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Used.

August 24th, 2009

Thanks to all of you for sending your love my way last night and today. It made such a difference, as always, I’m always so grateful that you continue to check in on me.

This family of mine is out of sync. I blame it on school starting and both of the kids being gone ALL DAY LONG for the first time ever and now I’d like to take a moment and blame our van because the transmission went out yesterday.

It’s not worth fixing.

Which means one thing: we must buy a new vehicle.

Brian took off of work today and he and I searched all day long while the kids were in school, and then again after they got home. We haven’t purchased anything but we are close. Today was frustrating and mind boggling and completely exhausting. Fortunately, we starting looking about a month ago, so we have a lot of looking and comparing under our belts. Unfortunately, we are sick of looking.

I’m actually feeling quite badly about not giving the kids any downtime today. They got home from school, did their homework and after twenty minutes, we drove ourselves to the south side of Chicago, which was…INTERESTING. One of the cars that we were most excited about was situated in a very strange, very scary location. I may or may not have thought we were going to be mugged TWICE while looking at cars.

It was fun. No really. it was.

We’ve narrowed it down to three vans.

The first had a full cigarette sitting in the back of the car.

The second had a notebook with a child’s writing on it that had “I will not play with fire. I will not play with fire.” written over and over and over again tucked inside the glove compartment.

And the third not only smelled like dirty socks, but happened to have dirty socks underneath the stow and go seats.

Which would you choose?

Stupid used cars.

Storm

August 21st, 2009

The other day, when I took those photos of peace, I was sitting at a park situated on the grounds of our town’s middle school.

The next day, also known as Wednesday, also known as the first day of school, at 7:40 pm., an F2 tornado hit.

The second day of school was cancelled.

Any one of my friends will tell you that I am a weather freak. I’m always letting them know of watches and warnings going on, I’m always sensitive to the weather that surrounds me. I get it from my Dad and also my Grandma.

Growing up, my Dad used to watch two things on TV, The Cubs and The Weather Channel. ALL OF THE TIME. (okay, and the Bull and the Bears.) When storms were approaching, we were outside watching.

For Christmas a few years ago, my parents got all six of their kids a NOAA Weather Radio. It’s SO LOUD and annoying but makes me feel better. The other night, a few hours before the storms hit, I emailed my friends and said “Tornado Watch until 7:15, be careful!”

I sat with Anna on the couch and watched the sky but the thing about this storm was how calm it was, hardly any thunder, barely any lightning, it did finally rain hard, but then it stopped. She and I were sitting on the couch as I watched the sky turn green, the rain and wind stopped. I got up and looked at the sky and almost grabbed my camera, but I didn’t want to draw attention to the storm as Anna is terrified of them and crawls up my leg and the first sight of a rain drop on the sidewalk.

Anyway, I went upstairs and motioned for Brian that the weather outside was frightful, fortunately, nothing happened. However, as it moved further north, it intensified and within a few miles, a tornado formed.

The tornado sirens never went off. People were literally sitting, watching TV when their roofs were ripped off.

No one was injured, school was cancelled yesterday, but man, you should have seen this community yesterday rockin’ it out and everyone pitching in. Even though the middle school sustained most of the damage, school is in session today.

And I have pictures, of course. The areas hit the hardest were closed off. As we drove around, the sight of uprooted trees, the sound of helicopters flying around the area and the scent of fallen pine trees filled the senses with a sense of uneasiness, but also a reminder of how lucky we were.

This pavilion is where the kids and I had a picnic on Tuesday.

Storm damage

My friend Nancy was personally affected by the storm. You can visit her and read her account and see additional photos. Arianne wrote a beautiful post with an unbelievable video. Check them out.

Everyday

July 17th, 2009

I just finished a large iced mocha from McDonald’s. Everyday for the last three days the kids and I have gone to Target and then gone to McDonald’s for an iced mocha.

My favorite part is the very bottom where there is whip cream and mocha and a tiny bit of espresso. It’s so yum that it encourages me to get through the entire mocha, which I don’t think is all that delicious, just to get to the bottom. It’s like crossing the finish line.

I definitely think I am feeling the effects of my thyroid dose being increased, I can’t believe how much better I feel, more human, less tired. This week we have been so social going to friend’s houses and playing outside. I have been telling people “no” all summer when invited over because I couldn’t go without a nap. This week I have gone two days without a nap which is a big step in the right direction.

This is a random post, can you tell?

Erin is not in labor, but her time is quickly approaching…today she and I had pedicures, it was so great, not just to have someone rubbing my poor, neglected feet, but to just sit with Erin and chat. We went to a very fun salon that actually sold some great clothing, jewelry and sandals. I loved it and can’t wait to go back. (just kidding, Brian, I won’t go back.)

(I’m totally going back.)

Right now the kids and I are eating Reese’s Puffs cereal out of the box. Ariel asked if they were healthy because I typically only let them snack on healthy things, I told her no, but that’s okay, sometimes it’s fun to not follow all of the rules.

Blogher is next weekend and I am getting so nervous. There will be so much to do and so many people to meet and I’m overwhelmed with places to go and parties to attend and clothes to wear. I realize it’s a good problem to have, (I think?), but when I think about it, my stomach turns into a gigantic knot. I spent the afternoon with Sara h and Stephanie and they are 100 times more organized than I am.

They’re such jerks. I plan on posting my schedule on my blog in a few days, for those that are wondering. (Steph’s idea. I think it’s a good one.)

I think I need religion back in my life. Since losing James and Jake, I haven’t been able to focus on it, or feel it. I can’t describe what I’m not feeling, all I know is I think I’m gaining the need for religion once again and I’m really glad. Not just for me, but for my entire family. I think we are going to explore some different avenues and see where we are led.

Monday marks James and Jake’s due date. They should be one right now. I still can’t believe any of this has happened to us.

book

I took this photo at Lovelyn’s. The Bible sat in her daughter’s room, so beautifully and simply, on her dresser, waiting to be picked up and read. This book gave me encouragement, the gentle nudge I have been needing to go to church again. It just seemed so beautiful to me.

I’m praying it feels as good to me as I’m hoping it does.

But I admit, I have trust issues with God. I’m trying to change, I’m trying to BELIEVE that everything has happened for a reason, but it’s so hard.

Of the heart

June 29th, 2009

The appointment today went really well. It was a beautiful day in the Windy City and believe it or not, it was actually windy.

Also? I hate wind. But that’s another post for another day. Actually, it’s not, I’m sure I’ll never post about wind because I hate it and have nothing to say about it except I HATE WIND, THE END. So, that’s all my post would be and I just wrote that.

Anyway.

The appointment was slightly strange in that I met with the nurse first and then a doctor came in before the head doctor came in. The first doctor came in actually asked me all of the questions and got all of my information. (just after the nurse got all of my information and asked me all of the questions.)

As I’m sure you can imagine, or maybe you can’t, these appointments are not fun simply because I have to fill them in of our history. I was pregnant with twins. They died. We don’t know what happened. I miscarried again this past January, it’s believed that the two losses are not related, but we are working on finding the answers. We have two children that are alive. I am on 392 different medications, no I don’t smoke, and no I don’t exercise.

The first doctor: So, do you exercise?

Me: No…I don’t. and I make a face like I regret it, but really? I don’t.

Him: Why don’t you exercise?

Me: I don’t know, because it’s hard.

Him: You don’t exercise because it’s hard?

Me: Right.

Him: Well, I guess if it were easy and fun everyone would do it and we would never be in this situation.

Me: EXACTLY.

Him: hmmmm….

Then the big dog doctor comes in:

Him: so, have you always had high blood pressure?

Me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION 12 TIMES IN THE PAST 18 MINUTES. Also, why am I wearing a hospital gown, exactly? Except I did not say that, instead “I started getting high blood pressure when I was pregnant with my oldest, it runs in my family. Everyone has high blood pressure, they’re all a bunch of jerks.”

Him: I see you are on prozac.

Me: Right.

Him: When did you lose the twins?

Me: Last February, 2008.

Him: And when did you most recently miscarry?

Me: January.

Him: And you’re on prozac.

Me: Yes.

Him: and you lost the twins, when?

Me: OHMYGOD, LAST FEBRUARY.

Him: Do you think you still need the prozac.

At this point I was pretty annoyed, but understood that he looked up Prozac and found the drug to not be safe during pregnancy and wanted me off of it. However, I explained that most OB/GYN’s say it’s safe and he said “hey, they know more than I do.”

At which point, he became my friend again. Good visit. I go back in two weeks, he gave us the green light to try whenever we (us and the OB specialist) decide it’s time. (by the way, I do not talk about these things, you know, about trying and all of that, this is a BIG DEAL that I’m sharing this information. I hope you are feeling my love for you, man.)

They did increase my BP meds because my blood pressure was high today.

When the first doctor handed me my prescription for the new dose of blood pressure medicine at the end of the visit, I asked him if he could write me a prescription for exercise in a pill.

He laughed and walked out the door and I’m pretty sure he said he hated me.

But that’s okay. I thought we got along famously.

Full week.

June 28th, 2009

We have the craziest week ahead of us. My brothers and their families are coming into a town which means a week jam packed with family time. Then my sister and her family are coming and staying with us, whenever we all get together like this, we tend to freeze our lives and spend our time just visiting and enjoying being surrounded by each other.

My brothers (identical twin decorated Army Majors) are both receiving awards on July 4th from the Mayor of the city where they were born and raised, the city where my parents live now. We are so proud of them.

Tomorrow, I meet with a cardiologist at the University of Chicago who specializes in pre-pregnancy and pregnant women, it’s just another step we are taking towards ensuring good health before attempting to have more children. I am not looking forward to this appointment, I’m not sure why. I typically have a pretty understanding disposition about such appointments, but this one I’m dreading a little bit.

Maybe I’m just bitter that I just can’t get pregnant AND REMAIN pregnant like everyone else?

Before I know it, though, it will be over. On the upside, no one will be driving dump trucks into my vagina at this appointment, so that’s a plus. And the kids get to stay at Stephanie’s during my appointment, they are beyond excited about that.

On July 6th, we meet with our specialist (the woman who specializes in pregnancy loss) to go over her findings after our meetings and blood tests and her driving a dump truck into my vagina. I’m so hysterically scared that she’s going to advise not to have anymore children.

I mean, I’ll be fine, if that’s what she suggests. I’ll just be heartbroken, I just thought we’d have more than two children, you know? But I’m always so grateful for the two gifts that we have here on earth.

I’m also so grateful for the two precious babies in heaven, watching over us all of the time. I am missing them so much right now, realizing that no doubt we’d be celebrating their 1st birthday any day now. Those two identical little boys enjoying their little cakes together. What a celebration that would be! I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve written about them, sometimes it’s just easier to think about them and hold them in my heart rather than trying to verbalize what I’m feeling to others.

I feel like I shouldn’t be sad any longer, so I keep to myself, I’m okay with that. But I do like talking about them and the amazing love they have shown us. (and the love we feel for them, it’s impossible to put into words!) The other day I was way behind on my blog reading, within the first five minutes, two blogs that I read had referenced James and Jake. That made me really happy. I’m always astonished how many people share my love for them.

It comforts me. It supports me. It reminds me that life is amazing and beyond what exists inside these walls.

No matter what happens, we are so blessed.

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