Not only have I not spent a lot of time outside the house, I haven’t spent a lot of time alone. A few days ago I decided that I had had enough and needed to get out. I decided to go grocery shopping. I’ve been given permission to drive (after I started driving), it’s no small feat. Once I get to the car using a crutch and wearing my boot, I climb in and have to take my boot off and loosely put on my athletic shoe. I can then drive.
It takes awhile because there are so many layers to a boot and large velcro straps and also my boot is GIGANTIC and the space below the steering wheel really isn’t that large so there’s lot of finagling to do.
So, I decided to go to the grocery store which was a pretty ambitious task considering I’ve barely been anywhere at all in the past five weeks but I needed to do it. I missed grocery shopping.
I got my shoe on and started to drive. I noticed that there was some darkness in the sky ahead so I checked the radar on my phone and saw that it was going to be raining HARD for a long time in just a few minutes. I immediately realized that this trip was pretty impossible, difficult already but with rain on a crutch in a boot with a cart? I’m thinking no. So, I turned around. I sent a text to Brian and let him know that I was returning and why.
And then it hit me. That undeniable urge to go to the bathroom. You know that one, right? The one that at first you think your stomach is just a bit grumbly and then things move south with great urgency. You squeeze things together to try to, I don’t know, move things back up? Change it’s mind? But really what you should do is get to the nearest restroom ASAP.
I considered stopping at a gas station but the image of me rushing through the doors wearing a large boot and a single crutch wasn’t very appealing to me. I have an image to uphold, don’t you know.
So, I continued on towards my house. Typically that trip takes about 4 minutes but on this particular trip it seemed to take 4.23 hours. It was very frustrating.
Finally. I pull into my driveway, open the garage door and realize that I still have to put my boot on. Had I brought two crutches, I could have skipped the whole boot thing but with one crutch, it was impossible. Totally impossible. So, I grab my boot from the passenger side and start putting it on. And things became … dangerous. I had to skip much of the process so I left two of the large vecro straps unstrapped and grabbed my crutch and OMG WATCH OUT PEOPLE, MAMA’S GOTTA GO.
I hobble up the stairs (by the way, I sent another text to Brian and let him know about the very serious situation – PLEASE CLEAR ALL WALKWAYS AND MAKE SURE NO ONE IS IN THE BATHROOM – I believe was the exact instruction.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the hobbling. I hobble up the steps, barely keeping my boot on and start to walk and something grabs me and I get pulled back. I try to pull my leg against this force, what was it? An alligator? Why does my leg now weigh 550 pounds? I drag my foot and look down and see that my large velcro straps have grasped the giant rug in the laundry room. I reached down and try to release the straps and OHMYGOD THIS WILL NOT END WELL. Brian is nearby “can I help?! What’s going on?!” he said “THESE MOTHER $#@#& STRAPS, they’re holding onto the rug, I’m going to die!”
FINALLY, they let go and I walk and again. I feel it again, this force or this alligator, I’m not sure which and there’s another rug grabbing onto my boot like a water skier to a boat except this is NO TIME FOR RECREATION!
WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY RUGS?!?! I yell out loud.
Brian grabs the rug and I barely make it.
But I made it. Thankfully.
It never did rain, by the way.