I’ve had a lot of people inquire as to why this year is the last year for Team James and Jake. (I don’t think I’ve announced that on this blog, have I? Well, this is the fifth and final year for Team James and Jake.)
After last year’s walk, or maybe even on the drive to the actual walk, I told Brian what I was thinking “just one more year.” I told him that I’d see how I felt during the year and make my decision once the fundraising push for 2012 began.
2012 rolled around and I knew my decision. It was simple.
This was it.
Things are so busy right now. Four kids, a full-time (totally dreamy) business, a husband who works in a different city entirely and who goes to grad school. It’s obvious that time is an issue. Time should be an issue.
What’s not obvious is how hard it is to handle people forgetting.
I get it. It happens. I’ve forgotten about others, I mean, I remember, on many occasions, the raw heartbreak that I once read about, I remember clutching my chest and tears streaming down my face as I read about someone’s loss, someone other than mine.
And then
it happened
to me.
And there’s no way to properly describe what it feels like. Aside from the pain, the heartbreak, the learning how to take each day and RE-learn how to live having lost something you so desperately loved, there’s another aspect you probably don’t think about.
It’s how others feel.
There’s always an initial outpouring and it’s necessary and beautiful and the best thing for a grieving person, no matter how much they try to deny people (*raises hand*)
And then there’s the people, the people who feel completely vested in you. Whether it’s your mother or your sister or a blog reader, whether they’ve met or not, they are there, holding your hand, whether it’s in person or virtual. It’s there and it’s felt and it’s … again … necessary. (and so, so beautiful.)
And life … moves on … and things being to
trickle.
And that’s how it is. That’s how it’s supposed to be, that’s what helps us become stronger and move on.
I like it that way. I like that my deepest moments of despair are reserved for just me or are intimately shared with someone close to me. It doesn’t have to be tears, it can be a look, a simple nod, but it’s there. And it helps.
After losing James and Jake, I shared something with my sister, I said “I can’t bear the thought of them being forgotten.”
And I couldn’t and I still can’t. But I’m trying to reframe that thought. We, as a family, will never, ever forget. But others, they’ve moved on, they’ve shared their piece of their heart with me and it was so beautiful and some of you still do. Some of you donate or walk or share with me when you saw two birds and it made you think of our sweet babies. And some of you, have picked up your loving hearts and shared them with others who needed it. And I … love that.
And so maybe that’s where I’m at. Maybe I know you haven’t forgotten, I mean, maybe I feel at peace with this decision of this being the final year of Team James and Jake because I BELIEVE that you, as a loving human being have given me all that you could give ME and you’re ready to give to someone else who needs you as much as I did.
And Oh my God, that is completely okay with me.
***
And so, if you feel it, donate. If you can and want to, walk with me. But if not? That’s okay with me. Knowing your heart is doing something good for anyone is the best tribute I could possibly ask for when it comes to James and Jake.
They are definitely not forgotten, not even by those of us who only “kind of” know you. Maybe walking in someone else’s team is something you could do next year? Still commemorating them, but shifting the main focus onto someone else?
Sending you a huge hug.
You do such a great job of reflecting on your loss and the grieving process and communicating it beautifully and thoughtfully. The way you look at your own pain and how others relate to it . . . yeah, it’s just beautiful. You should write a book.
I will never forget them. Or you. I think (hope!) you know that though. I think people hesitate to bring it up because they see you thriving and think they don’t want to tamper with what appears to be a heart re-bound. Also, I think that your celebrity makes caring people (like me) feel the need to step back and give you space for private emotion. We don’t want to try to OWN too much of your loss ourselves… that would be disrespectful of just who James and Jake are to you, their Mom and family. I hope that makes sense?
This: “And some of you, have picked up your loving hearts and shared them with others who needed it. ” is very gracious and such a wonderful way to put it. I never would have thought like that. Love it, too.
Steph
Absolutely beautiful. I love that I’ve been able to be a part of this for every single year, except for the first… and only then because I didn’t know you. If I did, I would’ve been there by your side.
I also so greatly admire that you knew when it was time for this particular journey to draw to a close, that you knew that this being the last year for the walk doesn’t mean that this is the last year that James and Jake will cross anyone’s mind. I know I will never, ever forget all that I’ve learned from you and those two boys. Never.
This makes me sorry I don’t know you better. My kids and I regularly remember in prayer our friends who have lost little ones, and we will remember you and your sweet little men.
You write so beautifully Beth. So, so beautifully. It’s another gift of yours!
You are amazing and so loved.
I found your blog because of the loss of James and Jake, through Jenny (Allie’s mom) and I’ve learned so much from you. How to love, how to cherish and how to help others grieve. I remember you saying long ago that you didn’t want James and Jake to be forgotten and normally after someone has suffered a loss, that is what I tell them “Your loved one will not be forgotten.” And I know it is appreciated.
Much love to you!!
loving you. loving James and Jake. loving your whole family… with all I’ve got. yesterday. right now. tomorrow. hugs and love and peace, JH
I want you to KNOW that I will never forget. I have two ceramic birds on my mantle because I like birds too and whenever I look at them I think of your precious, angel boys. I am so glad that you have felt the love from this community and continue to do so, Beth. Much love, always…. Elaine
Even though I seldom ever leave comments anymore (usually I’m lucky to grab a moment to read some of my favorite blogs and “catch up” ) I just want you to know that I will NEVER forget James or Jake