I’m not even that picky about ice cream.  Give it to me straight up or on the rocks, in a waffle cone or in a bowl, covered in hot caramel?  Sign me up.

I think it’s something I’m passionate about, I think ice cream should be a part of everyone’s lives.  This Friday, I’m hosting a 31 Gifts Party (live in my area and want to come, email me!).  I’m having an ice cream bar.

Because THAT MAKES SENSE.

Anyway, this past week was really hard.  Nothing went right, I felt like I was constantly fighting with my kids and my husband.  My heart felt broken, my spirit; shattered.

And on Saturday, I didn’t have any ice cream.  For the first time in weeks.

I laid in bed, after crying into my pillow for a long time that night, thinking about how hard life is sometimes.  I realized I had gone ice cream-less all day.

I cried even harder.

{woe is me.  I know.}

While tears fell on my pillow, I prayed (begged) to God for grace the following day.  I asked Him to give me strength, to be a bigger person, to not always WANT, to GIVE more.  I also asked for a way for me to be ME again.  To be happy and in love, not just with my kids but also with my husband.  I asked Him to help me to be less angry but I also asked that my family GIVE more, too.  (it’s only fair.)

I can’t say everything is solved.  Because, my goodness, it’s not.  But the tears stopped and I’ve felt more happiness than I have in a long time.  And not just because of decisions and prayers on my end, but also decisions and prayers from those I live with, it’s a work in progress.

On Monday and Tuesday, I made up for it and had ice cream twice.  (I also felt and saw a whole lot of love and smiles, too.)

Last week, Stephanie, Lovelyn, Rhonda and I all met for ice cream at a local parlor.  Our kids were so hyper and honestly, driving us crazy.  And then Gray fell and lost his ice cream.  He was so sad.  But he sat down and continued to eat his chocolate waffle cone despite the tears and the sadness.  This little four year old taught me a serious lesson.

Some moments are bad, some are good, either way, things are better with ice cream.

***

This week, I lost 1.6 pounds.

Back to picking outfits for the day when I love the way I look, I’ve decided to go with beachwear this week.  This is me.

I like it.

Today, I nursed him and laid him back down at six and then I laid down and fell asleep HARD CORE.  He woke up at seven crying his tiny little head off.  I still can’t figure out why.  I’m thinking maybe a belly ache?  I nursed him and that relaxed him and then he had two explosions in his diaper.

We have been putting him in this new chair (new for him) and he loves it.  That’s how I’m able to write right now.  He stares at it likes it’s an alien and then he kicks his legs like crazy.  It’s unbelievably adorable.  I already feel like he’s growing up too quickly.

Today is the first day of summer vacation.  I feel like I should feel like a bad Mom because right now Noah is playing Wii and Anna is on the computer and it’s only 8:38 in the morning.  But I don’t actually feel like a bad Mom because I know once they make their beds and brush their teeth, they’ll go outside and play all day long.

Anna has a birthday party today at the neighbor’s house.  They have a pool and water scares me.  I’ve made plans with Stephanie, we are taking our kids on a picnic and a walk while Anna’s at the party, I’m so nervous leaving her there.  (she can’t swim)

Brian tells me I need to loosen my strings a little, that I bring so much stress on myself just with worry.  I can’t help it, I get it from my Mom.

So far today, Anna has asked me at least 25 questions and she’s been awake for 70 minutes.  That’s a lot of questions to ask someone who doesn’t have a lot of patience today.  We bought her a new bathing suit and face mask last night.  She wants to put them on right now for a party that’s in three hours.  I’m tempted to let her just for the sake of peace.

Don’t you hate it when you don’t have patience?  It’s like you know you don’t have patience, you know you don’t like not having patience but you just don’t know how to get the patience.

Anna keeps talking to me about the party, like right now, as I type.  She’s trying on her bathing suit right now.  I just gave her permission to keep it on for awhile, for the sake of peace.  Eli is getting fussy and now I’m wondering how I’m going to get through the day without any patience.

I mean, I know I’ll get through it, but I’d like to do it somewhat gracefully, you know?  So far?  That’s not happening.

ANYWAY, this weekend is the first weekend in a really long time without any plans.  I hope it stays that way.  We plan to start the weekend out by cleaning the house tomorrow morning.  I have this deep desire to make my house lighter, to fill up bags for Goodwill and give stuff away via Freecycle and also to throw things away.  We have too much stuff.

I feel like I’ve tortured you with my ramblings.

By the way, this piece of crap post took me over two three hours to write.

I need some tylenol.

I hope your weekend is better than this post.

I’m so far from perfect that it’s hysterical and yet, sometimes, after I write a post to all of you, I think “gosh, I sound so…’on’ all of the time.”

The truth is, I’m not always positive, I’m sometimes grouchy, I always procrastinate, I sleep too much, I eat too much, I don’t eat my veggies, I sometimes go to bed angry, Brian and I do argue, he sometimes IS right (shhhhh….), I don’t hug my kids enough and I’m terrible with money.

Remember on Friday when I was like “hey, this weekend I’m going to show you a handmade project that ANYONE can do?“  Well, guess what?  I did it on Saturday and SCREWED IT UP.  No lie.  So…there’s that, too.  (don’t worry, it’s still coming to you, just with better instructions than what I received.)

*phew*  I feel better.

Also?  I never say “phew.”

The thing is…I KNOW that you guys don’t care.  My husband doesn’t care, my kids don’t care, my friends don’t care…so why do I?

I don’t know…but I’m working on it.

s.l.o.w.l.y …

I’ll begin working on it as soon as I finish this bowl of cocoa puffs as I sit on the couch with laundry just SITTING in my dryer.

Then I’m off to my son’s school because he forgot his lunchbox in the car.  {he’s not perfect either!}

BUT THEN…

we got sick.  And we didn’t want to expose the beloved grandparents to this horrid flu, so we decided to make the meal a little bit more simple.

So, we ordered pizza and luckily I made the guacamole (easy recipe below) before the GREAT FLU FEST OF 2009 overtook our cozy home.  Although it wasn’t quite the feast we had prepared, it was still delicious (hello?  IT’S PIZZA!) and we had fun.  We sat in the living room using just paper towels as our plates and we played Uno and Zingo and read (a ton of) books.

It was perfect.  In it’s own special, very mucous-y, yet delicious way.

Because I’m all about the sharing, here is this recipe for fresh guacamole…IT IS YUM.

3 very ripe avacados
3 roma tomatoes (gently core inside, then dice)
1 large lime
red onion (use about a 1/4 of a cup, when not pregnant, I love it and I dice it up real nice, when I’m pregnant, OHMYGOD it’s evil and shall not even enter my home)
1 hot pepper (or jalapeno pepper) slice and dice as much as you wish.  The more you use, the kickier the guac.
Green onions (finely chopped…again, add as much as you’d like, I typically add 1/2 cup)
2 garlic gloves
1/2 a bunch of cilantro (finally chopped)
salt and pepper to taste

Mix together and dip your chips.  Enjoy!

This post was sponsored by Viva Towels. For fun, fork-free recipes – including videos – and snappy entertaining ideas, get over to the VIVA® Diva Café.

I have to clean my whole house by 11:00 today because I asked my cleaning lady to come back after having to say goodbye to her in an effort to save money before summer started.

Yes, I clean my house before my cleaning lady comes…it makes sense.  Yes it does. She can’t clean my bathtub if it’s full of clothes.  Not that mine is full of clothes. *cough*

On my way to dropping the kids off at school today, I plugged in my iPhone to the audio system in the car and played a song that I had in my mind and I really listened to the words and it nearly brought me to my knees with it’s lyrics.  It was my life.  It is my life.  I finished the song and felt refreshed and not alone and Anna said “will you play that song again?”

I wonder if she had the same experience, although, probably, hopefully, not as heavy.

Tomorrow, Brian and I are heading to our favorite little town in Indiana to spend four days with my sister and her husband.  This is the eighth year that we have done this trip and it just gets better and better.

No kids.  No responsibilities. No cooking.  No laundry.  Just ice cream.  Pizza.  Shopping.  And for the husbands:  beer and golf.  We share a condo…it’s literally BLISS.

I’ve been more emotional about things this week than I have been throughout this entire pregnancy.  Not that I sit around crying all of the time, although I did while watching flash mobs on You Tube yesterday, it’s just that I’m feeling things more deeply than I have been.  It’s possible I’m feeling again because I’ve cut back on my prozac significantly.  I always felt that prozac was like a concrete barrier that prevented me from ever going to “that place.”  It’s like a great protector…but also, sometimes that place needs to be visited.

I took Noah to the dentist on Wednesday, somehow, the conversation with the hygienist led to losing James and Jake, which is so strange because it’s not something I bring up with people I don’t know, but it couldn’t be prevented.  So, I shared.  I’m glad I did.  She asked me questions, real questions, it was a good moment.   To recognize their place in our lives feels good.

It’s interesting to me that two little boys who were so small and who were here for such a small portion of time, can impact us FOREVER and SO DEEPLY.

I am so grateful for them.

I probably won’t be around much until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday, but I’ll try to pop in when I can.  My sister, Sarah, is 28 weeks pregnant and she and I are doing a maternity shoot for her, so maybe I’ll come by and show you how wonderfully cute she is.

She is so cute.

I’m off to begin my day…THIS DAY that is so remarkable and beautiful, I’ll be sure to live it because that’s what it’s here for…I’m hoping you do the same.

One night, I even stayed up until 12:24 IN THE MORNING.

I know.

My life, oh this crazy life of ours, will hopefully be returning to normal tomorrow.  So much happened this weekend beyond the funeral, (which was perfect, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers), so much good but also so many bad, negative things that make my heart hurt.  Things I can not speak of here because it’s not mine to tell.  It’s just not good.

Today felt lighter and brighter, despite the rest of my family heading back to their home all over the United States.  I miss my brothers and sisters and their wives and husbands and kids so much.  I hate living so far away from them.    This afternoon, I took a beautiful nap, I was so tired and slept so hard.

Pregnancy, death, drama, trauma, it’s all so exhausting.

So, tomorrow we return to the mounds and mounds of laundry, school lunches, grocery shopping, homework, school forms that we are endlessly filling out and regular life…I’m ready for it.  I am so ready for it.

This family of mine is out of sync.  I blame it on school starting and both of the kids being gone ALL DAY LONG for the first time ever and now I’d like to take a moment and blame our van because the transmission went out yesterday.

It’s not worth fixing.

Which means one thing:  we must buy a new vehicle.

Brian took off of work today and he and I searched all day long while the kids were in school, and then again after they got home.  We haven’t purchased anything but we are close.  Today was frustrating and mind boggling and completely exhausting.  Fortunately, we starting looking about a month ago, so we have a lot of looking and comparing under our belts.  Unfortunately, we are sick of looking.

I’m actually feeling quite badly about not giving the kids any downtime today.  They got home from school, did their homework and after twenty minutes, we drove ourselves to the south side of Chicago, which was…INTERESTING.  One of the cars that we were most excited about was situated in a very strange, very scary location.  I may or may not have thought we were going to be mugged TWICE while looking at cars.

It was fun.  No really.  it was.

We’ve narrowed it down to three vans.

The first had a full cigarette sitting in the back of the car.

The second had a notebook with a child’s writing on it that had “I will not play with fire.  I will not play with fire.” written over and over and over again tucked inside the glove compartment.

And the third not only smelled like dirty socks, but happened to have dirty socks underneath the stow and go seats.

Which would you choose?

Stupid used cars.

The next day, also known as Wednesday, also known as the first day of school, at 7:40 pm., an F2 tornado hit.

The second day of school was cancelled.

Any one of my friends will tell you that I am a weather freak.  I’m always letting them know of watches and warnings going on, I’m always sensitive to the weather that surrounds me.  I get it from my Dad and also my Grandma.

Growing up, my Dad used to watch two things on TV, The Cubs and The Weather Channel.  ALL OF THE TIME.  (okay, and the Bull and the Bears.)  When storms were approaching, we were outside watching.

For Christmas a few years ago, my parents got all six of their kids a NOAA Weather Radio.  It’s SO LOUD and annoying but makes me feel better.  The other night, a few hours before the storms hit, I emailed my friends and said “Tornado Watch until 7:15, be careful!”

I sat with Anna on the couch and watched the sky but the thing about this storm was how calm it was, hardly any thunder, barely any lightning, it did finally rain hard, but then it stopped.  She and I were sitting on the couch as I watched the sky turn green, the rain and wind stopped.  I got up and looked at the sky and almost grabbed my camera, but I didn’t want to draw attention to the storm as Anna is terrified of them and crawls up my leg and the first sight of a rain drop on the sidewalk.

Anyway, I went upstairs and motioned for Brian that the weather outside was frightful, fortunately, nothing happened.  However, as it moved further north, it intensified and within a few miles, a tornado formed.

The tornado sirens never went off.  People were literally sitting, watching TV when their roofs were ripped off.

No one was injured, school was cancelled yesterday, but man, you should have seen this community yesterday rockin’ it out and everyone pitching in.  Even though the middle school sustained most of the damage, school is in session today.

And I have pictures, of course.  The areas hit the hardest were closed off.  As we drove around, the sight of uprooted trees, the sound of helicopters flying around the area and the scent of fallen pine trees filled the senses with a sense of uneasiness, but also a reminder of how lucky we were.

This pavilion is where the kids and I had a picnic on Tuesday.

My friend Nancy was personally affected by the storm.  You can visit her and read her account and see additional photos.  Arianne wrote a beautiful post with an unbelievable video.  Check them out.

My favorite part is the very bottom where there is whip cream and mocha and a tiny bit of espresso.  It’s so yum that it encourages me to get through the entire mocha, which I don’t think is all that delicious, just to get to the bottom.  It’s like crossing the finish line.

I definitely think I am feeling the effects of my thyroid dose being increased, I can’t believe how much better I feel, more human, less tired.  This week we have been so social going to friend’s houses and playing outside.  I have been telling people “no” all summer when invited over because I couldn’t go without a nap.  This week I have gone two days without a nap which is a big step in the right direction.

This is a random post, can you tell?

Erin is not in labor, but her time is quickly approaching…today she and I had pedicures, it was so great, not just to have someone rubbing my poor, neglected feet, but to just sit with Erin and chat.  We went to a very fun salon that actually sold some great clothing, jewelry and sandals.  I loved it and can’t wait to go back.  (just kidding, Brian, I won’t go back.)

(I’m totally going back.)

Right now the kids and I are eating Reese’s Puffs cereal out of the box.  Ariel asked if they were healthy because I typically only let them snack on healthy things, I told her no, but that’s okay, sometimes it’s fun to not follow all of the rules.

Blogher is next weekend and I am getting so nervous.  There will be so much to do and so many people to meet and I’m overwhelmed with places to go and parties to attend and clothes to wear.  I realize it’s a good problem to have, (I think?), but when I think about it, my stomach turns into a gigantic knot.  I spent the afternoon with Sarah and Stephanie and they are 100 times more organized than I am.

They’re such jerks.  I plan on posting my schedule on my blog in a few days, for those that are wondering.  (Steph’s idea.  I think it’s a good one.)

I think I need religion back in my life.  Since losing James and Jake, I haven’t been able to focus on it, or feel it.  I can’t describe what I’m not feeling, all I know is I think I’m gaining the need for religion once again and I’m really glad.  Not just for me, but for my entire family.  I think we are going to explore some different avenues and see where we are led.

Monday marks James and Jake’s due date.  They should be one right now.  I still can’t believe any of this has happened to us.

I took this photo at Lovelyn’s.  The Bible sat in her daughter’s room, so beautifully and simply, on her dresser, waiting to be picked up and read.  This book gave me encouragement, the gentle nudge I have been needing to go to church again. It just seemed so beautiful to me.

I’m praying it feels as good to me as I’m hoping it does.

But I admit, I have trust issues with God.  I’m trying to change, I’m trying to BELIEVE that everything has happened for a reason, but it’s so hard.

]]> http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/2009/07/everyday.html/feed 31 http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/2009/06/of-the-heart.html http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/2009/06/of-the-heart.html#comments Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:35:19 +0000 Beth http://www.ishouldbefoldinglaundry.com/?p=2535 The appointment today went really well.  It was a beautiful day in the Windy City and believe it or not, it was actually windy.

Also?  I hate wind.  But that’s another post for another day.  Actually, it’s not, I’m sure I’ll never post about wind because I hate it and have nothing to say about it except I HATE WIND, THE END.  So, that’s all my post would be and I just wrote that.

Anyway.

The appointment was slightly strange in that I met with the nurse first and then a doctor came in before the head doctor came in.  The first doctor came in actually asked me all of the questions and got all of my information.  (just after the nurse got all of my information and asked me all of the questions.)

As I’m sure you can imagine, or maybe you can’t, these appointments are not fun simply because I have to fill them in of our history.  I was pregnant with twins.  They died.  We don’t know what happened.  I miscarried again this past January, it’s believed that the two losses are not related, but we are working on finding the answers.  We have two children that are alive.  I am on 392 different medications, no I don’t smoke, and no I don’t exercise.

The first doctor:  So, do you exercise?

Me:  No…I don’t.  and I make a face like I regret it, but really?  I don’t.

Him: Why don’t you exercise?

Me:  I don’t know, because it’s hard.

Him: You don’t exercise because it’s hard?

Me:  Right.

Him: Well, I guess if it were easy and fun everyone would do it and we would never be in this situation.

Me:  EXACTLY.

Him:  hmmmm….

Then the big dog doctor comes in:

Him: so, have you always had high blood pressure?

Me:  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION 12 TIMES IN THE PAST 18 MINUTES.  Also, why am I wearing a hospital gown, exactly?  Except I did not say that, instead “I started getting high blood pressure when I was pregnant with my oldest, it runs in my family.  Everyone has high blood pressure, they’re all a bunch of jerks.”

Him:  I see you are on prozac.

Me:  Right.

Him:  When did you lose the twins?

Me:  Last February, 2008.

Him:  And when did you most recently miscarry?

Me: January.

Him:  And you’re on prozac.

Me:  Yes.

Him:  and you lost the twins, when?

Me:  OHMYGOD, LAST FEBRUARY.

Him:  Do you think you still need the prozac.

At this point I was pretty annoyed, but understood that he looked up Prozac and found the drug to not be safe during pregnancy and wanted me off of it.  However, I explained that most OB/GYN’s say it’s safe and he said “hey, they know more than I do.”

At which point, he became my friend again.  Good visit.  I go back in two weeks, he gave us the green light to try whenever we (us and the OB specialist) decide it’s time.  (by the way, I do not talk about these things, you know, about trying and all of that, this is a BIG DEAL that I’m sharing this information.  I hope you are feeling my love for you, man.)

They did increase my BP meds because my blood pressure was high today.

When the first doctor handed me my prescription for the new dose of blood pressure medicine at the end of the visit, I asked him if he could write me a prescription for exercise in a pill.

He laughed and walked out the door and I’m pretty sure he said he hated me.

But that’s okay.  I thought we got along famously.