Unprepared

I'm hesitant to write here tonight.  But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy.  I'm hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care.  I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful.  Honestly, I need you tonight.

I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day.  Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons.   I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have felt today, it's been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out fresh in the morning.  I am exhausted.  It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart will be lifted, somehow, someway.

I had this realization today, that my sons are dead.  Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.

oh my god.

It's more than my heart can bear.  It's bigger than pain.  It's larger than sadness.  It's heart break.  It's my world torn apart.  I don't know how I got through today.  It was not because of strength.  Today I had none.  While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded.  I NEED STRENGTH.  PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.

And there was none to be had.

This pain is bigger than me.  Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it's palm and threw me against the floor.

I was unprepared. 

I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT.  That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom.  just sitting.  not growing.  not thriving.  not loving.

They're not here.

And it's more than I can bear.

I can't help but scream and cry inside.  GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Please, no.

Please.

My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?"  I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly."  He turned and said slowly, "okay.  I'll go brush my teeth then."  I wish I could just say "okay, then.  I surrender." But I can't.

Tonight, today.  I have no silver linings.

Just tears. so many tears.  and heart break.  Today I can't pretend.  This Mother's Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.

If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare.  I need them more than I care to admit.

I just need them.

Comments

[brandi]

I always have prayers to spare. I hope this will be the depths of your grief & that now you can begin to heal. Never to forget, but to heal and remember your boys not just as ashes in your bedroom but as the sweet little ones that you held & loved.

[indigobabs]

Beth...

You are ALLOWED your grief. You are ALLOWED your tears. You are ALLOWED to feel the pain deep in your soul. Your are ALLOWED to feel like there is nothing normal about your life anymore. Please know you are ALLOWED to feel what you feel when you feel it... be it pain, fear, or denial.

Please know you are loved by many many people who grieve along with you.

[Nicole]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves what you've been through. I can't say I understand; I've never been to where you are. All I can say is: it sucks.

Remember that its okay to feel the way you feel. You probably feel like you should be actively fighting the beast. It doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that you're feeling something you're not. Sometimes, fighting the beast means succumbing, feeling it and working your way out on your own terms. You're doing just fine.

The depth of your love for all of your children and husband is beautiful and I'm honoured to read about it. I would hazard a guess that that's what sustained you today.

[Amy F.]

Oh Beth, this post breaks my heart. Your raw emotions and deep sadness...my heart truly does ache for you. I wish I could give you THE BIGGEST HUG EVER right now. I wouldn't want to let go. You'd have to get Brian to remove me from you, seriously.

You really have been doing as well as you possibly can with all of this, really. Today was understandably a difficult day. The focus was on YOU...the mother to your children. Your FOUR children. All FOUR children whom you wish were just in the next room.

Yes, your babies are dead, by definition. But yet, they are SO alive, Beth...in spirit, love, thought. Because of you, they live in all of us. And I know that is NOT good enough for you today (or any day, really). You absolutely want them literally in your arms crying right now. Of course, I know that. But since that is not possible, isn't the next best thing to keep their memory alive? And you do that, you do it so well, with such grace. You remember them with love and share them with so many people and for that we are blessed. And they are so blessed to have you as their mother.

You definitely felt beat up and beat down today. The Enemy has a hold on you, especially today. The pain is too much. You keep crying out to God, Beth. Do not give up. You keep repeating to Him what you need. He and YOU WILL, without a doubt, overcome this terrible pain.

I love you and I hope you sleep SO soundly tonight and wake up in a better place tomorrow. No matter what though...we are ALWAYS here!

[Emily]

Oh Beth I'm so sorry to hear this but know that we are thinking of you and have loads of prayers, thoughts and well wishes for you.

Someone told me once that you need to give yourself a year to start working through grief - 365 days so you can live through each day and once you've done that - you can do it again. You are entitled to not be ok all the time - and to work your way through those days as best you can.

We will be here to help you on those days you don't think you can get through on your own...

[Jessica]

I really appreciate that you write even when you do not feel up to it. You have a lot of strength, as evidenced by the fact that you simply got through today.

I found this message online so I'll share this with you:

The Well Springs

The flowing of love to you,
knowing you will soon come through.
Refreshing strength, rising hope,
lifting your spirit so you can cope.

May you know that my thoughts for
peace and comfort are with you.
That I care for you and your health.
My sincere get well wishes for you,
filled with blessings of healing wealth.

[Susan]

You're in my thoughts and prayers more than you know. You will get through this. It probably won't be quick, and there will be bad days after a number of good. But you will survive for Ariel, Racecar, your baby boys, your husband, and one day, yourself.

[Melanie]

I'm hestitant to comment myself here. I'm feeling the same way you are. Although terribly happy to have my daughter here it still is painful knowing I should have three babies (at least) and I only have my one. It's a happy-ish day because of her, yet very painful and sad also. You are TOTALLY allowed to cry on this supposed happy day. You are TOTALLY allowed to feel the pain and aknowledge the pain today, it's the very least. I'm sending tons of prayers to you today and always. BTW, thank you for your wonderful email before your walk for MofD, it meant a lot to me.

[Diane]

Wow ... I could so feel your pain and tears. I wish, well, we all wish, we could take that away. You made it through one of the toughest days so far ... you are stronger than you think even when you don't know you are. But the comment above just hits it right on the head. Just keep praying and crying out to God. He hears you, and for whatever reason, he put you through this. But, he won't leave you. Not now, not ever. Don't let go of him ... he won't let go of you. Someone once told me that and it got me through tough times in the past and for what I'm going through now. Prayers and thoughts for healing are sent your way ... for as long as you need them.

[Becky]

Oh sweet Beth, I am so very sorry for how you feel. It must be excruciating. I wish like hell that I could make it all better for you and give you back your precious babies.

God, I wish that I could.

I'm sending you every single iota of light and love right this very moment. You are very, very loved.

[Chelsea]

I was thinking about you this morning at church wondering how you were dealing with today. Our pastor spent a great deal of time talking about how painful Mother's Day is for those who are struggling with infertility or the loss of children. Yes, technically your sweet boys are dead, but only in body. They are alive in heaven -- I'm sure of it. And someday you all will be reunited for eternity, a concept I still can't grasp. I think it's important to grieve but don't forget the hope you have of James and Jake waiting for you in heaven. Sometimes that hope is the only thing we can hold onto.

[Becky]

Oh sweet Beth, I am so very sorry for how you feel. It must be excruciating. I wish like hell that I could make it all better for you and give you back your precious babies.

God, I wish that I could.

I'm sending you every single iota of light and love right this very moment. You are very, very loved.

[Shannon]

You're right, tomorrow is a new day but you can do this! You WILL get through this. Unfortunately, the journey may be more painful than the reward, but the end result is that you are going to complete this path as a strong woman who will forever live her life with two dedicated guardian angels.
Hang in there and remember it's ok to go outside and scream into the backyard.

[Lindy]

If God has put you to it. God will pull you through it. Have faith. On your bad days you can always turn to us for extra strength. Theres lots of people here praying for you & your family.

[Rachel Chip]

lifting you up in prayer. It's been a tough day, but tomorrow is new. sorry I can't say more... sending love and prayer.

[Sharon]

Dear Beth... More prayers than you will ever imagine are being said for you. Please keep holding on so tightly to your baby-angels. They will guide your spirit, especially in the darkest of moments. They want your heart to be happy...
With much love,
Sharon

[Shannon]

Oh Beth my heart just aches for you. I read your blog daily and have been praying so heavily for you. I honestly cannot begin to imagine your pain. There are simply no words - just know you are being bathed in prayer.

Sweet blessings to you,
Shannon

[Jill]

Oh Beth, I'm a new reader and I'm just trying to catch up. I am so sorry that you don't have your babies to hold today. To have four little ones wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.
Your pain is so much. But please know that I am praying for you. Specifically. Right now I am asking that our Lord, our Father in Heaven ease your pain, take you in His arms and hold you, cradle you. I pray that your heart will find healing, that your will be comforted.
I am so sorry.

[RubiaLala]

Beth I am so sorry for you. I am sorry that you have to go through this agony. I pray for God to give you strength. And peace in your heart.

Love, Alysia

[Ang]

Oh Beth honey, my heart just aches for you. I wish we could all take just a chunk of your pain and help lift it away. I don't get to comment very often, but I started reading about the time of your announcement of the twins. You hang in there! I know their physical bodies have passed, but I know they are alive in heaven, playing and watching over you, probably also hoping they could make you laugh and ease your pain. I know they'd try. Yes, you need to grieve, and I think this post shows you just advanced through a very rough part of your grief, but no matter how horrible you feel, please keep writing. Get it out of your system. We're still here!!
Hugs and much love to you!!
Ang

[Lucia]

Beth,
I am terribly sorry for all your saddness and pain. You have been in my prayers for sometime now and will continue to be. It is hard to know what to say, what words will help or what will hurt. You are strong even when you don't feel it, you are feeling exactly what you should feel. There is no right or wrong way or right or wrong time to grief. You are doing absolutely the best and the most you can do. You are being a wonderful mother for all four of your children. The boys are always with you in your heart and mind and they never knew anything but pure, endless, true love from you. I hope you are able to rest tonight knowing that you and all your children are in the thoughts and prayers of so many.

[Tina]

Your post today brought me to tears and instantly into prayer for you! There is no way I can understand you pain but I can feel it in your writing and it shakes me to the bone. I am praying for you.

[milk&honey]

Beth, you really have more prayers said for you, and positive energy sent to you, and strength than you know. We're all here for you, lifting you up. Love you.

[Jen]

((((HUGS))) and prayers honey. I have been praying for you non-stop since you first shared the news of your pregnancy. Loss sucks. I miss my mom today and you miss your boys. It all sucks. My mom should be here to hug my girls and baby boy. James and Jake should be here kicking you in the ribs.

Will continue to pray for strength and peace and new hope for you and Brian.

[MamaBearJune]

This is a painful day for so many. Loss of children, loss of a mother, facing other tragedies or illnesses. Praying for all those who are hurting and saying special prayers for you, Beth. Praying that the Lord would shelter you under the shadow of His wing. He is the great Comforter.