Adam, sometimes I just can’t do it all and the rest of the time I just pretend like I can. Today is one of those days where I can’t do it all and I am definitely not going to pretend because I’m too tired and I still have a to-do list as long as Randy’s cereal necklace. And listen, I know that doesn’t make any sense but please, just pretend.

With that, I appreciate you taking the reins tonight and offering your expertise on Idol and allowing me to take a step back a bit from tonight’s show. You’re the best. Well, nachos are the best, but you’re a close second.

Adam: It is now my mission in life to eat all the nachos so that I can be the best. Or a second best, to you, if you’ll help me finish all the nachos.

Beth, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m not 100% fond of Colton Dixon. But after tonight’s performance, I have to say that I still hate him. The song is boring. His pitch, I’m sorry, Steven, was not perfect (unless by “perfect” he meant “all over the place”). It was self-absorbed, shallow, flat, and trite. And FAKE. TEARS. What’s with the fist shaking? It looks like he’s playing the most emotional game of Yahtzee in history.

Skylar got to sing with Stevie Nicks. For that, I feel so happy for her. She also looked pretty nice in her Tommy Hilfiger round 2 duds, except that it looked like she was wearing the dust ruffle from a Twilight bed in a bag. She sounded great, too. So there’s that. I don’t know how to feel about this Rachel Dratch character.

Beth: Heejun Han is taking a serious turn tonight (about time). I love the song he’s singing and I really hope he doesn’t make me cry because I just had a beer (about time) and I tend to cry easily when I’ve had beer. I thought he sounded pretty good, he sounded a bit like Michael McDonald (I’m old). It was good. I approve. And I often want to call him Hey Jude. I hope that’s okay.

Adam: It’s okay, Beth. I always want to call him “Heejun, don’t sing it bad. Take a sad song, please sing it better. Remember to put lenses in your glasses . . . and that’s it.

Adam: Mini-Gwyneth is cute, but she seemed to struggle with the song. The lower notes. The bigger notes. The higher notes. The briskly flowing lyrics in the verses. I just don’t think Hollie was very well suited for that song . . . at least she wasn’t quite prepared to kill it tonight. Also: why was she singing in the snow? I’m so confused.

Adam: Well, friends, we’re down to 10. I’m so excited that Jennifer Lopez is wearing a leotard and a leather couch and that Tommy Hilfiger is on to explain to us why that’s awesome. But mostly I’m excited about Billy Joel night. Are you a fan of the Piano Man, Beth?

You know, I am. And the older I get, the more I like him. My favorite song of his is “Uptown Girl.” Hey, Adam, if you want to have a good time, go to You Tube and watch his videos. Oh man, those 80′s were cray-cray.

Adam: Diddy is mentoring the contestants on how to sing Billy Joel songs. I’m already confused. I’m about ready to quit right now. Deandre maybe should have joined me, because he’s singing Only the Good Die Young into the ground. The dry, boring ground. I didn’t believe a word he sang. Wrong choice, Curly Sue.

So, listen. You could just mute the sound and this performance could easily be passed off as a performance of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” what with the patterns and the flourescent colrs and the bouncing. And also, muting it would make the horrible sound stop coming out of his mouth. GAH.

Hey Adam. You know how I eat a lot of nachos?

What? That’s all. Just saying I eat a lot of nachos. So, Erica Van Pelt is up and she cut her hair off and colored it black all thanks to Tommy Hilfiger telling her to do so. Good thing he didn’t tell her to jump off a damn bridge. Also, I’m glad she didn’t say she Idolized DeAndre because we don’t need two crazy-haired contestants. Regarding her performance, I thought she sounded good but I was bored. No really. I was bored.

Adam: Erika looks good in black, especially with the purple light dancing along the crest of her new raven locks. She’s still oversinging, but her song choice showcased what’s best about her voice. But she still goes on run without purpose or direction. She’s still pancake syrup to me.

Joshua. He’s never heard She’s Got a Way. So . . . sing that one? Sure, makes total sense. You know what also makes sense? Singing it in a tight black suit sitting backwards in the swamp by Yoda’s house. This whole performance makes complete and total sense. A vocal explosion of a quiet little meaningless song. Sure.

Beth, I’ve got a hole in my temple from all the head scratching I just did.

That sucks, Adam. Here. Have a beer.

I’m just thinking that he’ll never really go off key. He started a tiny bit rough, like in the first line but after that, Joshua hit every.single.note. I thought it was good.

Skylar Laine. Those people standing around her awkwardly clapping? Horrifying. This performance was pretty horrifying, too. I have no other words except I think Idol needs to make sure she’s not really Rachel Dratch.

Adam: Diddy said he felt like he was in church. I did too . . . kinda bored. Tommy Hilfiger apparently thought she’d feel more confident dressed as a designer rain storm. Oh, Rachel. You looked awkward up there, kinda like Debbie Downer. Seriously, Skylar just made me sad tonight. This show has been fantastic!

If the contestants are any indication of the voting audience, there’s no harm in singing a song no one knows because NO ONE KNOWS WHO BILLY JOEL EVEN IS. So the fact that Elise sang a song I don’t even know might not matter. I liked the performance. But I can’t remember it (and she’s still singing).

Remember back in the day when the Idol judges rarely did  standing ovations and now it’s like at least one person gets one per show? This bothers me. C’mon, judges! Show your hate! Compare their voices to screeching cats! ugh. I miss Simon. In other news,  Randy’s beaded, preschool brooch is off the hook.

Oh, Elise sounded good! She did. ABOUT TIME.

Philly Philliperson is up next. He’s singing Moving Out. I super love this song, Adam. I’m not sure How I feel about Dave Matthews Junior singing it except that I actually REALLY liked it. My favorite performance so far tonight. oh and Randy just said those that do should and shouldn’t do couldn’t wouldn’t do should. Wise words.

Adam: Phillip Philharmonic scared me a little tonight, Beth. I thought he was going to be killed by lasers. I happen to completely disagree with Randy. I thought he should have taken the advice of everyone, because that song dragged for me. I think he’s a caricature of himself. I can’t listen to that again. I must be in a bad mood.

Beth, I should probably just stop talking about the performances at all. Honesty? Honestly? I don’t get that, Hollie. If that song came up on shuffle in my iTunes, I’d skip that business in two seconds. But I LOVE Randy’s color. The polka dots are my new best friends.

Whoa! Hollie is Wonder Woman! Fantastic! And not only is she Wonder Woman but she’s aged 42 years since her rehearsal. Her voice is so good but I’m seriously distracted by the off-beat finger tapping and the ridiculous outfit. Someone should punch Tommy Hilfiger in the face.

Heejun is up next! He’s so funny! And his voice is so good! But you know what ruins it for me? Glasses without lenses. I hope he wears lenses tonight. To be honest, I really love this song but he seemed to yell a lot? I don’t know, Adam. He confuses me.

Adam: I’m glad Heejun had fun with the performance, but I’m as disappointed as Steven was that he turned it into a joke. I noticed he has lenses sometimes and not others. I presume he’s concerned about glare. Not so much about hitting all the notes. Still, I wasn’t bored! Heejun is my bosom buddy.

Jessica is singing a song originally performed by Billy Joe. I have no idea. Beth, can you pass the queso? I can’t move.

I’m so sorry to hear you can’t move. Of course, here’s the que … oh wait. Sorry. I ate it all. Plain chip?

I seriously loved and agreed with everything Diddy said when it came to advising Jessica. He’s a smart fellow, that Diddy is. Okay, so you know how during the season finale, the winner has to sing that horribly corny song once they’re crowned Miss American Idol? That’s what this song feels like for me. She has amazing vocals but I found it to be really corny. LOOK! A STAND OVATION! I’M COMPLETELY SURPRISED.

Oh, Colton is up. Your favorite. He’s singing Piano Man tonight. You know, it’s all very dramatic and he really does have a good voice but every time he makes his voice break, or squeak or whatever it is, it makes me twitch. I can not handle it. I do love the piano in this song. He did well tonight. Besides the whole Peter Brady-ness of it all.

Adam: You know what the amazing thing about Colton’s performance was, Beth? He wasn’t even planning to perform tonight! It was just supposed to be his sister! Can you believe it? He squeaks too much, you nailed it. His false modesty is fooling no one. On this couch, at least.

Who’s going home?

Beth says Erika

Adam says Hollie

What do you guys think? YES. YOU.

Adam: Can you believe this is the 400th episode of American Idol? Also, can you believe it’s not the 400th episode of the season? We took a week off to allow America to eliminate 213 extra contestants, and now we’re down to 13. Beth, let’s get to the important details: what do you think of J Lo’s black and white satin track suit?

Whew. I have a few thoughts on J-Lo, actually, the first thought is Wow, J Lo is wearing a black and white satin track suit and second is I hope she doesn’t have to go to the bathroom.

Adam: First up is Joshua Ledet with Stevie Wonder’s “I Wish” (and really, all Stevie and Whitney? Great songs, but impossible to improve upon). I like what Joshua has to offer vocally, but I’m not sure he has any unique style. And Randy said flavorless instead of flawless, which makes me think his reactions are on a teleprompter. Lame.

You really pay attention, Adam. It’s possible I was distracted by nachos and that’s all. Nothing else. OKAY I’M LYING, I WAS PLAYING DRAW SOMETHING WHILE EATING NACHOS. sue me.

I like Joshua but wasn’t blown away by him.

Elise is singing Whitney’s I’m Your Baby Tonight, I think I can safely say that I haaaated, HATED Elise’s performance tonight. I kinda can’t stand that she reminds me of Mariah Carey (we know how I feel about Mariah Carey.) And all of that crap about not knowing the song makes me want to grab the microphone and bang it against her head. You’re on Idol, Mariah. GAWD.

Adam: Part of me still loves Mariah . . . okay, my heart does. But let’s not get into that. I also kinda liked Elise’s performance, but she was NOT confident with it. Sing what you want, girl! And any time a contestant chooses a song they don’t know that’s also super fast? Dumb.

Adam: Jermaine is a mystery to me. He’s got a nice voice, but I don’t think he gets it. A couple times he looked like he was afraid a trapdoor in the stage would open beneath him. But I do love this: he sounded different than Stevie (obviously). So while I’d never call his version better, there’s a reason to listen to it instead of the original, and not just to make fun of him.

Agreed. I really enjoy him, I’m not sure why. I mean, I don’t think he’ll win (heh, watch him win) but he’s different in a wonderful way. J Lo is right, he really is a sweetheart. Also, either he is Jolly Freaking Giant or Ryan Seacrest is an American Girl Doll.

Erica Van Pelt is singing I Believe in You and Me. She has that nice, smokey voice. Wait, is that candy on her dress straps? Anyway, her voice is deep and it’s a little shocking to the system but she has really good control and I like that she sounds a little different. Also, I’d like to say that Randy has fur on his collar.

Adam: I agree with Mary J. that EVP has a meat and potatoes tone, but there’s waaaaay too much gravy on it. She’s just too over-the-top for me. And if J Lo keeps saying “goosies,” I’m going to get the pukies and the stabbies and the crazies.

Adam: Colton Dixon is a hairy little genital wart. Beth?

oooh, I love, LOVE the song Lately. It cracks me up that you hate him so much. But listen. I don’t think he did a terrible job singing it. To be honest, I liked it. (Take THAT Mariah lover.) I do wish he would cut the voice cracking out.

Ryan Seacrest is such a cute American Girl Doll tonight. Makes want to put him into an American Girl Doll bed with American Girl Doll blankets and tuck him in with an American Girl Doll teddy bear.

Shannon Magrane is up. It is positively shocking to me that she has a strong voice but I have noticed numerous times during this performance that she was completely flat and also wow, this song was probably just a little too big for her. She may be distracted by her 12 inch heels, which I totally understand. I’m the same way when I wear my 12 inch heels.

Adam: Oh, Shannon. She could have done much better, but this is what happens when you ask people to sing Whitney on week 1! Terrible choice by the producers. I’d also like to take this moment to point out that Randy’s wearing a pin Colin made in pre-school today.

Adam: I don’t care what song Deandre sings, I’m just glad Milli Vanilli had a baby who can do his own singing. In addition to having crazy dynamic vocals and gorgeous curls, Deandre has the uncanny ability to choose songs I’d never ever ever want to listen to and sing them incredibly well. I wish he had gone with a Whitney tune.

I know I shouldn’t focus on his hair it’s just that I can’t help it. Is it possible that during season one of American Idol when he was just six years old he said “when I grow up, I want to look like Justin Guarini.” Yeah, he’s a good singer but I don’t really want him to stay on the show much longer, I don’t know why. Blame it on the rain.

Skylar Laine is performing Where Do Broken Hearts Go. She’s turned this song into a country ballad. Here’s the thing about Skylar. First, she has such a strong voice, it’s like she has to make no effort whatsoever to sing. Second, she totally reminds me of Rachel Dratch. Weird.

Adam: Holy crap, yes! She is Rachel Dratch’s Reba impression, if she had ever thought to do one. I’m a little concerned that Skylar will win this thing. She could use a Clay Aikenesque makeover maybe.

Adam: HeeJun is my favorite person on this show ever. But for as funny and delightful as I find him (I just hugged my TV . . . again), his voice is a little boring. I just don’t feel like he’s connecting with me, even when he stuck his tongue out at the end.

It’s shocking what a good performer Heejun is. I agree with Steven, Heejun’s voice is really special. HOWEVER, I thought about going back and listening to it again and thought “nah, that would be boring.” So, there’s that.

Hollie Cavanagh is up. She looks about twelve years old but man, she can sing. Confession: finger tapping on a microphone is distracting and I don’t get it. It’s also usually out of beat. Basically, it’s dumb and I wish it were banned from show business. So, to recap, her singing performance was pretty good but her hand performance was DUMB.

Adam: The fingers were all I could look at when I wasn’t wondering if she was Gwyneth’s little sister. I think she sang well, but I kept thinking she was trying to flip me off. Also, can I just say that Whitney Houston was the. best. ever. at connecting emotionally through her songs. As great as her voice was, her eyes may have been better. I always felt like she was singing to me. I’m so pissed she’s gone.

Sigh.

Okay, Jeremy absolutely nailed the first phrase of the song, and I think I might really like him. He’s good, and not just for a cute little 8 year old.

Yeah, he’s cute and has a really good voice but there is nothing unique about him. He’s like 20 contestants that have already performed on Idol before.

Gosh, this is really tough. Jessica Sanchez has taken on I Will Always Love You, I give her a lot of credit for trying but FOR ME it showcased her weaknesses which was surprising because I didn’t really think she had any. But apparently the judges disagree based on the standing ovation they are giving her. I mean, it was good but it was not perfect.

Adam: See, this is what happens, Beth. Jimmy and Mary J. Blige give superb advice. We hear how good the contestant sounds when following that advice. Then they get on stage and say, “Aw, screw it.” She started well, and then started crapping all over the song with unnecessary runs that completely ruined the quiet, delicate moments of that song. At that point, the big notes mean nothing, especially since she didn’t really nail them. But hey, it’s week 1, so she’ll get through.

But it could have been amazing, and not just in the judges’ minds.

Adam: Phillip Squared sings and plays with a lot of talent and a lot of fake anger and unnatural humor that leaves me not particularly enjoying his singing. I’d like his interpretations if I felt at all like it meant anything. I don’t get it. But I still hope he stays long enough to figure out something better.

I just can’t get passed the fact that he’s just like Dave Matthews. I agree that this show needs him, he’s definitely set apart from the other contestants but he’s just.like.dave.matthews. This bothers me.

Who’s going home?

Beth says Jeremy

Adam says Mariah

Beth says she hopes Adam is right.