DANGIT.

And then, this morning, Anna was hugging me and asked me if I had a baby in my belly.

DANGIT.

I’m hoping this next week will be a bit better.  I have our meals planned out and shopped for which means no quick trips to Taco Bell.

DANGIT.

I have to run out the door for a newborn shoot with Megan’s baby, (she had her baby!)  I’m leaving Elijah for the longest I’ve ever left him which is leaving my heart feeling sad and confused.

So, I figured I should post a picture of him.  Don’t you think?

My friend, Keli, made this blanket for Eli.  I love it so bad.

I’m kidding!  I would never do that.

Or would I?

We hoped and prayed that everything would be safe, that our baby would be healthy.

I’m so thankful we had that hope.

Because he is more amazing than we could have ever dreamed.

{images from Eli’s first photo shoot with Mama, he is such a good little model, don’t you think?}

We played.

We sneezed.

We pooped twice.  Well, not “we,” just “he.”

We watched the ceiling fan.  (it’s Eli’s favorite show.)

And we wondered why Mom always held a camera up to her face.

And while he was so busy being big and watching me be silly using my high-pitched voice and saying “Mommy Loves You,” over and over and over again,

I couldn’t believe two things.

One, that this is the same baby as last Monday.

and two, that I could ever, ever be so lucky to be his Mama.

I’m sipping my coffee, which is cold and eating S’mores Pop Tarts.  They are so good but I am joining Weight Watchers soon so the S’mores Pop Tarts are making a brief (and delicious) appearance in my life right now.

The week has improved.  Compared to last week, I’d say this week is 60% better which says A LOT.  My biggest frustration comes when I am nursing because he’s so hungry and gets so frustrated so easily, so what should be a pleasant nursing session turns into crying and screaming and clawing.

Eli cries, too.

This was happening before but not during every feeding  but now it’s damn near every feeding.

It’s frustrating.  REALLY.  We have a follow up appointment with the lactation consultant this morning (which is why this is the quick edition), I’m scared and excited to see how Eli and I have done this week.

Team James and Jake is walking in the March of Dimes March for Babies tomorrow.  I’m pretty excited about this event simply because it’s the only time of year where family and friends gather to show their love for James and Jake.  I can’t believe it’s been over two years since we lost them.  Seems like yesterday.  Then again, seems like a lifetime ago.

I wish tomorrow would be just another Saturday with two twin boys running around our house and a newborn hanging out, too, while Anna and Noah run and play outside.   To me, that is the most  beautiful image, it’s my dream, my dream that will never come true.

So, instead, I’ll take tomorrow and all of the beauty and meaning that comes along with it.  I’ll take it and love it with all of my heart and soul.

We haven’t reached our team goal, yet, which is okay, of course, I just wish we could raise more money for MORE research because how precious are our babies?

I’m wondering if you could give up one Starbucks coffee, one quarter pounder, anything, something small and donate to my walk?

I figured out that if a QUARTER of my visitors just donated FIVE DOLLARS TODAY … I would raise $2,000.  Five dollars, that’s it.

Anyway, if you can, THANK YOU, your generosity means so much to me.

And to those who have already donated – THANK YOU SO MUCH!  You amaze me!  (don’t forget, if you donate $50 or more, you’ll receive a Team James and Jake key chain!)

It’s supposed to rain tomorrow during the six mile walk, which excites Anna to no end.

Finally, today is the last day that Brian will be home with me during the day.  I realize how lucky I am that I have this great helper here during the day and for this long.  He’s been home for four weeks, the last two weeks he’s been working from home.  I know I’ll be okay but I have no idea how I’m going to swing the mornings getting Anna and Noah ready for school and, most likely, nursing Eli during that time.  It’s going to be a challenge but I will manage.  And secretly, I’m a little excited about it.

I’m hoping Eli and I will drop the kids off and come home and do lots of this:

That would be make me a very, very happy Mama.

Happy Friday, friends.

My appointment with my lactation consultant yesterday was so enlightening – we may have an answer to what is going on with Elijah.

He’s hungry.  Very hungry.  And my milk supply seems to be a little low, even though he’s gaining and filling his diapers properly, he’s still just a hungry boy, which also equals an angry boy.

So, the plan?  Increase my supply by taking supplements (fenugreek and blessed thistle), pump after each nursing session for ten minutes during the next 48 hours, give a supplement to Elijah of breastmilk or formula, when we feel it’s necessary and perform breast compressions while nursing.

What does this mean?  All boobs, all the time.

But what does this really mean?

We are starting to see a boy who doesn’t cry whenever he’s awake.  It’s a beautiful thing, we like what we see.

I know this may not be THE ANSWER, but it’s a great start.

And all of you amazing people who left me a comment, e-mailed me, tweeted me, etc, I wish I could respond, I wish I had the time to respond but I just don’t.  But I swear to you, I have read EVERY SINGLE WORD that’s been sent my way.  I appreciate your love and your support way more than you will ever, ever imagine.

You make me sleep better at night, knowing you are behind me.  And Elijah helped me sleep better last night when he slept the longest stretch he has slept so far.

So far today?  IT IS GOOD.

But then.

I came home from the hospital and I was tired.

My body hurt from the c-section.

and I was tired.  and then I was REALLY tired.

I’m sad that I’ve missed the first two weeks of taking pictures of my sweet little newborn, but that’s okay … I’ve got a lifetime ahead of me to make up for it.

This wonderful orange set was made by Stephanie.  I love it.  I think Eli loves, too.

But see who I got to look at all day?  He’s mine.

And I love him.