I just ate toast with strawberry jam. I’m drinking orange juice, not so much because it sounded good but because I would like to feel baby girl kick a bit more. She’s an unpredictable little babe, sometimes she kicks and punches like crazy, one time, I could feel her head, her punches and her kicks all at the same time and then other times, she’s so very quiet. I know much of the quiet has to do with how little I’ve been sitting or resting, which I’m hoping to change soon. These past 8 days have been busier than I could have imagined, which is good because once the kids are in bed and I’m finally sitting with a bowl of ice cream on my belly, sadness kicks in. I just start to feel nothing, maybe.

I don’t know.

So much has happened over the past 8 days, beginning with Sam’s passing. Two other people who impacted our family passed away, as well. I’ve been working non-stop, Eli has been so sick or cutting teeth or something that’s causing him to only cry – not eat or sleep, just cry.

I dare not complain.

In fact, I lay in bed at night and think about the sweetness that occurred in my day. The people I was able to meet and hug last week, my children, who knew Samantha, being extra sensitive and so very sweet to their Mama and my husband doing everything he can to help me and the family and even Samantha’s family. Anna hasn’t really left my side since last week. Even when I nap, she “naps,” too by sitting on my bed and reading a book or coloring. I fall asleep to the sound of her crayons hitting the bottom of the container and the sound of choosing another color. The type of sound that can lead you directly to your childhood.

I think I’m just living in fear right now. As if last week God reminded me to not get too comfortable. A big booming voice in my head that said “I’ve taken away before…” And then I remember where we’ve gone these past few years, how far we’ve come and how quickly it can disappear again. Emotionally, I’m holding on tighter but emotionally I am so scared of the unimaginable happening.

I’m okay, I promise you. And my orange juice is working, so now I’m feeling even a little bit better.

There’s a lot of darkness but also a lot of light. I’m doing what I can do focus on the light.

I’ve been around, relaxing with my family,  trying to plan for our trip, playing hundreds of games of Uno with Noah, nursing Eli, nursing a clogged duct and not really sleeping at night.

I’m so tired. I go to bed early, but then Eli wakes up at least three times a night. Last Thursday, we had seven interruptions during the night from the three kids and countless interruptions from Brian’s work. I woke up early for a newborn session in Chicago, was gone all day, attended a school function at night and collapsed on the couch after nine. I was running on negative energy. It was then that I realized I was dealing with a clogged duct. I knew I didn’t want mastitis, of course, so I did what I could to fight it. And I did.

I’ve been spending a lot of time dreaming about creative things, surrounding myself virtually with things I love without actually executing anything in real life. And of course, it goes without saying that I surrounded myself with family and that is such love but I love pretty things. I love clean things. I love to be inspired.

I dream about beds and white sheets and sleeping without interruption until the sunlight hits my face.

After waking up, I’m pretty sure I walk into the kitchen, where there are fresh flowers, cut from my garden, of course.

And my kitchen, with it’s ample natural light, not a crumb on the floor or a stain on the counter, the kitchen just waits for me to make coffee in it. Naturally, I’ll poor a cup for Brian. (the kids are still sleeping, obviously.)

Birds are chirping outside. Such a beautiful view, a beautiful sound.

We walk into the living room, coffee in hand. We sit in silence knowing that soon, our three babies will be joining us, begging us for Daddy’s famous pancakes. (I may have whispered in their ears the night before “be sure to ask for Daddy’s pancakes.” Because I love them just as much.)

I see birds outside and grab my camera, the flowers are blooming, I crack the window and can smell the sweet aroma. There is no ugly winter here. Nope. Not in my dreams.

That magnolia tree never fails to amaze me.

I hop into the shower after delicious pancakes and sweet hugs and play time with the family.

Spring puts me in the mood for my favorite bracelet. I go to my room and open my organized drawer, there it is. Not entangled with anything else, just waiting, peacefully, for me to place it on my wrist.

I walk into my office to download photos and to email a few clients. I promised to not work more than an hour today. (see where my assistant sits? She’s the best assistant ever.)

That promise to not work for long will be easy to keep since we plan to spend the whole day by the pool.

So, you see, it’s not that I haven’t been around, I’ve just been busy dreaming.

And not sleeping.

(all images found on Pinterest, of course.)