Adam: Well, I’m feeling a little out of place here in Week 2 (this season just started last week, yes?), because the top five is all female. For some reason that makes a difference. But I’ll man up, or girl up, or . . . I don’t know. I’ll just enjoy the show. Beth, are you ready for a diva battle?
Beth: hmmm…I can see where you’re coming from. Now, when you say diva battle, you mean between Mariah and Randy, right? The thing about singing songs from the year the contestants were born is that HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.
Adam: Um . . . I meant between the two of us, but whatevs. I will say that Keith Urban gives us absolutely nothing to make fun of with his wardrobe. T-shirt. Jeans. Okay. It was nice of the rest of the judges to dress as extras from the “Beat It” video. Anyway. Candice.
Straight Up? Definitely a wise choice if for no other reason than that she won’t have to worry about being unfavorably compared to the original vocal (Oh, Paula, may you rest in peace). But I really wish Simon were here to call that performance cabaret. I really liked it, but it still seemed pretty safe for Top 5 territory.
Beth: I miss Simon. Thanks for bringing him up, now I’m crying. I enjoyed the performance but wasn’t blown away.
Janelle is singing a song by Vince Gill because when she was little it would stop her from crying but yeah, you guessed it, IT HAS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME. Boring. Pitchy. Sucky. Just NO. Hey, while we are on the subject of NO, what is going on with Nikki’s boobs, Adam?
Adam: Nikki’s boobs? Hmm . . . I hadn’t noticed over the screech of her voice and the roar of my own snoring. All I can say is Janelle’s song choice was out of her range (on the low end) and her dress choice was straight out of Barbara Mandrell’s wardrobe. Also, Mariah is still talking. This is the best sleep I’ve gotten in months.
Kree is up next singing “She Talks to Angels” by the Black Crowes, which is one of my favorite songs to sing. She did such a nice job. Nice. A little too nice. It’s supposed to be southern fried rock, and I’m pretty sure that was grilled and healthy and not exactly my cup of beer. I’m a touch disappointed with that one.
Beth: Beer. That’s what I need. I really enjoyed the beginning with just the guitar, to be honest. Too bad it only lasted 24 seconds. The song didn’t hold my attention but what DID hold my attention was the cat fight at the end between Nikki and Mariah.
Angie is performing “I’ll Stand by You” and well, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t hate it but I would never buy that single. Or listen to it for free off of Spotify. I LOVE that the three judges were giving standing ovations and Nikki did not. Dangit, I enjoy Nikki. Adam, what is Mariah always reading when she’s talking? And why is she always talking?
Adam: Mariah is reading War and Peace. Word for word. Without a break. And Nikki can’t stand up because her Coke cup is the only thing covering up the rest of her boobs. Angie overperformed that song almost as much as she overpronounces her T’s.
I can’t believe the show is already done! Amber wraps things up with a song from the year she was born. I’m guessing it will be Call Me, Maybe. No? She’s older than that? Oh, no, she’s choosing a Mariah song to remind her that she’s old. Smart, Amber. Smart. Also, my ears are bleeding.
I would like to take a moment to discuss Amber’s outfit which is a giant “no.” It’s just bad. Is she wearing a sunset? The song started bad, like her shoes but it ended better than I expected. And listen, this is a hard song to sing. I sing it often in the shower and my neighbors always, always complain. Trust me. It’s tricky.
Candice is singing a Whitney and Mariah duet (which I didn’t know existed) for the diva round. Adam, I don’t like divas. Candice is a great performer, I have a hard time believing she won’t win the whole thing but I didn’t LOVE that song OR that performance. Call me crazy.
Adam: Girl, you crazy. Here’s the thing: I remember wanting to love this song when it came out. And I didn’t. I sarcastically said when I heard Candice say she was taking on Mariah and Whitney that I was sure she would do a better job than they did. And then she went and did it. And I loved that. I don’t know. It really connected with me.
Janelle is singing Dumb Blond by Dolly Parton, and, shocked as I am, I love the spirit of this performance. It was fun, but she forced me to take her seriously as an artist. Or at least I obliged on this occasion. I’d vote for that.
Grab some Pabst Blue Ribbon, some peanuts and lets head to the local tavern for some Karaoke. YEEEHAWWW. I did not like this performance. I thought she was so pitchy. Dumb blonde needs to go. K?
Kree performed a Celine Dion song. She sounded good but MEH. But don’t blame Kree, I’m grouchy and tired and why aren’t I sleeping?
Adam: I blame Kree. It was annoying and gross. She needs to stop shaking her head.
If I could be a diva, I’d be Beyonce. Oh, who am I kidding? I kind of am Beyonce. I can’t believe Angie didn’t pick Miley Cyrus. She did okay. Smart choice picking a song without a lot of T’s in it.
So, this was DEFINITELY my favorite Angie performance so far this season. (and by this season I mean these past two weeks). The only thing I did not enjoy was the Bohemian Rhapsody Angie heads floating around in the beginning. That was just creepy.
Amber is performing a very sleepy Barbra Streisand song, let me just grab my blankie and pillow and turn over and go to sleep. I’m not saying Amber didn’t perform that beautifully, because she did, I’m just saying I don’t see that as a top ten any time soon. I’m afraid it’s going to be lost on most of the viewers.
Adam: I really thought it was outstanding. It’s a fine way to exit the show, which I’m afraid she will. But still, she should be proud of that one.
Who’s going home?