Beth | I Should Be Folding Laundry

Author Archive for Beth

I just don’t know what to do

February 4th, 2009

Thanks to all of you who have left an amazing comment or sent an email, your support makes such a difference during this time. If I’m being honest with you, I have to tell you that I’m almost embarrassed to be in this position again. This position of leaning on you for your support and love and prayers. I had made so much progress since that fateful day last February and then this happens and almost lands me at square one.

I said almost at square one. This time I know we’ll be okay, last time I never believed it for a second.

The procedure and the day went quite well. I was with my favorite doctor which made me feel well taken care of and Brian was by my side, which brings me strength, especially when he continues to tell me how pretty I am despite the dark circles, lack of make-up and funky surgery hair.

Today, however, brings me a new dilemma. I have to make a very big decision. Back before I even knew I was pregnant, I bought airlines tickets, booked a hotel and registered for Blissdom. My flight was schedule to leave on Thursday, February 5th and I was flying with Sarah, Stephanie and Arianne.

I couldn’t wait. I can’t even describe to you how excited I was to meet so many people that are attending. I was constantly giddy at the thought of being able to connect these blogger’s written word with their faces and being able to actually wrap my arms around them.

Even though I knew my pregnancy was a threatened miscarriage this weekend, I had hope and started to shop and prepare for the trip. But then on Monday afternoon, we learned that the once beating heart had stopped and then everything in our worlds stopped, too. Planning stopped, hoping stopped, everything stopped.

I know I should go on this trip and my doctor has told me that physically I would be fine, but also wanted to warn me that the emotional aspect is what I should be thinking about.

Not only that, but can I be ready in time? I mean, I’m still in my hospital underwear for the love of God. (don’t judge, they’re awesome and the nurse gave me EXTRA.)

My eyebrows are bushy.

I have no clothes.

I still have to pack.

And do tons of laundry.

I still have cramping and all I want to do is lay in bed. And not because I’m so depressed, but because I’m so incredibly tired, I just want to sleep.

And? I can’t even drive until this afternoon. Also? 15 inches of snow fell on us last night, so getting around will be treacherous.

I’m saying all of this and I know that I should just crawl back in bed and just wait until next year.

Then again, I wonder if I should just buck up, take a shower and start doing some laundry and go to bed extra early tonight and this weekend I can feel the love and support of my friends and blog world.

But then? What could be better than staying home with my family? (did I mention my birthday is this weekend, too?)

I just need one more day.

I just need to make this decision.

But I can’t.

Loss

February 3rd, 2009

Tomorrow should mark the day I turn nine weeks pregnant.

Instead, yesterday we learned that we lost the heartbeat we saw last week .

I know you didn’t even know about this pregnancy and I’d give anything for this to just be a normal announcement of WEARESOEXCITEDANDSCAREDCANYOUBELIEVE IT?!! But it’s not and there’s not much we can do about this except take each day by the minute.

The pregnancy had signs of trouble for the past three weeks and we were already so guarded, but we still had hope. After all, I had morning sickness at night, I was so tired I couldn’t see straight, my boobs hurt and I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. A lot.

And I loved it all so much.

This afternoon I go in for a d&c. I will share more information when I can actually drink coffee and when I’m not prepping to go to the hospital, for now, this is all I can muster.

Right now, we are numb and wishing so much that this weren’t the case, but this happens and it happens a lot. We are going to be okay.

The Tough Topics

February 2nd, 2009

Last week, I paid a visit over to Miss Britt’s blog and she was writing about something that really got me thinking, which is NOT easy to do. What she wrote about had me pondering life as I know it, thinking that maybe, just maybe, I don’t know everything. (do not tell Mr. Folding Laundry about this line of thinking, it’s between YOU and ME.)

Anyway, as the week continued, I started to wonder how you would all fit into this line of thinking, if you were like me, or if you were like her.

I need to know, how do you load the dishwasher? The top rack, specifically. Do you place the cups on the prongs or between the prongs. I place them between, Brian places them on top and Miss Britt places them on top, as well. (which is TOTALLY WRONG.) (I think.)

I realize not all of you have dishwashers and I wish I could buy you all one because dishwashers are beautiful, but even if you don’t have a dishwasher, I still need you. I continued to think about all of the things I do MY WAY and I need to know if you do it my way or the wrong way your way.

Her post reminded me of the days when I used to hang my toilet paper incorrectly. I believed with all of my heart and soul that toilet paper should only hang from the bottom, not the top. My sister, Sarah, believed the exact opposite. It was a full-on war, whenever she would come to visit, she would change the paper rolls to hang over and I would change them back and she would change them back and then I would change them back and well, you get the idea. And when I would go to visit her, I would change the rolls to hang under and then she would change it back and then I would change it back and now that I’m typing this I’m realizing that we had too much time on our hands before we had children.

Then one day, I realized she was right. I now hang it over and our toilet paper wars are over.

Answer me these questions, I’m begging you:

1. How do you place the cups in your dishwasher? Directly on the prongs or in between the prongs?

2. How do you hang your toilet paper? Hanging over or hanging under?

3. What are you feelings on Kanye West? Love him or leave him? (I may or may not be listening to him on my iPhone right now, but that’s neither here nor there.)

4. Do you refrigerate your peanut butter or is it in your pantry?

5. Do you refrigerate your maple syrup or is it in your pantry?

6. Do you put your bread in the refrigerator?

7. If you found salad dressing in your refrigerator that expired 30 days prior, would you use it or dump it?

8. Do you say tissue or kleenex?

9. Finally, what are your feelings on cottage cheese? Scrumptious snack or disgusting shit?

I’ll share my answers with you later.

Coldly

January 30th, 2009

I was watching The Weather Channel yesterday, which I do for fun because it’s awesome. There was a woman from Arizona being interviewed about her feelings on winter and she said something like “I love winter, I think it’s the best, it’s awesome.“ And she was wearing a cute hat and had on a thin coat and when she talked, you could not see her breath, which meant it’s not cold at all, in fact, let’s just consider it summer. I threw my shoe at the TV, starting booing and turned on Hannah Montana.

Am over here discussing winter today. Come join me, k?

Hopefully

January 29th, 2009

Minutes after finding out that James and Jake had died, I feared losing another pregnancy. I grew up with five brothers and sisters and beside the occasional (everyday) brawl, it was a wonderful experience.

To this day we still get together and laugh and cry and reminisce about the wonderful life and childhood that we had. Despite the occasional (everyday) brawl.

My point is? I want more children.

I know having a pregnancy loss is annoyingly common. My Mother suffered multiple losses of her own, as did my grandmother and most recently, my oldest sister.

Logically, I understand that most early miscarriages are simply because the pieces of the puzzle just did not fit together. It makes total sense. The entire process is so incredibly intricate, how could it not go wrong some of the time? The night I was admitted to the hospital, I can remember talking to Brian and my parents about how amazing it is that Ariel and Racecar are here with us in their most perfect forms.

I still can’t over it.

Honestly, I get annoyed that people don’t know how amazing it is that they can have multiple children and not have any idea how fortunate they are to have carried and birthed without complications. It annoys me, but I also envy that a little bit.

I know there are many people out there that are aware of their gifts or their “luck,” but not everyone is.

Awhile ago, I sat in the waiting room at my OB’s office, only briefly enough to see the ultrasound tech walk up to a very, very young patient. (maybe sixteen years old.) The tech informed the patient that she was incorrectly scheduled for an ultrasound, that she would need to schedule it three weeks later when they could better take measurements of the babies body parts, this it was simply too early to get the best view.

This girl looked up at this tech and started to cry. Why? Because she had to wait three weeks to find out the sex of the baby. Not wait three weeks to make sure everything was okay.

The bitter (and probably jealous) person inside of me wanted to yell at her “have you know idea how lucky you are? In the grand scheme of things you’ll never even remember this teeny tiny little wait.”

I realized then how wrong that was of me to think this way. I did understand her disappointment, but I was still frustrated at what I was seeing.

I guess that’s one of the reasons why I chose to write so candidly about losing James and Jake. I wanted people to understand and I wanted people who have experienced a loss similar to mine to know they are not alone.

Also? There are woman who at the time of my loss had not experienced a loss but have since then and have come to me seeking advice and comfort.

One year ago, I thought my blog would be a great place to share my life with identical twin boys and two kids who were born less than a year apart. I never dreamed my blog would actually turn into a blog that is sometimes described as helpful, inspiring, resourceful and sometimes too difficult to read. {ouch.}

I’ve stated before that I’m not okay with losing James and Jake. I’m not okay with the fear I have when thinking about future pregnancies.

But I am okay with being something bigger than I was a year ago today. I am okay with the fact that I know how sacred each breath we take is, I’m okay with sharing with all of you my hopes and fears and my shortcomings because I know that not everybody is perfect.

Not you. Not me. Not science.

I am fearful, but I guess all we can do is HOPE for the best and let life head in the direction that it’s supposed to, no matter how incredibly difficult that actually is. Any tips on how to do this?