Adam: I can’t believe Idol’s down to three. The best top three contestants ever. The best season ever. The closest race ever. Apparently. It’s the best everything ever, and there’s only one week left! But first, the best three performances ever. Are you ready for the bestest bestness in the history of all that is best, Beth?

I am and you know what this means? That Idol Chat is the best thing to ever happen to the internet ever. or something.

Adam: First up, it’s the judges’ choice round, and Randy picked Etta James’s I’d Rather Be Blind for Joshua. Perfect choice. I don’t know if he also selected Joshua’s well-upholstered jacket, but let’s just go ahead and call it a double-dog win for Randy. Joshua’s so smooth, so bad, so awesome. I’m finally to the point where I’ll be angry if he doesn’t win.

I love his style. I love his voice. I love his smile. Overall, I just totally enjoy him. But I was a teeny tiny bit bored, I can’t lie to you. But he’s got soul and I appreciate that.

Adam, yesterday I had some pretty good oral surgery done and I can’t have nachos tonight. I’m completely thrown off my game, so if I make no sense, it’s because of the lack of nachos and has nothing, I REPEAT, nothing to do with pain killers. So, Jessica Nachos is up and she’s singing about queso. Wait. That can’t be right.

In all seriousness, I can’t but help but think that Jessica really, really struggled with some of the vocals in this song. Really pitchy and also, why do the judges love EVERY SINGLE SONG? Not all songs are all that lovable, judges.

Adam: That was the worst song choice in the history of song choices. Don’t choose Mariah. Don’t choose an unknown song. Don’t put anybody but Maya to sing. That was dreadful. And why is this the year of Mariah? Geez, Beth, you must be dying. No nachos and Mariah overload? Holy crap, it’s just not fair. J-Lo did Jessica wrong by having her sing that shlock.

Adam: Steven, on the other hand, served up awesome on a platter of genius to Phillip Phillips and the Phils. Madcon’s Beggin’ was perfect for him. I don’t love Phil like some other people do, but that rocked. Not my favorite song, but it was my favorite song for him. It sounded as good as I can expect that kid to sound. Very nice. I didn’t even laugh as I watched.

I’ve never heard this song that Phillip Phillips (why did his parents do that to him, by the way?) is singing but I like it. And I like Phillip. I’m finally to the point where I’ll be angry if he doesn’t win. (I’ve heard those words from somewhere…)

So, Joshua is up again and he’s performing Imagine, this was his song choice for this round. What an interesting choice of song.Not really my favorite performance of his. I love his voice but this song did nothing to showcase his talent and really, I closed my eyes and thought his rendition would make a good cell phone commercial.

Adam: Okay, Joshua, let’s go over this. When you sing a song, you have to believe the whole song, not just the melody. Joshua gave a heartfelt performance of a nice little song, but I don’t think the rich, powerful vocal matched the heart of the song’s message. It was just kinda nice. I don’t think he connected with it at all, I don’t care what he told the judges. Meh.

Adam: Jessica’s choice is Aerosmith, because duh. I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing just isn’t the same when I’m not watching Armageddon, but I still liked what Jessica’s doing with it. I should note, outside of my own shower singing, I’ve never been that impressed with anyone’s version of this song. Granted, Tiny Jessica brutalized the last power note, but she still did a nice job. She actually toned down her usually exaggerated runs, too. Nice.

Oh, Jessica. Why are you playing it so safe tonight? Nothing exciting, nothing truly exceptional … just, meh, nice.

Phillip is back on stage with a song by Matchbox 20. Here’s how I’m feeling about Phillip lately: he has his sound figured out and no matter the genre, no matter the song assignment, he makes each performance sound like him and that is pretty awesome. Adam, I don’t know if it’s obvious or not but I’m leaning toward Team Phillip. And the vein popping out of his forehead when he sings? I’m a fan.

Adam: I’m pretty sure Disease is my brother’s favorite song to sing karaoke, which makes me a) miss my brother, and b) miss Simon. And Beth, I agree that Phillip makes every song sound like him, but there’s a fine line between making every song your own and making every song sound the same. Phillip crosses that line too much for me, though I think he was on the fresher side of unique this time.

Adam: There are big songs that make you sing along. The perfect songs to make you dance. The songs that inspire you. But Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama? It’s a song that forces you to just stop and listen. It’s a work of art. It’s all vocal. All raw emotion. You have to either sing it true and perfect or don’t even bother. Joshua did it. It hurt to listen, but in the very best way. Absolutely outstanding.

There’s no doubt Joshua was feeling that performance, the joy and passion were evident during that performance and that is admirable and awesome.

Once again Jessica shows up on stage and sings a good song, nothing extraordinary and pretty safe.

Adam: And let’s be honest. She’s singing the Mariah Carey version of this song, not the Jackson 5 one. This is crazy.

Adam: Jimmy picked We’ve Got Tonight by Bob Seger for Phillip’s last performance of the night. And I’m not sure what to say . . . because Phil didn’t Phil it. The song’s melody went unchanged. Weird faces were left unmade. He didn’t go all raspy. He didn’t play his guitar. I didn’t even think of Dave Matthews. Beth, I’m scared.

So, I like this song, I think he sounds great and I like Phillip but I don’t like the way he’s rubbing his leg the whole time, it’s creeping me out. Now I’m back on Team Joshua.

Finally, it’s over. Time for dreams of queso.

Who’s going home?

Beth: Jessica

Adam: Phillip

What do you guys think? Who’s going home?

So, I want to take quick moment to apologize for no Idol Chat last week. I promise we had good excuses. Brian and I were on a much needed vacation AWAY FROM ALL CHILDREN, we had 28 hours of peace. We were desperate, the only day we could get it to work fell on a Wednesday.

Now, Adam, he had an even better excuse, he was off getting ready for his baby girl to be born! She was born last Thursday. Meet Maya!

And speaking of birthdays – today is Adam’s birthday. He’s such a great co-host, don’t you guys think? We’re like Regis and Kelly but without the money and the, well, money. And we’re not a TV show, either. (oh and Adam’s not 75 and I’m not a size zero) BUT WHATEVER.

On with the Final Four! Adam … did you hear the news? Reba McIntyre was booted from the show last week. Wait. No. Not Reba. Skylar. I’m not going to lie to you, I’m surprised but I’m certain had we watched the show last week, I totally would have predicted it. *cough*

Adam: I heard, and I wasn’t entirely shocked. Mostly because I’m much, much too tired to be shocked. Are we really down to four finalists? I feel like that should shock me too. But, you know. Baby coma.

Philip Phillips is starting us off with Have You Ever Seen the Rain? And wow, I was totally and completely bored throughout the performance. At one point, I found myself just staring at my boring beige wall and when I realized Philip was still on stage I was annoyed that he interrupted me from staring at the boring wall. But shockingly enough, Steven the Bride, J-Lo the 13-year-old skater and Randy the Easter Egg liked it!

Adam: I think Randy’s lapel pin said it best: Yo. I mean, Phil? Yo, Phil. Yo. I just have to thank you for that performance. Because I’m looking to put Maya to sleep using any means possible. Thank God for you and my DVR.

Adam: Hollie stayed with the Help Maya Sleep Through the Night theme. This is my favorite show ever! In all seriousness, last week was great for Hollie. But that was boring and bad and awful and not good. Old Lady Hollie just made me age three years. I totally did not expect to turn 40 today.

Hollie was pitchy in so much of the song that it nearly distracted me from the windstorm and the cloud cover. Wait. Is she really still in the show or is this like an April Fool’s Joke?

Joshua is singing Josh Groban’s You Raise Me Up. This is an interesting test for me because well, I despise Josh Groban but I like Josh Ledet, so we’ll see how this works out. Okay, so I didn’t hate it but I certainly did not love it. It fell short for me. A bit flat. Tonight is boring so far which is bad for me and my eyelids but good for Maya, so that’s good.

Adam: Joshua should probably not sing Josh Groban songs. It just didn’t work. It was like gravy on cantaloupe. The song was just not written to be that saucy. I’m sorry that I witnessed that. 

Adam: Jessica sang Etta James, and while I assumed the same tragedy would befall her performance that plagued Joshua’s (pure, simple melody slogged up by overdone runs and needless embellishments) I liked the growl. Jessica had the growl going. The growl worked. For me. I don’t know that the song was all that great to listen to, but Jessica had a few moments in that song. Growly wow moments. We could all benefit from a few growly wow moments in our lives.

I actually enjoyed Jessica’s performance tonight. She had a ton of soul and the fact that she’s 16, Adam? holy. crap. I finally enjoyed a song tonight.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. whoa, Philip is singing Volcano by Damien Rice, THIS is amazing. I love this song. And Philip did NOT disappoint. By far my favorite performance this season. So calm and sexy. Goodness. I FREAKING LOVED IT. Yo! Philip is IN IT TO WIN IT. (I said that while pointing with a Yo! pin on my lapel, by the way.)

Adam: Yeah, that was good. There’s still a tone (or a monotone) to Phil that bores me, but that was much better than any of his performances I can remember. His style was much more suited to that song because it already had the dark beautiful quality Phillip seems to be searching for in all his performances. I dug it.

Adam: Before I get to Hollie’s performance, I just want to complain that my thumb is sore from pressing the “skip” button so many times on this show. Why isn’t this a half-hour episode? Holy fluff! Okay. On to Hollie. Um . . . that was very . . . dentist officey. Also, J-Lo’s earrings are too small tonight. Okay, so . . . Hollie’s in the final four. Someone needs to explain that to me.

Oh, Hollie. So. Boring. Like Broomstick in the eye boring. Please go home. (also boring: 3 non-essential Idol performances)

Joshua is singing James Brown. Loved it. Now, I’m not sure where he or this performance would fit into music today but that performance was AWESOME. I enjoyed every second of it.

Adam: Joshua’s voice has this rich, textured, aged quality to it. Man sounds like he’s gotta be at least 50. But when he smiles, he looks like a 16-year-old kid. I think that’s what makes it difficult to place him into music today, but I think, I think, that’s the type of performance that could create its own niche. That could set a trend. That could spawn disciples. Joshua let his soul out in that song, and that wins. Soul wins.

Adam: Jessica sang “I’m telling you I’m not going, etc., etc.” Beth, did you ever watch Star Search? You know how they’d have cute little dimpled first graders stand up and sing big people songs, and it was so precious and cute and adorable? Well, Jessica’s too old for Star Search, but too young to pull that song off. I mean, she sang it great. Great. But I didn’t believe it for a second. And it wasn’t cute, either. Meh.

Jessica, wow. I’m a bit speechless right now. I totally enjoyed it. Now, I did think “how in the world could this little 16 year old sing this song with such power and emotion and seriously ONLY BE 16?” I don’t know. But she did it.

Who is going home?

Beth: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOLLIE.

Adam: Hollie

What do you guys think?

Adam: Beth, have I told you lately how much I love two-hour episodes of American Idol? What? I haven’t? Oh. Well that’s probably because I just don’t know how to express my extreme love for them. They don’t waste time at all. And these guy-girl duets? Totally necessary and awesome. Are you ready for another round of fun, sans Heejun the lensless wonder?

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I totally tune into Idol each week FOR the unnecessary duets. Man, I love ‘em.

Adam: DeAndre is singing something by DeBarge. Doesn’t that tell us all we really need to know about DeAndre? Good. Because I want to just take a moment to express my sympathy for the poor girl he sat next to who just showed America her undies. We’ve all been there. Also: Randy is dressed for a clown funeral.

aw. Sad clown day. And sad day for my ears, too.

Elise Testone is up singing “I Want to Know What Love Is” I have the answer … NOT THIS SONG. I don’t know, Adam. I know she rocked it last week but this week seemed so safe. It’s not a tough song to sing. I’m pretty glad the song is over.

Adam: I don’t understand why so many people on this show have said “It’s a great song, but . . .” It’s not a great song. It should have stayed buried in the ’80s. I can’t think of a song that would be less Elise than that was. Oh, honey.

There was a rumor that Colton and Skylar were dating? I thought I’ve made it perfectly clear that Colton can only date Colton.

Phillip Phillips sang Phil Collins. I can feel it in the air tonight. And by it, I mean total insanity. Phil Collins? He didn’t hit the right notes. He looked like he was passing a Ryan-Seacrest-sized kidney stone. I did not enjoy that performance.

Well, Adam, I liked it a lot. He did a good job of making the song sound current and he seemed a little bit sexy, too. (wait. is he over 18? If not, I didn’t say that. Seriously. I didn’t.) I have a lot of trouble getting past his Dave Matthews impression (obviously because I mention it EVERY DAMN WEEK) but I’m trying. I’m trying.

Joshua Ledet sang If You Don’t Know Me by Now. I just did not love him this week. And the whispering singers in the background were a little creepy. And the fake floating candles. The smoke. Just too much. But I don’t know, I guess the judges disagree. Whatever, judges.

Adam: I think we need to go over the concept of theme night with the contestants, Beth. The song should be from the ’80s, but it shouldn’t make us feel like we’re in the ’80s. 2012, people. Will somebody please sing like it’s 2012? I thought Josh did great vocally, but the whole performance felt so old. And not vintage. Just musty.

Jessica sang Whitney. And her voice is really nice, but the style is, again, trapped in 1988. She had a keytar in the band for crying out loud! It’s fine. She can sing. But she can’t make me like it. What happened to the singers I loved last week?

Oh my good gravy, Jessica. Why does she hate my ears?! Make it stop. She’s so off key and screeching and I sing so much better than her and that is such a terrible insult. GAH NO GO AWAY. And the judges liked it? NO. This makes me a little angry.

Hollie is singing “What a Feeling.” It’s amazing how she looks 12 during rehearsals and then gets on stage and turns 67. I don’t get it. She has been very pitchy throughout the song and I didn’t like it. Not one bit, Adam.

Adam: I mostly got confused by her ring that was the exact size, color, and shape of the microphone. It looked like the mic had a goiter. Also, old lady Hollie the 12 year old, if you’re singing a song about dancing for your life . . . you have to dance. Or sing. One of the two.

Colton is singing Time after Time. I’ll give you the Jekyll and Hyde of this performance. This was probably Colton’s best song of the year. He sang really well, and he actually sang it in the style of the century we’re in now. Novel! I still can’t stand how in love with himself he is, though. (And he is.) Ugh.

I did NOT hate this song, certain parts were actually quite good. I enjoyed it, Adam. As usual, I did not like the voice cracking but maybe that’s what kids do these days. What do I know? I’m 67. Like Hollie.

Skyler Laine is performing Wind Beneath my Wings gone Country tonight. Gosh, I don’t know. Pretty song and pretty dress but the twaawaang was just so over done. You know what? This was not my favorite but SHOCKINGLY the judges loved it. They are standing and J-Lo is crying. And I am sticking a fork in my eye.

Adam: Beth, did you ever know that you’re my hero? Truth. (By the way, I think Skylar did a great job. And I liked it. A lot.)

Who’s going home?

Beth: Hollie

Adam: DeAndre

What do you guys think?

Adam, sometimes I just can’t do it all and the rest of the time I just pretend like I can. Today is one of those days where I can’t do it all and I am definitely not going to pretend because I’m too tired and I still have a to-do list as long as Randy’s cereal necklace. And listen, I know that doesn’t make any sense but please, just pretend.

With that, I appreciate you taking the reins tonight and offering your expertise on Idol and allowing me to take a step back a bit from tonight’s show. You’re the best. Well, nachos are the best, but you’re a close second.

Adam: It is now my mission in life to eat all the nachos so that I can be the best. Or a second best, to you, if you’ll help me finish all the nachos.

Beth, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m not 100% fond of Colton Dixon. But after tonight’s performance, I have to say that I still hate him. The song is boring. His pitch, I’m sorry, Steven, was not perfect (unless by “perfect” he meant “all over the place”). It was self-absorbed, shallow, flat, and trite. And FAKE. TEARS. What’s with the fist shaking? It looks like he’s playing the most emotional game of Yahtzee in history.

Skylar got to sing with Stevie Nicks. For that, I feel so happy for her. She also looked pretty nice in her Tommy Hilfiger round 2 duds, except that it looked like she was wearing the dust ruffle from a Twilight bed in a bag. She sounded great, too. So there’s that. I don’t know how to feel about this Rachel Dratch character.

Beth: Heejun Han is taking a serious turn tonight (about time). I love the song he’s singing and I really hope he doesn’t make me cry because I just had a beer (about time) and I tend to cry easily when I’ve had beer. I thought he sounded pretty good, he sounded a bit like Michael McDonald (I’m old). It was good. I approve. And I often want to call him Hey Jude. I hope that’s okay.

Adam: It’s okay, Beth. I always want to call him “Heejun, don’t sing it bad. Take a sad song, please sing it better. Remember to put lenses in your glasses . . . and that’s it.

Adam: Mini-Gwyneth is cute, but she seemed to struggle with the song. The lower notes. The bigger notes. The higher notes. The briskly flowing lyrics in the verses. I just don’t think Hollie was very well suited for that song . . . at least she wasn’t quite prepared to kill it tonight. Also: why was she singing in the snow? I’m so confused.