Adam: Beth, friends, country people, lend me your ears. It’s time for the all-country finale of American Idol, and just like this show that pretty much cuts to the chase, I’ll not spoil this with a lot of talk. Finally it’s just an hour-long show . . . now that I don’t want it to end. Beth, how are you feeling about this final showdown?

Fortunately, I’m not having strong feelings either way. This helps keep my blood pressure down which is important during pregnancy, you know.

Adam: Scotty gets us started with his favorite song of the season: Gone? Really? Gone? Oh, Scotty, I love you like a little twerpy brother, but I don’t think that’s the way to start the biggest night of your young life. He slightly toned down the crazy eyes, and it was fun, and I’m so glad Randy is wearing a smoking jacket. And wait . . . Idol producers decided the judges are so useless they need not comment on the performances? Agreed. They probably loved it. But I expect more from you, Scotty.

I’m so confused about the lack of commentary from the judges because, you know, that’s like, part of the show. I like the performance but because I’ve seen it before I sorta stopped paying attention. I do appreciate him decreasing his use of crazy eyes. I just hope it’s not because he’s saving them for later.

Lauren is up next, singing her favorite song of the season. Now apparently there was some drama prior to the show about her vocal chords being blown out, which makes me think … should she be a singer if that happens during rehearsals? Also? This show is so weird tonight.

I enjoyed Scotty’s performance but I would have enjoyed it more with a cowboy hat. Why does he hate cowboy hats? Anyway, he sounded good. Tonight’s Idol feels like it’s on speed. I’m too old for all of this fast movement. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO IS IN IT TO WIN IT?!?!?!

Lauren just sang “Maybe it was Memphis,” a song choice by her Idol, Carrie Underwood. I thought it was a good performance, nothing spectacular. But good. I wanted to balance a cup of coffee on her skirt. That was a fun thought.

OKAY, the judges are speaking…shhhh….shhhh….shhhh….okay, it’s confirmed, both Scotty and Lauren are in it to win it. *phew* Thanks, Randy.

Oh now, see? I really loved this performance by Scotty. Maybe it was the screens showing his journey? Maybe it was the smoke? Maybe it was Memphis? Whatever it was, I loved it. And maybe you didn’t. heh.

Well, Lauren just stole the show with her performance of “Like my Mother does.” Whoa. Amazing. And her Mom and her Dad hugging afterward probably made me cry. She did really well. And I’m probably still crying but luckily J-Lo’s boobs are distracting me so you know. There’s that.

Adam: Hmm . . . I don’t know. I mean, I definitely agree with part of that, but I didn’t think that was fair. The vocal wasn’t nearly as amazing as the moment of singing a song to her mother. That was amazing. But the singing was just alright. To me, that’s cheating and contrived and probably awesome enough to win. Even now, I’m not sure I can remember how the song goes. Again I say Hmm.

I don’t know what to say about this week’s performance show. I understand now that they muted the judges in the beginning to cram in way too much in a one hour period. I can honestly say that this was one of the most disappointing night of performance I have ever seen. (aside from the night with Clay and Ruben. That was bad.)

I’m still going to say that thanks to the teeny bopper vote, Scotty’s going to win.

Adam: Okay, my final prediction: I think Lauren wins in what was probably the most underwhelming (though not as infuriating as last year’s) finale in Idol history.

Adam: Oh. My. Sashafierce. Beth, we’re down to three cute-as-a-button finalists (I mean, really, have you seen a cuter bunch of wanna-be rock stars in your life?), and they are being mentored by Beyonce. Between her and J-Lo (who looks like she’s gradually morphing into an engagement ring, a look that draws no complaints from this couch) America is about to be curved to death. It’s two hours of hometown greetings, judges’ song selections, and who knows what else. Beth, what are your expectations for tonight?

I expect a lot, Adam. I expect you to make me laugh, a lot. I expect Randy to say “in it to win it” at least nine times and I expect to hear Haley over-growl throughout her songs. And now that you mention it, J-Lo does look like an engagement ring. She’s such a trendsetter. (please pause while I run up to tease my hair STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR.)

Adam: Amazed by Lonestar was probably Scotty’s most ambitious song choice all season, and easily his best performance. Really. Wow. So since his delivery was too flawless for me to comment on, let me give him some constructive criticism: Scotty, when you are in the presence of Beyonce, singing a love song, LOOK INTO HER BEAUTIFUL FACE AND SING. Closing your eyes and looking away all cowboy hatless? Please.

I love this song and I love it when Scotty is singing a song that doesn’t cause him to make crazy eyes. And did you notice? He barely held his mic like it was a flute? He sounded good. I’m glad he’s still in the competition.

Lauren is starting her first of 3 songs with Wild One. And maybe she ran laps before hitting the stage or she forgot how to breathe or um…um..umm…I don’t know. But this song seemed too fast for her. She couldn’t keep up and she sounded a little wimpy with her vocals. I’m sad because I expected more. Maybe she’ll start believing in herself before the next two songs.

Adam: All I can figure is that Lauren is overcome with nerves. It makes sense, it being the biggest moment of her life and all. But right now the moment is bigger than Lauren. I’m generally not a fan of the upbeat songs, especially this late in the game. You sing fast, you have to sing super strong. That wasn’t even kinda strong.

Haley is getting the Led out. That’s a bold move. It seems like she knew it was bold and wanted to let the boldness of her choice carry her through the song. And she forgot to really let it rip AND THEN SHE FELL OH NOES! Well. They say it’s all in how you pick yourself up after you fall. She did that. Uh . . . Beth?

I actually really liked this performance and the fact that she fell, just made me like it more. I mean, it’s not that I’m going to vote for her now but I’m closer to it. Oh and her Dad playing the guitar? Probably made me cry. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

Round Two is beginning with Scotty singing a song that Jimmy has chosen. (confession: I have no idea who this Jimmy character is but he keeps coming back every single week, so I guess he’s important.) So, he’s singing “Are you going to kiss me or not.” I’m really happy that he has his guitar tonight. And the lyrics to this song are so sweet and beautiful that I’m probably crying again. Here’s the thing, vocally, he sounded pretty good, totally believable, I could see him performing this on stage but he MUST STOP WITH THE CRAZY EYES. Either way, Scotty is a performer. Loved it.

Adam: Scotty kills me with the innocence. I’m glad Jimmy picked a song with some hormones in it, because if Scotty is really going to take over the hearts of America’s teeny boppers in a Bieber kind of way, those tweens need to believe he wants to be more than friends. They do now. Who cares how he sang it? (Just alright for me, but that’s cool.)

I thought Lauren’s song was cute and she’s so cute. Now, it’s possible that in the middle of the performance I decided to check the Bull’s game and saw that Lebron James had three fouls and then I started thinking about how I have such a crush on him. Which makes things hard because, you know, I want the Bulls to win. Either way. She did mess up in the song but that’s okay. Haley fell.

So, Haley is singing Rhiannon by Steve Nicks which is, of course, a classic. I’m not sure she did it justice, however. I was distracted by the lower register in the beginning and then a windstorm came through and began throwing her hair around. It was so bizarre. No really. I think she’s doing really well. I enjoyed this performance.

The judges’ pick for Scotty is old school, Kenny Rogers’ She Believes in Me. Son, welcome to the finals. At some point, I’ll get sick of seeing Jennifer sing along with the contestants, but I haven’t reached that point quite yet. She’s such a cutie. As for Scotty’s performance, it was free of crazy eyes and full of crazy good.

First, I’m disappointed that this could be Scotty’s last performance on Idol and he is not wearing a cowboy hat. Doesn’t he read my blog? Doesn’t he know that I know everything? ugh. Poor kid. Second, he did great. Definitely a different song for him but he totally pulled it off. I do hope we see him next week.

Lauren is singing “I hope you dance.” This song has some big notes. I hope she gets gutsy and hits those notes. And she did. Made me reconsider if those notes were as big as I remembered. or maybe I’m distracted by the BIG dress. No matter, she sounded really good. Nice job, Lauren.

I do agree that from the minute she read her text, I thought “hmmm…I wonder how they’ll clean this song up.” And they did. Mostly. It is really hard to look past her stumble over the lyrics but the end was a million times better than the beginning. She wound up pulling it off. Good job, Haley. Now, get off the stage. I’m tired.

Adam, who do you think will be voted off?

Adam: Up until the last song, I thought Lauren would get out-countried by Scotty. But I think the judges may have put Haley in an impossible position with that last song. I’ll say Haley is out.

Well, I think Lauren. Now, I’ve never been right, but I have a feeling about this one. I think.

Maybe.

What do you guys think?

Yep. Four contestants. James, Haley, Lauren and Scotty.

Most importantly: NOT JACOB.

Tonight, Lady Gaga graces our screens as the Idol’s mentor. I sometimes like her songs but under general everyday conditions, I try to avoid making any type of contact with her. Mainly, my eyes to her.

Adam, I heard you’re a big fan of Gaga’s. Is this true or just a nasty rumor?

Adam: Beth, I really have no idea what I feel about Lady Gaga. There are times when she makes me want to eat my own fingernails and other times when I think she’s adorably amazing. (For the record, I don’t actually ever eat my fingernails.) Anyway, I’m excited to see what tonight holds. (I swear, no nail eating.)

James starts us off with a rockin’ rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing.” And while I’m certain the judges will love it, I’m just going to say that I found it completely safe. The song? It’s an easy sing, even for us shower singers and who doesn’t tap their toes to that beat? This performance proves to me that he would struggle in the Top 40. Let alone the Top 3. I’m hoping the next performance is miles better.

Adam: Ironically, I just two days ago absolutely nailed my shower performance of this song, I kid you not. My best ever. James, however, delivered what might be the single most boring performance of this song in the history of narcolepsy. Awful. He hit some difficult notes. Hooray, James. It sucked. I have two requests: 1) Idol contestants, stop talking to the audience during your songs. And judges, don’t compliment such garbage. Be forewarned, Beth, I am seriously angry at the judges tonight.

One reason I’m seriously angry at the judges? J-Lo and Randy ripped a vastly superior performance by Haley (Michael Jackson’s top-selling hit in the UK, by the way). It’s not my favorite MJ song, but I loved the performance. I know you’re no fan of Haley’s, Beth, and that’s okay. Jennifer and Randy are absorbing every ounce of my ire tonight. And maybe a couch cushion or two.

Luckily for Haley, Adam and I both love Michael Jackson. I wonder if she knows this information? Do you think she’s reading our emails, trying to get on our good side? Anyway. I ADORE, LOVE, WANT TO KISS this song. When Michael sings it. Not that I think Haley did a poor job, but she sounds like she’s crying during the first part and then turns into the throat-singing. There was much too much throat-singing. Overall, I didn’t hate it.

I’m glad Steven is a good judge tonight.

Scotty is up next. I’m not sure what song he’s singing but I know it’s by Alan Jackson. Oh, Scotty, he sounds so nice and country. And this song is so dramatic and sad and does a good job roping us into the emotion he’s feeling but dammit all, Scotty. COWBOY. HAT.  He sounded good. Maybe a little safe. But good. No real complaints. So wait? Scotty was seven on September 11, 2001. whoa.

Adam: We’re down to the final 5 contestants, but lest we think we could kick our feet up and lounge through a nice and easy night, Beth, Idol is doubling up the performances for another 90 minutes of Seacrest-led fun. Jennifer seems to think it will be a Alabama wedding from 1988, by the way, but the look works for her. One quick note: these people better bring it. I’m not happy about Casey leaving, but all in all, I don’t think anyone has distinguished themselves as deserving of the title. So tell me, Beth, do you think as I do that if Casey James was in this year’s competition that he would win the whole thing?

I am pretty annoyed that Casey was voted off, I think he should have won, but now my biggest goal is making sure Jacob and Haley DO NOT WIN. But mostly Jacob. Can he be voted off every week? That would be awesome.

Adam: James Durbin starts off with a 30 Seconds to Mars song, his current selection (a ’60s song will follow). I thought it was pretty shaky, just not the powerhouse vocal I’m used to hearing from James. I don’t get it. I think he could do better, but you know what? He should have. This isn’t a performance I will remember. Unless I’m trying really hard to remember what it’s like to be disappointed.

I like James pretty okay, although, I’m getting pretty tired of his metal pushing and also, his voice got lost with the background singing a few times. It was a safe song. I’m not totally impressed.

Jacob is up next. Sometimes I picture the rare person who doesn’t watch Idol turning to the show, accidentally. I did for this performance and I envisioned this poor person seeing Jacob on stage and cringing and yelling at the TV, “who the hell is that? and why is there so much smoke?” And then finding out that this was American Idol and never watching Idol again. I am sorry but that was the pitchiest song I have EVER heard on Idol. Wow. And he is not a very good dancer.

Adam: It’s always weird to me when someone sings a duet all alone. This performance? So not the exception. Jacob sounded awful. Though, to be fair, I don’t know how we can expect Jacob to sing with no air. (Also, Jacob, please don’t . . . touch yourself anymore on stage, k? Gracias.)

Lauren right now is the contestant I’m expecting the most from. I want tonight to be her Jordin Sparks Broken Wing moment. Hopefully her second song gives her that chance, because this one? Total ugh-a-thon. Apparently there’s still no air up on the stage, because Lauren seemed like she was gasping through that Carrie Underwood number. The judges heard a different song than I did. I like her, and I liked her voice, but the song, fast-paced as it was, just bored me rapidly.

Wow, Adam. I actually disagree with you on this one. I felt Lauren’s performance was nice and lively. I definitely saw some Carrie Underwood in her – which is a very good thing. I liked this performance and she looked beautiful.

Scotty McCreery is taking the stage. I have to tell you that when he was in the final two last week, I thought, “no, he needs to keep going.” I’m a fan of his. It’s official. And when he puts on a cowboy hat? FORGET ABOUT IT. I loved this performance. It was fun, not a safe choice, at all. I could totally see him in concert. But he must, must, must stop with the crazy-eyed faces. LOVED THIS PERFORMANCE.

Adam: I loved Scotty running off the stage and into the judges circle. That was cool. His stage presence has made a quantum leap from where he was at the beginning of this season. But that song kinda bored the crap out of me. I didn’t hate it. I just felt like, eh, that was kind of fun, for a high school talent show. But I don’t even know if it deserved to win a high school talent show. Make it memorable, people! Sorry.

Haley singing new Lady Gaga? That’s a bold move by the spider woman. From the opening note, this performance was ten times better than the outfit (and I’m not vehemently opposed to the outfit). I wasn’t wild about the way the song ended with a bunch of yeah-yeah’s and repetition, but for the most part, I think Haley showed off her maturity and massive pipes. The judges are sharing Steven Tyler’s $23 million worth of blow. Haley rocked. She’s this year’s Alison Iraheta.

Adam, have you and I ever disagreed so much? Jimmy offered Haley some pretty bad advice to Haley. Which is okay with me because I want her to disappear. The good news is that while she sang, I ate a bowl of triple chocolate peanut butter ice cream that was so good it almost killed me.

So, James Durbin is up for round two, he patted down his hair, took off his motorcycle jacket and is now Josh Grobin on stage. Weird. The beginning of this song started rough, very flat. And then he missed a few notes and then his voice cracked and well, I basically wanted to stab this performance. There’s a lot of crying going on this year. And not just by me sitting on my couch wishing these people would hurry up. But by the performers. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Adam: Ha, I loved this performance like crazy. I liked it even more than the version Moroccan and Monroe’s mom did. I don’t like the melodramatic posturing in the production and even James’ comments afterward, but I loved the emotion during the song. I even thought his power note was one of the most controlled he’s delivered all season. Amazing. Now I’m taking him seriously as a contender.

So James sent the sappy, tear-filled ballad and Jacob breaks out the Nazareth power ballad? Okay. Let’s see what happens.Oh, look! It’s Jacob making a caricature of himself! I think it’s about time someone lets Jacob in on the joke that is his American Idol career. It’s not the amazing thrill ride he thinks it is.

Oh, Adam. I’m so happy to be in agreement with you, once again. Yes. Jacob has a good voice. Yes. He sings with emotion. But it’s the tone of his voice that I can’t stand. I do not think he’s one of the best singers to step foot on the Idol stage and whoever is voting for him, please stop.

Lauren is singing Unchained Melody, I like this song but it’s so overdone. I’m interested to hear how/if she can change it up. Vocally, she sounded good. But she played it so safe in the end. She definitely could have hit some power notes in the end but she chose not to, which disappoints me.

Adam: Beth, I totally and completely agree. I felt like Lauren took us all out to dinner, laughed at our jokes, batted her eyelashes, told us her dreams, looked deeply into our eyes, took us right to her door, and then . . . gave us a peck on our collective cheek and closed the door in our faces. Uh, good night, Lauren. I had a swell time.

Elvis Presley? Willie Nelson? Scotty McCreery. You Were Always on My Mind was the perfect song choice, if for no other reason than that he wasn’t tempted to make crazy eyes at us. I’m tempted to say it wasn’t as powerful as I wanted it to be, but I think that’s just because I turned the volume down to keep from waking up my 7 year old again.

I very much enjoyed Scotty’s performance. I didn’t realize how much until about half way through I realized that I was listening, intently, watching, completely. That’s a pretty good sign. Usually, within the first 20 seconds, I’m dreaming of sitting in a bucket of nachos. But not this time.

Haley sang The House of the Rising Sun. I had a feeling, during the a cappella moments, that she would get a standing O from the judges tonight. She did a really nice job, which is hard for me to admit because well, it’s Haley. But I can’t deny it. But here’s the thing, she needed this performance after that first one. So basically she’s back at zero.

Adam: If you’d like to download any of tonight’s performances from iTunes, all royalties will go to Haley. BECAUSE SHE OWNS. I’m gonna go vote now.

Because I want to be voted off, I’m going to say Haley will be going home this week.

Adam says: Jacob. And if it’s not Jacob, it had better be Jacob..

Alright, Adam. So, I’ve just watched the first five minutes and here’s the lowdown: Carole King sings more good songs than I had given her credit for, the show is 90 minutes tonight which is perplexing considering, you know, less people. it’s also disturbing considering how heavy my eyelids are and Babyface is helping to mentor tonight. Oh and last but not least, if you look at Jacob’s outfit, stand up and sit down, you will become nauseous. You have been warned.

Adam: I’m excited. I love Carole King and Babyface (although I love their songs much more than I love either of their voices, sorry, Carole and Kenny). And thanks for the warning. When Jacob comes on screen, I’ll just find a safe place in my living room I can avert my eyes toward.

So, I’m watching Jacob and he’s singing a song about a baby and I’m really, honestly realizing that I do not enjoy his voice OR his outfit tonight. I do appreciate that he’s moving on stage and he’s not singing an inspirational song, which is an improvement. Adam, I have two questions for you. Do you see a place for Jacob in today’s Top 40? And the second question, if I paid you $35, would you wear that outfit? Okay, one more question, Is J-Lo wearing a shield tonight?

Adam: For $35, I would wear that outfit for 35 seconds, and I’d keep wearing it for additional seconds as long as the dollars kept coming. But I don’t see the dollars coming to anyone wearing that suit not named Jack Nicholson (who got paid millions to wear that exact thing in Batman). I don’t see Jacob as a Top 40 artist, but I think he’ll sell enough records in some genre to afford a wardrobe stylist. His voice? All syrup and no waffles. Also, J-Lo has a Peggy Fleming thing going tonight. I eagerly await her next triple lutz.

Lauren is singing Where You Lead. I didn’t know the last song and I don’t know this one, but it doesn’t really matter because Lauren is owning it tonight. She got some great advice from Babyface (and Miley, ZOMG!) and really asserted herself. And then she grabbed some dude from the audience and had him sit awkwardly on stage. What the huh?

Wow, Lauren is wearing silver plated fly-swatters! Southern girl is stepping up these days! I did think the performance was a little boring but I really enjoyed her voice tonight. Also, her stage presence isn’t the most comfortable I have ever seen. Child needs to relax.

So, to ensure Idol makes enough money with commercials, they’ve decide to add duets. The first duet performance is Casey and Haley singing “I Feel the Earth Move Under my Feet.” I enjoyed the performance. It was very growly. Lively. Fun.

Adam: Okay, Beth? How cute are Casey and Haley? Seriously, how cute? On a scale of bunny rabbit to Justin Timberlake, how cute are they?

Adam, few things are as cute as Justin, so definitely closer to bunny rabbit.

Adam: Scotty’s singing You’ve Got a Friend, made famous by the Muppets. (I was willing to swear on a cowboy hat he’d sing Country Road.) But no, he sang the Sam Hill out of a song I love, and Beth? It was the first time I really took him seriously as a singer and a man (my wife got the chills and gasped audibly at one point). I’m so glad Babyface coached him on this one. Solid gold, Scotty. Solid gold.

I enjoyed this performance, too. Our little Scotty is growing up right before our eyes. *sniff*

James Durbin is up next, he’s singing Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow and I do hope he doesn’t do the Adam Lambert screech because I just don’t enjoy that noise. Just a few things: I did notice a few pitch issues, however, his voice really is amazing and also, he seems so happy up on stage. I love that his happiness comes across when he’s up there. I equate this to Eddie Vedder covering Last Kiss but not quite as good. But still good.

Adam: Spot-on Pearl Jam comparison there, Beth. The beginning really blew me away, and I kind of wish he had lost the doo-wop feel of the song. I wish he had done with this song what U2 did with Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). But still, he definitely earned his spot in the Top 5 with that performance. I was proud of James tonight.

Scotty and Lauren’s Up on the Roof makes me wish I was up on the roof of a cabin in the Smoky Mountains watching shooting stars and chewing beef jerky. They’re pretty wonderful together.

aw, that’s a dern nice thought, there, Adam. I’d like to join you, ‘cept, I’ll pass on that there beef jerky. I’ll eat ice cream, instead, sonny.

My friend, Casey, is up next. I missed what song he’s singing because I was busy yawning. But I’m hoping Casey takes my yawns away. He typically does. That sexy sax lady is back on, would you believe she’s a cousin to someone I went to grade school with? I learned that on Facebook. Social Media is good for you, see? Anyway, I enjoyed the performance, loved the arrangement, I really love his tie. I hope America is in agreement with me.

Adam: I don’t know if I can speak for America, but I’m in agreement with you. There was one point in the song (maybe right after he threw his hat in an outburst of growly rage) that I laughed, but it was a laugh of joy. I just really had fun listening to that. Casey bubbles over with fun. Also? His voice is pretty amazing, and I loved how he interacted with the musicians, especially the piano playing at the beginning.

Haley sang another song I’m not familiar with, but I really dug it. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter, and I actually loved her little Farrah Fawcetty look. I think she’s got soul, and of all the contestants she has improved the most over the course of the show. Overall, I’m so pleased with tonight. Also, I think Jennifer is dressed up as a wedding invitation. It’s been bugging me all night.

I have to say that I enjoyed her performance and her look tonight. I agree that she’s improved a lot, which is good because she needed it. heh.

Jacob and James are singing a duet tonight, they’re both wearing white pants and singing “Something Tells Me I’m into Something Good.” But something about this performance is not good and I think it’s all of it. Either that or I’m sleepy and my ice cream has worn off.

Adam: Notes, notes, weirdness, notes, white pants, notes, JENNIFER LOPEZ’S LEGS, more notes, and then I lost interest.

Who’s going home?

Beth says Jacob.

Adam says: I think Jacob should go home, but I fear a surprise. I’ll say Lauren in a shocker

Who do you guys think will go home? And who do you hope wins?