I just ate toast with strawberry jam. I’m drinking orange juice, not so much because it sounded good but because I would like to feel baby girl kick a bit more. She’s an unpredictable little babe, sometimes she kicks and punches like crazy, one time, I could feel her head, her punches and her kicks all at the same time and then other times, she’s so very quiet. I know much of the quiet has to do with how little I’ve been sitting or resting, which I’m hoping to change soon. These past 8 days have been busier than I could have imagined, which is good because once the kids are in bed and I’m finally sitting with a bowl of ice cream on my belly, sadness kicks in. I just start to feel nothing, maybe.
I don’t know.
So much has happened over the past 8 days, beginning with Sam’s passing. Two other people who impacted our family passed away, as well. I’ve been working non-stop, Eli has been so sick or cutting teeth or something that’s causing him to only cry – not eat or sleep, just cry.
I dare not complain.
In fact, I lay in bed at night and think about the sweetness that occurred in my day. The people I was able to meet and hug last week, my children, who knew Samantha, being extra sensitive and so very sweet to their Mama and my husband doing everything he can to help me and the family and even Samantha’s family. Anna hasn’t really left my side since last week. Even when I nap, she “naps,” too by sitting on my bed and reading a book or coloring. I fall asleep to the sound of her crayons hitting the bottom of the container and the sound of choosing another color. The type of sound that can lead you directly to your childhood.
I think I’m just living in fear right now. As if last week God reminded me to not get too comfortable. A big booming voice in my head that said “I’ve taken away before…” And then I remember where we’ve gone these past few years, how far we’ve come and how quickly it can disappear again. Emotionally, I’m holding on tighter but emotionally I am so scared of the unimaginable happening.
I’m okay, I promise you. And my orange juice is working, so now I’m feeling even a little bit better.
There’s a lot of darkness but also a lot of light. I’m doing what I can do focus on the light.