Yesterday, I cleaned out Eli’s room. I went through his drawers and his closet and bags of clothes and figured out what he can wear in the future and pulled out what’s just too small and separated the winter clothes from the summer clothes. I folded up the clothing that was too small and placed them in the container. Holding those clothes in my hands for the last time, knowing that now we have a girl to plan for and that she is our last child felt … good.
I had always heard that when you’re done having children, you just know. And it’s funny how I just know about this now.
So now we have a lot to do in our home to get ready. As I mentioned, we are working to simplify our home by getting rid of a lot of our belongings and also working to properly store everything so it’s easy to maintain.
We have our plans for what we’re going to do with the bedrooms once the baby comes, so now it’s planning who gets what and what goes where and what do we have to buy and please don’t buy a lot.
This weekend I ordered clothes for the baby, this was a huge leap of faith for me but I did it and Anna helped me pick them out and that added to our excitement.
We’re planning and excited but we’re not wishing away any time.
From Eli’s room I packed up nursing pads, changing pads and burping pads. I found lanolin and tiny baby toys and bassinet sheets and folded them neatly and placed them into a container marked with her name knowing the next time I opened that container would probably be to unpack it into a little girl’s room.
So, I find these beautiful ideas that inspire me for her room and I fold the burp clothes that are bound to wipe her little chin and I smell the little sheets that go on the bassinet even though she’ll probably never leave our arms and yet, I ask, and beg for her…
to just move.
move for mama. just a nudge. I need to know you’re okay.
And this goes on all day and all night, everyday, no matter how busy I am. In the back of my mind I need that reassurance. That kick, that bounce, that hiccup.
Because I have felt the silence before and that silence is the most distracting, most deafening noise I have ever heard and felt.
That’s where I’m at. Trying to be faithful. Waiting so very patiently to hold her in our arms, to smell her head and to photograph her feet. We plan and talk as if her arrival is as sure as a plane landing in a few hours with her on board but nothing is that definite.
So, while I’m begging her to dance for me, I look at pretty things and show them to you.
I hope that’s okay with you.
I love this post and I totally, completely relate. I finally bought a cheap Doppler from eBay and while I don’t use it every day, it’s really helping ease my mind when I can just find that heartbeat and soak it in for a minute. I read on Twitter about all the be-bopping babes and while Bebe is moving, he/she must be pretty chill because it’s not nearly as often as I’d like (but then I want reassurance pretty much constantly). So the Doppler helps.
Also, I thought that first photo was Anna’s room and I almost fell off my chair. ADORABLE.
Also, xoxoxo. October will be here before we know it.
There is nothing like that reassuring kick. Praying for you, your baby girl and the rest of your family.
I can totally relate. I felt the same way with my first born. Notice I say first *born*. Isabella was my 2nd pregnancy. We lost the first baby early, but still we lost it (still pains me that I never knew the gender). So with Isabella, i worried every step of the way. Everything turned out fine and she’s an amazingly smart and sweet 20 month old. Now we’re trying for the next one and I know I’ll have all the same feelings.
Good luck and prayers to all of you! I love following your journey.
You brought tears to my eyes. I want everything to happen just the way you plan, but hope that everything turns out better than even your wildest dreams.
Yes! Praying for you
That first room is GORGEOUS! I want to make my room look like that now.
Praying for you, and for the little one.
I’m 100% obsessed with that scallop painted border. She is so loved already and so beautiful.
I was like you once too … just begging her to move. I can understand how scary it is just waiting for that – seems only those that have lost relate to the uneasiness of it. Very excited for you … also, LOVE the new layout. SO PRETTY!!!
beautiful post – I love your inspiration photo’s – after two boys, it makes me itch to decorate a baby girl nursery again
It is absolutely okay with me. And I hope she dances all the time to keep you reassured.
Beautiful post Beth! I know what you mean about just knowing when you are done & not knowing. After my 3rd- I was certain we would have more. She is nearly 8 now- I stopped holding my breath 3 years ago. We have since started talking about it again- but more along the lines of a post you did a while back about the door being left cracked open just a bit- not quite shut- but certainly not wide open either. It was so easy to be in baby mode back when we were still there- but now that all of the kids are doing so much for themselves now- and how much our lives have changed since leaving that stage- I am so unsure about going back there- even though I feel the tug to try for another boy – so we have more than 1 to carry on the name. So many uncertainties-
Oh goodness me those rooms make my uterus ache.
Sending some crazy-dancing-baby-vibes to your little one, and hoping you feel those awesome feelings soon!
May she dance and dance!
It’s totally ok.
I don’t know if this will be helpful, but it might be, so I’ll just go for it-
Have you thought about buying/renting a fetal monitor? You could check the baby’s heart beat whenever you wanted to.
Again, I don’t know that that will help heart matters, but as a first time soon-to-be-mama, that’s all I’ve got:(.
It’s all just so pretty and lovely. I want all those rooms in my house!
I love cleaning out. It makes me feel lighter, even if I’m physically not.
{{{hugs}}} share away beth….sharing pretty things with us is more than ok
xoxo
During pregnancy I don’t think we as mothers can ever get enough reassurance that everything is okay. However, I hope and pray that with all of us thinking about you and praying for you, that it helps give you some reassurance.
Love your inspiration photos!
Praying for you and little one!
Of course it’s okay. Having lost a baby too, I know the need for that reassuring kick. What I need to know is if you are going to have a garage sale with all of your discards? I got so many cool things at the last one, I’d love to come if you are. Just let me know when.
It’s more than okay with me…..your words made me long for that “little girl” that I’ve been blessed to hold in my arms…who are now 21, 14 and heavenly….you can come here and talk to me about anything….I’ll always be here to listen!!! Love you!!!
I know how you’re feeling!! I used to poke and prod Bella just to get her to kick bc I was so worried. I also drank caffeine bc I knew it’d get her to move a lot more. Sending you love and prayers!!! Dance baby girl DANCE!!!
oh yes, totally fine. whatever makes YOU feel better, mama.
beautiful choices. excited for you!
When Jonathan didn’t kick toward the end I thought I would lose my mind. He’s 4 and still kicking! Praying for your beautiful baby!
Buying clothes – that was a huge leap of faith, mama. I’m proud of you.
You can always share the pretty with us! Thanks for trusting us with so much.
I loved reading this post, and please know that there are a lot of us right beside you holding your hand each step of the way.
The excitment here is building too as our eldest is expecting a little girl the week after you! Our first official grandchild!! I say official as we have taken over the role of grandparents to my sisters grandchildren since her passing. Not forgetting the four legged children of our children who come to ‘Nans and poppa’s’ while they are at work.
Please keep sharing your thoughts, dreams and fears for yourself and your beautiful family!
Those rooms are gorgeous, my daughter is going for the homemade look, lots of white with homemade accents, like the hexagon quilt that I am making, close to 300 hexies sewn together by hand, the knitted toys that again I am making and most of all the love that is going into every creation and every item purchased.
Beautiful inspirational rooms! I will be praying for a healthy baby/pregnancy for you. I’m sure your daughter is thrilled to have a baby sister on the way~how fun!
feeling them move IS so sweet and encouraging to a preggo momma… so I am praying for peace and movement:) Such an exciting time, too! Your inspirational pics are beautiful;)
And I just wanted to semi-jokingly say that I am a little jealous that you know this is your last baby. I would love to have that final peace about our family (or my child-bearing) being complete. Maybe that means we’re not done or maybe it’s just waiting for that peace.
Excited for you and your beautiful family. And i think its soo awesome to share baby clothes shopping with your daughter. Sweet and fun memory!
I remember people telling me before I had kids that I would know when I was done having babies, and, like so many other parts of motherhood, I didn’t really get it. Then I got on the baby roller coaster, which for me included fertility treatments, a miscarriage, a healthy baby girl, another miscarriage and finally another pregnancy. I was sure I would feel done when I had my second healthy baby girl. But I didn’t. I remember rocking her, breathing her in, and just knowing that I did not want this to be the last time. But fertility is expensive and emotionally taxing and I was approaching 40. Before I had to make that hard decision, the universe took over and handed me — a 40 year old, fertility challenged mom of a 3 year old and a 19 month old — my precious third baby girl. No fertility problems, no miscarriages, just a healthy little miracle girl. I worried so during that pregnancy — begging her to kick and move. She did and whenI finally held her, I knew I was done. And today, she is the sunniest, happiest, smartest, funniest, cutest, best little 5 year old on the planet. But I might be just a little bit biased!
You will get there too. You will worry til the day she is born, and then you’ll start worrying about all sorts of different things. But she will be here and you will know that your family is complete. (Or maybe not and you’ll decide to go for one more!!)
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html
I’ve been a blog stalker for awhile now and when I came across this article it made me think of you.
I am in this weird place right now of wanting another baby but then again being content with our 5 & 2 year olds. Some days…..the hard, haven’t slept in a week days, I think “we’re good at 2″. Then I catch myself daydreaming about sweet baby feet & smells & think that no I reeeally want another one. I too have always heard that you’ll just know….so here I am waiting to know. May God bless you & may you feel her dancing soon.
I’ve never heard that before…that you just know when you’re done having babies. It makes sense though, because I have the opposite feeling right now about not being done. Praying that you feel her little dances all day long…
This is a beautiful post! I completely relate. We just welcomed our son two weeks ago, after losing a little boy at 19 weeks in May 2010. I understand the anxiety and those moments when the fear takes hold. I look forward to updates and seeing the photos of your daughter when she arrives, healthy and happy.
such a sweet and honest post. glad I am not the only one who wants their baby girl to be moving constantly. prayers.