Not only have I not spent a lot of time outside the house, I haven’t spent a lot of time alone. A few days ago I decided that I had had enough and needed to get out. I decided to go grocery shopping. I’ve been given permission to drive (after I started driving), it’s no small feat. Once I get to the car using a crutch and wearing my boot, I climb in and have to take my boot off and loosely put on my athletic shoe. I can then drive.
It takes awhile because there are so many layers to a boot and large velcro straps and also my boot is GIGANTIC and the space below the steering wheel really isn’t that large so there’s lot of finagling to do.
So, I decided to go to the grocery store which was a pretty ambitious task considering I’ve barely been anywhere at all in the past five weeks but I needed to do it. I missed grocery shopping.
I got my shoe on and started to drive. I noticed that there was some darkness in the sky ahead so I checked the radar on my phone and saw that it was going to be raining HARD for a long time in just a few minutes. I immediately realized that this trip was pretty impossible, difficult already but with rain on a crutch in a boot with a cart? I’m thinking no. So, I turned around. I sent a text to Brian and let him know that I was returning and why.
And then it hit me. That undeniable urge to go to the bathroom. You know that one, right? The one that at first you think your stomach is just a bit grumbly and then things move south with great urgency. You squeeze things together to try to, I don’t know, move things back up? Change it’s mind? But really what you should do is get to the nearest restroom ASAP.
I considered stopping at a gas station but the image of me rushing through the doors wearing a large boot and a single crutch wasn’t very appealing to me. I have an image to uphold, don’t you know.
So, I continued on towards my house. Typically that trip takes about 4 minutes but on this particular trip it seemed to take 4.23 hours. It was very frustrating.
And risky.
Finally. I pull into my driveway, open the garage door and realize that I still have to put my boot on. Had I brought two crutches, I could have skipped the whole boot thing but with one crutch, it was impossible. Totally impossible. So, I grab my boot from the passenger side and start putting it on. And things became … dangerous. I had to skip much of the process so I left two of the large vecro straps unstrapped and grabbed my crutch and OMG WATCH OUT PEOPLE, MAMA’S GOTTA GO.
I hobble up the stairs (by the way, I sent another text to Brian and let him know about the very serious situation – PLEASE CLEAR ALL WALKWAYS AND MAKE SURE NO ONE IS IN THE BATHROOM – I believe was the exact instruction.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the hobbling. I hobble up the steps, barely keeping my boot on and start to walk and something grabs me and I get pulled back. I try to pull my leg against this force, what was it? An alligator? Why does my leg now weigh 550 pounds? I drag my foot and look down and see that my large velcro straps have grasped the giant rug in the laundry room. I reached down and try to release the straps and OHMYGOD THIS WILL NOT END WELL. Brian is nearby “can I help?! What’s going on?!” he said “THESE MOTHER $#@#& STRAPS, they’re holding onto the rug, I’m going to die!”
FINALLY, they let go and I walk and again. I feel it again, this force or this alligator, I’m not sure which and there’s another rug grabbing onto my boot like a water skier to a boat except this is NO TIME FOR RECREATION!
WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY RUGS?!?! I yell out loud.
Brian grabs the rug and I barely make it.
But I made it. Thankfully.
It never did rain, by the way.
Oh my! That was funny and sad all at the same time. The alligator… freaking cracked me up! then.. It never did rain.. LOL LOL LOL
Here’s to hoping you are feeling better!!
Oh my gosh you make me laugh!! I know that urgency also, which is why I will never stop at a certain McDonalds outside of Indianapolis ever again..
and the rugs, it’s like they were on the alligators side:)
Benn there, done that! I suffer from IBS so I totally understand the situation. I had it happen on vacation driving around with the hubby’s cousins. I wanted to die of embarrassment :-/
OH MY WORD!!! I’m laughing SO hard I’m scaring the cat and dog! Congratulations on making it where you needed to go on time.
Oh, Beth – this had me laughing out loud for real.
hahaha oh my gosh!! This sounds like something that would happen to me!
I get poop attacks somewhat often! They are awful!!! I am glad you made it safe and sound! And what a great story! 
Oh my word! I laughed so hard reading this that I was crying. Thanks for sharing. I needed a laugh this morning.
Hope your foot heals soon!
This is great!!! Good to know we’re all the same deep down. Laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing.
OMG, you had me laughing SO hard! Just picturing it makes me laugh again and again. Thanks for a great story! Lol
This? Was awesome. Thank you.
Priceless! It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed this hard at a blog post.
I LOVED this post and I certainly understand your predicament. I once had the same, urgent problem with three little ones strapped in their carseats in the backseat. I made it home only to realize I was locked out. I left the kids strapped in and went to climb in an open window. And then it happened. You know…it happened. Every shred of clothing went straight into the garbage. Hideous, hideous day.
OM gosh, now that’s having a bad day! I’m sorry to hear. I hate it when nothing seems to be going right. I have a very sensitive stomach so I can totally relate to the grumble in the tummy (unfortunately) ;o) And after all that it didn’t even rain! Crazy!
Oh I’m so sorry, but this is what we call in this house a “photo finish!” (I don’t mean to laugh.. really… hahahaa)
Oh my, what a way to start my day. I didn’t mean to laugh at your expense, but I couldn’t help myself. It was quite the visual I had going in my mind. Thanks for the laugh!!
I’ve been known to fore warn the kids, “when we get home, prepare to get yourselves inside, I need to run to the bathroom and if you come in with me, you might get run over by the momma dash!!”
Oh phew…you had me laughing out loud. Glad you made it to the potty in time.
oh my. that was the most hilarious story ever!
laughing hysterically….out loud at your expense….I am so sorry but ….”YOU A FUNNY WOMAN!!!” Thanks for sharing and hey…get rid of those !@!@!@@!@@ rugs!!!
Oh my, I can SO relate. Mine happened while I was out running. I was so set to park my butt there and then. I ended up texting my son to come get me,,,, I never made it home but I thank goodness the cemetery toilets were open that day!!!! I was in agony!!! I’m sorry I laughed
imagining your agony but only because I shared it and it sure is not NICE!
Oh Beth! I am laughing so hard my cheeks hurt and I’m crying! I can totally picture the whole situation. Once, while out on a walk pushing a stroller, I got the urge. I was a mile and a half from home with no one to call. I didn’t quite make it…
You know, I’m in a boot now, trying to fix my Achilles issues without surgery (also on my driving foot!!). SO, I GET this. And consider me warned.