years, I’ve gone from great despair and loss to be able to witness the sweetness of life.
And to not only be able to witness it,
but I’ll be able to capture it.
Presently, I’m good. And even though that could change in a minute, in a day or in two weeks, I am so very grateful for the now and the goodness that resides in it.
There are no words Beth………I’ll be praying for peace for you and your family.
I love your perspective, your words, your candid sharing. Be well this week.
Sending love to you and yours.
Presently, you are living life and are a great example that even when we can’t imagine it, life can go on… you are living it and enjoying it. I’m so proud of you doing this workshop… it’s an honor to James and Jake that you will live double-fold (is that a word) you will live twice as much for them.
Steph
Beth, I’m so happy that you’ve found/discovered/unraveled this passion of newborn photography. It brings you peace and joy, and am happy for that. Thinking of you…
Beth, such a beautiful, heart-felt post. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad that you are able to move forward in your life with peace in your heart. I know the questions will always remain, but I know that God has a plan for our lives and it isn’t always what we would choose for ourselves.
I had a miscarriage in 2000 and I’ve never gotten pregnant again. My husband and I are pursuing adoption, but that is also taking longer than anticipated. It’s been 11 years since I began pursuing motherhood and yet it still evades me.
I try to enjoy the moments I have with my niece and nephew. I experience so many moments of love, joy, grace, and laughter just being in their presence. I pray that the Lord will allow me to experience motherhood, but it may not be part of His plan for my life. I will never be happy about it, but I will have to choose to accept it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
“Sometimes I feel like they are part of every other beautiful thing.”
Yes.
That’s it exactly.
Thank you for sharing.
Normally I am a big talker, but right now I am at a loss of words.
So…
*hug*
You’re very strong. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
You are so beautiful.
Thank you for sharing the beauty of James and Jake with us.
It has been humbling and amazing watching you grow and strengthen these past few years. You bring so much hope and comfort to others.
I wish for love and calm to envelop you on the 26th.
Right now you are in a beautiful place, and I believe James and Jake are always a part of that beauty that you are in. I think you have grown and changed so much since that day, 3 years ago I couldn’t have imagined you being where you are now, but you are here and I know that your boys have got to be so proud to have such a strong Momma! I bet they are bragging about you all of the time! I’m proud of you, too! Good luck at your workshop, I know you’ll have a great time!
Your strength and attitude and growth are inspiring. You inspire me always. I just wanted you to know that.
xoxo
This is beautiful Beth. Will be thinking about you and your sweet family on the 26th.
Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim Good News to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called Oaks of Righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
To see this taking place in your life makes me so thankful and joyful. I hope you enjoy the workshop and feel abundantly loved and encouraged during your time there.
Presently…I think you are awesome. : )
how appropriate that you will be there with tiny babes and new life as you mark 3 years of holding your boys. i love that you have allowed yourself to truly mourn, yet to truly honor them with your love and life, too.
love you.
I love the part where you say that you think of James and Jake as being a part of the sun. And the Sun is always with us, even when it is hiding behind the clouds and the ice and snow. And, the sun also gives life. And they are now and always will be a part of your life force.
{HUGS} to you today!!
I can feel your hope, and dare I say joy, in this post. Life isn’t always what we expect, and yet it is our life. So glad you have so much to be happy about in this present. xo
Beth, you move through delicate emotions with care and honesty in perfect proportion. It’s impossible to know why God hitches us to such grief in this life, leaving us to ponder it all in our hearts as Mary did with Jesus. But it is reassuring to know that we don’t have to have the answers–we just have to keep listening and keep loving.
Thanks for sharing your memories.
Jane
This is beautiful, Beth!
Thank you for sharing and giving me more to think about today!
God bless you!
This is beautiful.
praying. praying hard!
Sarah-Anne
3 years ago I was pregnant with my twin boys too…Mine were born and died in March. I feel like I should be somewhere else in my grief too. I hate the memory of who I was before….
Thinking of you….
beautiful… a great reminder to enjoy the present and for hope…
thinking of you and your beautiful family.
You are amazing. That is all.
(enjoy your workshop- safe travels)
Only the gifted are blessed with such trials. May your experience carry you on to beautiful exciting things with their sweetness in your heart always.
God Bless.
S.
Sending love to you hardcore.
Presently, I think you are an amazing example to us all. Those two little boys are watching over you and your family and are so proud of their awesome mommy. Keeping you close to my heart this week.
I thought You Capture was changed to Tuesday? Am I confused? I love that you are living Presently.
Disregard my last comment. I see it is on Wednesday. (Running to hide from embarrassment.)
You’re a strong woman to endure such a loss. Thanks for sharing your story and journey. That’s wonderful that you have them remembered in the Mass, very powerful.
Because I have been teaching Poe for the last two weeks, the title of your post immediately made me think of this line from “The Raven”: “presently my soul grew stronger.” Yes. Your soul has grown stronger. Your soul IS growing stronger.
Beth,
I don’t know you and have just recently started reading your blog and participating in You Capture, but this blog touched my heart today. Your message is so true and inspiring! Most of us have not been through anything close to what you described and yet have a hard time living in the present. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time and I pray God will help you to continue living in the present and continue to bless you and your family.
Presently, your posts are really speaking to me. Thank you for this.
Wow. Not even sure what to say. I hope and pray that you can continue to feel peace in the next couple of weeks.
What a stunning testimony!
I’m a relatively new reader so although you say you’ve shared this part of your life many times, this is my first glimpse.
My prayers are with you & your family tonight, and that God will continue to use your story for healing and hope in the lives of others!
I wish knew what to write. I don’t write comments often. I know I need to write one now, but it’s still not coming…
I guess I just want you to know how glad I am you wrote this. It is SO beautiful. So perfect. It was exactly what needed to be written about your boys. Exactly what this mom needed to read tonight.
You are in my prayers. Thank you for putting yourself, your family, your pain, your love, your precious boys “out there”.
I think about James and Jake often…but especially this time of year.
I think you are at an amazing place presently. I love that you’ll be doing something that YOU love on the 26th, photographing newborns. It just seems like such a full-circle thing to me. Oh, and I also love that you have Eli with you for the first time on a Feb. 26th…not that he replaces them whatsoever, but just makes it more special. Although how you commemorate that date has already changed in the past couple of years, time will never change the way you feel about your precious babies.
Love you and praying for you!
I’m so very grateful for that for you too, Beth.
I absolutely love this… “But sometimes, I just think they’re part of the sun and their siblings’ laughter and every other beautiful thing that this life has to offer.” and I think you are right.
I pray you continue to feel this peace…
Beth- It’s hard to imagine during times like those that life will not continue to stand still on that day each year. But as the Lord plans our moments, I think he purposely “schedules” things on those days to help us heal in a way. To help us see his reasoning & purpose in those incredibly hard times. It doesn’t make it any easier but I know that even when we can’t figure out the why in it all- he knows.
My heart is with you Beth!
Such a raw, strong, sweet love, it brought tears to my eyes just reading this. I’m glad that you are able to be in a place with more peace than there is pain. Your words describe your emotions so beautifully. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your boys (painful as they may be sometimes) with all of us. Many prayers.
If only you could feel what is in my heart right now after reading this post….gratitude, love, remembrance, hope, sweetness, admiration….I say all of this with tears in my eyes…you HAVE come along way dear Beth…thank you for sharing your “present”,,,,it sure is beautiful!!! All my love…….
I cannot imagine, but I am glad that you’ll be able to capture that “sweetness of life.” Blessings to you…
love this.
catching up on my reading this week and it was a week of mama’s remembering their lost ones…and I love that it gives me hope that I can hold Sammy close in my mind and remember…those 8 still hours…
love. so much love. those sweet angel boys are loved so much. right. now. always. i love the fact that the song came on during mass. that was intended and so so cool. we are wrapping you guys in love and hugs today and hope you can feel it… hugs, your Soul Family
Hi Beth–I had a stillborn baby boy 11 years ago, and your post captured, for the first time, what i have felt. That my Loic is and always has been with me here…in the sun, in my living sons’ sweet voices and laughter. Thanks so much for sharing.