The thing about Friday Morning Coffee (for those that are new here), it’s really a post of me unloading my current thoughts. It usually doesn’t make much sense and most of the time, my topics are not connected. Today is no exception. My mind and my heart are in about 400 different places. So, please, bear with me.
First. I’m 16 weeks pregnant. This is incredibly hard for me to believe.
We have been so busy with life and with Eli and vacation and sickness that this pregnancy is literally slipping out of my fingers. I’ll pick up the ottoman in my living room, which is BIG, I’ll set it down and touch my belly and think “huh. I probably should have been more careful. I forgot I was pregnant.” This is truth. We will find out the gender in four weeks. Hopefully things will become more real then. (Brian and I totally think it’s a boy, by the way.)
This week’s cold knocked me down hardcore. I even went two days without putting makeup on. (which is very rare for me because me without makeup should be illegal.) I couldn’t help but notice Eli’s lack of sleep and then saw him pulling his ears. A quick trip to the doctor yesterday and sure enough, little boy has an ear infection.
We are both on the mend. For this I am grateful.
The thing that is really on my mind (and in my heart) is the walk tomorrow. Team James and Jake will be walking to honor our baby boys. To be completely honest, my absolute most favorite thing about this walk is that our family and friends get together (even strangers who turn into friends!) and it’s like we are all there for James and Jake. It’s something that screams to me “THEY ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.” It’s really beautiful. It’s not about the walk or the money or the hot dogs or the music. It’s about the celebration of their small lives and their massive impact.
*sigh*
This year’s team is so small. I am SO GRATEFUL to the people walking with us tomorrow. But I’m not going to lie, this year, there are so many people who won’t be there who have always been there. And it’s hard. It’s really hard. It’s hard not to take it to heart, tears have fallen, but also I’ve given myself many pep talks about what has been given in the past and to not take this personally. Lives are so busy. People can’t do everything.
I tell myself this and I believe it…but still. I begin to question myself. Is it something I did? Have I become less of a person? Is my heart not as grateful as it used to be? I hope not but it’s possible. So, I’m watching myself, I’m trying to be careful. I want to live with grace and gratitude, I don’t want to be bitter and wear ugliness on my sleeve and I try to be aware of this at all times but maybe I’ve let it slip past me.
On the way to school today, the kids talked about how tomorrow is going to be THE BEST DAY EVER. The sun should shine, the weather warm, the flowers blooming. They remembered every person who has ever walked. They asked about each person by name, who was walking. When I said Yes! They cheered, they honestly cheered with their arms up in the air. When I said “no,” they said aw and they said “I bet next year!”
It’s amazing how that conversation with my seven and eight year old made me feel better. About all of it.
After all, tomorrow is still about James and Jake. And nothing can take that away.
Wishing you all an amazing weekend.
Happy Friday, friends!
Congrats on your pregnancy! I am also 16 weeks pregnant with #2, it will be fun to read your journey, as I can probably relate
I can’t even begin to tell you how sad I am that I can’t be there this year. I have 2 kids with games at the same time and the walk during the same time frame. I am going to be missing one of their games and the walk and missing both of them is just killing me. James and Jake and YOU and your family will be on my mind during this time tomorrow and I’ll be wishing I was there, believe me. Next time I see you I’ll give you extra hugs and an extra LONG kiss on the cheek. I promise.
I can absolutely guarantee it is nothing that you have done that our team is small this year. You are one of the most genuine people I know. Like you said, life gets busy. It’s as simple as that. I’m excited for tomorrow. I went over $1500. in fundraising this week. I hope your mom is there. I love walking with her and catching up. See you in the morning. Love you!
It really isn’t you. I have never walked, there really are so many conflicts in time, (how do we do it all?) but your spirit and excitement are nudging me in that direction. So if anything, each year you make it seem like an even better idea than the last! What IS you, is the fact that your boys are as much a part of everyone’s lives as if we just saw their pictures yesterday. Incredibly Beautiful.
Your bump is so cute!!
I completely understand that with time it becomes more difficult when people do not attend these kinds of things.
Every year we have a memorial party for my brother, and each year less and less people show up. It’s difficult, but people have lives and we just have to try and not take it personally, as my mom always says, we’ll always be there. The hardest part is when family members stop coming… it just feels weird because I couldn’t imagine not ever being there.
I hope tomorrow’s walk will be very humbling for you and that you feel the love from everywhere!
Wishing YOU an amazing weekend and walk tomorrow.
Your pregnancy IS flying by already – wow! Pat your sweet bump for me, k?
OMG, the paragraph about living with grace and gratitude was so beautiful.
And just from reading here, I think you do live with grace and gratitude, but sometimes we all have to pout.
I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow.
i am there in spirit. you and your family are always in my thoughts.
the baby bump is too.cute!
praying for tomorrow!
These are great comments. I am obviously one of the missing to which you are referring and I pray that you know my heart and intentions and how fragile the memory of James & Jake is for all of us. It’s definitely something everyone that knew them and you at that time will always carry delicately and with purpose.
I think for the first time our “core group” of friends all has major dealios going on in our lives at the exact same moment. Busy, yes, but no less important. We are all in the midst of great things and have become like ships passing in the night. We have an amazing sea to share with each other.
I am so glad for those who are able to walk with your family tomorrow in honor of James & Jake. I will be thinking of the team all day.
Love,
Steph
Wish I lived closer or that gas prices weren’t so high…because I would totally come tomorrow. A friend of mine posted a quote yesterday which really put some things into perspective for me: “From every challenge, we can become bitter or we can become better.
Bowing your head down brings you towards the latter.” Don’t know if you can apply this to your circumstance…but it sure helped me when dealing with one sick kid after another yesterday and made me stop when I started feeling sorry for myself. Make the most of tomorrow…it’s sure to be a beautiful day regardless of the weather or the amount of people who can attend. Know that we all are holding James & Jake in our hearts and flooding heaven with prayers. ; )
I can relate to your feelings. My daughter passed away about an hour after she was born and on her first birthday I recieved lots of calls, cards, flowers, etc. Each year (she would’ve turned 5 this past Feb.) it’s gotten smaller and smaller. I began to get my feelings hurt and wonder why the world had forgotten about her. I felt like I didn’t do my job as her mother to carry on her legacy.
This year I decided I would throw her a birthday party (she’s 5 afterall!!!) and I just invited my immediate family (now 6 of us), my mom, my sister, and my m.i.l. It was small, but I was able to celebrate with a genuine heart and I am grateful for that.
I’ll be praying for you tonight and tomorrow.
Much love from one mother to another.
I’m sorry that your heart seems so heavy today. Along with everyone else, I wish I could walk with you tomorrow, and I hope that this pregnancy is amazing and full of so much joy and hopeful expectation. And all I can think to say is how incredible it is that you have created another opportunity for us to show our care and support through June Afternoons. You are doing enough. No one could say that you’ve let anything slip – not your sensitivity, your care, your thoughtfulness, or your intentionality. Rest up, Mama. Soak in tomorrow and everything that it means and know that we are all cheering for you and for Team James & Jake.
a very beautiful belly! I haven´t been visiting here in a while, so I didn´t know. Congratulations!
How exciting!
I hope tomorrow will be a time for tears AND laughter. And it seems you have such a good family surrounding you. It is hard not to question yourself when friends do not do what you think they will do for sure. But leave it at that. And be thankful for the people that really came!
It’s been a tough year hasn’t it. It seems like there’s so much going on all the time. But most assuredly, there’s nothing you could have done better or more to change things around. This is a cause that remains important to all of us and it always will be. It might seem like it’s lost it’s priority but I don’t think it has. Remember, life is a roller coaster and next year we’ll be at the top of the track instead of near the bottom. I’m happy that I can be there tomorrow and I feel bad for so many who would like to be there but can’t.
I love the bump so cute
I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow. I have an angel baby that I think about often and wonder if people remember.
We are walking tomorrow as well in honor of our John Aaron that we lost too soon. It’s my first walk since I just couldn’t muster up the courage to do it last year. I’m trying to be brave. No one wants a blubbering mama to walk with, right?! I’ll be thinking of you, James, Jake and the rest of the family tomorrow. ((HUGS))
Hello beautiful friend! I’ve been so out of the loop for a while and have missed hearing all about your sweet family! I’m heading over to donate for J & J now. I so wish I could walk with you guys. My prayers are with you today!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This must be the year for babies
We’re preggos with our third due at the end of summer and we know at least 10 babies coming before then! YAY!!!!! 
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! This must be the year for BABIES!!
I’m currently preggos with our third and due at the end of summer. We know at least 10 babies due before then. YAY!!! 
I haven’t been on in a while, but I wanted to share a book I’m reading called One Thousand Gifts with you and encourage you to take a peek. It’s all about gratitude and how a life of thankfulness is a full life. It’s meant a lot to me and is gradually changing my perspective. I hope your walk was beautiful. Every life is precious and your sons have had an impact even on me, a total stranger. I’ll pray for you. And I think of you when I am not folding my laundry.
Wow congratulations.
Im 19 weeks also with number 2! Its a boy number 2 for me! I wish you the best of luck!
So incredibly happy for you Beth! So exciting!