I’m not sure how it happens, but we always forget how busy the newborn phase is. The nonstop nursing, the desire to always hold the baby, the endless diapers, the piles of laundry containing 700 little pieces of clothing … there’s just not much time for anything else.

And then you factor in a demanding 19 month old. One who likes to be involved in everything single thing you do, from nursing to changing diapers to doing the laundry. (and undoing the folded laundry you just so neatly folded into beautiful little pink piles.)

And when he’s not involved in you and the baby, he’s involved in climbing on the kitchen table, playing in the toilet, typing on Dad’s computer, drawing on the walls with marker …

And then this toddler gets sick and won’t eat or drink and just cries. And cries. He sometimes doesn’t cry because he then just screams. And screeches.

In the midst of all this, Mommy gets mastitis. The worst ever with two days of high fevers, her entire breast is bright pink and it takes days to get better.

And this same Mommy? She took a two week maternity leave from work. So between all of this? She’s working. (or trying to, at least.)

And then there are two older kids. These two are pretty low maintenance, they get their own water and there are no diapers to change, they have homework and are always wanting to turn Blue’s Clues off which is the very thing that is saving their Mom’s sanity because it makes the toddler stop SCREEEECHING.

And then sometimes, right before bed, or early on a weekend, we all sit, peacefully, on the couch, just being a family.

Every morning, I wake up (reluctantly, of course) and I plan a few things that I’d like to complete for the day. On the list is always “write a post” and that’s the one thing that always gets tossed out because, well, obviously the hungry, hungry baby and the very climby toddler and our world of everything else becomes way more important. And well, it is.

I often find myself wondering how these other moms do it. How they can seem to have it all together with their clean clothes and flat bellies and clean children, their tidied homes, their shaved legs (I’m assuming) and they continue to post on their blogs as if they have a team of people helping them get through each day.

And here I sit, struggling to, not do it all, but to do maybe half of it all and I just can’t.

And all of this while Brian has been home this entire time and goes back to work TOMORROW.

(LORD HELP ME.)

So, honestly, these days, I’m doing what I can, I’m remembering how difficult these days are but also how fleeting they are. Soon, Clara will be the one on the table and tossing the laundry while Eli is away at preschool and the big kids are bigger and drifting further away no matter how hard I try to grasp at them to stay closer to their Mama.

So, I’m here. Living. Waiting. Hoping, Praying.

Surviving. All while being surrounded by these people.

These beautiful, important people.

I’ll be back with, like, words and stuff soon. I have so much to tell you, like, how I’m sleeping better than I have in months. or how Eli grew 12 inches in the past two weeks. or how much Anna loves being a big sister to a little sister. or how Noah acts like Clara has been in our family for years.

So, basically, I’ll come back and tell you that my kids are awesome, THE END.

I actually just finished eating a bowl of grapes and bananas. It was SO GOOD. I have a love affair with red grapes, they can’t be the least bit soft, I want them crunchy and not too sweet. Right now, they are perfect, I love them.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant. The baby will be born during my 38th week.

My body is tired. I’m crampy and pretty much grouchy 55% of the time.

I’m still attending physical therapy.

I still can’t pick Eli up.

Next week Eli turns 18 months old.

He’s giant and fun and really feisty and a super good helper. He’s extra cute and sometimes just likes to snuggle with Mama but mostly likes to play cars and do laundry.

In a few minutes, I’m leaving for a pedicure and a necessary *ahem* waxing on a region that I haven’t seen in a very, very, very long time.

The baby’s room is so close to being finished that some people would consider it finished but I do not.

I’m still scared out of my mind that something bad is going to happen to this pregnancy.

I’m not scared to have four kids.

I am scared to see how Eli reacts to this new baby taking up his attention.

But right now? I’m mostly scared about the upcoming waxing.

Happy Friday, friends.

While taking the photos, I’ll be honest, I noticed these minor imperfections and I was all “I’m 35 weeks pregnant, I DO NOT CARE.”

And then I downloaded the pictures and yes, I care.

Very, very much.

So, to backtrack, for all of their lives, Anna and Noah have had their own rooms. We have a four bedroom house. We are about to have our fourth child. Some of the children were bound to share, so we decided to give Anna and Noah “the life experience” (heh) of sharing a room. When we approached them with this idea, they were all “uh, no thanks. But the offer, you know, is appreciated.” And then I said the magic words: BUNK BEDS.

And they agreed. Happily.

The trick for me was creating a space that was gender neutral BUT NOT BROWN.

This was part of the room before:

This is basically the same section, after:

I found the room color on Pinterest, this was my inspiration.

I downloaded the photo to my iPhone and used the Sherwin Williams app (free!) for color matching. It was right on.

The color is called Supreme Green. It’s like a light shade of mint chocolate chip ice cream (minus the chocolate chips.) It’s perfect.

Here’s another shot, of the other side of the room:

The bird artwork above the dresser and the shelves was a project the kids and I did. I had an idea of what we could do and to watch it come to life on one beautiful Sunday afternoon with my two kids was awesome. We had a lot of fun doing it and they are SO proud of the finished project.

Here’s a peek of the during process of that project:

And you know, WE LOVE BIRDS in this house, so it was perfect for all of us.

So, there you have it. A bunch of peeks. Just for you.

Maybe someday I’ll get that top bunk made properly and move the fan and then re-clean their room and take after shots one more time which means I should have the grand reveal for you in about two years.

Just giving you something to look forward to.

This is my brother, Dan with my Mom at one of our favorite restaurants. He’s a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and was in Iraq (his fifth tour overseas) until this past March. This visit he was also able to meet Eli for the first time.

As some of you know, I have five brothers and sisters and love that I am able to photograph their families when they come to visit. (or I go to visit them.) Dan’s oldest son is entering his senior year in high school. Now, I’ve asked almost all of my nieces and nephews to please, please, please stop growing up and they all say “okay, Aunt Beth” or “okay, Aunt Ba,” as the younger ones call me.

But they never listen.

On our way back from the restaurant, we stopped very quickly at a cute little location to snap of few shots of Grant for his senior portraits. It was a lot of fun. Especially with Dan around. He always makes everything a little bit happier.

He was also good to have around to help Grant with his hair. (which was helpful because obviously Grant has a TON of hair.)

We managed to get a few good shots.

Here’s a pull back of the above shot:

After taking this photo, he said “no one will ever believe I was really batting. I’m not left-handed.“

And occasionally, I’d be taking a shot of Grant and I’d hear “Beth, take a picture!” and I’d turn and find this:

He reminded me how immobile I am, being in the middle of my seventh month of pregnancy. (jumping on box cars is most certainly not an option)

But, in his own way, he reminded me how important it is to lighten up and have fun.

He’s such a wise fellow.

I guess it’s okay.

Despite being emotional and lonely, I still have really great moments in my life and am surrounded by many things that I love.

Like my belly. I’ll be 29 weeks tomorrow. Today, we scheduled her birthday. I begin weekly NSTs tomorrow. In August, we give her a bedroom.

I think it’s funny that my belly looks like a dunce cap in this photo. I’m pretty sure it’s because of the corner of the house. But I suppose it really does look like this.

I love my zinnias in the front of my home. They’ve exploded into giant yellow and green balls. Anna and I planted them in late May, early June. They were so tiny. I actually wanted to plant five but they only had enough for three.  The purple flower in front was a surprise return from last year. I thought I had pulled them out but they eased their way back into our garden. I love how they accent the zinnia and the sidewalk.

Today, I needed to disconnect, so I packed up lunches and the kids and we went to the park. Such a perfect day for it.

Towards the end, when I was getting really tired, I asked the kids to sit on the bench. I finally got Eli to sit perfectly for me and saw that Anna was making ridiculous faces at the camera.

Lest you think I am always calm. I placed my lens cap on my camera, picked Eli up, put him in the stroller and said “let’s go.”

And we did. I’m still so frustrated that my oldest child ruined such a great photo but I look at it and I have to admit, I do love all of their faces in this photo. But still. ANGRY MAMA.

I’ve been making headbands.

Because of my newborn sessions, I spend a lot of money on Etsy, particularly on headbands, sometimes I’d spend $50 a month on headbands alone. OUCH.

I decided to try making them on my own and guess what? I spent about $60 on supplies and have made about 15 headbands so far with plenty of supplies left over.

I made these two for my neighbor’s newborn. (who happens to have a head FULL of shiny black hair.)

I’m no expert and that’s totally okay with me. It’s a great creative outlet. I’ll be editing photos and stand up, walk into the kitchen and just make a headband. Literally takes minutes. Sometimes I make them while Eli plays with bowls and spoons while, literally, sitting on my feet. It’s enjoyable.

Speaking of Eli:

He’s very busy these days, as you can see.

He’s grown up so quickly and cries so hard when Mommy or Daddy leave the house. His kisses are adorable and he loves carrots more than any other food in the world. He is such a sweetheart.

I guess that’s all I have for you. I did post images from a recent newborn session here, feel free to check it out.

And don’t worry about the first paragraph, I really am okay, I’ve just been uninspired to post here and I wanted to let you know exactly why.

How. Is. This. Possible?

This morning, Anna, Noah and I took Eli to his 15 month appointment and they were all like “climbing! running! eating! independence!” And I was like but “he’s so tiny and my baby, leave us alone.”

Except they’re not lying. Even just these past few weeks he’s grown so much. He really is climbing and exploring and not wanting help from anyone. He wants to jump in the baby pool, unassisted, and share popsicles with his siblings and throw balls and push toys rather than be pushed in them.

He even started drinking beers with his little cousin. (although, we’ll need to refine his choice in beer, it’s a work in progress.)

He looks at you with wonder and throws his arms straight up in the air when he wants you to pick him up. He loves his Mama and his Daddy and he adores his big siblings, too. When you ask him where “the baby” is? He lifts my shirt and sticks his finger in my belly button which I find completely disturbing so when I do ask him, I hold my shirt down as best I can.

His eyes are spectacular and his skin is so soft and his thighs are so wonderfully chunky.

He loves adventure and shows no fear which I love and also fear.

I think we’re in trouble because when Brian and I are together with Eli, we just let him do whatever he wants and we think whatever he does is just incredibly cute. No matter what it is. On Sunday, he opened the dryer and took some clothes out and placed them in the washer, shut the washer door and began pressing buttons. “LOOK, BRIAN! He’s doing laundry!” And we laughed and our eyes sparkled at his cuteness and then reality hit us and we were like “we mean, no, no, Eli.”

We are wrapped around his tiny little fingers.

Today, when the three of us and my giant belly were walking out of the doctor’s building, the older volunteer woman said “you remind me of me when I was younger. I had four children and I was so happy.” I love that my happiness shined through. I replied, truthfully, that I could absolutely not wait to be a Mom of four.

“Enjoy them, as you’re doing. Mine are all gone now.”

In just three months, his little sister will join us and then all of a sudden I’ll be writing about her climbing and eating and her growing up before our eyes and it will still feel as wonderful and amazing as it does today because that is the wonder and beauty of being a parent.

The hardest, best job in the entire world.

I don’t know.

So much has happened over the past 8 days, beginning with Sam’s passing. Two other people who impacted our family passed away, as well. I’ve been working non-stop, Eli has been so sick or cutting teeth or something that’s causing him to only cry – not eat or sleep, just cry.

I dare not complain.

In fact, I lay in bed at night and think about the sweetness that occurred in my day. The people I was able to meet and hug last week, my children, who knew Samantha, being extra sensitive and so very sweet to their Mama and my husband doing everything he can to help me and the family and even Samantha’s family. Anna hasn’t really left my side since last week. Even when I nap, she “naps,” too by sitting on my bed and reading a book or coloring. I fall asleep to the sound of her crayons hitting the bottom of the container and the sound of choosing another color. The type of sound that can lead you directly to your childhood.

I think I’m just living in fear right now. As if last week God reminded me to not get too comfortable. A big booming voice in my head that said “I’ve taken away before…” And then I remember where we’ve gone these past few years, how far we’ve come and how quickly it can disappear again. Emotionally, I’m holding on tighter but emotionally I am so scared of the unimaginable happening.

I’m okay, I promise you. And my orange juice is working, so now I’m feeling even a little bit better.

There’s a lot of darkness but also a lot of light. I’m doing what I can do focus on the light.

Apparently, I really can’t do everything. Who knew?

So, before we head back home, how ’bout some photos from this weekend?

Here are the four older cousins!

Anna and I – my belly at 22 weeks.

And all of the kids. Can you believe they belong to us?!

And then we had a fun little naked bootie session. Can you believe how gigantic Eli and Trey are?

More to come.

Stop looking at Eli’s bootie.

After two minutes, I go to open up my laptop again and he turns his head. Knowing what is going to happen, I just close it on my own. This happens for so long that I finally give up and go take a shower.

So, now I’m showered and dressed, my hair is in rollers and I just gave Eli a bottle. Those words “I just gave Eli a bottle” are so foreign to me because I haven’t really had to do that with him. But since Tuesday, he won’t nurse anytime between 7am and 3pm. This is truth. I still try and try but he’s not interested. So, I’m giving him bottles and he takes them and is much happier after having one. In fact, right now? He is playing and leaving my laptop alone.

He’s teething, I’m pretty sure this is why the change, so I’m hoping he’ll go back, but if not, I’m so happy with our year of nursing. It was one of the biggest struggles of my life, but my goodness, it was completely worth it.

A few weeks ago, I showed you guys this photo and mentioned how the wall color inspired me to paint my walls. Well, I haven’t painted my walls, yet, but I will, don’t worry. I’m bringing this up because many of you asked for the wall color and many of you thought it was my dining room.

Well, I don’t know the wall color and also this is not my dining room, although, I do wish it was. This room belongs to Kelly Rae Roberts (one of my favorite artists. I wrote about her a few years ago after discovering her on Etsy, my love for her remains.) If you go to her blog, be prepared to become completely inspired to live a better life, to clean your home and to try something fun and artistic. She’s powerful that way.

If I ever find out the color, I’ll share it with you, I promise, I will.

I just laid Eli down for a nap and took my rollers out and applied makeup. I look so much like Diane Chambers right now that it’s eerie and I don’t mean her face, I mean her hair. Not really the look I was hoping to achieve but who am I kidding? My hair will be up in a ponytail in no time, so who cares, right?

Finally, we are leaving for Florida on Tuesday morning. We have so much to do before we leave but we are so excited to be taking this time for our family. Even though the weather here has shifted and it feels and smells like spring and my windows! are! open!, I just can’t wait to feel that hot sun on my shoulders and the cool water of the pool chill my body. There is nothing like it.

No agenda, just us.

While in Florida, I’ll be doing a photo session with one of my readers. This excites me so much. One, because I get to meet her and two because how cool that because of this blog, I am able to travel to another state and do a photo session? There’s a lot of happy coming up which makes waking up each morning very easy.

I hope you have much happy coming up, too.

Happy Friday, friends.