Be Kind. Be Understanding.

Even though I would give anything to not be in the middle of my own “grieving process,” I realized soon after the twins’ memorial service that there is so much from their deaths that I can learn from, life lessons that will hopefully make me a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Saying this doesn’t mean I can accept what has happened, but it does mean I can accept the fact that I can become a better person because of it.

I can remember standing in the ultrasound room, after hearing that the twins were no longer alive, I can remember calling my Mom and telling her the news. I don’t know what I said to her, but I know she said “oh, Beth, I’m so sorry,” and she said this while crying. I said I was sorry, too. I got off of the phone and collapsed into my husband’s arms, I remember crying so hard and saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” It was so hard to just call my Mom and tell her our devastating news, how could I possibly live through their deaths and dealing with our loss. I felt with all of my heart and soul that I could not do what I have been doing for the past four weeks.

But I have been doing it, because I do not have a choice, and not just because I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I feel like it’s my responsibility, but I also must get through this for me. I am the person who has to look at myself in the mirror each day and see the grief, I am the one who has to wake up each morning and feel the ache in my heart that manages to affect my entire body and I can feel the darkness surrounding my thoughts. I am the one who understands that if I do not deal with our personal tragedy properly, it could negatively affect my family forever or even end my marriage. I am the one who faces strangers at checkout lines and strangers at the Post Office who have no idea what I have been through, I can only hope they forgive me for not smiling a real smile back at them.

But on the same hand, what I have learned is that the next time I smile at a stranger and that person doesn’t smile back at me, rather than judging them and thinking the worst, I’ll just try to understand that I have no idea where they have been. Maybe they, too, just lost a loved one, maybe they just had a fight with their wife or husband or their boss, maybe they couldn’t sleep the night before. Whatever it is, when I’m ready, I’ll be sure to smile at people no matter what and I won’t care what kind of response I get, I’ll just hope that my genuine smile and the understanding in my eyes, will make even the slightest positive impact on their day, if even for a split second. That’s how my boys will live on, through me, through strangers and that is what will help make me the best Me and the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister and Friend that I can be.

For my boys, it’s the least I can do.

If you are reading this and have been affected by the loss of our boys, I hope this is something you will do, too. Be kind, be understanding.

This post is cross posted on my other blog Laptops to Countertops at NWI Parent.

Comments

[Jenny from Chicago]

I'm smiling at you right now. We need to see each other soon

[Carolyn]

Thanks for the wonderful post. You do such a great job of writing, (I've told you that already. I love coming here to read about what each day brings for you. Thanks so much for sharing.
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