I Should Be Folding Laundry

I want to come to you today and spill my heart to you, telling you how good we are all doing, that we are able to understand and accept this incredible loss and this unmeasurable feeling of sadness in our hearts.  But I would be lying.

Fortunately, everything that could be making us ache a little less, the love of our family, the cards, the flowers, the food that just shows up on our doorstep, the gifts, the e-mails, the support and comments on this blog, bring a shred of bright, beautiful light that we need during these very darkest of days.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Someday, I will reach out to you individually, but for now, this will have to do.  Thank you a thousand times over.

I've had many people inquire as to if we have a place where individuals can make a donation in honor of our precious Jakie and James, the answer is yes.  If you click here, it will lead you to a page for the March of Dimes.  Back in December, one of my dearest friends, Amy, lost her daughter, Lydia, to anencephaly.  Amy is currently fundraising for the March of Dimes in honor of her daughter.  If you'd like to make a donation, just click here and you can donate, please just reference our babies, Jake and James F.

Thank you again for the kindness in your words, for the tears you have shed and for the love that you feel for our family.  I wish I had some other way to convey to you how I feel about you, Oh God, do I wish for that, but for now I hope you can feel it from these words.

Here we are

I don't know what to write, other than we are besides ourselves with sadness.  I delivered the babies last night, James at 9:43 p.m. and Jake at 9:55 p.m.  The identical twins brothers were created together, delivered together and died together.  Every bit of them was perfect.   What caused their death seems to have something to do with an umbilical cord.

We, of course, are so very sad, but please let me take a moment to thank EACH AND EVERYONE of you for your thoughts, prayers and comments.  Your words of encouragement and prayers have helped not just Brian and myself, but every member of our entire family and our friends who are grieving right beside us.  Thank you for taking the time to show us how much you care.

Please pray for our strength

Update from Beth's sister

Beth asked that I (Sarah) write a quick note for all of her friends and readers waiting for an update. 

Her OB was able to get her in right away.  After the doppler didn't produce the beautiful heartbeats they were looking for, she was rushed to an ultrasound.  And I'm so sad & just beside myself to say, the results were the same.  I can't believe I'm even writing this because it just seems impossible. 

They are currently looking to scheduling delivery and as any one would, they're looking to move forward with this step as soon as possible. 

Thank you to everyone for your positive thoughts and heartfelt prayers, and please continue to send them strength, courage, solace and understanding.  Pray for Beth, Brian, Ariel, Racecar...and their two little beautiful angel baby boys who will live in all of our hearts forever. 

Finding Out

We were not trying to get pregnant when I became pregnant this time around.  In fact, I was trying not to get pregnant.  I was struggling with thyroid problems and had been told by my endocrinologist and my general physician that I should do everything possible to avoid getting pregnant as a pregnancy would not survive with my thyroid levels.

I thought I had counted out my days properly for ovulation, but apparently I have difficulty either counting or understanding the rules of ovulation...because I became pregnant.  Obviously.

In the middle of 2007, Brian and I had decided that another child was indeed in our future, we just were not sure when.  We thought maybe sometime in 2008 would be good for getting pregnant.  Yep, that was our plan.

It was some time before my period was due in November, long enough before it was due that I wasn't even thinking about my period, that my boobs began to hurt.  They hurt real bad.  I blew it off as a symptom of my cycle or maybe my hormone imbalance from my thyroid levels being off.  Then one day after lunch, while the kids were awake, I actually laid down on my couch and took a nap.  I had never done that before.  Still, I never once thought that I could be pregnant.

The day after I fell asleep, leaving my kids unsupervised, I was folding laundry after dinner.  I started to think of my cycle and when I was due for my period, because, damn, my boobs HURT.  I realized I was only three days from starting, but I was consistently two days early every month, so I should start the following day.

And then the thought ran across my mind...could I be pregnant?  Certainly not as I had "diligently" counted out the days of my ovulation and we certainly avoided conception during that time.  Hadn't we?  But the thought nagged me more and more with each article of clothing I folded.  I remembered I had a pregnancy test left over from months ago.  I told Brian I was going to take it, he just laughed at me because that's what he does when I say I'm going to take a pregnancy test.   (we'll call it "nervous laughter.")

So, I took the test, put it on my counter and it told me I was pregnant.  Immediately - three days before my period was even due.

I was stunned and in denial.  Brian was in the living room with the kids, I stuck my head out of the bedroom door and said something profound and romantic like "ummmmmmm...hello???  uhhhh????  yes????"  Because I could not say the words.  He finally caught on to my word jumble and said "NO WAY!"   And he seemed excited and he hugged me and I was like "I'm sure it's wrong, I'll go buy another test."

He laughed again.

And laughed again when he realized I was serious when I put on my coat.  I did call my sister, Sarah, and tell her, because that's what I do.  She told me I was crazy for thinking it could be wrong.  I thought she was crazy for thinking it was right.

So, off I went, to Walgreens for two more tests.

They were positive.

As soon as the positive line showed up I feared the worse, thanks to the warnings of my doctor's.  I called my endo the following day and she ordered a full thyroid work up, and although my levels were still not normal, they were much, much better from just two weeks before.  It took me about a week to get even a little excited about the pregnancy because I was sure my thyroid levels would not allow the pregnancy to progress.

But they did and they continue to be stable.  Thank God.

When I reflect back on those first days of finding out about the pregnancy and being a little scared about the change that is sure to come, I'm always amazed at how easily "the pregnancy" becomes your child.  How, as a mother, you instinctively begin to nurture and love this tiny being inside of you, from the moment you see the line on a test.  And how with each passing day, as your body grows and your symptoms increase, this baby inside of you, is yours.  And you'll do anything to protect it.

And even with morning sickness, fatigue, crazy hormones, having to give up coffee, not wanting to eat nachos anymore and just being uncomfortable, I can't help but feel so lucky to be able to be in the situation I'm in right now.

It's pretty awesome, if you ask me.

*okay, so what I did not mention is that this past Friday, as in on 2/22, I had blood drawn to have my thyroid checked, again.  Would you believe that 15 minutes after I hit publish on this post, my GP's office called regarding my results.  They need me to come in today to discuss what came back, which was abnormal levels.  (whether they were high or low, I have no idea)  SO - to say I'm freaking out would be an understatement.  I've called my OB to fill her in, hopefully we can check on the babies today, too.  Please, if you pray, say a prayer or send positive thoughts that all is well inside this belly of mine.

Nineteen

Apparently, all I need to do to have a little energy these days is to sleep for 10 hours the night before.

that's all.

Yesterday, I had tons of energy, it was amazing.  I even went grocery shopping at 7:30 last night!

But today, I have NO energy.  None.  I'm dead.  And I have tons of laundry to do.  And it's not happening, not even after nap number one.  I'm amazed that we managed to get to church at nine this morning.

Today, I am nineteen weeks pregnant and I think I can finally (and happily!) declare that my morning sickness is over.  I haven't taken my anti-nausea meds since Wednesday!

If someone had told me when my morning sickness started back at six weeks that it would last another thirteen weeks, I would have cried and cried and kicked and screamed and thrown something through a window.  But either way, I really think it's over. 

Let the real eating begin! 

Right after my nap.

Dead as a doornail *updated!*

This is my kind of Saturday.  I crawled out of bed at 9:45 a.m., the coffee was made, within minutes Brian had made two waffles and served them with orange juice.  Pregnancy definitely has it's perks.

Now to the sad, horrifying news.  My 4 GB iPod is dead.  (you know, the one I got for free???)  Like Dead.  Totally Dead.  Up and gone to heaven dead.

The last we listened to it was in the car during Christmas, then it sat in the car, where it died. 

I brought it into the house a few weeks ago and went to the Apple site where they tell you all sorts of tips and tricks (think CPR, defibrillators, ICU, etc.) to bring your iPod back to life.

But nothing worked.

So, Brian took it to the Apple Doctor yesterday.  (where they require an appointment and everything and just like the doctor's office, there was even a wait.)  The doctor determined that somewhere along the way, my precious, pink iPod became wet which corroded it's insides.

There was nothing they could do.

They did offer the same model iPod to Brian for $100, but he declined knowing that his wife (me) would probably want to go ahead and upgrade, and why wouldn't she?  She's a wise-tech savvy gal.

So now the question is:  how tech savvy am I?

Do I go with the 8 GB iPod to listen to music, podcasts, add some pictures and maybe even watch movies?

OR for another $100, do I really upgrade with the 8 GB iPod Touch?  Where I can store pictures, get WIFI, (where available),  utilize a full organizing calendar,  have an address book, maps, calculator, games and listen to music.  Just to name a few of the features....

But do I need all of that?  Why wouldn't I?

What's a tech savvy girl to do?

By the way, if you are wondering how tech savvy I really am, if you were to ask me how big a gig was, I would tell you it depended on how popular the band was.

So, I'm not that tech savvy.

________________

*UPDATED HERE!*  I'll have you know that after I typed out this post listing the features and benefits of the Touch, I knew I had to have.

so I bought it.  That and some haagan-dazs.  It's a damn good day.

undomesticated

I'm feeling a little, uhhhhh, lazy lately.

The laundry needs to be tackled.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The kids' rooms are disasters.  but to clean them would require bending over.

My bedroom is a mess.  as usual.

There's dust just about everywhere, but I don't seem to care that much.

The kitchen floors could be mopped, but I'd rather not.  quite frankly.

I should vacuum, sweep and swiffer, but there are so many blogs to read!

The bathrooms could use a good wipe down, but how boring, plus it's kind of interesting to see how quickly soap scum and toothpaste can cover every square inch of the counter top.

I'm a little surprised that I'm showered, the kids are bathed and the kitchen counters have been wiped down in the past 24 hours.  But, I'm all about high standards.  obviously.

Yes, yes, I'm pregnant and tired and every moment I seem to grow another centimeter, but still, I sure would love to be able to race around and clean my house without grunting when I bend over.

I try to get my husband to really pitch in and help, but apparently that request confuses him.  To help him understand, last week I said "how about, whenever you see ANYTHING laying on the floor, you pick it up and put it away and then I won't have to bend over."

He said "okay, no problem." Which, I guess, could also have been taken as "shutthehellup, fatty."

What we have here, is a failure to communicate, apparently.  I guess to better demonstrate my lack of desire to bend over, I'll stuff a beach ball filled with sand underneath his skin in the belly region and ask him to clean the house.  with a smile on his face.

I'll be sure to take pictures.

*edited to add - my husband really is very helpful, I mean, he empties the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE MORNING, he almost always cleans up after dinner and he takes out the trash and bathes the kids, so it's not like he's a jerk or anything, it's just that he won't bend over and pick up all of the crap off the floor.

that's all.

Baby Love & HUGE NEWS *updated!*

**You can go here to read the top 10 Virtual Baby Shower finalists stories!  Here's mine.**

Oh, Anna.  Do you remember when I told you about the impending birth and adoption over at Sincerely Anna?  Well, last week Anna and her family were called by the birth family and their precious, adorable baby, Emily was born.  If you go to Anna's blog, (and you should) you will be there for hours, crying the whole time, no less.  Adoption is such a miracle.

Thanks to Tracey, I was introduced to a Debbie who was pregnant with twins.  I have actually been following her story since before I even knew I was pregnant.  So, when I found out I was having twins, I knew there was another Mama in the bloggy world that I could relate to.  We've e-mailed back and forth a few times sharing stories and thoughts on twin pregnancies and yesterday she gave birth to a little boy and a little girl.  Somehow their births have made my pregnancy so real.  You should check out these two adorable bundles!

And finally, I have HUGE, EXCITING NEWS.  Steph e-mailed me back in January after my post announcing my pregnancy telling me about a huge virtual baby shower where the girls at Pinks and Blues Girls Blog are showering one lucky Mama-to-Be with a ton of baby items.  OVER $2,000 worth of items.  I happened to meet all of the requirements to be able to nominate myself.  They had over 552 nominations and I have made it into the TOP TEN LIST OF FINALISTS!  Now it's down to an on-line vote to determine the winner.  Voting does not begin until Monday, 2/25, but starting tomorrow you can go and read my story and the nine other stories that are up for vote.  I found out the other day and I have to say, this was one secret that was hard to keep!  I am so excited and just so honored to be among the top 10 finalists!  I'll be sure to remind you when the voting opens, I mean, you do want me to win, right?!?!

Isn't it lovely?

I love my new blog design.  This time, when it came to choosing a designer, I went out on a limb and contacted Elle from Life of Elle, a truly talented artist and designer.  Her headers are always so catchy and cleverly designed.  Elle was quick and responsive and listened to exactly what I wanted but still incorporated her design style with my request.  And her design style is awesome.  Don't you think?

If you are interested in a completely custom blog design, I strongly recommend Elle, her style and work ethic are like none other that I have worked with.

Isn't it lovely?

Over there

I've blogged over here today.  Feel free to head over there and visit and don't be too shy to leave a comment, okay?