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This baby.

March 9th, 2010

I have this baby in my belly. He makes me nervous and anxious and fearful. Except he isn’t the one making me feel that way, it’s life and our past and I’m trying to move past those feelings except it’s hard because IT’S JUST HARD.

This baby, we found out yesterday, weighs 6 pounds 15 ounces already. I think it’s funny that Brian and I both kind of feel like he’s a tiny little peanut where everyone else, (doctor, ultrasound tech) says BIG BABY. He is set to arrive in 20 days.

20 days isn’t much considering it’s only twenty days and during that time the kids are off for spring break and that’s only like six American Idol episodes and only 19 more sleepless nights with ridiculous amounts of drool with tissue sticking to my face.

My doctor asked if the baby knows his name. ”Does Supervisor know his name?” We were caught off guard. Does he? I looked at Brian and we both sort of shrugged and said “Maybe? We don’t know.” And she said “teach him his name, call him by his name…everything is going to be alright.”

And that made me feel better, for a moment, because how does she really know?

{I’m working on trust. I’m trusting her. God. and James and Jake to continue to provide us with the faith they have so far.}

Last night, Brian, Anna, Noah and I sat on the couch watching Yo Gabba Gabba. (it was a good one with Weird Al Yankovic and Sarah Silverman…yes, I know some of you think it’s a strange show. I like strange…I like that my kids like strange, too.)

Anyway, we sat and Anna sat next to me and soon her arm sat on my belly in such a way, like she was just making sure that this baby was moving the way he was supposed to. and he was and she thinks that means that he likes her and can’t wait to meet her.

I’m sure she’s right.

We like him and can’t wait to meet him. In just 20 days.

{and right now, as I’m about to hit publish, this baby has the hiccups – those make me so happy.}

36 weels

Friday Morning Coffee

March 5th, 2010

By my calculations, including this post, I could have only four more Friday Morning Coffees before the baby is born. Every week is flying by so fast that I can barely keep up. I just had the realization the other day that my belly shots will soon be ending.

I love taking my belly shots. (when there is a baby in my belly, otherwise? Not so much fun.)

Nearly two weeks ago, I was at my 34 week check-up when the doctor measured the size of my uterus. (that is what she’s measuring, right?) Anyway, she held the measuring tape and her face looked incredibly perplexed. I asked her point blank “HOW BIG?”

“Well, you should be measuring 34 and you are measuring THIRTY-EIGHT.”

Oh dear. (or Oh shit, I can’t remember which one. Either way, there was lots of sweat involved not just in hearing this latest burst of growth but also lots of sweat because getting up from that position is like a circus act.)

I’m just letting you know that there is a slight chance that this baby will be born slightly sooner than March 29th. I base this only on the fact that Noah, who NOW is all cute and normal sized, was ten pounds…AT 38 WEEKS.

Which is why they took him early.

So, it’s possible that Maxwell Hammer or Supervisor or Tiny Big Friend of Ours (all of our names for him) could make his appearance slightly sooner than 39 weeks and 3 days. (You know how little brothers like to be like their big brothers.)

I will know more after a very exciting ultrasound and OB appointment late Monday afternoon.

IN OTHER PREGNANCY NEWS:

My drool problem is serious. I’m pretty sure there should be a study on me. The fact that I’m not severely dehydrated after waking up in the morning makes me a MEDICAL MARVEL. The drool, spreads like a river with tributaries and BARGES. Yes, BARGES. I have stopped using my hand to clean up the disgusting mess and have just moved to using my sheets and blankets and last night I pictured myself sleeping with kleenex taped to my face and BEING HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Or maybe a SHAMWOW! Yes. I must go to Walgreens and buy a SHAMWOW!

It’s bad. It’s not cute and I can not wait for the drooling to end.

So, I’ll leave you now, with the vision of drool in my ears and hair while I head to the chiropractor, go to my final hair color appointment before baby is born and schedule a bikini wax before it’s too late.

Do not even get me started on that. Just say a prayer. Not for me, for the poor soul who will be sore after my visit.

Daydreams

March 1st, 2010

It was like one of those mornings that you read about in a book or a magazine, depicting a perfect scene at home, on a weekend morning.

One boy off playing, my husband just made us breakfast of french toast sticks with sprinkled powdered sugar, my daughter ate at the table, I ate on the couch, sitting with coffee and orange juice.

I wonder, now, what my daughter was thinking about while eating her breakfast because soon after she finished she retrieved many toys from upstairs and the basement and gathered them into the kitchen. I picture her daydream being one of big plans and many shapes and colors.

She played for so long – it was interesting to me the detail and care she put into her play. She would often break out into a Taylor Swift song, almost as if she forget her parents were nearby.

She just played.

play

Finally, after almost an hour, I sat on the kitchen floor with my camera. This is no small feat as my belly is now the size of a small pickup truck. As soon as I sat, I wondered how I would get up.

She noticed me across the way and began explaining her city to me. The garbage trucks and the homes and the apartments. It was interesting to me; she reminded me what it was like to be little and young and that play is so good and so vital.

I soon had Brian help me up because I actually felt like working in the house. I wanted to clean and set up the baby’s room. It felt right and it felt so good to be doing things.

So, I let her play.

And I began my own kind of play. Going through baby clothes and new purchases and picturing what this boy (it’s so hard for me not to use his name) will look like in these little tiny monkey shoes, how he will smell, what his skin will feel like against mine.

I spent a lot of time daydreaming.

Probably a lot like my daughter, as she ate breakfast.

35 weeks

Nest Feathering

February 28th, 2010

NestFeathering_PostImage

I’m sitting on the couch, looking down at my enormous baby belly. Even though it’s enormous, I still can’t believe there is a baby in there big enough to be born in just one month.

I’m amazed that we have spent so much time during this pregnancy counting up and now suddenly…we are counting down.

We are preparing.

Yesterday? We bought diapers.

and I opened them and marveled at the TEENY-TINY SIZE. I showed them to the kids and to Brian and we all said “awwww” and “how cute” and one of the kids may or may not have hugged the diaper.

(For a really long time.)

And now? To add more reality to our lives … Stephanie, my best friend, my sweet, caring, beautiful, old-lady hippy friend, who would go to the ends of the earth for anyone, an incredible Mom, wife, FRIEND … she is hosting a virtual shower for me. For this baby…for my family.

I know she has put so much work into this. All of the companies involved have generously donated items for me … but also for a lucky reader. That’s right, everything I am receiving from this “good new-fashioned shower” a lucky reader will receive the same item. (it’s like we’ll be sisters!) (or brothers!)

It’s like a big nest of BABY and LOVE and HOPE and OHMYGOD, just pure awesomeness.

So, go here and read how the shower works and also see all of the amazing and generous companies (big & small!) who are involved. Then check back many times a day from today until March 6th to enter to win SO MANY ITEMS. Also, almost everything that she is showing you, is what I picked out, it’s EXACTLY what I’ll be receiving. (but much of it, you’ll get your own choice.)

Also, please feel free to add the cute little button onto your sidebar (share the love with your expecting friends and readers!), Stephanie has the codes on her site at the bottom of this post.

(That cute little button and the shower name were created by my fabulous best friend, @sarahviola. She is pure brilliance, don’t you think?)

Thank you again to Stephanie, I never take for granted that you are in my life and thank you for loving this baby and for showing me TRUST since the moment you found out I was pregnant. I’ve needed you so much during this time, which has really been the greatest gift of all. (ILY,M)

Gratitude

February 23rd, 2010

Never in a million years did I think my post from yesterday would create such a buzz, I never dreamed that so many of you would leave your heartfelt comments filled with support and I never, ever dreamed that I’d leave it up as the top post for so long.

Lord have mercy, I have got to move the photos down of me in my underwear. GAH.

In all seriousness, I am overwhelmed by all of the love you all showed me yesterday. I honestly feared 7 comments, some of them saying something like “aw, don’t feel bad, I have tons of cellulite, too.” or “I like the color of your walls.” or “what does your husband think about these photos being on your blog.”

But no, I received nothing but support from you amazing people and I am humbled and feel so fortunate to have this outlet. (that I love, because of you.)

(by the way, my husband was very supportive.)

Moving in another direction but still baby related, (I’m pretty sure every post will be baby related from now until three years from now. You have been warned)

We have this for the baby’s room:

owl

I bought it off of Etsy (will link to it when I reveal the nursery that I may or may not finish. EVER.) This owl sits inside the baby’s crib, which sits inside the baby’s room. The room that is painted and just waiting for me to fill it with gliders and pictures and diapers and good smelling baby clothes…

Except I can’t. I can’t do anything. The bedding is sitting in a bag beside the crib. The newborn clothes are sitting in a bag, all fresh and folded (thanks to my sister, Sarah) and waiting to be placed in drawers. I walk into his room and I am paralyzed by fear. Fear that the room I am in will never actually meet this baby that RIGHT NOW is either standing, walking or break dancing inside of my belly. (I can’t tell which but HE IS SO BUSY.)

It’s a real fear. I huge anxiety for me and I am working with and am being treated by doctors for this. It hurts my heart because I want to believe … I want to believe so badly but history and my heart are stopping me with massive, ugly, barricades.

I’m hoping to force myself through, I need to do this room, not to be that person who is TOTALLY READY FOR THE BABY but to prove to myself and my heart and my kids that it’s okay to believe and dream and to have faith.

and to trust. Trust is what I need to do.

My hope is that tomorrow (or the next day or the next day) I’ll be able to pick up some baby items for his room that will help me take steps closer to chipping away at this stupid anxiety that has such a grip on my weary soul. I’m pretty sure I can beat it, but I do know that if I can’t beat it now, I most certainly will when there is a baby in my arms.

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