The thing about Friday Morning Coffee (for those that are new here), it’s really a post of me unloading my current thoughts. It usually doesn’t make much sense and most of the time, my topics are not connected. Today is no exception. My mind and my heart are in about 400 different places. So, please, bear with me.
First. I’m 16 weeks pregnant. This is incredibly hard for me to believe.
We have been so busy with life and with Eli and vacation and sickness that this pregnancy is literally slipping out of my fingers. I’ll pick up the ottoman in my living room, which is BIG, I’ll set it down and touch my belly and think “huh. I probably should have been more careful. I forgot I was pregnant.” This is truth. We will find out the gender in four weeks. Hopefully things will become more real then. (Brian and I totally think it’s a boy, by the way.)
This week’s cold knocked me down hardcore. I even went two days without putting makeup on. (which is very rare for me because me without makeup should be illegal.) I couldn’t help but notice Eli’s lack of sleep and then saw him pulling his ears. A quick trip to the doctor yesterday and sure enough, little boy has an ear infection.
We are both on the mend. For this I am grateful.
The thing that is really on my mind (and in my heart) is the walk tomorrow. Team James and Jake will be walking to honor our baby boys. To be completely honest, my absolute most favorite thing about this walk is that our family and friends get together (even strangers who turn into friends!) and it’s like we are all there for James and Jake. It’s something that screams to me “THEY ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.” It’s really beautiful. It’s not about the walk or the money or the hot dogs or the music. It’s about the celebration of their small lives and their massive impact.
This year’s team is so small. I am SO GRATEFUL to the people walking with us tomorrow. But I’m not going to lie, this year, there are so many people who won’t be there who have always been there. And it’s hard. It’s really hard. It’s hard not to take it to heart, tears have fallen, but also I’ve given myself many pep talks about what has been given in the past and to not take this personally. Lives are so busy. People can’t do everything.
I tell myself this and I believe it…but still. I begin to question myself. Is it something I did? Have I become less of a person? Is my heart not as grateful as it used to be? I hope not but it’s possible. So, I’m watching myself, I’m trying to be careful. I want to live with grace and gratitude, I don’t want to be bitter and wear ugliness on my sleeve and I try to be aware of this at all times but maybe I’ve let it slip past me.
On the way to school today, the kids talked about how tomorrow is going to be THE BEST DAY EVER. The sun should shine, the weather warm, the flowers blooming. They remembered every person who has ever walked. They asked about each person by name, who was walking. When I said Yes! They cheered, they honestly cheered with their arms up in the air. When I said “no,” they said aw and they said “I bet next year!”
It’s amazing how that conversation with my seven and eight year old made me feel better. About all of it.
After all, tomorrow is still about James and Jake. And nothing can take that away.
Wishing you all an amazing weekend.
Happy Friday, friends!