Where, where, where did my babies go?
Who are these children? As babies they were so beautiful and cute, but as children they are kind and magnificent and interesting and loving. (AND beautiful and cute!)
As each year goes by I fall deeper and deeper in love with these two people who have graced us with their presence.
We are so blessed to be their parents. I’m pretty sure my heart WILL explode by the time they are ten. And that’s okay with me.
Just now, before going back to his room for quiet time for me him, Racecar leans over me, while I’m sitting in my chair and says "Hey! Your belly is getting bigger!"
Yes. You heard that right, my son noticed my belly is getting better.
Trying not to be offended, I respond "you think so?"
"Yes! Are the babies back in your belly?" he asks.
"No they are not." I respond.
"They are in heaven with God?" he says.
"Yes."
"Why did God take them?"
"Because they died, honey."
"Why did they die? Why did God want them?"
At this point in the conversation, I wonder how I am supposed to not say to him, "I have no freaking idea why GOD took my babies from me. Maybe it’s because I called that truck driver an asshole last year, maybe it’s to teach me something HUGE AND WONDERFUL AND HOLY, I have no freaking idea."
But c’mon, this boy is four, I can’t respond that way and honestly when I do respond, I sound so phony it makes ME sick. I mean, what am I supposed to say? Tell him some bullshit story about God wanting them with him and not knowing why and that we should just accept it? That they are in a better place? Do I believe that they are in a better place? HELL.NO. Sorry. I don’t.
And he says something about his brothers and he puts him arm around my neck and says "I got you, Mama." Which is what this child says to me when I cry (even though I wasn’t crying this time, he knows I do sometimes when discussing James and Jake.) He says "I got you, Mama." and he always knows the right time to say it.
Which is why it seems so unfair to him that last week, while taking him to the bathroom in the middle of the night, (something I do before going to bed at night), I picked him up and carried this tired, limp boy in my arms into the bathroom. I go to set him down and put him directly into the toilet.
I laughed so hard I thought I was going to die.
Back to Racecar thinking I’m pregnant. Wow. Ouch. I wonder at what point I’ll quit being disgusted with myself and start doing something about it.
Oh and this morning, while trying on a shirt in the dressing with Ariel at Kohl’s, I put a shirt on and she says "Mommy, that shirt is so pretty, take off your glasses so you can be pretty, too."
I guess I’ll stick to contacts. And spanx.
If you’ve come here looking for a post about how sad I am today, I’m afraid you will have to search the archives from the past two weeks to find what you are looking for. Today, for the third day in a row, the sun in shining and I have to believe it is having a positive effect on me. Between the not so cold weather, time, my house being disgustingly clean, the sun, the support of all of you, my friends and my family and quite honestly, my pal, Prozac, today feels better.
Even though Brian went back to work today and even though Racecar did not go to school today because he has a fever, TODAY, or at least RIGHT NOW, things feel good and I want to roll around in the goodness.
So, I’m going to show you some pictures and take you through some happy things. I think we all deserve that. Don’t you?
This is a picture taken this morning of the kids in our bed, watching
TV. Between the kids and the stuffed animals, you can see there is
limited room for Mom. So, up I went to make coffee and take pictures.
Little did you know, last weekend we traveled to Louisville for one night to visit my sister and her family. It was her son’s third birthday, so we wanted to celebrate with him and we did. Throughout this entire ordeal of losing James and Jake, my sister has been a solid rock for me to lean on. She has gone out of her way to do incredible things for us and these two quilts are the perfect example of what kind of person she is. She and another angel of a woman, worked on these two precious items that I love with all of my heart and soul. My sister (Sarah) stayed up late and worked so hard to get these done before our visit and somehow she did. They are made up of various meaningful fabrics, the stripe fabric is from one of Racecar’s shirts when he was a baby and another fabric is from one of Ariel’s sleepers that she wore. I wish you could feel how soft these are or smell them, they smell so good. I have been sleeping with them each night.
I love them, when I look at them I think about so many things, but mostly I think about the thoughtfulness and generosity of my sister.
This is my sister’s daughter. She’s so fun and so pretty.
This is a necklace that Brian and I ordered for me, I love to wear this necklace, it’s so special to me. It’s from Planetjill, I love the quality and it shipped quickly.
Here are some pictures of Racecar taken this morning. This is Racecar with a fever. Can you imagine him without a fever? He’s an amazing child.
And finally, our Ariel. Our warm, loving and caring Ariel. She had her kindergarten physical yesterday, it’s hard to believe she’s so old. She’s such a special little girl.
My parents, oh my parents have been so good to us. They have been coming over every night after work and having dinner with us, they have been playing with the kids and bringing over my favorite Coldstone Creamery ice cream, they’ve just been here for us. We are so grateful for them and the time they have been spending with us. I don’t think they’ll ever know how much it has helped us cope.
And finally, if I could take a picture of all of you, with your prayers and your positive thoughts and your comments, I would, of every single one of you. I just hope my words can paint a vivid enough picture for you of how amazing I think you all are. Thank you for caring and understanding and for sending your love. I can feel it. From each and everyone of you.
Once upon a time, there lived two bookshelves tucked inside two preschooler’s closets that were FILLED NEATLY with books.
And then one dark day, the bookshelves were empty.
And there were piles of books all over the house.
The piles looked like this:
The "maid" of the house, her name is "Mommy", was deeply disturbed by the piles of books all over her home because she had just tucked them NEATLY on their bookshelves five days before.
So, to make herself feel better she bought these:
And the husband of the house, we’ll call him "Awesome", served Mommy a Devils Food Ice Cream Donut on top of a massive dainty pile of soft chocolate ice cream.
And pretty soon she forgot about the piles of books everywhere and they lived happily ever after.
The End.
