Adam: Well, I’m feeling a little out of place here in Week 2 (this season just started last week, yes?), because the top five is all female. For some reason that makes a difference. But I’ll man up, or girl up, or . . . I don’t know. I’ll just enjoy the show. Beth, are you ready for a diva battle?

Beth: hmmm…I can see where you’re coming from. Now, when you say diva battle, you mean between Mariah and Randy, right? The thing about singing songs from the year the contestants were born is that HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.

Adam: Um . . . I meant between the two of us, but whatevs. I will say that Keith Urban gives us absolutely nothing to make fun of with his wardrobe. T-shirt. Jeans. Okay. It was nice of the rest of the judges to dress as extras from the “Beat It” video.  Anyway. Candice.

Straight Up? Definitely a wise choice if for no other reason than that she won’t have to worry about being unfavorably compared to the original vocal (Oh, Paula, may you rest in peace). But I really wish Simon were here to call that performance cabaret. I really liked it, but it still seemed pretty safe for Top 5 territory.

Beth: I miss Simon. Thanks for bringing him up, now I’m crying. I enjoyed the performance but wasn’t blown away.

Janelle is singing a song by Vince Gill because when she was little it would stop her from crying but yeah, you guessed it, IT HAS THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON ME. Boring. Pitchy. Sucky. Just NO. Hey, while we are on the subject of NO, what is going on with Nikki’s boobs, Adam?

Adam: Nikki’s boobs? Hmm . . . I hadn’t noticed over the screech of her voice and the roar of my own snoring. All I can say is Janelle’s song choice was out of her range (on the low end) and her dress choice was straight out of Barbara Mandrell’s wardrobe. Also, Mariah is still talking. This is the best sleep I’ve gotten in months.

Kree is up next singing “She Talks to Angels” by the Black Crowes, which is one of my favorite songs to sing. She did such a nice job. Nice. A little too nice. It’s supposed to be southern fried rock, and I’m pretty sure that was grilled and healthy and not exactly my cup of beer. I’m a touch disappointed with that one.

Beth: Beer. That’s what I need. I really enjoyed the beginning with just the guitar, to be honest. Too bad it only lasted 24 seconds. The song didn’t hold my attention but what DID hold my attention was the cat fight at the end between Nikki and Mariah.

Angie is performing “I’ll Stand by You” and well, I don’t know. I certainly didn’t hate it but I would never buy that single. Or listen to it for free off of Spotify. I LOVE that the three judges were giving standing ovations and Nikki did not. Dangit, I enjoy Nikki. Adam, what is Mariah always reading when she’s talking? And why is she always talking?

Adam: Mariah is reading War and Peace. Word for word. Without a break. And Nikki can’t stand up because her Coke cup is the only thing covering up the rest of her boobs. Angie overperformed that song almost as much as she overpronounces her T’s.

I can’t believe the show is already done! Amber wraps things up with a song from the year she was born. I’m guessing it will be Call Me, Maybe. No? She’s older than that? Oh, no, she’s choosing a Mariah song to remind her that she’s old. Smart, Amber. Smart. Also, my ears are bleeding.

I would like to take a moment to discuss Amber’s outfit which is a giant “no.” It’s just bad. Is she wearing a sunset? The song started bad, like her shoes but it ended better than I expected. And listen, this is a hard song to sing. I sing it often in the shower and my neighbors always, always complain. Trust me. It’s tricky.

Candice is singing a Whitney and Mariah duet (which I didn’t know existed) for the diva round. Adam, I don’t like divas. Candice is a great performer, I have a hard time believing she won’t win the whole thing but I didn’t LOVE that song OR that performance. Call me crazy.

Adam: Girl, you crazy. Here’s the thing: I remember wanting to love this song when it came out. And I didn’t. I sarcastically said when I heard Candice say she was taking on Mariah and Whitney that I was sure she would do a better job than they did. And then she went and did it. And I loved that. I don’t know. It really connected with me.

Janelle is singing Dumb Blond by Dolly Parton, and, shocked as I am, I love the spirit of this performance. It was fun, but she forced me to take her seriously as an artist. Or at least I obliged on this occasion. I’d vote for that.

Grab some Pabst Blue Ribbon, some peanuts and lets head to the local tavern for some Karaoke. YEEEHAWWW. I did not like this performance. I thought she was so pitchy. Dumb blonde needs to go. K?

Kree performed a Celine Dion song. She sounded good but MEH. But don’t blame Kree, I’m grouchy and tired and why aren’t I sleeping?

Adam: I blame Kree. It was annoying and gross. She needs to stop shaking her head.

If I could be a diva, I’d be Beyonce. Oh, who am I kidding? I kind of am Beyonce. I can’t believe Angie didn’t pick Miley Cyrus. She did okay. Smart choice picking a song without a lot of T’s in it.

So, this was DEFINITELY my favorite Angie performance so far this season. (and by this season I mean these past two weeks). The only thing I did not enjoy was the Bohemian Rhapsody Angie heads floating around in the beginning. That was just creepy.

Amber is performing a very sleepy Barbra Streisand song, let me just grab my blankie and pillow and turn over and go to sleep. I’m not saying Amber didn’t perform that beautifully, because she did, I’m just saying I don’t see that as a top ten any time soon. I’m afraid it’s going to be lost on most of the viewers.

Adam: I really thought it was outstanding. It’s a fine way to exit the show, which I’m afraid she will. But still, she should be proud of that one.

Who’s going home?

Adam: Kree
Beth: Janelle

What? Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my hair? Do I have queso on my chin? ooooh, that.

yeah.

So, maybe Adam and I haven’t done such a great job of watching American Idol this season. Maybe we’ve watched a combined 14 minutes so far. Who cares?! We are here to prove to America that we don’t need to fall for Idol and all it’s tricks to make us watch hours and hours and hours and hours and hours to know what’s going on. (America=one reader, just so we are clear.) So, with that, let’s join forces with Randy, Steven and J-Lo and get this party started.

Adam: Spoiler alert, sister: we are pretty fashionably late to this party, and Steven and J-Lo already left. The good news is they’ve been replaced by new people. The bad news is, those people are Nikki Minaj, Keith Urban, and Mariah Carey . . . a veritable yawn sandwich on cuckoo bread. And Randy Jackson, because yo dawg, yo, right?

I think we’re all caught up. Can we vote off Colton again?

Apparently, what we’ve missed so far this season is a lot of drama, tears and Keith Urban with an Australian accent. I’m so confused. Isn’t he from Tennessee?  (it took me 42 seconds to spell Tennessee, FYI.)

Okay, WAIT. Skinny jeans? On Randy Jackson?? I can barely wear skinny jeans and I wear a size 2, 4, 6, SHUT-UP. Anyway, Randy’s stylists need to be fired. Remember last year when he wore a new pin at every show. That was so much better than seeing him in skinny jeans. OMG.

The contestants were just introduced and even though Lazaro is the only guy remaining, he’s decided to dress as a large accent rug. Fashion sure has changed since 2012.

Adam: It’s Halloween, and Randy is dressed as a Pokemon ball. It’s totally cool. I can’t even talk about Lazaro’s couch impression other than to say it’s dead. on. How many hours go by before they sing?

Adam: First up is the runner-up from last year’s Wish I Had Been Named Farrah pageant, Angie. Her rendition of this song is the best I’ve ever heard. It’s also the only one I’ve ever heard. Holy crap, how long have I been frozen in ice? How many times did the 1970s have to come back before that song resurfaced? I don’t get it. I guess her voice was fine. Her hair is nice and poofy. She seems very well spoken for a twelve year old. Are we sure we want to keep watching?

Adam: Lazaro is not a good singer. And, I’m sorry, I’m not inspired by his story. Or his wounded looks. Or his, “Hey, I’m gonna stay upbeat through all of this” smile. But his bow tie? Yes. Vote for the bow tie. I’mma be on my phone, Beth.

Adam: How in the name of Ryan Seacrest’s immaculate hair poof did we get here? The finale? Two contestants? A Tuesday night? Jessica and Phillip and Phillips and no Joshua? And, more importantly, still no Colton? Beth, I feel like we’re on fast forward, J-Lo looks like the leg lamp from A Christmas Story, and the show is only an hour. Could you be more excited? /Chandler

You are so good at the details. I actually had to rewind and look at the Leg Lamp herself once you mentioned it and by golly, you are right, Chandler. The season did fly by, probably because it wasn’t a very good season. *shrugs* But let me tell you something. If I had a ton of money like J-Lo, I wouldn’t make my tops out of electrical tape, Just seems totally unnecessary.

Adam: Jessica started things off on a grand note with a dress so long she had to hold it, a Whitney song that was probably just a touch too big for her, and wearing what I can only assume was a bedazzled ring pop. It was just kind of meh for me. The producers and judges need to stop feeding her super-diva songs. It’s really not fair. She’s 16, not Celine Dion.

This is such a good song but I felt like she was like an angry Mama yelling at her kids at Target. Sometimes, she was singing, but other times her growls were just a little too grrrrrrrrrrr for me. My favorite note of hers was her last because she actually sang it. And also because it was her last.

Phillip Phillips McPhilliperson is singing Stand By Me for the first round. Just a great choice of song for him. I loved how he made it more current, loved the acoustic guitar, but I wasn’t totally wowed and in love with him. And that facial expression that he makes that looks like he’s trying to poop? I don’t know, call me crazy but I can’t get used to it.

Adam: Phillip lost me on the chorus. I didn’t feel like he was standing by me so much as meandering aimlessly around me. Probably looking for a place to poop. Phillip, it’s the finale. You probably should start thinking about being in it to win it. Also: J-Lo’s eyebrows are bothering me.

Jessica’s second song is The Prayer. Oh man, I’m just not wowed by Jessica tonight. Vocally it was okay, but artistically? Jessica was a messica. It’s a slow song to begin with, and slowing it down, stripping it of its well rounded power, and throwing unwarranted runs into random places just did not help me love this.

Say what?! Messica? (awesome, by the way) I loved this performance. Not only did I find it a great performance but her dress was perfection. Which is really what’s most important. Well, what’s really most important is that she appeared to have eaten her ring pop between songs. Such a smart girl.

Phillip is back up with Moving Out. So. He sounded the same as usual. Nothing spectacular but there is just something about his facial expressions tonight that are really bugging me. But mostly what bugs me is that I haven’t had nachos in seven days.

Adam: I liked this. I remember not liking his original performance of this song nearly as much, but this seemed fresh somehow. The creepy looks are out of control, and I can’t even comment on the nacho drought without crying, so maybe we should just move on to round three.

Okay, round three. Um . . . can we go back to the happy times of creepy faces and longing for queso? The song was lame. Jessica’s voice sounded strained. She looked bored. Where in the David Archuleta loving world did Jessica misplace all her cute? I’m not happy with this finale.

First of all, Steven is such a pretty woman tonight. I don’t know how he does it. I didn’t hate this performance but I found myself happily distracted by her bedhead and the acrylic steps beside the piano and also my stomach was growling.

Adam, you must know that from just the guitar part at the beginning that I would love this song. You know this right? HOLY FREAKING CRAP, I love love loved this song. It’s right up my alley, totally something I’d listen to, happily, a million times. I loved it. By far, THE BEST performance, wait for it … of the season. By anyone.

Adam: Shhh. I’m listening again.

Who’s going to win?

Beth: after that last performance, it better be Phillip, dammit.

Adam: I’m thinking Phillip wins, based solely on the last performance. I’m voting now.

Me, too. Adam. Me too.

Chime in and tell us who you guys think will win!

…that’s it for Idol Chat. Maybe we’ll see you next year!