I am so excited! And inspired! And moved! by all of the donations coming in, THANK YOU! Nearly $300 has been raised in just the past few hours – almost $500 more! C’mon, friends! Give up that coffee and support Team James and Jake. We are feeling your love!
You really are the best readers in the world.
The quick edition.
I’m sipping my coffee, which is cold and eating S’mores Pop Tarts. They are so good but I am joining Weight Watchers soon so the S’mores Pop Tarts are making a brief (and delicious) appearance in my life right now.
The week has improved. Compared to last week, I’d say this week is 60% better which says A LOT. My biggest frustration comes when I am nursing because he’s so hungry and gets so frustrated so easily, so what should be a pleasant nursing session turns into crying and screaming and clawing.
Eli cries, too.
This was happening before but not during every feeding but now it’s damn near every feeding.
It’s frustrating. REALLY. We have a follow up appointment with the lactation consultant this morning (which is why this is the quick edition), I’m scared and excited to see how Eli and I have done this week.
Team James and Jake is walking in the March of Dimes March for Babies tomorrow. I’m pretty excited about this event simply because it’s the only time of year where family and friends gather to show their love for James and Jake. I can’t believe it’s been over two years since we lost them. Seems like yesterday. Then again, seems like a lifetime ago.
I wish tomorrow would be just another Saturday with two twin boys running around our house and a newborn hanging out, too, while Anna and Noah run and play outside. To me, that is the most beautiful image, it’s my dream, my dream that will never come true.
So, instead, I’ll take tomorrow and all of the beauty and meaning that comes along with it. I’ll take it and love it with all of my heart and soul.
We haven’t reached our team goal, yet, which is okay, of course, I just wish we could raise more money for MORE research because how precious are our babies?
I’m wondering if you could give up one Starbucks coffee, one quarter pounder, anything, something small and donate to my walk?
I figured out that if a QUARTER of my visitors just donated FIVE DOLLARS TODAY … I would raise $2,000. Five dollars, that’s it.
Anyway, if you can, THANK YOU, your generosity means so much to me.
And to those who have already donated – THANK YOU SO MUCH! You amaze me! (don’t forget, if you donate $50 or more, you’ll receive a Team James and Jake key chain!)
It’s supposed to rain tomorrow during the six mile walk, which excites Anna to no end.
Finally, today is the last day that Brian will be home with me during the day. I realize how lucky I am that I have this great helper here during the day and for this long. He’s been home for four weeks, the last two weeks he’s been working from home. I know I’ll be okay but I have no idea how I’m going to swing the mornings getting Anna and Noah ready for school and, most likely, nursing Eli during that time. It’s going to be a challenge but I will manage. And secretly, I’m a little excited about it.
I’m hoping Eli and I will drop the kids off and come home and do lots of this:
That would be make me a very, very happy Mama.
Happy Friday, friends.
I miss them. I honestly do. I wake up at four in the morning and nurse Elijah and I think about how I never got to do this with James and Jake. I think about it with everything that we do, the first car ride, diaper changes, sponge baths, the Mommy-Baby naps on a sunny, Sunday afternoon.
Their loss brings sadness to me. Sometimes, when I have those moments that every Mom has after having a baby, the tears flow because of exhaustion but extra tears stream down for James and Jake.
But with the extra tears are extra smiles, extreme gratitude and moments of peace as the baby sleeps and breaths softly on my shoulder.
In two weeks, we will be honoring James and Jake by walking in the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. The walk is over six miles so I won’t be walking but family and friends will be walking – for them, remembering them. I’ll have Elijah is my arms, thanking God for this day that we have for dedicating to James and Jake. This day that we remember and honor them and hope to prevent anyone else from losing their babies, as we lost ours.
Team James and Jake has raised over $20,000 because of people JUST LIKE YOU. You, my readers, my friends, you people who love and who care and who know how sacred life is and how fragile carrying a baby can be. And maybe you’ve never lost, instead you just get how lucky you are.
Sometimes, I dream about what they would be doing right now, I dream about the relationship they would have with their older brother and sister, I dream about their little toes, their sameness and also what makes them unique.
Today and for the next few weeks, I’ll be asking you for donations to help ensure that ALL babies are born healthy, that all beautiful babies are given a chance to lay comfortably on their Mommy’s chest, to feel the sunshine on their soft skin and to grow up to be healthy and happy.
Every dollar, every single dollar makes a difference, I promise you, it does. If you are able, you can click here to donate. If you are unable to donate, please help me spread the word about Team James and Jake!
*For everyone that donates $50 or more, I will be sending you a Team James and Jake key chain, similar to what you see below as a thank you for your generosity. These key chains were generously made by Cameron at Create Beauty Daily.
*If you live in Northwest Indiana or the surrounding area, we would LOVE to have you join our team on April 24th in Valparaiso, Indiana. Anyone is welcome to join us – this is our day to dedicate to James and Jake! The event is inspirational and beautiful (and there’s fried chicken!) Click here to join our team!
Team James and Jake proudly walks in honor of so many babies who left this world too soon :
My nephew: Jonathan Davis Johnson
My niece: Grace Pauline Johnson
Lydia Grace Focosi
Allison Jane Nash
Mabel Love Segerman
and sweet baby Joel
The true meaning of “labor of love” came into fruition once again in my life when we walked today. Six miles is a really, really, REALLY long time. I’m not sure why they make the walk so long, but it is and although by mile three I thought my shoes had turned into hot burning coals below my feet, I still continued on because how could I not?
My feet have been up all afternoon, I have blisters on my feet and throbbing muscles in my legs, I’m tired and I have a sun burn. But we had Papa John’s and Miller Lite tonight and a day dedicated to our precious boys. I have to say, this day could not have been much better. (although, I wish we weren’t there at all, if you now what I mean.)
There were hundreds of people walking today, honoring someone, somewhere and it was unbelievably beautiful.
But my God, I wish I could put into words the love that I felt deep into my soul walking with so many amazing people. And not just walking side by side with these people, but also hearing the cheers from people via twitter & email and knowing that so many people expressed their love with a donation to our team.
I often wonder what I did to deserve losing James and Jake, did I give someone a dirty look? Did I lie? What did I do? Haven’t I always been a good person? But on the other hand? I also wonder what I did to be so loved by so many people.
When they died I never imagined that anything good could EVER come out of their deaths. And then I reflect on today and realize that these two boys, their spirit and their presence ARE the the good that came out of their death. It’s painfully beautiful.
It’s a gift. One that I hold very, very close to my heart. But not as close as the gift of so many people who really love James and Jake. Knowing THAT is what helps me sleep at night.
Speaking of sleep. That is just what I need right now.
Just look at this beautiful team.
There are TONS of photos from today’s walk right here. Please feel free to take a look and guess what? You can comment on the pictures which is just fun for everyone. And I have to warn you, there are so many pictures of me up there that I’m uncomfortable sending you over there, but I will anyway. You’re welcome.
I mean, I’m sorry.
____
Thank you for all of the love.
I wasn’t planning to get pregnant, but I did.
We never thought we’d find out we were having twins, but we did.
During that time, I wasn’t planning to become the happiest most grateful person on this earth, but I did.
I wasn’t planning on losing James & Jake.
But I did.
I never thought my heart could break into into a million little piece to never be the same.
But it did.
The funeral home, the memorial service, memorial cards, flowers, meals; I never thought those would be a part of my life. But they were.
I never thought my children’s ashes would sit on my dresser in my home. But they do.
I was JUST LIKE YOU, ONCE UPON A TIME. I didn’t know grief like I now know, I took my children and my pregnancies for granted, I thought that type of thing only happened to other people.
But that’s not true.
Tomorrow we walk for so much. For love, for hope, for missing, for dreams, for inspiration, for loss, for sadness, for gratitude. For life. We walk for James and Jake, Lydia, my niece and nephew, my dear friend’s daughter, Allison and for Madeline.
And for you. For you because you just never know what is going to happen. You never know when your life will be flipped upside down to never return to the place it once was.
By walking tomorrow, it is my goal to make sure you never know what you don’t know.
But just because you don’t know it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know about it. Donate to the cause. Appreciate the gifts in your life. Love with all of you heart.
I never thought I’d be part of a team, walking for our sons that would raise close to $18,000 in two years. But I am, and I’m so proud of that.
