It’s hard to believe it’s been four years since we held James and Jake in our arms. Mostly we are okay, I often think about how I failed them as a Mom the moment they died. How oblivious I was to their suffering and ultimately their death. What was I thinking or doing at that moment? The thought that I wasn’t able to help them transition to their death haunts me.
My job as their Mom was so short, how could I have failed them so greatly in such a short period of time?
We have such a blessed life right now. So chaotic with normal everyday struggles but we have so many beautiful things. Beautiful children who grace us with their love and laughter (and tears and tantrums) each a day. We don’t dwell on what is lost … we just live.
But sometimes, in the dark of the night as I’m drifting to sleep, I wish so hard that I had just checked on those sweet boys in their beds. I envision blue quilts and soft snoring, a gentle nightlight cascading a little bit of light on their perfect faces. I breathe in knowing that this will never be part of our life.
And sometimes, in the morning, as the sun is beginning to rise, I’ll be nursing Clara back to sleep and I’ll just wish that I had experienced this with those boys.
Lately, our life has been so busy that I haven’t even had time to be sad. My mind won’t even go there. But yesterday, after a morning of errands with the kids, dishes, laundry, diapers, naps and feedings, I had to get in the car by myself to go to a store about 25 miles away. I wasn’t one mile from my home when my mind slipped into the reality that it’s been four years.
It hit me so hard.
I just really miss them.
I just wish they were here.
Oh Beth. I pray that one day you will not feel failure. You wanted them and you loved them and you never failed them. Peace friend.
We never forget.
They are your guardian baby angels, with you always.
xoxo
Just coming from Twitter to offer love and prayers. You did not fail them. Many of us in the blogosphere will always remember your sweet boys. Praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I think of your boys often. I’m not sure why, but I do. You loved and still love those boys with all your being. They are blessed. Their parents loved them more then so many children are loved here on earth. Hugs to you and Brian.
Oh, sweet friend. You didn’t fail them at the moment they passed. You were around them, your belly gently rocking and swaying them, your heart reassuringly beating around them. You did transition them, as their souls left for the world beyond ours. I’ve no doubt that they felt your comfort.
Oh, Beth. My heart aches for you.
You did not fail your sweet boys. Never. Don’t even think it.
Big hugs.
It’s so impossible.
You can forgive & love & go on with everyone but yourself.
And time is so ruthless. It marches & stomps & takes them ever further away but somehow it also makes the path greener & softer more beautiful & light as we go along.
I hope every time you look back that you can see yourself a little more softly, more beautiful & more full of light. I don’t know what that means yet but I have faith & I keep praying we will.
We will.
I love them. I love you. Always.
Erin said it beautifully.
Praying for you.
Hugs Beth. Lots and lots of hugs.
I can see how you would wish that you could be sure your heart and your thoughts and your actions were fully devoted to James and Jake as they passed. That has to be a very difficult feeling to face.
What any baby (any person, really) needs, especially in their most desperate moments, is to feel loved. I don’t know of any child who is more loved than they are, or any more than they were at that moment. Even if you weren’t aware of what you were thinking at that moment, I’m confident that they were feeling nothing but perfectly loved by their Mama.
I am so sorry. I have not walked through this kind of pain, but I do know this: You DID NOT fail your children. Oh my heart breaks to see that you think you failed them. I am sure you and your husband loved them to the end with every fiber of your being. Praying for you today.
holding you so close today….thank you for sharing….hard to believe…feels like yesterday….I love you! <3
Hi Beth,
Our family was out to lunch this afternoon and Emily asked if I’d read your blog post today. She told me she got teary reading about your twin boys. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to have lost them. You will be reunited with your angels someday, but for now I’d say they’re watching over you and their brothers and sisters. Hugs!
Hi Beth
I know exactly how you feel. My identical twin boys would be 4 years old in July. They were born very suddenly, too early to live longer than 1/2 an hour. My husband and I were too stunned and scared to see them until after they passed away. We never held them. It was all so scary and overwhelming. I too feel like a failure that I didn’t hold them and comfort them as they died. But they had each other, as your boys did. And they are now held by their heavenly Father, a greater comfort than we could have ever given them.
Pamela
Oh Beth, I’m so sorry. But I do not believe you failed them and I hope that you can believe that someday too. Thinking of you and praying for you all. xoxo
This is a pain no mother should have to endure. No one or words can ever console or whisk that pain away there will always be a special place in your heart for them and that pain you feel is them squeezing your heart in remembrance of a special life you held and enjoyed ever so briefly. I don’t know you but I do know that no one would say such heartfelt and public words if they did not they didn’t do all they could. No one knows how long we have on this earth each day is precious. you did not fail them it was simply there time to go Hugs
I’m a new reader and I’m just very sorry and think what you’ve written is beautiful.
This is hard, real and raw.
It is ok to miss them.
They will always be a part of you.
I understand this….I wish I did not. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. You are a loving mother to all your children. I am wishing peace for you.
You have done anything but fail them. You have kept their memory alive & used their story to bring so many together. You have been able to
Walk with others through loss and been a true picture of courage. Your vulnerability in posts like this continues to honor them. You have loved them well and continue to do so.
My sweet Angel Baby, Sam, will be four next Sunday. I completely understand all your feelings. My son lived 11 hours and for months and months I replayed those 11 hours and all the things I wished I would have/could have done. But I truly believe that Sam is in Heaven (along with your boys!) and watches me (us). He knows my love for him as I am sure your boys know your love for them. You didn’t fail them. We didn’t fail our children. You are a wonderful mother!!! Peace to you!
{{HUGS}} May peace and comfort find you and hold you until you see your beautiful boys again. <3
thinking of you sweet friend
You came to my mind over the weekend – I knew that the anniversary was upon us. Your boys are SO loved and they knew it – they knew. Please don’t ever think that you failed them. Hugs and love to you today.
Oh how can it be. I’ve found that time has no consistency with my mind and heart. Some things feel like they are still happening right now, and the present feels old. Love to you.
Steph
Love and hugs sent to you.
Erin said it better than I could.
Hugs and wishes for peace to you beautiful lady.
The what ifs and if onlys will kill us. There is nothing you could have done differently. Your mother’s love is constant, and certainly they know that. Blessings.
I miss James and Jake too. I deeply miss watching them grow up here. And I’m so thankful that you continue to talk about them and to share your feelings and thoughts… I know it must be hard for you, but your sharing is a blessing to so many people, and so honoring to your sweet sons. Many hugs, Beth.
Thinking of you and your sweet family! So glad you continue to talk about and honor your boys. You are an excellent mother…don’t ever think different!
Hugs to you and your family. The fleeting moments of motherhood are always to brief. Your boys know your love and know complete love. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, big hugs. Four years can seem like a lifetime but it can also pass by in a moment, especially when it’s a busy, busy moment. You’re such a good mom and have so much love in your heart for *all* your children.
Oh Beth- I pray for you, my heart pains for you. I don’t think the grief ever really goes away- we just get used to dealing with it. 4 years can seem like a lifetime & yet a blink of an eye all at once. It’s hard to wrap one’s head around at times. BIG TIGHT HUGS!!!
Four years of changes, but in your heart, they will always be a part of you. Hugs to you and your family.
Hugs and love and sweet wishes to you. What a very hard, raw and real thing to share.
I am more than a little late with this comment.
But, I wanted to say that it hardly seems possible it’s been four years. And you did not fail them.
I think I said this last year at this time, too, but I love the photo of you with the boys… and of you holding Brian’s hand.