Surfacing

I'm in a funk.  and it's deep.  I feel my tears begin to surface at the slightest thought of James and Jake.  I want to lay down and cry when I realize how close I would be to their due dates right now.  I would be thirty weeks pregnant with my identical twin boys.  I should be pregnant with my identical twin boys.

Today started out very positive.  I sang to my kids and danced funny for them, I worked, I laughed.

And then we heard a certain song, a song that someday, I'll share with you.  A song that makes me cry.  Every single time I hear it.  I heard that song today, on my iPod and changed it half way through, because it was just too much.  That song hasn't left my head since.

Because of that song, I believe, it surfaced.  Grief surfaced.  Pain surfaced.  Sadness.  Loneliness.  I had this desire to sit down and tell someone every detail of their births or deaths.  Honestly, I don't know what to call it.  Doesn't birth mean life?  We never saw birth certificates, only death certificates.  I usually just say "when I delivered James and Jake."  But I don't really say it too much because I don't talk about them too much anymore.

But I want to.

I am so sick of their deaths.  I am so sick of them being gone.  I am so sick of thinking of the moment when the nurse, my trusted, amazing bereavement nurse, wheeled them away from us for the last time.

I cried.  I cried out "goodbye babies" as she went out the door.   It's not what I wanted to say, but it's all I could say without completely losing my mind.  I wanted to say NO PLEASE.  PLEASE NO.  They're going to be cold without me, we want to hold them for the rest of my life. But we no longer could.  My life with them ceased to exist.  Last October I didn't even know of a life with them and now I can barely stand the thought of my life without them.  From the moment that nurse started to move away from me, I missed them.

I hate that I had to decide when it was time for James and Jake to leave my hospital room.  I hate it.  There should be a law that if a parent loses their child, that a parent gets so many days or hours before they MUST be wheeled away by a nurse.  Because how can a parent decide when it's time?  How can a parent call the nurse and say "you can take them now."  Because that's what I had to do.  And those words, those words you can take them now, will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Because I gave someone permission to take my babies away.  And that is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sitting here, wondering what good this post does.  I'm shaking my head.  The emotional side of me is saying publish, publish.  The logical part, the weaker of the two, says do not.

I am going to publish this, with the hopes that YOU hug your children tighter.  That YOU listen to everything they tell you, whether it's about crayons or poop or the sun.  Listen.  Promise me that you will not take for granted the love that surrounds you.  Please, feel it.  Roll around in it.  Realize it's there.  Live it.

If you are reading this and you have suffered a loss like mine, or lost a child, I am so sorry.  I am so very, very sorry.

Comments

[milk&honey]

I promise. I always think about James and Jake, and I always will. Love you.

[Aimee]

There are no words. Only tears. I'm so sorry, Beth.

[Debbie]

I am so so sorry! My heart goes out to you more than you could ever know. I so wish you never had to go through this or experience it. I know how easily it could have been me. My heart breaks every time I think about your wonderful boys.

I will hug all of my children even harder today and listen to the continual stories of poop and how we are going to name our new fish Mr.poopoopeepee. And I will enjoy every minute of refluxey screaming because I know how lucky I am to have it.

James and Jake are always in my thoughts as well as you and your family. Thank you for being brave enough to post your thoughts and feelings. I know it is not easy. Sending big hugs your way!

[Amanda]

Thank you for the reminder to enjoy every mundane and precious moment life has to offer. I needed that, so I'm glad you posted it. I needed it after what I had thought was a difficult day.

[Elaine]

I promise you and my family that I will cherish what I have.

My baby turned one today and it's just a reminder of how fast time goes. I feel I need to try and savour the moments more.

We (my son and I) continue to pray for your healing every night at bedtime...

[Katiebod (Roses are Red, Violets are Violet)]

I really am trying to find words right now. I must admit I was blown away--although I know it is a MUCH different scenario-- byt the similar feeling I had the night we buried my Mom. It was raining and cold and all I could say over and over was that I was afraid she would be cold...or get wet. It soounds so irrational now but, at the time, it made perfect sense to me.

Oh, how I wish I could take your pain away but you are doing exactly what you need to in order to fully experience the grief over losing those two sweet boys. As much as I know it hurts you, I can only say that they deserve every tear you cry and we cry for their loss.

I don't know how you are doing as well as you are, Beth. But let me tell you one thing for ceratin. Don't EVER debate hitting "Publish" again. We need you and we need your words. They remind us of the power of love...no matter how long (or short) we get to revel in it during this lifetime. It is powerful all the same.

Prayers are bing lifted up for you this night and every night.

[Heidi]

You continue to be in my thoughts and I continue to pray.

[Aubs]

Oh how i needed to read this tonight Beth. I needed to be reminded that even the tough days with these boys are incredible blessings. And please know that i admire the fact that you are able to hit publish...and that you are able to bless others through your words. No matter how much that logical side is saying don't publish, allow that emotional side to lead. It is through those emotions that i have the oppurtunity to be blessed with inspiration. It is through those emotions that i am reminded, no matter how bad the day was, what a blessing every moment is. And when i read that you are struggling please know that extra prayers are being prayed for peace and comfort for you. You are such a blessing Beth....even when your logical side says don't publish! :::HUGS:::

[I, Rodius]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.

Do you read Finslippy?

[Annie]

I cannot imagine. I just continue to think how strong of a girl you are. And I am so impressed that you can write about it and share your real raw feelings. One day at a time, love. xo.

[Ann G]

Thanks for reminding me to LOVE on and hug my kids...sometimes they frustrate me, but they are here with me and for that I need to remember to embrace that and them. Thanks for sharing your pain with the world. It reminds me that I have it pretty stinkin' good!

[lisa]

this broke my mommy heart into a hundred million pieces. i know no words to comfort or ease the jagged pain. you can talk/write as much as you feel like about your amazing boys. every detail that you want to share. i'd love to listen/read to every bit of it. i will never grow bored of it, or think you should just get over it. never. i will only love you and jake and james more.
my husband's brother was killed 3 months after we were married. his bro lived in the same area as us, but the day it happened we were out of state visiting other family. my husband got the call while we were eating supper with his parents. so he had to tell his mom and dad. then we left and went to his oldest brother's house to tell them. i remember begging him, " just don't say it. just do not tell them.then it won't be real. if you don't say it, it didn't happen." and the crazy thing is, i totally believed it. so irrational things seem totally real and believable at the moment, i know.
praying for a restful sleep for you tonight.

[Tracye]

I am so sorry. There are just no other words. Know that we're all still here, still praying for you.

Ugh. I hate this.

I REALLY hate those words, too. You should NEVER have to say them.

[Rene]

I'm so sorry the grief is so strong today. I lost 2 babies myself but so early on that I never had an opportunity to hold them but I do know some of what you are going through. Just know that I am thinking of you now and praying for some peace to cover your heart. If you are like me, you need to write to let it out so write away and we will be here to hold your hand afterwards.

[~love]

i will listen, realize, roll in it and live it. i am an even better mom because of james and jake....and you.
praying for you every day...

[Pajamas]

Thank you for posting. I am so sorry. I needed to read this. I was having a difficult day and needed to read this and be reminded of the precious gifts (my 2 boys) I have.

[Elke]

I sit here with tears for you and for your boys. As I keep saying "your are an amazing woman!" Because of you I have MORE patience with my children and far better "listening ears" I don't just hear their words I now try to respond and be present with them far more often. I know you had to lose James and Jake for me to "meet" you through this blog, and I am sad that had to happen but grateful to you for you!! Does this make any sense? I haven't felt a loss like yours before but I htink the way you express yourself must be helping to heal you. You only gave permission for someone to take their bodies away from you. You grew those beautiful boys in your body so you will always carry a part of their soul inside you. It is physically embedded in you forever!! No'one can take that away and you never have to give them permission to either!

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now..... please keep being the wife and mother and friend that you are.

Elke
(sending my hugs across the oceans from Australia again!!!)

[mandy]

I know, me too. I wanted to say the same thing to you Beth. Because of your courage to share this grief, you have blessed us. I think about you and James and Jake through out my own day. I look at my children and imagine the pain you feel. I feel like since I first visited you, I see things a little differently. Instead of allowing myself to cave to the pressures the days bring, I find myself so Thankful to the Lord above that I even HAVE these pressures. I know how much you love your babies and I ache for your broken heart. I wish I could just give you a huge hug, that would somehow ease some of your hurt. Thank you for sharing this with us. I am just so sorry it hurts so much. I pray God's comfort touch you and hold you tight.

[Lisa]

Big hugs girlfriend.

[Chrissy]

You write so well! I am amazed every time you post on your feelings, you do it so well. Keep posting, and don't ever question to or not to. You have helped so many realize that they are not crazy for the way the feel and have reminded others how blessed they really are. You are a true encouragement. Keep it up, some days are good and some days aren't, but keep pushing through, you are an amazing woman, mom, wife, friend and blogger. You are helping so many, truly a giving person you are!

[Esther]

I clicked over from a friend's blogsite because I liked the whole "I should be folding laundry" thing, and I am so sad to read about your losses. Thanks for sharing. Puts my day into perspective.

[Megan (FriedOkra)]

I hope the memories of that short time with James and Jake become more beautiful and less jarring and painful over time. I think that's supposed to be how it works, and my experiences with grief have been that way. (That sounds too scientific, but this morning I feel a little bit angry about your having to go through this and I can't connect with my softer side through that anger.) I love you. Keep talking as and when you need to. It's not for nothing, you know. And we will hold on for you, when you feel like just letting it all go for awhile. Whatever that looks like or feels like.

[Beth/Mom2TwoVikings]

That "emotional whiplash" and the resulting roller coaster ride from random everyday moments will get you for a while, honey. I'm so sorry.

I've been sharing your story with a woman at church who lost her son at 28 weeks - delivered him en route to the hospital in K-zoo. *sigh*

She is still grieving deeply yet it's been over a year and she has since got pregnant again and delivered a healthy full-term boy. I'm hoping she'll come here and read this and maybe you two can help each other somehow.

[crookedeyebrow]

I wish there was something that we could do to take away all your pain, your hurt, your loss.

Many people remember James and Jake , I always will too.

They have become such a big part of many people's lives through your blog. Whether you are mentioning the birds singing for the day or you are pouring your heart and soul out for all of us to understand. We remember them.

Beth, you are loved, feel the love and embrace the love. Let it lift you up just a little more today.

All my love,
CE

[Sandi]

(((HUG)))