I Should Be Folding Laundry

Where are you? How fast can you type?

Today marks the start of spring break and although we will not be getting the ridiculous amount of snow they have predicted, there is still white crap on the ground which just makes me a little bit sadder than what I want to be.

But as I sit here wanting to go on and on about just how sad I am today, Racecar just came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders.  His fingers are resting comfortably on my neck as he patiently waits for The Wonder Pets to end so he can begin playing Wii.  Unfortunately, I just informed him that he could not play Wii right now, that he would have to wait another half an hour and his gentle hand has abruptly left my neck and he has fallen into a heap of tears on the floor.

Silly boy.

I need distraction today, I can feel it.  I have a follow up appointment with my OB this afternoon, which will also include a pelvic examination, which makes me want to stick a fork in my eye.  Quite honestly, though, I don't care about the examination, I just care about walking into that building.  That cold building that was the location of finding out that our dreams of raising twin boys was just that, a dream.  When I even think about going there, I feel my body go numb and my heart races faster.  I'm feeling anxious, very, very anxious.  It bothers me so much that the place that I used to enjoy visiting so much, now holds so much darkness for me.  I never would have thought.

So, maybe you can help me today.  I've been thinking a lot about all of you and where you are, reading blogs, sipping on coffee, taking breaks from doing laundry, washing dirty faces or if you've just finished a report at your job and you looking for a break from work on this Friday before Easter.  So, where are you?  What state?  What country?  I'd love it if you told me where you were visiting from.

Or, you can just tell me how fast you can type.  Either way, I want to learn something new about you.  And yes, I mean YOU.  Even those that have never commented before and those that think I don't know you come to my blog, even people I know in real life, I'm always telling you things about me, but now it's time for you to tell me something about you.  Where you live, how fast you can type, your favorite food or your favorite color.  Something, tell me something.

I could use the distraction.  Thanks.

78 words

Speed test

A Daisy

We have a Winter Storm Warning that begins overnight (on March 21!) and ends Saturday morning, we should expect eight inches of snow.

I do hate snow, but I know it won't last very long since our temperatures have been above freezing.  And, I feel optimistic because my friend Christy sent me these wonderful daisies mixed with gerbera daisies, which are my favorite.  They are by my bed and they remind me of spring and they remind me of good friends and all of the wonderful flowers, gifts and cards people have sent these past few weeks that make us feel remembered and loved. 

It comforts me knowing that snow will not last long, but friendships will.

Thank you, Christy.

 

 

The Other Blog

After a long and much needed hiatus, I am back blogging over here today.

Longwinded and Totally Random

Hashimoto's Disease - It appears as though my Hashimoto's is rearing it's ugly head again.  I had blood work done just days before losing the twins and the results showed that my levels were a little off.  I had a doctor's appointment two weeks ago about my thyroid but since my body's hormone levels are totally out of whack, we can't really take any type of action with medication.  I have a blood test scheduled to test my thyroid levels and my iron levels in two weeks.  I have been very, very tired, no matter how much sleep I have been getting, the type of tired I feel when my thyroid has dropped, which is very, very tired.  (am I getting that point across?)

Good Food - Would you believe people are still providing meals for us?  And what have I learned from everyone's generosity?  That I need to improve on my cooking skills.  For the past two weeks, Lynette has arranged for the Moms in our Mommy's Group to bring meals to our home and it has been incredible.  Everything has been so delicious.  And now, this week, my cousin, who owns a business making dinners, has provided dinners for us this week.  The sad part is that all of the dinners end this week, which means I'll be in charge of making dinners for us next week, it's back to the land of spaghetti and Schwan's chicken.

The Laundry - Since my Mom and my sister keep folding our laundry, I realize I'm not very good at folding laundry either.  I think I already knew that, though.

My Closet -  This past weekend my sister, Sarah, came to visit and she helped me clean out my closet which was filled with maternity clothes.  Completely and totally filled with maternity clothes.  Every time I walked into my closet I was filled with sadness and dread.  Back in January, when we were preparing our house to go on the market, I packed all of my non-maternity clothes into boxes and we put them into storage, thinking that when we moved I would unpack those regular clothes after my pregnancy.  I never though for a second that it would not happen that way.  This weekend, Brian went back into storage and pulled out my regular clothes and we washed them and put them back into my closet.  And when I say "we" I mean "Sarah" because this was one task that I just has to remove myself from completely.

Showings - This past weekend we also had three showings.  It was a very busy weekend.  Maybe that's why I'm so tired???

American Idol -  Despite everything, we have been watching American Idol, it's the one and only show we watch every week and I have to say, I love this season.  I also have to say that I can't stand to watch Amanda Overmeyer perform, it's like nails on a chalkboard.  And I really would like to see her leave, I know she's a Hoosier n' all, but I just can't stand the voice, the hair, the leg shaking and the occasional tongue sticking out after a performance.  Makes me crazy.  Am I alone?  So far I have been very pleased with who has been sent home each week, let's see if it continues...

E-mails - So many of you have sent me a personal e-mail and I wish I could respond to all of them, but I just can't.  Mainly because it's just too hard, however, I have read every single e-mail that has come through and every single one touches me and means so much.  I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send me an e-mail and sharing your condolences, stories and insight with me.

California - Brian is booking our trip right now as we speak.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to go.  I'm sure it's going to be a very, very good thing.

Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has made a donation to our walk honoring James and Jake and Lydia, everyone's generosity has been mind blowing, it's truly something that I lay in bed and think about the fact that there are so many kind, loving, caring individuals out there, who want to help make a difference.  So, thank you, thank you so very much.  And thank you to the individuals who have joined our team or formed a team in their area honoring the twins, there are no other words, just thank you from the bottom of our hearts.   We are in awe.

The Everyday Battle

Ever since my life has returned to "normal" I have found myself suppressing my feelings and not sharing with anyone how I am really feeling.  I think I need to be brave, after all, I am a mother and wife, I'm supposed to be brave, it's what we do.

I put my make-up on each morning, I make my bed, I feed my kids, I smile and try to laugh, but truthfully?  I ache.  My heart aches, my body aches.  I just can't seem to figure out why this has happened.  It's not that I think this type of thing should not have happened to me, I just have a hard time believing it has happened to me.  I am so sad.  But yet, I hide that sadness from others because I don't want to make others sad and I even find myself hiding the sadness from me, somehow, because it never seems like a good time to be sad and it never, ever seems like a good time to cry.  There are places to go and people to see and who wants to see someone crying?  or someone who has just cried their eyes out pleading for this to all be wrong, pleading that maybe somehow, those babies are still alive in my belly, living off of the orange juice and ice cream I loved to feed them.

On the surface I feel like I should be done crying, it's been three weeks, certainly I shouldn't cry too much, certainly it's time for more laughter and more singing and just more pure happiness, but that's not how I truly feel inside.  I want to cry and scream and sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball on my bed and shut my door.   But I don't.

I just don't know how to let myself properly grieve.  I don't know how to just be.  Even if being is being sad, I'm tired of being sad, but I can't help it.

Today, I let myself cry.  I cried hard and I can't seem to stop, even now.  Even though I had just applied my make-up and dropped Ariel off at school and will have to leave soon to pick her up and I look like crap, I needed this cry.  I think I need to understand that maybe it's not so much bravery hiding my feelings and emotions, maybe I am braver when I let myself really feel the emotions that I am feeling.

Unfortunately, understanding that is one battle, actually following that belief is another.

someone like me

I read this letter on the Advice Smackdown by Amalah and as I read it my body grew numb.  I wondered if I had written the letter without realizing it, so much in the letter is what happened to us.  Everything this person writes in her letter to Amy is how I feel.  All my fears, all of my thoughts, my confusion, my doubts, my heartbreak.  But the letter was not written by me, but by another Mommy who has experienced almost the exact same loss as me, my heart aches for her, whoever she is. 

I cried when I read the letter, I can hardly bear to read it again.  But I encourage you to read it, because this person's feelings are just like mine.

City of Angels

One of my favorite movies is City of Angels, I don't know what it is about that movie, if it's the music or Nick Cage as an angel or Meg Ryan as a heart surgeon or just a great story line that makes you think about life and death, but I have seen it a million times and I feel the need to watch it again, someday. 

I've never been to Los Angeles, I've actually never been to California.  Have you?  Do you like it?  Brian and I just spoke and he has an opportunity to go there in April for work and wanted to know if I wanted to go along.  We would be gone for four nights over the weekend, away from the kids, in a nice hotel, with warm weather.  And the thought freaks me out.  Three weeks ago I would have jumped at the chance, but now?  I'm not so sure.  Am I ready?  Should I go?  Do I think Brian and I need time alone?  Yes.  But right now I'm having a hard enough time going to the grocery store, let alone going somewhere two thousand miles away.  But it's a month away, a lot can happen before then.  Will I be ready for such a trip by then?  Would it be good for me?  For us?  (by the way, when Brian goes away for work, he has a lot of free time - so I would not be alone that much.)

Brian initially told me he needed to know by the end of day today.  But after my panic attack he said he could probably let them know by Monday. 

Should we go?  You know, assuming we could get someone to watch the kids.

The Sun

If you've come here looking for a post about how sad I am today, I'm afraid you will have to search the archives from the past two weeks to find what you are looking for.  Today, for the third day in a row, the sun in shining and I have to believe it is having a positive effect on me.  Between the not so cold weather, time, my house being disgustingly clean, the sun, the support of all of you, my friends and my family and quite honestly, my pal, Prozac, today feels better.

Even though Brian went back to work today and even though Racecar did not go to school today because he has a fever, TODAY, or at least RIGHT NOW, things feel good and I want to roll around in the goodness.

So, I'm going to show you some pictures and take you through some happy things.  I think we all deserve that.  Don't you?

This is a picture taken this morning of the kids in our bed, watching TV.  Between the kids and the stuffed animals, you can see there is limited room for Mom.  So, up I went to make coffee and take pictures.

Little did you know, last weekend we traveled to Louisville for one night to visit my sister and her family.  It was her son's third birthday, so we wanted to celebrate with him and we did.  Throughout this entire ordeal of losing James and Jake, my sister has been a solid rock for me to lean on.  She has gone out of her way to do incredible things for us and these two quilts are the perfect example of what kind of person she is.  She and another angel of a woman, worked on these two precious items that I love with all of my heart and soul.  My sister (Sarah) stayed up late and worked so hard to get these done before our visit and somehow she did.  They are made up of various meaningful fabrics, the stripe fabric is from one of Racecar's shirts when he was a baby and another fabric is from one of Ariel's sleepers that she wore.  I wish you could feel how soft these are or smell them, they smell so good.  I have been sleeping with them each night. I love them, when I look at them I think about so many things, but mostly I think about the thoughtfulness and generosity of my sister.

This is my sister's daughter.  She's so fun and so pretty.

This is a necklace that Brian and I ordered for me, I love to wear this necklace, it's so special to me.  It's from Planetjill, I love the quality and it shipped quickly.

Here are some pictures of Racecar taken this morning.  This is Racecar with a fever.  Can you imagine him without a fever?  He's an amazing child.

And finally, our Ariel.  Our warm, loving and caring Ariel.  She had her kindergarten physical yesterday, it's hard to believe she's so old.  She's such a special little girl.

My parents, oh my parents have been so good to us.  They have been coming over every night after work and having dinner with us, they have been playing with the kids and bringing over my favorite Coldstone Creamery ice cream, they've just been here for us.  We are so grateful for them and the time they have been spending with us.  I don't think they'll ever know how much it has helped us cope.

And finally, if I could take a picture of all of you, with your prayers and your positive thoughts and your comments, I would, of every single one of you.  I just hope my words can paint a vivid enough picture for you of how amazing I think you all are.  Thank you for caring and understanding and for sending your love.  I can feel it.  From each and everyone of you.

Fear

I'm feeling a little fearful today.   I can feel it in my legs and my arms and mostly my heart.  Tomorrow Brian returns to work after working from home since all of this happened.  Which leaves me at home, alone, taking care of the kids and the house...and myself.  It means being the person who takes the kids to school and facing the teachers and the parents, some may say nothing, some may say something.  Tomorrow is the day where I try to create a new normal and it scares me.  But it's time.

As many of you know, we put our house on the market in February to find a larger home to better fit our growing family.  We are fortunate that when our realtor found out about our loss, she offered to release us from our contract without any penalties.   It was comforting to know that we are working with someone with such compassion, but, we decided to keep our house on the market, thinking if it sells, great.  If it doesn't, great.  Our contract is up in May, we will ride the market until then.  We did, however, ask for no showings for two weeks.  That two weeks ended two days ago and we have a showing tonight.  The call came yesterday, and honestly, it freaked me out a little. Maybe it was because I did not feel our house was ready or maybe it was because this home has been such a safe haven for me since February 26th, that bringing strangers into it while we leave just feels strange.

Either way, the house will be ready. It feels good to be physically able to clean the house, my dizzy spells are coming less and less, my weight continues to drop making it easier to move around and I have a little more energy.  My milk, however, has yet to dry up completely, so reaching for things still hurts, but I can handle that.  All of the cleaning and the prep work will be good therapy, a good distraction.  I think.  I hope.

We have been searching for a chest to keep all of the things we have to remember James and Jake, things like cards that have been sent, the memory box made by the nurses at the hospital after they were delivered, clothing we bought for them when we found out they were identical twins boys, their scrapbook, self help books, it all needs a home.  We have literally been to fifteen furniture stores trying to find just the right one.  We wanted to find one before having a showing for our house and we did, yesterday.  Last night, I went through all of the items and placed them in the chest and was overwhelmed with memories and sadness and the reality of everything that has happened.  I realized that by leaving everything where it was, I was avoiding the reality of it all, it's amazing the things you do without even realizing it.  The reminders hurt so much and I think it hurt even more to be hiding much of this from the strangers that will be walking through our house, these people that will have no idea of the heartache that exists within these walls.

I have to admit, I'm a little envious of them.

I do hope, however, they can feel the love and the good times that we have experienced in this home of ours, I know I can.

I think that's all that matters.

A Letter to My Boys

Dear James and Jake -

It's been two weeks since I delivered you.  I just wanted to tell you how much I miss having you inside of me.  I miss eating for three.  I miss waiting for your movements.  I miss writing about how excited I was to have been blessed to have you. 

I love how big I was with you, even though something as simple as sleeping was becoming increasingly difficult, I knew it meant that each day you were both becoming bigger and healthier.

I loved how when I became pregnant, I wondered how I would give up my coffee addiction, and you took care of that by making the smell make me sick.

I loved talking about you and telling the story about how we found out you were twins.  I loved telling strangers that you were twins when they asked when the baby was due.  I loved daydreaming about carrying two identical twins boys around in their car seats, to church, to the grocery store, to family get-togethers.

I loved picturing you two sleeping together in your crib, bringing each other peace and security.  I loved thinking about having your pictures taken throughout your life with your identical twin uncles.

I loved daydreaming about the moment your older sister and your older brother saw you for the first time.  I loved knowing that soon they would not even remember their lives without you in it.  I loved knowing they would love you so much and you would be close and grow old together as siblings, as friends.

I loved imagining your Daddy holding you, one in each strong arm of his, seeing his pride and love for each of you. 

I loved you, from the minute I learned of you and I will love you forever, with every part of my heart and soul.

I miss you.

And even though this pain is so deep and raw and as the tears steam down my face, I can say that I am so glad you are our babies.  I'm glad that I was yours to provide you with a warm place to grow and to give you the nutrients you needed, if even for a little while. You will be ours forever and we will never, ever forget you and the joy you brought into our lives. 

I have always believed that children choose their parents, I've thought this even before having my own children, it brings me comfort knowing you chose us, thank you for choosing us.

James and Jake, I hope you know how special you are. 

I love you.

Love,
Your Mommy