Hi friends. I’m sitting in my bed, drinking coffee. I just had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. My whole family is home right now which will not be the case next week when Brian will be back to work and Anna and Noah will be at school. I like all of us here but I do believe I’m ready for school to begin.
Noah is sitting next to me playing with my new iPad. Anna is playing Barbies, Eli is sleeping, Brian is on a work call.
Last night I slept for over 12 hours. I do believe I am starting to feel much better. Wednesday morning (as in 12:30 in the morning) through Wednesday evening was easily the most pain I have been in in my life. I can’t explain it but nothing, no amount of muscle relaxers or pain killers helped me with the pain. I literally could not move.
Today, I can pee pretty easily and turning on my side isn’t so much a chore. There’s still pain but not as much which makes me hopeful that I’ll be able to NOT go to physical therapy. I’m still working on this whole “sitting in bed” thing, it’s not my thing, I do not like it, I want to be up an doing stuff again. Today I plan to shower and edit a few photos. That’s the extent of my to-do list.
How sad is that?
I feel immense guilt over everything. I waited until three in the morning on Wednesday to call my OB because I felt guilty waking her up. (still do) I had to call my Mom, who lives 20 miles away at three in the morning to come watch the kids, GUILT. Brian having to take time off of work: guilt. Brian not able to travel this weekend for work: tons of guilt. Not being able to be an interactive Mom to the big kids: guilt. Unable to hold Eli: such guilt. Not being able to take Anna and Noah school supply shopping, as I promised: so much guilt.
Last night, I just cried. and cried. and cried. I feel selfish, I hate having to ask someone to help with everything I do. (even turning on my side) It’s temporary, yes. But that doesn’t take away my sadness that I’m feeling at THAT moment.
Also, I feel like my house is falling apart. You know how it is. You step away for a few hours and the mess just continues because you’re not there to pick up after people or tell them when to clean up after themselves. And this isn’t Brian’s fault because he’s working from home, taking care of his gigantic, paralyzed wife, a toddler and two kids.
Fortunately, my Mom has been helping and Stephanie brought us dinner last night (what a beautiful thing from both of them.) So, it’s not like everything is broken, it just feels like it sometimes.
I’m hoping when I come back here on Monday, everything will be better. Yes, that is my hope.