I Should Be Folding Laundry

Five weeks ago

Five weeks ago right now - I was doing just as I am doing now.  Catching up on work, reading blogs, watching Racecar play Wii.  Five weeks ago right now, I was so excited about being chosen as a finalist for the Pinks and Blues Virtual Baby Shower.  I couldn't wait to see how the results played out.  Whether I won or not, I could not believe I was chosen to be a top 10 finalist when there were over 500 entries.  I was honored.  It was five weeks ago today that the voting opened. 

My phone rang.  Things happened.  I eventually went to see if my friend, a nurse at my OB's office, could hear the twins' heartbeats.  I never doubted she would be able to, I just wanted to KNOW and FEEL BETTER once I was reassured. 

That's not what happened.

After spending what seemed like hours at the hospital in the ultrasound room and going back up to the doctor's office to discuss delivering my babies - at 19 weeks - we came home.  The doctor told me to eat, so I did.  I made a turkey sandwich.  My niece came over to stay with the kids overnight.  It was 5:00 p.m.  We made plans to be at the hospital at seven.  I e-mailed Ariel's teacher and told her Ariel would not be at school the following day.  I told her why.  I then e-mailed Pinks and Blues and told them what was going on.  I obviously could no longer be a finalist for the baby shower, it broke my heart to send that e-mail.  Not because I lost my chance to win the shower, but because I lost my babies.  The true prize, the true gift. 

I have many thoughts regarding Sharon, Jane and Audrey at Pinks and Blues.  I feel so much love for them because of the amazing support they have shown me during this horrific ride we have been on.  Sharon wrote this post, such beautiful words, remembering James and Jake.  I often go back and read that post, my heart aches but swells with love at the same time.  (please.  click on that link and read that post.)

Because of Pinks and Blues, we took a family picture, the one on my March of Dimes badge up there on the left.  One week after taking that, I was home from the hospital, no longer pregnant, surrounded by family, surrounded by flowers, surrounded by grief.  But I see that picture and somehow, it makes me so happy and so sad, all at the same time.  I see that picture and I wish I could warn me, "WATCH OUT.  Your life is going to change.  You will never be the same.  You will be in pain.  You will be devastated.  But I think you'll be okay."

It's the only family picture we have with me being pregnant with James and Jake.  I have no doubt it's why I was chosen to be a finalist.  For that picture.

When Pinks and Blues informed me that I was a finalist, they asked me to write the story of when I found out James and Jake were twins.  I'm going to share that now.  This is my journal, this blog.  I want document all I can, happy moments and sad moments.

This is one of the happiest moments of my entire life.  Right here.
____________________________________

Finding out I was having twins was a total shock, although I had a few people making the prediction.  One of the people making that prediction was my mother, who had identical twin boys, who are now 34.  Because there is no genetic relationship for identicals, I never thought for a second that I could be lucky enough to have twins.  The other person predicting twins was my husband.

 

At eight weeks, five days, I woke up with cramps and was very concerned.  I called my doctor in the late morning and they returned my call in the early afternoon, telling me that I would need a STAT ultrasound.  Unfortunately, my husband was at work in Chicago and was unable to be there.  My parents, who happened to be off of work that day, met me at the hospital to watch my kids in the waiting room.

 

I was called back by the tech and I was very nervous.  It was an internal ultrasound and as soon as it began I looked up at the screen, I was devastated because I saw nothing.  I turned away from the screen in disbelief.  It was then that my disbelief turned into pure shock when the tech asked me if I had twins in my family.  I replied, while stuttering and propping myself up on my elbows, stretching to see the screen, "Well, yes, but they're identical, so they're not hereditary, why are there twins in there?!?!!?"  She said she would have a closer look and about 10 seconds later she said the words that would rock our worlds for that day and forever "you are having twins."  I immediately started to cry, while covering my face in disbelief.  I was so relieved that I was not having a miscarriage, but so excited and shocked at hearing the huge news.  I also could not believe that my husband was not there by my side sharing this unforgettable moment with me.  All I could think about was that I could not possibly tell my parents before telling my husband, but how could I possibly look at my parents and not tell them?  Especially after hearing my Mom for the past three weeks tell me almost daily that I was having twins. 

 

It was then that I asked the tech if I could call my husband from inside the room once the ultrasound was over, she said I could.

 

As soon as the tech left the room, I stood up and started to get dressed, but I couldn't even do that, I was too excited.  I shakily called my husband who answered his phone at work right away.  I said to him "Everything is fine, we saw a heartbeat."

Him: "Just one?"

Me: "No.  Two." 

Him:  "WHAT!?!?!"

Me:  "There are two babies, we are going to have twins!"

 

At which point I could hear him crying at his desk, at work.  We got off of the phone, I got dressed and headed into the waiting room, where my parents were sitting with our children, our children who did not even know about the pregnancy.  I said to my Mom "everything is good, we saw a heartbeat."

She was sitting in a chair, with one hand underneath her chin.  She pulled her hand away from her chin and mouthed the words "just one?" while holding up one finger.  I said no.  She replied, "two???" while holding up two fingers.  I nodded excitedly.  She began to cry.

 

These moments and every reaction by everyone we know and love, will always be etched deep inside me.  We feel so lucky to not only be having these twins, but to also be celebrating this blessing with our family and friends.
_______________________

Thank you, Sharon, Jane and Audrey.  Just thank you.

Comment of the Week

You have to read this.  Susan from Arkansas left this comment on Tuesday on my post "Where are you?  How fast can you type?"  I had to share and have now been inspired to have a "comment of the week" every Sunday.  Hooray for Susan for being the first.

"Okay, you asked. I spent Easter weekend with my three beautiful children and my husband at an out of state amusement park having a wonderful time. Got to visit with some old friends and show my children new things...all while prepping for a colonoscopy. The five hour drive home was a bit challenging as they got to eat yummy smelling fast food while I enjoyed my liquid diet. When we finally arrived home, I took my laxative, the other laxative and the last laxative while I did laundry and prepared the children to return to school. I used an entire roll of toilet paper and didn't get much sleep that night. After sending the children off to school, (while dehydrated and sleep-deprived; me, not the children), I glanced at the calendar to prepare myself for the week. And I noticed the colonoscopy was NEXT WEEK. DOO DOO. And I don't say that lightly."

This past Thursday

It's been a long time since I've sat down and written a post.  I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post.  Being busy is good.  Real good.

I have many fears.  I didn't know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body.  I guess I should say, I didn't know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body.  I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for me.  But I wonder if you understand.

I have many fears and many anxieties.  Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I'm not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy.  Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me.  I hate it.  I can't stand it.  If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief.  But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again.  Forever.

The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends.  Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don't want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it's not that easy.

I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist.   Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn't even set in with me.  But I told her because I didn't want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy.  I've been known to do that once twice before.  After the twins died, I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn't know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief.  I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear. 

Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake's obituary in the paper and sent us a card - so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared.  Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.

I feared going into my doctor's office where we learned James and Jake were boys.  My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one.  But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much.  Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced.  I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed."  Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love.  I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly.  A good memory with them, we do have so few.

This past Thursday, I faced these fears.  Head on.  I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend's house while I went to the other doctor's office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister. 

Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears.  I liked it.  I hated it.  It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.

I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were.  Giant hurdles.  And I jumped over them and landed on my feet.  This past Thursday.

I am certain that the ultrasound tech was right, we are so blessed.

Don't ask me.

I don't know much about Twitter, but I'm doing it anyway.  I guess I think you don't know enough about me as it is.  Here I am.

Be Kind. Be Understanding.

Even though I would give anything to not be in the middle of my own “grieving process,” I realized soon after the twins’ memorial service that there is so much from their deaths that I can learn from, life lessons that will hopefully make me a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Saying this doesn’t mean I can accept what has happened, but it does mean I can accept the fact that I can become a better person because of it.

I can remember standing in the ultrasound room, after hearing that the twins were no longer alive, I can remember calling my Mom and telling her the news. I don’t know what I said to her, but I know she said “oh, Beth, I’m so sorry,” and she said this while crying. I said I was sorry, too. I got off of the phone and collapsed into my husband’s arms, I remember crying so hard and saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” It was so hard to just call my Mom and tell her our devastating news, how could I possibly live through their deaths and dealing with our loss. I felt with all of my heart and soul that I could not do what I have been doing for the past four weeks.

But I have been doing it, because I do not have a choice, and not just because I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I feel like it’s my responsibility, but I also must get through this for me. I am the person who has to look at myself in the mirror each day and see the grief, I am the one who has to wake up each morning and feel the ache in my heart that manages to affect my entire body and I can feel the darkness surrounding my thoughts. I am the one who understands that if I do not deal with our personal tragedy properly, it could negatively affect my family forever or even end my marriage. I am the one who faces strangers at checkout lines and strangers at the Post Office who have no idea what I have been through, I can only hope they forgive me for not smiling a real smile back at them.

But on the same hand, what I have learned is that the next time I smile at a stranger and that person doesn’t smile back at me, rather than judging them and thinking the worst, I’ll just try to understand that I have no idea where they have been. Maybe they, too, just lost a loved one, maybe they just had a fight with their wife or husband or their boss, maybe they couldn’t sleep the night before. Whatever it is, when I’m ready, I’ll be sure to smile at people no matter what and I won’t care what kind of response I get, I’ll just hope that my genuine smile and the understanding in my eyes, will make even the slightest positive impact on their day, if even for a split second. That’s how my boys will live on, through me, through strangers and that is what will help make me the best Me and the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister and Friend that I can be.

For my boys, it’s the least I can do.

If you are reading this and have been affected by the loss of our boys, I hope this is something you will do, too. Be kind, be understanding.

This post is cross posted on my other blog Laptops to Countertops at NWI Parent.

Random things about me

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven't left one, please do, I'd love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn't heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it's been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don't think I'm supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We'd spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven't played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I've been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can't remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don't care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your happy, fun times, when sadness wasn't present, was a miracle from God. God is truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This cathartic potential has been present all along, and it's only now sadly reaching its true creation's purpose. It's so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald's coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven't already, tell me something about you, okay?

I need therapy for my therapy.

Ever since my appointment yesterday I have felt like all of my emotions and feelings are sitting out on a platter, I feel exposed and raw and I can't believe I paid someone to throw me against the wall over and over again.  I was hopeful, before my appointment, that I would feel refreshed and convinced that I was really going to be okay, but instead I spent the day in a fog, feeling sad and darker than I had in a little while, I did sleep for ninety minutes after my post yesterday, it was a great way to hide from my feelings.

But I have to believe that the appointment yesterday is the way it's supposed to be, as DIFFICULT and PAINFUL as it was, I have to believe that someday, in the future, I won't hurt so bad and hopefully therapy will help with that.

Please tell me this is right.  Otherwise, I'm not going back.  (well, I will go back, but my feet will be dragging.)

Because I love to start my week out by crying my head off

That's what I did today.  I cried.  For forty-five minutes.  Solid.

I'm exhausted and it's only 11:00 a.m.

This morning I had my first appointment with my new psychologist, it was a 9:00 appointment, I was crying by 9:01 a.m.  I'm amazed at how quickly my emotions will surface and jump out of my body and into someone's ears.  I feel like I've just been beat up, but in a good way, I guess.

This is the first time I've even been to a therapist, not that I've ever had anything against seeing a therapist, I just never felt like I needed to see one, until now.  And it's not so much that I'm sure I need to see one, I just wanted to try it, for my family.  And for me.  I go back next week, but my appointment is not until the evening, so that way I can crawl in bed afterwards and fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep, sleep is not coming very easily to me.  And if it does, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night, for sometimes two hours, just thinking.  I replay everything that has happened, from the moment of not be able to detect heartbeats via doppler to that very moment lying in bed.  It's like watching a movie, except it's my movie and I don't want it to be.  I notice every detail, many times I remember something new when exploring the land of my mind, but I always end up in that place of sadness, in disbelief, soaking in fear.

Yesterday would have started my 23rd week of pregnancy, I can't stand that I'm not pregnant any longer.  Even though it's been four weeks, today, in fact, that I learned of James and Jake's death, I still can't fathom the fact that they won't be joining our family this summer.  I can hardly bear it.  Really.  I can hardly bear it.

I need a nap.

Easter Breakfast

And lunch.
And dinner.

I hope your Easter is filled with laughter, family, love, hope and lots of peanut butter and chocolate.

Love,
Beth

keep em' coming

Yesterday's idea of mine where you all (yes all, don't be shy, k?) leave me a comment telling me something about you??  Brilliance.  Just brilliance.  It made SUCH a difference in my day, in my mood, thank you.  But please, don't stop.  I sit and read these comments and smile and laugh and I'm in awe of so many of you.  So, go here and keep em' coming.  I look forward to hearing from you.  I really, really do.

And by the way, the lowest typing score I saw all day was actually from my sister (Sarah) who didn't even share her score in the comments.  It was that low.  But I won't say what it was (22) and when she tried to do it again to better her score, it was even lower, but I can't, I just can't share that number with you.

(17)

Happy Easter.