This is Me

I hesitate to blog today because I don't know what I'm going to write.  I know what I want to write, but I'm having difficulty writing it.

I want to go on and on about my heartbreak.  But I wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about it, yet? 

I want to talk about my therapy session last night, which was so difficult as I talked to the therapist about how hard it is to accept that just six weeks ago I held both perfect babies in my arms and how I wish I could have held them more.  I wish I would have held them more.  Their perfect faces, their perfect toes, their perfect fingers, their mouths that reminded me of Racecar's mouth, these are all images I will never forget, images that I cherish so much, but they are images that are so hard to let my mind travel to.  These images make their death so real.  When I look at their pictures, when they are side by side, I feel like a proud Mama seeing how identical they were, even in death their perfection astounds me, it moves me.  Their perfection makes it harder for me to accept their deaths.

I do not accept their death.  But I am proud to be their Mama.

I wonder if you know how much a comment means to me?  I wonder if you know that I can never hear I'm thinking of you too often.  Every e-mail that comes through my inbox, there's no such thing as too many e-mails.  Because it means love.  And love carries one through grief.  I still need to be carried.  Thank you for helping to carry me so far.

I only write here when I feel like it, I am surprised by how much I feel like writing, it feels so good to get thoughts out there that otherwise would be imprisoned inside my mind.  I wake up each morning not knowing what I'll write about or if I'll write at all, maybe I'll write about dirty jeans, maybe I'll write about James and Jake.

Some days I wonder if I'll be back at all, I consider journaling privately.  Would that be better for me?  I don't know.  I know what I have written may help other women who may have experienced a loss like mine.  I learned of a quote recently, don't hog your journey, it's not just for you.  And I believe that for me.  I believe that for you.

I can't believe I can feel such glorious love for my family,  I can feel such appreciation for warm, sunny days, I can sit and marvel at the sounds of birds singing,  but my heart, my heart hurts so badly.  I'm thankful for the good.  I'm pissed off at the bad. 

I'm trying to figure out how to be me on this blog.  I struggle.  I really struggle.

This is me.  The good.  The bad.  The funny.  The ugly.  I am not the same as I once was, and that saddens me to no end, but I'm trying hard to get to know me as I am now, I'm trying hard to accept me.  And I will.  In time.

Comments

[tricia]

I accept you exactly for who you are which may vary from day to day, from experience to experience.Those experiences may change us. Let yourself accept those changes...maybe that's what God had in store for you.

[Aimee]

Thank you for your honesty and raw emotions. I discovered your blog a while back and have been hooked ever since. Yours is one of the top three sites I check every time I log on! I have smiled, laughed, and cried with you - (and prayed for you) which is so odd considering we never met - thanks again though for sharing your life!

[ie]

I only recently found your blog, and I want to give you cyber hugs of encouragement for the courage you have showing up and letting everyone know what's on your mind.

I have no way of knowing how you are feeling, of course, but I certainly appreciate that you are open and honest and caring.

[Andrea]

I felt the same way after my grand parents died- it seems like there is a window and people stop asking how you're doing and start running out of things to say to comfort you. I say keep using your blog as you used it previously and that's for your own journaling experience, right. If people don't wish to read an entry they can stop back by another day.

I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I just had my 3rd child in February and I cannot imaging what you're going through. It is true that we go through things for a reason and one day I pray that you'll find out why this happened. Thank you for sharing your journey - I will check back everyday and continue my prayers for your kind family.

Take care.

[Janb]

I hesitated to comment before because I felt like I was just going to be banging the same drum, I am so sorry, I am thinking of you, I am praying for you. But now I want you to know that as someone who doesn't even know how badly you are hurting, I am thinking of you, praying for you and you are on my mind constantly. Take care and be good to yourself.

[Rachel Chip]

It's been almost 5 months since we were told that our baby had stopped growing, even though my body was still taking care of him or her. I am a different person now, but I am starting to love these changes in me. I appreciate the changes so much, and it makes me love my baby even more because I know that it's because of him or her that God has worked in me so greatly. I still have bad days, AWFUL days, but I am starting to see beauty and growth in the pain. I know that I've said it before, but...THANK YOU so much for writing and sharing. and I AM thinking of you.

[Audrey -]

Oh Beth... I want you to know that you are not alone out there. You have all of us here, checking on you. Caring about you. Needing to know about you. Maybe that's it for me personally... I need to know how you are doing because I truly care. I truly truly do. And hearing your words... and feeling your emotions... it's important for you to know that you have people caring about you. And knowing that we are here, anytime.
xo,
Audrey

[RubiaLala]

Mmm. I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even begin to understand it. I do understand that a person is not the same as they once were due to circumstances and it is sad. It is so good that you are in therapy and I hope you find your blog to be therapeutic. It is nice for your to share your journey, it will certainly help someone else, but you shouldn't feel obligated. Do what is right for you every day to continue on with your life. Hugs.

[redfish]

I'm grieving my mom who is dying of cancer a little each day. It helps to come here and know that I'm not the only one who has trouble smiling in public and who feels bad burdening her friends. Trust me, we choose to come here and are happy to read about your jeans or your grief. I get more out of your blog than you will ever know, and I pray over every one of your entries. God bless you.

[Shannon]

Write and write some more. It doesn't matter if it's about dirty denim - but let me tell you something about borrowing anyone else's jeans after reading the comments - nothankyouverymuch! It's a public service you've got going on here!

There are people reading so write!

[cyn]

I have not visited your blog in a while and I regret not doing so. I would have prayed for you long before now.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thanks for being open and honest with your grief and struggles.

[Sarah]

Get it out. We love you. God loves you. Keep blogging whatever you feel. It helps people pray, relate, share.

[Renay]

Sounds like you need a healthy dose of that Cold stone creamery icecream to cheer you up;-) I hope each day gets easier and I hope you don't ever forget. I find myself thinking about Lydia all the time and she wasn't even my child. I tell people about your blog all the time. I pulled up your hillarious post at work last night (I'm an L&D RN) and made everyone laugh about your jeans post!!! I told my sister about it today too and she laughed out loud! You simply must keep posting such things! You make the day of so many people who visit here and even though we can't give you real hugs on days like today when you are down, we can give you virtual ((hugs))!!!

[Tina]

I had to comment this time and tell you that I do think of you on a daily basis. I come back to check on you and hear more of your story. I want to share this with you. I may not be able to relate to your experiences now but there may come a time in my life where I will need to remember some of things that you have said and done. I loved what you said about not hogging the journey. I think that is my new blog moto! Oh, and I didn't comment yesterday but I also procrastinate for weeks on washing my jeans. There is nothing worse than newly washed jeans! Until next time!

[dcrmom]

Oh my dear girl. I can't imagine what you are going through. But don't stop writing/blogging. Praying for you...

[indigobabs]

i too have been reading your blog for weeks now and have yet to comment. like aimee, "laundry" is one of the only blogs i read each and everyday. my heart breaks for you, your family and your two perfect angle boys. i have cried reading and re-reading many of your posts.

i do not have any framework to fully understand the pain you are suffering. we had a small scare when i was pregnant with my son. one of the screening tests came back saying he was at risk for two genetic ailments that would have cause us to terminate the pregnancy. for a few brief moments i cried for my unborn child and the possibility i may never have the chance to see him live. from the moment i saw the lines on the pregnancy test, that baby had a life, a family, a future. it was a week before were able to have a cvs done and 24 hours later got the news we were having a health baby boy. i almost fainted with relief.

beth, you are a talented blogger with such an intense self awareness. your posts reflect the rawness of all you are experiencing. i am new to blogging, and hope over time i can be as honest and as real as you have been. please keep sharing your life with us as long as it works for you.

know you are loved, prayed for, and respected... dirty jeans and all. xoxo

[Becky]

Beth, I comment nearly religiously because I'm OCD, and I want you to know that no matter what, I'm still behind you 100%. You don't have to write for other people, just for you. If people can't handle the grief, screw 'em. It's who you are right now, and that's nothing to apologize for. Period.

*hugs*

I'm thinking of all of you today and every day.

[Carolyn]

Beth,
I've not looked at your page for a few days. I am glad I came today to catch up.
This post made me cry as I read the words of your heart. The emotions of you trying to find the real "you" in all of this is so touching. Thanks for sharing ALL of you with us. Leaving here and going private would leave an empty void in my heart. Just reading your struggles makes mine seem so small.
Thanks for bringing me back to reality.
(hugs)

[Rebecca]

I certainly am not tired of hearing about James and Jake. I love hearing about James and Jake. And I'm so glad to read that you have photos of your babies. I so wanted that for you.

I know your babies were beautiful... I would love to "ooh and aah" over them, if you ever want to share a picture.

[Michelle]

As you have written before...it is your blog--so please blog your heart out if it helps, even if just for the moment. Even if it just gets you through the morning or the afternoon or whatever. And I think of you and pray for you every.single.day.

[Minivan Mom]

Don't worry about what people reading this think. Some days you will feel like blogging about ice cream and jeans and some days you will want to blog about James and Jake, and that doesn't mean that you don't know who you are. It means that you are all of it. Silly and funny and grieving and angry and inspiring and confused and grateful and bitter...and it's all okay. It's not one way or the other. To be human is to be complex.

Love to you.

[Robin]

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 10 months and 5 days since I learned of my own loss. I appreciate your honesty, and reading your blog brings back tears and memories, yet helps me heal. Thank you.

[Shantel]

Hi Beth,

I am checking on you this week and just read this blog. As tears are flowing down my eyes, I wish I knew the right words to say to you. I've told you before that you are a wonderful person and I love to read your blog. I think posting is the best thing for your healp you heal. It may not feel that way now, but in the future you will look back and appreciate all you have done. Take each and every day as it comes and remember that quote you shared with me. I refer to that quote for myself as well. I wish I could do something for you to make all this go away, but remember that so many of us care about you and comment to help you get through this journey.
Have a great week Beth....I am always here for you. Even though I am in Florida now, I am checking my e-mails and will always be here for you to listen, to talk to hug or whatever you may need that particular day.

Take care sweetie!!

All my love,
Shantel

[Chrissy Witt]

I really enjoy reading your blog everyday, and your honesty is refreshing. I always enjoy reading whatever you write.

[Diane]

All I can say is just hang in there. I don't know if the true heart ache will ever go away; you may never be yourself again; but for some reason God chose this journey, this road for you. If all you can do is blog your pain, then blog, girl. I don't think you have one reader who would expect you to be back to normal ... this is gonna take time. I've had two miscarriages, very early, and it's not that it's just losing them (always thought that "losing" weird wasn't right but can't find the right term to use) I think you are also grieving what won't be - I know I did. And we'll be here for the whole road, blog, trip. And just remember ... your journey is a journey that is meant to be - no matter how bad or hellish it may seem. Someday you will see the light and know why. So for now, hang in there and just blog. Prayers, tears and thoughts are still here for YOU.