It feels so silly to me that I am showing these pictures from that one day in our marriage when there are so many more pictures, BETTER pictures, that really portray us.  But this is our reminder of that first day that leads us to today.

Which is a really, really good day.

Well, do you remember or not?

The painting, if you recall, made me think of James and Jake the second I saw it.  My heart fell to my stomach, I felt the painting that much.

The interesting thing is that since moving into our new house, I have been searching for something to hang over our fireplace.  I have looked at decorating websites and flipped through magazines just trying to get an idea of what to do above the fireplace.  The one thing I did not want to do was hang a mirror, so, I went to every store ever created and shopped for the perfect print.

I knew that one day, that print would jump out at me and it did, at the furniture store.

But again, it was over $300.

But then, last week, when we went to Ikea, we found what could very well be the exact same print, sitting there, waiting for me to fall in love with it.  And I did.  All for $99.

Since we’ve been out of town since last Wednesday, I haven’t had a chance to hang it, but I did tonight.  I took the wrapping off of it and found a piece of paper about the painter.  Come to find out, the painter, has a twin brother.  Which makes me love the painting even more.

And tonight, we hung it.

And it’s perfect.

It was a typical wedding day. 

Do you ever wonder what you would do differently, if given a chance?  I typically don’t think of such things, as I do my best not to regret anything or question any decision I ever made in the past.  But this year?  If I could go back in time, I would tell that girl planning her wedding to keep it simple.

Since losing James and Jake, I see pictures of myself years, months, days before losing them.  And I want to cry out "watch out, tread carefully…life will not always feel this good."

I wish I could sit down with myself back when the wedding planning began, I wonder what I would say to myself? 

Just be simple.  Because years from now, life is not going to be simple, it’s going to be so difficult you’ll cry more tears than you ever did as a child.  And you won’t be crying because someone hit you or someone stole your stuffed dog, you’ll be crying because your heart will feel the most intense pain and loss you could have ever imagined.  Life will not be simple, it’s going to be hard.  You and your future husband will experience what it’s like to fight through a marriage, you’ll suffer a loss so huge you won’t know how to get out of bed each morning, but you will.  Because of him, because of your children.  Because you’re you.  The flowers, the cake, the dress, trust me, in the long run, those things do not matter.  What matters is you and him, joining hands forever, facing the future prepared for whatever bumps or valley or roadblocks lay ahead.  You’ll be together, arms locked, fingers intertwined.  I hope I have not made you fear your life together, by these warnings of sadness and grief, because there are many peaks, so much love and uncountable blessings.   

Just tread carefully and don’t be afraid to love with all of your heart and soul.

On this day, August 7th, 1999, the only thing that matters is what brought you here today, that and the life that lay ahead.

Oh and we did shop at Wal-Mart after dinner, but we went there for more alcohol and while I should not have gone there since I said I was breaking up with Wal-Mart last week, I can blame being drunk from the vodka filled cosmo and the glasses of red wine, or..uh, I mean, I was drunk from ALL OF THE LOVE. 

Yes, that’s more like it.

The night before our big drunk date our romantic celebration we were furniture shopping with the kids (which I only recommend to you if you like stabbing sticks in your eyes) and I found a BEAUTIFUL painting that I loved and that would look stunning above our fireplace, the only problem is that it was a few hundred dollars and if anyone knows Brian, you know that the only time he likes things that are a few hundred dollars are when it’s on a paycheck.  So, you can see where we tend to butt heads.  Especially when it means spending money on something that just sits there and looks pretty for years to come, he much prefers to spend that type of cash on say, a Wii or a vacuum cleaner or a lawn mower or sunglasses or computer wire, not that I blame him or anything.

But in MY defense, I do not commonly fall in love with artwork, in fact, I’m quite picky, but this particular piece took my breath away and it had a wonderful tree on it and it made me think of our James and Jake, it was peaceful and beautiful.  I thought about the sad day, years from now when our children would fight over who would get this phenomenal piece of art after my passing.  *sigh*

And let me back up a bit to stop and remind you that last week, I mentioned, in passing, that our washing machine was broken and well, it’s true, it was broken.  By Saturday morning the situation was turning critical as the laundry piles were building and the water that was sitting in the washer when it broke was still sitting in the same washer and well, standing water is never a good thing, unless it’s in an ocean and I’m sitting by it in a chair with a margarita and a flat stomach.

This was not the case.  So, Brian called the repair guy and he basically said "well, I’ll charge you $109 just to come out to your house and seven years ago you paid $350 for this washer, sooooooooooooooooo…just buy a new one."

Which I’m sure he meant from his store, but that just went right over our heads and instead of the family owned appliance store with excellent service, with whom I went to high school with their daughter, we decided to go to Best Buy.  Because, well, isn’t that where you go to buy a washing machine?

But, the salesperson at Best Buy was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC, (big shout-out to Best Buy coming….) not only did the person at Best Buy teach us about every single washer, he didn’t really care what we bought, because he doesn’t work on commission, so when he was helping us?  He was really helping us and it was amazing.  And then, on a Sunday, about 20 hours after we walked into Best Buy, I was washing a load of laundry in my brand new, front loading, very fancy and smart and efficient washing machine.  And to make matters even better?  I was actually sad when I was done with my laundry last night.  I’m not kidding.

I may actually re-wash my clothes, you know, for fun.

And Ariel?  Well, she watches the cycles like it’s the best Hannah Montana episode ever.

It’s awesome.

So, my point is, that washing machine?  Has suddenly turned into our anniversary present, which is terribly romantic and all, but seriously?  A washing machine? 

I know, we are overloaded with romance here at the folding laundry household, it’s just like the year we bought a house for our anniversary in 2003.

It’s the stuff Harlequins are made of.

But next year, we decided we are going to do something really amazing and different…we are going to buy the matching dryer. 

I honestly can’t wait.

(since many of you are asking…no, we did not get the artwork.)

I said almost. 

Either way, this sleeping thing is a pretty good gig.  I had forgotten how wonderful it was to lay down in bed and just fall asleep with no effort, or to wake up in the middle of the night to pee and lay back down and then fall asleep with ease, or to not even wake up at all to pee, which is what happened last night.  The last time that happened was when I was about six weeks pregnant way back in November. 

The new sleeping medicine has been fairly good to me, however, I’m still shaky and groggy through most of the day, including right now, I have an appointment with my g.p. today, we’ll see what medication he changes.

Since I have been finally sleeping, I have been in a better mood, which just delights Brian, and quite frankly, delights me, too.

This past Saturday night we did some shopping with our kids at The Big Mall.  I decided to try on some jeans at The Gap to see if purchasing a more expensive pair could potentially be worth the added cost.  Certainly spending thirty dollars more on a pair of jeans would mean a better fit, right?  I was really hoping to solve my denim dilemma, or at least throw in a second pair of jeans that I could hold off washing for weeks and weeks.  And weeks.

Into the dressing room I went with a pair of size 10 Long and Leans and a size 12 Long and Leans.  I tried on the size tens and I don’t think I could even button them.  I put on the size twelves and they fit me really well, just a tiny bit of my muffin poured over the top of the jeans, but I knew the jeans would stretch out a bit, as we discussed last week.  The jeans were particularly nice because they were mid-rise, as opposed to low-rise, which we all know that low-rise jeans were invented by the devil.

or a man.

I bought the jeans.  I wore them yesterday and within four hours, they were literally sliding off of my body.  LITERALLY, like, if I didn’t pull them up, the public would be exposed to my flabby, deflated belly. 

Sometimes I am so hot, I can hardly take it.

Now I’m stuck with these jeans which cost over SIXTY DOLLARS and I don’t know what to do.  I can’t even hide the jeans from Brian because he had to pay for them since I left my purse at home.  He heard the total and looked at me and I was all like "Look! a bird! over there!"  And I ran and hid behind one of the scrawny Gap mannequins, which did not do a good job of hiding me at all, because, you know, they’re scrawny, and well, I am not.

So, I just batted my eyelashes at him, which only reminded him that he just had to pay for my Clinique mascara. 

Am I stuck with these jeans, or not?  I want to return them, but it’s not like I could fit into the size tens, but would I have been able to if I wore them for a few hours?  Would they stretch that much?  Would The Gap even exchange them after I wore them?  They look ridiculous, I have to wear a belt, A BELT!.   I have to pull the belt so tight that the denim is bunching in front of me below the waist and in back of me, above my bottom.  Again, the hotness, I don’t know how you can even stand all of the hotness that happens on this blog.

Just tell me, what would you do in this situation…please.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven’t left one, please do, I’d love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn’t heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it’s been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don’t think I’m supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We’d spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven’t played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I’ve been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can’t remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don’t care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your
happy, fun times, when sadness wasn’t present, was a miracle from God. God is
truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This
cathartic potential has been present all along, and it’s only now sadly reaching
its true creation’s purpose. It’s so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald’s coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven’t already, tell me something about you, okay?

My doctor received the results from my holter monitor that I wore last week.  I should stop and tell you that my heart palpitations miraculously stopped last Friday.  Ever since then I have felt pretty normal.  The monitor recorded my heart rate for 24 hours and found that my heart had an irregular rhythm 14,775 times.  That’s a lot.  And although I do feel better, I go in for an echo cardiogram next week, just to make sure my heart is handling this increased blood volume okay.

Today I am 17 weeks, 4 days pregnant and I am measuring 21 weeks.

Tonight, the kids, Brian and I are going out to dinner to "celebrate" Valentine’s Day.  We also "celebrated" this past Saturday by taking the kids to see a movie for the first time ever.  We saw Alvin and the Chipmunks and they loved every single second of our time there.  It was worth the $40 we spent for the 90 minutes we were there.  At least, I think it was.  We would go to dinner tomorrow night but Brian is doing the most romantic thing tomorrow.  He is leaving for a business trip to San Francisco and leaving me alone, pregnant with twins, with the kids and a house on the market until Monday.  Just call him Casanova.

No, I’m not bitter.  Not bitter at all.

And then one dark day, the bookshelves were empty.

And there were piles of books all over the house.

The piles looked like this:

The "maid" of the house, her name is "Mommy", was deeply disturbed by the piles of books all over her home because she had just tucked them NEATLY on their bookshelves five days before.

So, to make herself feel better she bought these:

And the husband of the house, we’ll call him "Awesome", served Mommy a Devils Food Ice Cream Donut on top of a massive dainty pile of soft chocolate ice cream.

And pretty soon she forgot about the piles of books everywhere and they lived happily ever after.

The End.

I can remember when Brian presented to me, at some point in the mid to late nineties, the idea of e-mail.  He seemed excited and knowledgeable about the whole concept and I should have trusted him, especially since he was working towards a Computer Science degree, but I couldn’t help but feel suspect.  I thought he was trying to find a way to get out of sending these letters, but I reluctantly accepted his offer for him to create an e-mail address from some foreign service called Hotmail.  And we would send e-mails to each other.

And then we would receive them three days later.  I would sit down and check my e-mail and FINALLY, after checking for three days, over 100 times, there would be something in my inbox.  And it would say something like "did you get this?  isn’t it great?"  And that would be it.

That form of communication frustrated me and I needed to correspond with this love of mine as often as possible, so I asked that we still correspond by actually sitting down and writing letters.  And he complied because he’s wonderful like that.

And as you know, technology improved.  I remember the first time I felt like I was being stalked by technology.  We were newlyweds living in a high rise apartment in Chicago and I had run to Target.  Target to me was a brand new thing and I adored it and I remember on this particular occasion I had spent like $70.  I was freaking out that I had spent so much.  These days, if I spent only $70, Brian would send me a thank you card.  But back then, to me, I felt like I had just done something very, very wrong.

I walked into the apartment with my goods in my hands and Brian said "wow, I can’t believe you spent SEVENTY DOLLARS at Target." 

I froze and thought, "OH MY GOD, Target called him."

But no, he had checked his account on-line and in the ten minutes it had taken me to get home, his account was already telling on me.

It took me a long to to forgive his computer for ratting me out.  In fact, it took me a long to embrace technology.  Brian still laughs at me that when he first had a laptop and provided us with wireless access, I was all like "that’s just dumb, who needs to sit with a computer on their lap on the couch?  No, thank you!"

But he insisted and put it on my lap and it hasn’t left since.

Yes, things sure have changed, just yesterday I placed an enormous order with Amazon.com to help my Christmas shopping along and yesterday I received FIVE e-mails saying my items had shipped.

I appreciate these changes and advancements in technology, but what I appreciate most is having a box full of letters from Brian, sitting in a box in the basement that will last forever and ever. 

I’m truly grateful that I’m not ten years younger.

And thankfully, this year will be the easiest birthday so far.  No begging him to tell me what he wants, I won’t be needing to dash into Best Buy or Circuit City or even Barnes and Noble.

It’s all been taken care of it.  All I need to do is buy a cake from Coldstone Creamery and make dinner.

Because he bought his own gift in October.

A 56 inch gift.  It’s my most favorite birthday of his so far.  Maybe next year he’ll buy a finished basement.