I’m really grouchy and emotional. I’m short tempered, too. I have felt insanely lonely over these past few weeks. This is not a complaint, it’s just my state of being. I can accept how I’m feeling because I know it’s just a season but I’m afraid it won’t end until after the baby is born. Actually, I’m afraid it won’t end until LONG after the baby is born.
I guess it’s okay.
Despite being emotional and lonely, I still have really great moments in my life and am surrounded by many things that I love.
Like my belly. I’ll be 29 weeks tomorrow. Today, we scheduled her birthday. I begin weekly NSTs tomorrow. In August, we give her a bedroom.
I think it’s funny that my belly looks like a dunce cap in this photo. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the corner of the house. But I suppose it really does look like this.
I love my zinnias in the front of my home. They’ve exploded into giant yellow and green balls. Anna and I planted them in late May, early June. They were so tiny. I actually wanted to plant five but they only had enough for three. The purple flower in front was a surprise return from last year. I thought I had pulled them out but they eased their way back into our garden. I love how they accent the zinnia and the sidewalk.
Today, I needed to disconnect, so I packed up lunches and the kids and we went to the park. Such a perfect day for it.
Towards the end, when I was getting really tired, I asked the kids to sit on the bench. I finally got Eli to sit perfectly for me and saw that Anna was making ridiculous faces at the camera.
Lest you think I am always calm. I placed my lens cap on my camera, picked Eli up, put him in the stroller and said “let’s go.”
And we did. I’m still so frustrated that my oldest child ruined such a great photo but I look at it and I have to admit, I do love all of their faces in this photo. But still. ANGRY MAMA.
I’ve been making headbands.
Because of my newborn sessions, I spend a lot of money on Etsy, particularly on headbands, sometimes I’d spend $50 a month on headbands alone. OUCH.
I decided to try making them on my own and guess what? I spent about $60 on supplies and have made about 15 headbands so far with plenty of supplies left over.
I made these two for my neighbor’s newborn. (who happens to have a head FULL of shiny black hair.)
I’m no expert and that’s totally okay with me. It’s a great creative outlet. I’ll be editing photos and stand up, walk into the kitchen and just make a headband. Literally takes minutes. Sometimes I make them while Eli plays with bowls and spoons while, literally, sitting on my feet. It’s enjoyable.
Speaking of Eli:
He’s very busy these days, as you can see.
He’s grown up so quickly and cries so hard when Mommy or Daddy leave the house. His kisses are adorable and he loves carrots more than any other food in the world. He is such a sweetheart.
I guess that’s all I have for you. I did post images from a recent newborn session here, feel free to check it out.
And don’t worry about the first paragraph, I really am okay, I’ve just been uninspired to post here and I wanted to let you know exactly why.
Okay, that first paragraph really hit me. Mostly because I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. It happens during each of my pregnancies and then afterwards as well. My hubby and I just don’t connect like I would have hoped. He becomes moody and crabby and just not what I need. It always leaves me feeling so alone. At least with the last two pregnancies I remembered it from the previous and knew it was just a phase. Still sucks though.
Just wanted to write and let you know that I get it. And this too shall pass.
Hang in there!!!
I am sorry you are feeling lonely and sad. I wish I could take it aeay from you but I understand. With pregnancy no matter if you have had successful ones since the twins it’s still is painful and hard to do, and if you are sad now and even after, it’s normal don’t ever feel like it isn’t! I think it’s great you are having another sweet little girl and you are far better than I. I am not sure when or if I will be able to endure another pregnancy. It’s inspiring!
Oh Beth, I know you say not to worry about the first paragraph, but it makes me so so sad.
Of course all I can think about is how I contribute by never calling you. I know there are many, many more layers but still…. *sigh* I do miss you and love you and think about you….
The pictures are, of course, very good….I agree Anna’s face is cute, BUT I can definitely understand your frustration! For sure! Now, the one of Eli driving and talking on his phone???? Someone give that kids a ticket!!! SO adorable!!! I can’t wait to hear what day baby girl is coming, how exciting!!!!
so to hear about the funk you are in. at least you are aware of it & maybe what is causing it. being a fellow chicagoan, i’d have to say some of it is probably weather induced. aside from today, this weather has been brutal. it will make the best of people short tempered.
i hope this funk passes quickly for you. can’t believe you are 29 weeks already. it has flown by! you must be beyond excited!
At 18 weeks pregnant myself, I was totally caught off guard by the exact feelings you described at the beginning of your post. There was also some anger and resentment and just general annoyance thrown in too. This is pregnancy number 4 for me and I couldn’t ever remember feeling quite that way before. Vitamin B and Omega 3-6-9 supplements were recommended to me and I can’t believe the difference that has made. I still have days where I find myself constantly annoyed or feeling lonely, but it’s a lot easier to put it aside with the extra boost of vitamins.
I can’t even imagine how incredibly busy you must be. Don’t forget to take care of YOU.
We will be fine.
P.S. Zoe makes dumb faces all the time in our photos and it infuriates me. I feel you, girl.
Hugs times a million,
Zak
You were missed tonight. I am looking forward to everyone being together this Saturday. It will be good for the soul.
Steph
I think you should just cut Anna out of that photo. Totally kidding.
I want to know why you feel alone. You’re very much loved, and I hope that makes you feel less lonely. xoxo
ok, i feel like a stalker
can’t remember how i found your blog, but i check it out now, beautiful pictures and pregnancy.
the depressed funk- you’re not alone, it will pass- heat, hormones, nerves… I woke up this morning completely down for no reason!
every week is a victory, just a thought I had last week during my first non-stress test… i thought i’d be able to read or sleep, but since i have to push the button every time she moves, and watch the monitor to make sure it doesn’t start reading crazy numbers, i had to be a lot more “involved” than I thought…. one of the first few times were i had to force myself to intentionally focus on our little girl (usually tired/ busy/ scared), but it really hit me- i have ten weeks (if i go full term- hopefully!!), to spend an hour focusing on her, praying for her, and her big sister, and our family to adjust, love and live together. not that i know you or could tell you what to do, just my thoughts/ advice… but now I really look forward to each week- not only do i get to leave work early and go sit in a recliner, but it’s one of my very few “me” times, both for myself and for our girl
hope you enjoy the testing (and room nesting) to come
I feel that loneliness sometimes, too. I don’t know why, but it’s crushing. I wish you didn’t feel it. I can’t wait to see you very soon.
Would you believe that M is 14 months old and I have yet to get a picture that I love of my girls together? On or the other is always being silly or dramatic.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling uninspired to post. It sounds like you are pretty crazy busy so I can totally understand (and relate).
Have a great day!
I can totally relate Beth. Seems like the *minute* I become pregnant the mood swings start and I feel more lonely. Some of it is having experienced a miscarriage in the past and being terrified of it happening again. Some of it is our bodies changing. But as you know, this too shall pass. Chin up and keeping on keepin’ on!
BTW, love the headbands!
hey glad you’re still hanging around, taking pictures of your BEAUTIFUL kiddos {silly faces & all}, taking belly pictures, and putting your craftiness to good use.
I can totally relate Beth, only you are 29 weeks pregnant, and i am not… but i still understand how you feel.
I love when you take shots of your belly…you are such a great photographer, and a beautiful person
i am in the same state of mind {only not pregnant}. sucks.
loooove the photos, i can always count on one of my children to ruin a group shot, but i guess that’s what makes them “unique”? ;p
I’m so sorry you’re feeling a little down. I felt that way after my son was born. You know what helped me get through it? YOU! I discovered your blog through Stephanie @ Adventures in Babywearing in April 2009 and have faithfully read it since then. I love your sense of humor, your eye for photography, the way you capture people’s spirits, and your gorgeous family. I owe you so much, more than I’ll ever be able to repay!
I had a similar day. Took the boys to the park. They actually whined to go home. I got angry. Demanded they get back in the car. Lots of yelling, mostly directed at my oldest. Why is it we expect so much more from the oldest ones? Not fair. I am trying to be mindful that he’s ONLY 10. Anyway, I feel your pain & you are not alone.
Oh my GOSH! Eli looks like he’s on his way to work or something – ha ha ha!
And is it bad to say that you should just crop Anna out of that photo? That’s not very nice is it? Maybe next time she’ll smile…
p.s. your headbands are precious!
I’m not preggers either, but I too know what you mean about feeling lonely. I go through this every once in a while. I live in a small town and while I have friends, I don’t have any close friends here and sometimes the funk of loneliness just catches up to me. I can’t remember the last time I had girl time with pals.
And on another note… you don’t know how many of those “one goofy kid” pics I have too.
Hang in there gorgeous prego lady!
Love the headbands! Do you ever thrift for material? We hit Goodwill on $1 days and pick up clothing pieces to use for crafts. I have several silky polyester shirts that are great for singed flowers. My favorite thing is wool, though. I’ll probably never buy pricey wool felt again. I love it because I NEED to craft, and getting materials this way makes it super affordable.
Beth,
I’ve been reading your blog since you lost your two precious angels and after a few months hiatus I’m just getting caught up now. I’m so happy to hear you are expecting a baby girl! I come from a family of 4 kids with the same birth order of your kids, and although two brothers are between my sister and I we are still very close. I’m glad Anna will get to experience the joys of having a sister!
I love watching your family grow!
I love making headbands and hair clips! Having a baby girl has been so much fun for me.
Don’t get me wrong, the first couple of months are murder for me (ala postpartum anxiety). But now my baby is four months old and I am LOVING it. She is so much fun and so cute! It is easy to get crafty for cute little girls. I can’t wait to see yours!
I know the feeling well. I hope it all gets better for you soon. I love your pictures, and I love the headbands. I could blow my whole budget on cute headbands for my girl!
I am so with you on the lonely thing. I thought it was just me…but I am 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I feel SO ALONE some days that I occasionally bust out crying and start thinking “I want my Mama!” My mom lives 5 hours away and she is the person I trust the most to take care of my daughter (who is almost 2) when we go to the hospital to have this baby, so of course I am really nervous about how all of that is going to work out. My brother is getting married the day after my due date so I don’t know yet if my mom will be able to make it here for the baby or not. I’ve never left my daughter with anyone besides my husband for more than a couple hours and I’m afraid she’ll think we’ve deserted her!