Be Kind. Be Understanding.

Even though I would give anything to not be in the middle of my own “grieving process,” I realized soon after the twins’ memorial service that there is so much from their deaths that I can learn from, life lessons that will hopefully make me a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Saying this doesn’t mean I can accept what has happened, but it does mean I can accept the fact that I can become a better person because of it.

I can remember standing in the ultrasound room, after hearing that the twins were no longer alive, I can remember calling my Mom and telling her the news. I don’t know what I said to her, but I know she said “oh, Beth, I’m so sorry,” and she said this while crying. I said I was sorry, too. I got off of the phone and collapsed into my husband’s arms, I remember crying so hard and saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” It was so hard to just call my Mom and tell her our devastating news, how could I possibly live through their deaths and dealing with our loss. I felt with all of my heart and soul that I could not do what I have been doing for the past four weeks.

But I have been doing it, because I do not have a choice, and not just because I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I feel like it’s my responsibility, but I also must get through this for me. I am the person who has to look at myself in the mirror each day and see the grief, I am the one who has to wake up each morning and feel the ache in my heart that manages to affect my entire body and I can feel the darkness surrounding my thoughts. I am the one who understands that if I do not deal with our personal tragedy properly, it could negatively affect my family forever or even end my marriage. I am the one who faces strangers at checkout lines and strangers at the Post Office who have no idea what I have been through, I can only hope they forgive me for not smiling a real smile back at them.

But on the same hand, what I have learned is that the next time I smile at a stranger and that person doesn’t smile back at me, rather than judging them and thinking the worst, I’ll just try to understand that I have no idea where they have been. Maybe they, too, just lost a loved one, maybe they just had a fight with their wife or husband or their boss, maybe they couldn’t sleep the night before. Whatever it is, when I’m ready, I’ll be sure to smile at people no matter what and I won’t care what kind of response I get, I’ll just hope that my genuine smile and the understanding in my eyes, will make even the slightest positive impact on their day, if even for a split second. That’s how my boys will live on, through me, through strangers and that is what will help make me the best Me and the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister and Friend that I can be.

For my boys, it’s the least I can do.

If you are reading this and have been affected by the loss of our boys, I hope this is something you will do, too. Be kind, be understanding.

This post is cross posted on my other blog Laptops to Countertops at NWI Parent.

Comments

[Susan]

Thanks, I really needed to read this. I've been going through my own version of the blues due to grief and just life. My thoughts about other people aren't always so kind and loving, and I don't think enough about what others may be going through to make them act differently than I would prefer. So for you, your boys and my dad, I will try very hard from now on to be a more loving person. Thanks for the reminder.

[JackeeG]

What a beautiful sentiment Beth! We can never really walk in another's shoes, no matter how we try to sympathize, we just cannot live inside your being, and share your same experience. But trying to imagine that someone behaving crummy might be having a hard time, is a HUGE step to your recovery. (I think so!)
Your family and friends are so very lucky.

[tricia]

You touched my very soul with your thoughts;thank you

[~lovelyn]

oh, beth....i believe in this with all of my heart! we never know ALL the circumstances of someone's life....we might (very often) not even know their circumstances for that very day.

what a beautiful legacy you're sharing for your boys!

(and yes, raw macaroni is very good...by the handful...by the box.) =)

[Sharon]

Dear Beth,

Your post, again, touched me so powerfully and personally. This is why...

When I was a high school teacher, I stood in front of (usually) 20-25 kids per class, 5 times/day. That's over 100 kids per day. You can only imagine that not all of them felt all-that-and-more about literature and reading. Some were disruptive. Some were class clowns. Some were debilitatingly shy. Some tried so hard. Some pretended not to care. All were teenagers struggling to find their place in the world.

Just like my own kids.

So I treated each child just like I would want a teacher, or anyone for that matter, to treat my own children... with respect, understanding, discipline when necessary... but always with kindness and a smile. I truly believed that my students were "all my children."

You may never know how your kindness, your smile, your voice, your understanding, your "light" may impact someone... but your boys will. James and Jake will.

How amazing is this... and to have all of your readers spreading this light all over the world!

Much love,
Sharon

ps one random thing - I have eaten 14 Edy's strawberry fruit bars in a row. Yes, 14. More than once.

[An Uncluttered Life]

Beautiful.

[nicole]

You know Beth, I guess I know intellectually that people may not smile or may seem snobby or not so nice because they maybe didn't return a smile or were grouch and the reason is probably because they are in pain but when you meet up with those people, your mind automatically goes to that place that wonders what the heck is with that "bitch". Thank you for reminding me that those people may be in pain, a pain that I may or may not personally understand but no matter what, it is very real to them and they deserve a little understanding and compassion. It is really great that in the middle of the grief you are experiencing, you are able to see that. You are quite perceptive. I too suffered a loss of a baby that was very much wanted and I often wonder why, why did I have to go through this horrible pai? It is really fantastic that so soon after your loss you are able to see that even though your loss is horrible, there is something positive to be gained made in spite of your intense pain and loss. It just goes to show you how very strong you are. Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only person in pain and that I need to try to be patient and understanding.

[Elizabeth]

You are a strong person to find understanding within so much grief. You and your family are in my prayers tonight. Blessings.

[Danielle]

Beth...

This post is just beautiful...
Thinking of you x

[Straight Shooter]

You may not see it yet...but there is a pin point of light beginning to show it self at the end of your tunnell Beth. YOU have traveled so far already. Your boys would be proud of their momma.

[Sandi]

Thanks. Great post.

[Tirzah]

Well said. I'm glad that you have decided to learn from this. We all want you to remember your boys, but you have to live on for yourself and your family.

Thank you for the reminder that anyone I see could be hurting and may need that extra pick-up from a smile or kind word!

[Jdude]

I haven't commented too much on your blog but you are one of my heros - who has helped me be a better person every day I read your blog. I've been struggling lately in my own love for motherhood - the daily ins and outs! It is what I want more than life itself but is what I struggle with most in life! Thank you for your comments.

By the way - a little something about me:

I love chocolate and orange together in anything!

I love fonts!

My motto is "I choose not to run!" which piggybacks on my other motto which states "I don't run unless I"m being chased!" - your blog on 'running scared' cracked me up!!!!!

I don't like to sleep under the covers - I like to sleep on top of the covers - not the bedspread - with a quilt! Go figure. I sleep under the covers because its what my honey likes. But on the off chance he is out of town - I sleep on top of all the covers with my favorite quilt.

I don't like animals - I like the idea of pets - but I don't like the way they smell or the way they smell me! Maybe I need to bathe more.

I love my hair to be brushed and or braided. I pay my kids to do it for me at bedtime.

I, too, should be folding laundry.

[Caminante]

Your post gave me the chills. Thank you for the reminder. Sending lots of hugs.

[Jenna]

What a great reminder. Thank you.

[Carrington]

God has blessed you with an amazing talent to write. I feel like I am experiencing everything with you as you describe it. I will remember to smile today...for your boys.

[Angela]

Thank you for reminding all of us, especially myself, that we never know what someone else is going through and that a little kindness goes a long way.

[vickie]

that is one of the best responses to grief i have ever come across, and enlightening. i think you are some kind of wonderful human being and this is a beautiful way to honor your little ones.

[Rhonda (Mimi)]

I was just complaining about our dreary, rainy gloomy day, but after reading this, I will change that around and smile and be thankful for this day...You are so right about not knowing what people have been through. I am remembering your sweet little angel boys and still praying for God to continue giving you strength. You are ministering to so many people Beth. I am so glad you are still writing what is in your heart cause it blesses me.

[Colleen]

What a beautiful sentiment to take along with you. I'm sure I'll have this in mind whenever someone's response to something seems less than I believe it should be.

[Kim]

Hi. I was given your blog today from a commenter. We lost our baby this week at 17 weeks. This is the first post I have read and everything you have written today I am feeling. Right down to the feelings of, "I can't do this, I can't do this." Yesterday was an angry day for me. I threw things, I slammed doors, and I bawled. You are inspiring. My heart is right there with you. I wish I knew how to help you through this. This is the most horrible thing I have ever felt before in my entire life, as I am sure you are feeling right now. Prayers from another mother hurting inside as well. Hugs.

[Susan]

Unfortuntely, it took me a long time to learn this lesson. But now so with our children...I always remind them that "you don't know what that person is going through right now...". Especially if it is a child that is mean, acts out, etc. We talk so much about what someone else might be going through at home...divorce, abuse, hard times and how we might be able to help.

The fact that you so recognize this Beth in the midst of your own pain...well, it just endears me more to you.

Hugs and blessings.

[Amber]

I have something for you on my blog!

http://squashcakes.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-first-award.html

[Ok, Where Was I?]

You're an amazing person! I'm guilty of being quick to get annoyed if I think someone has been rude or unfriendly. I will definitely think of this post the next time that happens and hopefully not be such a b*itch!

[Nan]

That's awesome, Beth. Thanks for reminding us that we never really know what others are going through.
Some things about me:
I rotate my underwear. I don't want some to get worn more than others. I feel sorry for them.
I still sleep w/one of my stuffed animals from childhood. (and I'm almost 30)
I struggle w/Fibromyalagia and chronic pain...have done so for nearly 8 years. I'm trying the new FDA drug for it...but am scared that it won't help.
I'm not OK w/the fact that I'm getting gray (grey?)hairs.
I think your blog is one of the best I've ever read...and you are one of the best bloggers (and people) I've never met. :-)