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Archive for Family – Page 4

Beautiful puzzle

March 1st, 2011

I’m home, sitting at my desk, Eli is sleeping, the kids in school, Brian at work.

Yesterday, I was in Nebraska with Eli and my Mom sitting in my sister’s living room, drinking coffee, Brian was home from work, Anna and Noah were both home from school because of sickness. In total, Noah missed six days of school and Anna missed two. Yesterday was so different; today so normal, almost ordinary.

The reality is, however, nothing really feels ordinary right now, no matter what motions I walk through today because my heart feels different.

It’s bigger, fuller, swollen, near explosion. This weekend as I attend my photography workshop, there was a lot of downtime which left me time to reflect on my life.

I thought about how I was able to attend the workshop, all of the people who surrounded me with support to make sure it happened, people to watch Eli while I was at the workshop, people to watch Anna and Noah while I was away, a husband to take care of them and clean the entire house and do laundry so I could come home and not play catch-up. A husband who not only financially supported this workshop but a husband who nudged me to go, who calmed by fears of not being good enough. My sister, who so willingly offered us her home to stay, who is so hilarious and such a bright light in this universe. My Mom who makes me believe I can do anything, who taught that to me very early on, one who helps out so much with Eli and well, with life. I have friends who offer me amazing support, those who never doubt my talents, those that encourage me to continue my quest to be among the best.

I’m simply in awe. Even by all of you. For years you have watched me with this, watch me ponder and make the decision, jump in and learn everything I could get my hands on. And right now, today, I feel launched. (I can’t find a better word to describe it.) Like, I’ve been propelled, even higher than I ever dreamed I’d be on this first day of March in 2011.

These people who surround me and love me, the family, my friends, my readers and me. It’s like we have come together and created this puzzle.

This beautiful, blessed, one-of-a-kind puzzle.

I’m just feeling so grateful for all of this.

This is just one of the many photos taken this weekend. (the props do not belong to me.)

Presently

February 22nd, 2011

I don’t often go there, to that place where my memories exist. This time of year it’s hard not to do just that. Three years ago I was blissfully pregnant with twin boys, so blessed, so grateful.

Four days later, I’d deliver them, stillborn and hold them in my arms and let go of them after spending a quiet night with them by my side.

So many dreams died during that time, yet so many dreams were born since then, too.

We all know this story of us, of them. I’ve told it so many times on this blog. There’s a new word on my mind, the words is presently.

I’m trying to figure out where I’m at presently. I feel great peace. I feel great love and passion. I still feel and see the signs that they send to us. Presently, I’m still paying attention and accepting them as they come to us. This past Sunday the mass intention was for our James and Jake. Coincidentally, just moments after saying their names, they played a song that Brian and I chose for their service.

Presently, I still miss them, the idea of them, I still wonder why, I still mourn that they never had the chance to live this great life, to feel the sun on their shoulders, to hear their siblings’ laughter, to taste the sweetness of a watermelon, the warmth of hot chocolate, to feel their Mama’s touch. But sometimes, I just think they’re part of the sun and their siblings’ laughter and every other beautiful thing that this life has to offer. So, maybe (hopefully) they’re not missing it at all.

This year, on February 26th, I won’t be by Brian’s side, I’ll be with Eli except I’ll be at photography workshop and he’ll be with my sister and my Mom. And rather than be surrounded by my family, oddly enough, I’ll be surrounded by sweet smelling, innocent little newborns. But this, this doesn’t add to my sadness. This fills me with great hope. What a tide I’ve turned that in three years, I’ve gone from great despair and loss to be able to witness the sweetness of life.

And to not only be able to witness it,

but I’ll be able to capture it.

Presently, I’m good. And even though that could change in a minute, in a day or in two weeks, I am so very grateful for the now and the goodness that resides in it.

Yes. This.

February 13th, 2011

A friend is hurting and it hurts me, too. I want to take away the pain, I want to grab it in my hands and sit on it, keeping it from heading into your heart. It doesn’t work that way.

I hate that it doesn’t work that way.

I’m reminded, again, how fragile life is. How one moment can be so delightful and beautiful and the next … just the opposite.

I think, the only thing I can really do, is cherish the delightful. Observe the beautiful. And be there, ready, for when she needs me.

love

My new favorite flower from my old favorite Valentine

oldish

my girl

much

so many favorite things in this photo

daddy's boy

He sparkles. (and his ready for his surgery tomorrow!)

stuff-I-love

favorite things on my desk

In my life

February 7th, 2011

At 12:01 this morning, Brian woke me up and whispered “happy birthday…”

At 4:30 this morning, I woke up to a crying ten month old. He was diagnosed with a double ear infection on Friday, so I was pretty happy to be able to comfort this sweet little baby in my Mama arms.

I changed his diaper and nursed him, laid him back down, fell asleep.

At 6:59 this morning, my kids cuddle in bed with Brian and I, it was such a sweet way to start my day.

I took a shower, got ready, came downstairs, found coffee and a muffin waiting for me and a compliment “you look so beautiful …”

Already, at 9:33 am, this birthday may be the best one ever.

Welcome, thirty-four, I’m happy to see you.