I can’t remember, at some point yesterday but actually it was 15 months ago, Brian left to pick the kids up from Bible School. I was left alone with Eli. It was a perfect summer night, the sun starting to set. It was June.
I love June.
I laid on the bed with him. The house silent. I unsnapped my bra to nurse, his head in the crook of my arm. He knew exactly what to do, opened his mouth and latched perfectly. The latch we worked for two months to perfect.
So, completely worth it.
It wasn’t just the latch that was perfect, it was that moment, the silence, the temperature, this baby in my arms, the knowledge that I’m the lucky one to hold him to have him as mine. His eyes were open. He would switch between looking deeply into my eyes and the ceiling fan. He always loved the ceiling fan.
Finally, he drifted to sleep, as I watched. Honored to have been there to watch this simple moment in his life.
Moments ago, we laid him down for his nap, I watched him in the video monitor, he lays on his belly, his bootie in the air. He turns to his side, he lays on his back, lets his legs stretch outside the crib. His eyes open, I watch him blink, grateful for this technology, for this moment that I otherwise would not be able to witness.
He settles on his side, his hand rubs the sheet. In that moment, I want to swoop him up and take him into my bed, lay him in the crook of my arm and watch him drift. But being a toddler, he’d stand on the bed and run and fall and laugh and well, not go to sleep.
So, I’m happy and content with this moment that I’m witnessing. Although, not in my arms but in my life. Watching him sleep.
I can remember this moment in the hospital, trying to rest my body but unable to sleep as I watched him sleep. It’s funny how, as a Mama, you don’t need the TV or entertainment or people, you are perfectly content watching another human just lie there, with their eyes closed, praying for sweet dreams. I love being a Mama.
This time next week, I’ll be doing the same thing, with another baby, whom I’ve just met but have loved for so long. Joyfully. Peacefully. Sleepily.