I do plan to update my blog letting you know that he has arrived (okay, probably Brian will update) but I will be waiting to share his photo and his name until after the kids are able to come and meet their little brother after school.

I appreciate so much all of your prayers and excitement and anticipation.  This is so much fun for me, I hope for you, too.  I am nervous, of course, but mostly I am so excited to meet this wonderful boy, I am so excited for my family to meet him, so excited for him to be apart of ALL of our lives.  I just can’t believe the moment is nearly here.

The next time I see you, everything is going to be so different.  We just can’t wait.

and oh look!  His nursery!

I can’t wait to tell you about his nursery, about all of the special touches inside of it.  (that canvas up there?  Lovelyn painted.  FOR SERIOUS).  Anyway, I’ll share soon, I promise you.

Oh and your prayers and your love?  Rock our worlds.  THANK YOU.

Earlier today, Brian, the kids and I went to Target.  Brian took the kids to the cafe and they ate popcorn and drank red and blue icees while I started shopping.  I bought bright things for our house, things that screamed SPRING, things that made me think of renewal.  I know after the baby is born I’ll be spending a lot of time at home and I just know I’ll need these pieces of bright scattered throughout my house.  They already make me so happy.

I honestly can not believe that this pregnancy is almost over.  Last night I actually slept well, my schedule was much like a schedule that you have when you have a newborn, waking up every 2-3 hours but sleeping soundly in between, which is way more sleep that I’ve gotten in many weeks.

This morning, after waking up and having breakfast, I took a shower, I put my iPhone on my speakers in my bathroom and played the music loudly.  I danced in the shower at 39 weeks pregnant.  The music felt good, I felt so inspired to be 39 weeks pregnant, I reveled in the fact that I believe that pregnancy is a gift and not a death sentence, as other preggies sometimes feel.  I feel so happy that each day has felt like a blessing to me.

All 265 days that I’ve been pregnant.

And here we are, less than two days away.

I have loved this pregnancy so much.  I’m sad to be closing this chapter of the book, in less than 2 days, but I know with all of my heart that it was the best chapter that I could have written about this pregnancy.   And that makes me so happy.

And this next chapter?  Will be even better.

I drink a lot of water.

Anyway, today is the last day of Spring Break for the kids.  Brian is at work and is scheduled for a long day.  But that is only because he isn’t supposed to return to work until May 3rd.  He’ll be taking two weeks vacation and working from home for two weeks and this is good, very good.

(I can’t wait to see him see the baby for the first time.  I feel so lucky to be able to witness such an amazing moment.)

My body is very, very ready for this baby.  I have to imagine that if I weren’t having a c-section on Monday that labor would be soon after.  Yesterday they did a bio-physical profile on the baby, where they look at the fluid levels, how he’s breathing, how he’s moving, all sorts of good stuff.  They couldn’t even see his face because he is down so low.

Which means … OW.

Right now, as I sit in a comfortable chair, I can honestly say I can’t remember being much more uncomfortable than this in my life.  But it’s okay because I have no choice.  IT’S JUST OKAY.

In a few minutes I’m going to make lunch for the kids and then we are going waddle to our favorite cupcake shop.  Well, they’ll run, I’ll waddle, maybe crawl, maybe just sit at the front door begging someone to bring cupcakes to us.  Either way, THEY WILL HAVE CUPCAKES.

I had plans to pick up a few spring-y things for the house, but right now the last thing on my mind is spring-ifying my house.  I feel my mood suddenly shifting, it probably has to do with the pressure on my bladder and pubic bone (and back and legs), either way, I leave you with this.

I can’t wait to see the three of them wearing these together.    I bought these from this Etsy shop – I LOVE them.

So, please feel free to sign up, don’t be shy.  I love the idea of giving you back some of the love you all have given me during this pregnancy and beyond.

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Also, I posted here.

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And the winner of the Geezees Canvas Art giveaway is Jess!  Congrats!

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This week has been a very, very difficult week for me emotionally.  I can think of maybe 10 reasons why this may be the case but I think the biggest problem I am having is my lack of sleep.  I just can’t sleep.  It used to be a comfort issue now it’s a mind-racing issue AND a comfort issue.  ”what do I need to do before he arrives, will he be healthy, will he go to the NICU?  how will the kids adjust?  how will we adjust?  is this really real?  is he with James and Jake right now?”

I think of that last thought often.  I laid in bed last night, eyes closed, surrounded by pillows, listening to Brian breathe quietly.  I wondered if James and Jake have been telling this baby things about their family like “Noah is going to teach you to play video games, he’s really good, so listen to him. (and you are going to love his belly laugh!)  Anna plans to read stories to you every single day. (and wait until you see her beautiful eyes!)  Mom is a sucker for baby noises, so coo a lot, she can’t get enough.  And Daddy?  He’s a big guy with a huge heart, he loves to snuggle with his babies, that makes him happy.”

It’s a lot to take in, a lot to think about.  Our lives are changing forever, in a really good way but change is hard no matter who you are and as THE MOM I’m worrying a lot.

But I can handle this.  I can handle the lack of sleep, I had it before and it was in a much more difficult situation.

I can handle the crying, the emotional toll.  I’ve done it before but for a different reason, one that broke my heart.

And I can handle the worry of how this is going to affect my family … I’ve worried this before and we came out good. Better.

I’ve got this.

Sleepily.  Painfully.  Happily.

I’ve got this.

(reason 1,432 why I love my doctor.  She thinks of things like that.)

It was a hard visit, I mean, HARD.  I remember at that point feeling so emotionally drained and physically tired that I could not figure out how I could have a real conversation with this doctor.  This doctor who delivered James and Jake so carefully.

Anyway, Brian and I knew we wanted to get pregnant again and honestly, we wanted to do it immediately, but we wanted to be smart.  We wanted to be emotionally ready.  We wanted to give time to us and Anna and Noah for grieving.  And we wanted to give this time to James and Jake.

We picked up one of those wheels, the kind that tell you when you’re ovulating and menstruating and then when you’re baby will be due.  It’s actually quite freakish the amount of information that exists on one of those things.

We decided, that if we were ready, that we would try to get pregnant, that year in July.  ”An April baby would be perfect.”

Come that July … we just were not ready.  And after another pregnancy loss in February 2009, we decided to get advice medically on what we should do.  And that led us to July of 2009.  We had an appointment with our specialist in Chicago, we were scheduled for an appointment with her after she had thoroughly reviewed our health history, pregnancy history, families, blood draws, tissues samples … anything and everything that could shed some light on our reproductive past, present and future.

We entered the appointment, so nervously, not knowing what to expect.

She sat us down and said “you should try again…and make it quick, you ovulate next week.”

And so we did.  And even though it was a different year, we were right, an April baby is going to be perfect.  (or March 29th.  Whatever.)

(photo by Love.)

Last week, if you recall, I spent the weekend cleaning, cleaning to the point of crying because my body hurt so bad but I just couldn’t stop.  Well, this weekend was the opposite because my body is done.  I am exhausted and in pain and my uterus is always tight and I’m just done, it’s just time for me to sit.  or lay down.

ALL DAY LONG.

And now, my house?  It is suffering.

So, when I get up (to pee or for food) and I see the state of my end table in my living room?  I become so frustrated.

(showing you this photo PAINS me, but if I can show you a picture of me in my underwear, well, I can show you anything.)

(and make no mistake…this is not the only mess.  Oh, it so is not.)

So, where there is only one week left of this awesome pregnancy, one week left until we meet, hold, love, kiss, smell, snuggle and feed this tiny little blessing, well, it will be a week of me trying not to lose my mind with all of the things that “need” to be done, all of the things that I’m just too tired to tackle.  (oh and my kids are on spring break which makes the whole trying to clean the house and keep it clean?  IMPOSSIBLE.)

I’m trying to focus on other things.

Like, how I only have a week to eat as many buffalo chicken sandwiches, as possible.

How I only have a week to have mornings where I can eat breakfast … three times.

How I could, potentially, ask Brian to bring me my favorite Coldstone concoction, but never, ever do.

or how I seriously think I could live off of cookies dunked in milk and some good ol’ sausage for the next week.

Man.  I love food.

But the food can only distracts me for so long.

The mess wins.

damnit.

Our date will consist of breakfast, either with chocolate chip pancakes or a cheese omelette (which would you choose?), a trip to the chiropractor for me, a visit to Target and then to Old Navy.  One of my goals today is to get all of our Easter shopping done since I’ll be busy the week before Easter mothering a newborn.  The other goal is to not spend a lot of money, things feel so financially tight around here, I need to be careful!

I’m feeling extra crampy today, particularly in my lower back and abdomen.  I find it exciting that my body is preparing for labor, even though I will not have a vaginal delivery.  I found out the details of BIRTHDAY yesterday and it has made me very excited.

Oh and the baby’s room is nearly 100% complete.  I’ll be sharing with you next weekend.  (when it’s 100% complete.)

We’ve had amazing weather this week, as I sit I can hear birds singing outside.  They must be so happy to be back in our area, there is so much singing!  Yesterday, I took the kids to the park with my friends and their kids and everyone else in the world and their kids and it was nice, a little chilly, but the sun was vibrant and the children’s laughter and screams were wonderful to hear.  Tomorrow is spring!

All of this sunshine is needed because this week has taken an emotional toll on my family.  My brother Dan, left last night for his fourth (YES, FOURTH) tour to Iraq.  Dan is an amazing man.  Awesome brother, son, husband, Dad.  He has three kids.  He’ll be gone for one year and my heart, it aches.  All of our hearts ache.

I wish you could meet him, he really is one of the funniest guys on earth (and becomes even more hilarious when he’s around his identical twin brother, Dave), the most generous, he has the biggest heart and takes every role in his life very seriously.  (he is also responsible for my interest in photography.)  I guess this is what makes him such a great soldier, a highly-decorated Major in the Army.

As much as I want this year to go so slow with the baby coming and growing so quickly, I want to snap my fingers and be resting safely on March 19, 2011, knowing that his arrival back home is imminent.  And knowing that he is safe.

We could use your prayers for his safety, his heart, his wife’s heart and for their kids.  They are all SO STRONG, but we could all use the extra prayers, if you have them.  (and please, if you have the chance, could you leave some words of encouragement with my Mom? Your words may seem small, but the impact is immeasurable.  This, I promise you.)

Give extra hugs this weekend, love extra hard.

That’s an order.

So, I’ll leave it at uncomfortable.  I’m also feeling grateful, which is nothing new, but now I’m grateful knowing that I am about to end the healthiest pregnancy I have ever had.  That, in itself, makes me want to sing to the world.  And I probably would if I wasn’t so tired.

But I am so tired.

I’m also grateful that during a dinner out with Lovelyn, Erin and Stephanie last night (BUFFALOCHICKENSANDWICHES – also the reason why I did not live-blog Idol, SORRY!) they made me feel so much better about my discomfort.  Erin, could commiserate, Lovelyn told me how she cried at night and Stephanie would continue to say “YOU’RE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY.”

{And then they’d all take a drink of their fancy, awesome margaritas and giggle because margaritas are awesome and I want one but really I want like ten.}

Anyway, it’s what I needed to hear, I hate complaining but I’m having a hard time not complaining.  I find myself apologizing to Brian for complaining and apologizing to my friends for complaining and then not liking myself very much for complaining and I realize the end is near but that doesn’t help my back RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

But it does help when I see each of my friends for the first time individually last night and each of them says “you look so cute.”  And I groan at them because how could I possibly look cute and then Lovelyn says “just say thank you” and I say “maybe tomorrow” and she laughs and says “okay.”

Even though I wasn’t very comfortable last night, I was very comfortable last night.  (ten margaritas would have been helpful, too, but you know how that goes.)

Anyway.

Yesterday, I was 37 weeks, 3 days and I looked like this:

When I showed the picture to Brian, I asked him if it did me justice and he replied with “NOT AT ALL.”  So, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination.

But with every inch I scrubbed, I found another that needed it, every cabinet I reorganized there are seven more that are in complete disarray…you get the picture.

So, my nesting instinct?  Was stressful.  And painful.  But I’m still glad it came because this house needed it…BADLY.

I’m not sure how much more uncomfortable I can get, hopefully this is the extent of it.  I feel things on my pelvis bones that I have never felt before.  This child is nestled in exactly where he needs to be.

I can finally grasp how big he really is, just by his movements, I always joke that he just took his first step, while in utero, his movements are so severe and dramatic.  So unbelievably beautiful.

I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting this weekend, (while cleaning, of course) and I can’t believe this journey is almost over for us.

Except then I realized, this journey is truly just beginning … there is so much more ahead for our little family and for this beautiful boy and potentially more children in the future … it’s exciting and mind blowing and I can’t wait for tomorrow to come but I’m also SO happy with the current moment I’m living in.

Feet in the ribs in all, it’s all so good.   Everything happens so fast.  We just want to take it all in, as calmly and as purposefully as possible.

It seems like just yesterday that the baby in my belly, who is now compared to a watermelon, was once the size of a pea and we had no idea where this road take us …

MIRACULOUS.

It’s a beautiful union.

Speaking of food, this week I was able to enjoy a Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich from Chili’s.  I had only had a bite or two of one before in my life and it didn’t really do anything for me.  But this pregnancy, I seem to enjoy THE HOT AND SPICY, the spicier, the better and could not get one of those sandwiches off of my mind.

On Monday, I looked at Brian with big, puppy dog eyes and said “honey, darling, sweetest husband in the world, you know I rarely play the pregnancy craving card but I must have a Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich from Chili’s as soon as possible, or else I’m certain I will die.”

He smiled and said “whatever you want.”

So off we went and when my plate arrived in front of me, my mouth?  IT WATERED.  And I ate every last bit of that sandwich and can not wait to have another.

Like soon.  Maybe now.  Also, would love a beer with it.  YES.  A BEER.

I need to change directions, food is way too important to me right now and I can’t seem to focus on anything else…let’s see what else is going on?  Pubic bone pain, not sleeping, backaches, bursts of energy, allofthedischarge, swollen feet, not sleeping, NST’s, Braxton Hicks …

hmmmm…

there is a baby who is going to be living with us in just a few short weeks.  Last night, the four of us were hanging out in the baby’s unfinished-but-soon-to-be-finished nursery.  The kids were playing catch with a hippo (not a real hippo, I stuffed one), Brian was laying on the floor and I was sitting on the glider.  I said “friends, do you realize that in three weeks from today, our family of five could be hanging out in this very room….TOGETHER?”

It was an exciting thought.  (actually, exciting feels like such an obvious word … it was a beautiful thought.  Amazing.  Magical.

Forget it.  There is not a word to describe it.

We just can’t wait to bring him home and create our life as a family of five.

I leave you with a picture of the three of us, while watching TV one night.