JJF
Five months old
Posted by: | CommentsI look back on this past year of my life and it feels so vivid and dreamy, you know, like one of those realistic dreams you wake up from and it sticks with you all day long. That’s how my life feels.
Friday night, I was casually browsing the interwebs, which I rarely give myself time to do anymore and I came across support sites for babies lost, it sent me barreling down that dark place, remembering what it felt like to lose James and Jake. Reading stories about deliveries and holding still babies.
Part of me wanted to hole myself up in a closet and be totally left alone. But the other part of me, the stronger part of me, maybe, encouraged me to go to bed and count my blessings, one. two. three.
four + five.
Each one uniquely mine.
I laid in bed and thought about Anna’s hilarious laugh and her ability to act like a teenager when she’s just a seven year old.
I smiled at the thought of Noah holding my hand at church and whispering to me “this is really nice time at church with my family.”
I pictured myself kissing Eli’s chubby cheeks and looking deep into his eyes, wondering what he has seen.
and I dreamed of two angel babies, watching over the family that loves them so much.
I drifted off to sleep. Happy. Healthy. Thankful.
I woke up to a lego trophy for “best Mom.” And a baby boy with a tiny tooth set to emerge any day now and an monstrous mess of papers, laundry, food, crumbs, with my name on it.
But happy. healthy. thankful.
Nothing else matters.
Elijah turned five months old yesterday.
Reaching
Posted by: | CommentsElijah has started reaching. Sometimes, when I’m trying to grab a quick picture with my iPhone, he surprises me by grabbing my phone.
Sometimes, when he and I are just staring at each other, which we do, a lot, he reaches up and touches my face.
He smiles.
I melt.
On Saturday, it was just he and I at home. I had just finished feeding him, I was helping him to sit up in my lap. He looked directly at my James and Jake necklace, he reached over and held it in his hands.
He didn’t let go.
I wish I could tell you what that felt like to me. Like some sort of heart bursting, full circle, heavenly, torturous, loving, painful moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.
I sometimes wonder how close James and Jake really are to us. Like, did they gently lift his arm and guide him to that necklace. ”Here. Mommy will like it if you do this.”
We’ve been doing landscape work in our yard. We have two bricks with their names printed on them. I moved them and then picked Eli up. I held him like you hold a baby. His eyes sparkled from the bright sky’s reflection. I asked him if he knew James and Jake. He just stared at me. I said “what were they like?” and he laughed.
I think that means they are funny.
Two years ago tomorrow is their due date. They should be turning two, instead we’ve been living without them for over two years. In a strange way, I feel incomplete but on the other hand, I feel so complete. I feel like I am the lucky one who gets to call James and Jake hers.
They are.
Mine.
Forever.
I’ll always be reaching for them and I know they are reaching for us. I believe, wholly, that we will always meet in the middle, spiritually.
Which is beautiful and perfect and makes being their Mom…awesome.
We walked.
Posted by: | CommentsOkay, so maybe I didn’t walk but my friends and family did. They walked for James and Jake and it moved me to no end.
And it will continue to move me for days, weeks, years to come.
Somehow, there was no rain. The day just felt like a celebration. A celebration of life and of lives changed by these sweet babies.
I hope they can feel the love. THE LOVE FOR THEM IS SO BIG.
Before we left for the walk yesterday morning, I was nursing Elijah and Anna and Noah were ready for the walk with their shirts on and their teeth brushed, their tennis shoes laced up and Anna said “today feels like Christmas, I’m excited like Christmas.”
And in that moment I thought “we have done something right, so right.”
Later in the day, Noah said to his Aunt Amy, “I wish I could have seen James and Jake born.”
And still I know that we have done something so right. I want Anna and Noah to wish that, I want them to remember them and know that they have the sweetest little guardian angels. I believe they know this. I hope they know this.
And I believe that we are so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and care about LIFE. So many people who understand the fragility of it all. It could all be gone tomorrow … what did you do with it today?
Not just the people who were physically with us on Saturday morning but also YOU. YOU who dug into your pockets and helped Team James and Jake meet and exceed it’s goal for 2010. All of you who have supported us and the March of Dimes… THANK YOU.
You helped to make this day glorious.
Only in dreams.
Posted by: | CommentsI miss them. I honestly do. I wake up at four in the morning and nurse Elijah and I think about how I never got to do this with James and Jake. I think about it with everything that we do, the first car ride, diaper changes, sponge baths, the Mommy-Baby naps on a sunny, Sunday afternoon.
Their loss brings sadness to me. Sometimes, when I have those moments that every Mom has after having a baby, the tears flow because of exhaustion but extra tears stream down for James and Jake.
But with the extra tears are extra smiles, extreme gratitude and moments of peace as the baby sleeps and breaths softly on my shoulder.
In two weeks, we will be honoring James and Jake by walking in the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. The walk is over six miles so I won’t be walking but family and friends will be walking – for them, remembering them. I’ll have Elijah is my arms, thanking God for this day that we have for dedicating to James and Jake. This day that we remember and honor them and hope to prevent anyone else from losing their babies, as we lost ours.
Team James and Jake has raised over $20,000 because of people JUST LIKE YOU. You, my readers, my friends, you people who love and who care and who know how sacred life is and how fragile carrying a baby can be. And maybe you’ve never lost, instead you just get how lucky you are.
Sometimes, I dream about what they would be doing right now, I dream about the relationship they would have with their older brother and sister, I dream about their little toes, their sameness and also what makes them unique.
Today and for the next few weeks, I’ll be asking you for donations to help ensure that ALL babies are born healthy, that all beautiful babies are given a chance to lay comfortably on their Mommy’s chest, to feel the sunshine on their soft skin and to grow up to be healthy and happy.
Every dollar, every single dollar makes a difference, I promise you, it does. If you are able, you can click here to donate. If you are unable to donate, please help me spread the word about Team James and Jake!
*For everyone that donates $50 or more, I will be sending you a Team James and Jake key chain, similar to what you see below as a thank you for your generosity. These key chains were generously made by Cameron at Create Beauty Daily.
*If you live in Northwest Indiana or the surrounding area, we would LOVE to have you join our team on April 24th in Valparaiso, Indiana. Anyone is welcome to join us – this is our day to dedicate to James and Jake! The event is inspirational and beautiful (and there’s fried chicken!) Click here to join our team!
Team James and Jake proudly walks in honor of so many babies who left this world too soon :
My nephew: Jonathan Davis Johnson
My niece: Grace Pauline Johnson
Lydia Grace Focosi
Allison Jane Nash
Mabel Love Segerman
and sweet baby Joel
Random Pieces
Posted by: | CommentsFirst, have you signed up to receive one of my birth announcements? Can I tell you how much I love that YOU can receive one? {yes you.} Tiny Prints did this for my friend, Megan, over at Velveteen Mind, when I received mine I was so thrilled. It just made me happy.
So, please feel free to sign up, don’t be shy. I love the idea of giving you back some of the love you all have given me during this pregnancy and beyond.
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Also, I posted here.
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And the winner of the Geezees Canvas Art giveaway is Jess! Congrats!
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This week has been a very, very difficult week for me emotionally. I can think of maybe 10 reasons why this may be the case but I think the biggest problem I am having is my lack of sleep. I just can’t sleep. It used to be a comfort issue now it’s a mind-racing issue AND a comfort issue. ”what do I need to do before he arrives, will he be healthy, will he go to the NICU? how will the kids adjust? how will we adjust? is this really real? is he with James and Jake right now?”
I think of that last thought often. I laid in bed last night, eyes closed, surrounded by pillows, listening to Brian breathe quietly. I wondered if James and Jake have been telling this baby things about their family like “Noah is going to teach you to play video games, he’s really good, so listen to him. (and you are going to love his belly laugh!) Anna plans to read stories to you every single day. (and wait until you see her beautiful eyes!) Mom is a sucker for baby noises, so coo a lot, she can’t get enough. And Daddy? He’s a big guy with a huge heart, he loves to snuggle with his babies, that makes him happy.”
It’s a lot to take in, a lot to think about. Our lives are changing forever, in a really good way but change is hard no matter who you are and as THE MOM I’m worrying a lot.
But I can handle this. I can handle the lack of sleep, I had it before and it was in a much more difficult situation.
I can handle the crying, the emotional toll. I’ve done it before but for a different reason, one that broke my heart.
And I can handle the worry of how this is going to affect my family … I’ve worried this before and we came out good. Better.
I’ve got this.
Sleepily. Painfully. Happily.
I’ve got this.
