I Should Be Folding Laundry

Mothers

I approach this Mother's Day in a way that I never knew possible.  I think back to last year when my biggest concern was if Brian was going to offer to take us out to breakfast or would I have to suggest it?

I didn't know how unimportant that really was.

My foundation, my beliefs, my soul have been rocked.  My life flipped upside down and shaken - it's contents flying about.  As a person, a woman, a mother, I'm no longer certain.  I ache.  I realize I am not in control

When I think of James and Jake, I feel their love immensely.  I sense their guidance, although they were with us for such a short time, I would rather have known them a little, than not known them at all.  How does that saying go?  It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

It is so painfully true.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and the day I would have turned thirty weeks pregnant.  It's almost too much for me to be able to handle, I am feeling so much emotion right now.  My sister and I just went to Kohl's and the sight of infant boys summer clothes hanging on a rack with clearance tags nearly brought me to my knees.  I swim in sadness, but somehow, my love for my family and those tiny boys is bigger than anything I could ever imagined.  Somehow, someway, my heart and my life are full, although empty.

Back on February 26, 2008, if I had even imagined what my Mother's Day would have been like, I would have seen myself in the fetal position, crying out, clutching my heart.  I would have wanted to skip over this celebration of Mothers and landed on the day after.

But I can't.   I am here.  Ariel and Racecar are here.  James and Jake are in my heart - where they belong, for the rest of my life.  Although it's not how I want to mother them, just in my heart, it's all I have and I will take all I can get.

It is my hope for you, whether you are expecting your first or your fifth child, whether you are trying to conceive or are adopting, whether your children or your child are in heaven or here on earth, it is my wish that you feel the love that surrounds you on this day.  That you see how special you are.  It is my hope that you comprehend the enormity of being a Mom.  and the miracle growing inside of you, if you are pregnant.  The importance of your role is not only significant in your children's lives and your husband's life, but yours and other mothers. Realize the good.  Accept the difficult.  Embrace the noise, the mess, the tantrums, the diapers, the late nights. 

They will not last forever - now is your time.  Hold it tight, it is so very precious.

Happy Mother's Day.

Lemonade

Today started out like any other day, I woke up a little too late, the kids and I ran around getting ready for school, as is our routine and we had ten minutes to spare.  Just like everyday.  I had a full list of to-dos today, which included my job, a huge side project that isn't a side project at all, a showing at our house and being a Mom and a Wife.

We dropped Racecar off at school, picked up a cup of coffee from McDonald's and headed home.  I was busily preparing my massive to-do list in my head, knowing that I'd forget something if I didn't write it down.

We pulled into the driveway, I couldn't spare a second, I had so much to do.  Deadlines!  House to clean!  Blog! I opened the garage door with the opener, we jumped out of the car, approached the door.  And it was locked.  but that's okay!  I have a house key!  I retrieved my keys from my messy purse, "I don't have time for this!" I say to myself.  I slid the key into the lock.   No good, still locked.  I slid a different into the lock; still locked.

We were locked out of the house.

All I could think about was my laptop sitting on the table and I was unable to access it.  Sure, I had access to my blackberry, but there wasn't much I could do with that.  So, I called my realtor, I knew she would be able to open our lock box and get us in.  I called.  No answer.  I left a voicemail.  I e-mailed her.  In the meantime, poor Ariel was starving as she hadn't had breakfast, yet.  We drove through the McDonald's drive-thru, we parked and ate and waited for a return phone call.

"Could this day get any worse?" I thought to myself.

We drove back home, parked in the garage, I sent a few e-mails, cleaned out the car, while Ariel rode her bike and drew on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.  Suddenly, she comes running towards me with her hand behind her back, she screamed at me concerned "I HAVE TO POOP!  I HAVE TO POOP!  I HAVE TO POOP!  IT'S COMING OUT!"

oh dear.

"Ariel, you are going to have to hold it."

She shot me a look like "honey, they're ain't no holdin' this shit in."

I read her look, got the message, and told her to get into her car seat, "sitting down will help you" and "I'll drive us to the gas station." "Okay, Mama," she replied.  I rush her, "hurry, honey! HURRY!"

We went into reverse.

And I ran over her bike.

Are you freaking kidding me?   The only thing worse than running over your child's bike, is if they are with you when you run over their bike.  She watched heard ME massacre HER bike?  Suddenly she wasn't worried about poop any longer.

And I started looking for hidden cameras and Ashton Kutcher hiding behind the bushes.

No camera.  No Ashton.

We drove to the gas station, did our business and started heading home to, I don't know, sit in the driveway and stare at the broken bike.  But instead, I turned in the other direction.  My mood suddenly shifted.

I surrendered.  I quickly realized that sitting in my garage isn't going to make my realtor call back any sooner.  Instead, I embraced the bad moments of the morning and set out to make our morning better.  We drove to the Dunes and went for a long walk, or adventure as we like to call it.  We sat at every bench on the trail, but only for a moment on each as we had lots to see.  We talked.  I smelled spring.  I listened to those birds singing their amazing songs.  I felt the softness of my daughter's hand inside of mine.  No computers.  No cell phones.  No blackberries.  Just she and I, and James and Jake. 

I felt them.  I was filled with emotion, sadness and love mixed with anger and delight, but I felt the peace of my life during those moments.  Walking hand in hand with my daughter, I missed my sons so much.  Her touch providing the strength I needed. 

During those moments, while surrounded by trees and birds and flowers and sun and love, so much love, I felt like James and Jake had wrapped a gift up for me, wrapped in a bad morning, but inside that bad morning was glory and goodness.  We have decided, Ariel and I, that on Mother's Day we will walk through the Dunes with Brian and Racecar by our sides.  And I know, I just know James and Jake will be above us, smiling.

I can't wait to do it every single year.   I am so glad we were locked out today, it is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

This past Thursday

It's been a long time since I've sat down and written a post.  I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post.  Being busy is good.  Real good.

I have many fears.  I didn't know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body.  I guess I should say, I didn't know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body.  I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for me.  But I wonder if you understand.

I have many fears and many anxieties.  Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I'm not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy.  Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me.  I hate it.  I can't stand it.  If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief.  But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again.  Forever.

The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends.  Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don't want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it's not that easy.

I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist.   Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn't even set in with me.  But I told her because I didn't want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy.  I've been known to do that once twice before.  After the twins died, I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn't know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief.  I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear. 

Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake's obituary in the paper and sent us a card - so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared.  Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.

I feared going into my doctor's office where we learned James and Jake were boys.  My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one.  But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much.  Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced.  I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed."  Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love.  I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly.  A good memory with them, we do have so few.

This past Thursday, I faced these fears.  Head on.  I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend's house while I went to the other doctor's office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister. 

Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears.  I liked it.  I hated it.  It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.

I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were.  Giant hurdles.  And I jumped over them and landed on my feet.  This past Thursday.

I am certain that the ultrasound tech was right, we are so blessed.

Random things about me

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven't left one, please do, I'd love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn't heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it's been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don't think I'm supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We'd spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven't played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I've been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can't remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don't care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your happy, fun times, when sadness wasn't present, was a miracle from God. God is truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This cathartic potential has been present all along, and it's only now sadly reaching its true creation's purpose. It's so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald's coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven't already, tell me something about you, okay?

The Sun

If you've come here looking for a post about how sad I am today, I'm afraid you will have to search the archives from the past two weeks to find what you are looking for.  Today, for the third day in a row, the sun in shining and I have to believe it is having a positive effect on me.  Between the not so cold weather, time, my house being disgustingly clean, the sun, the support of all of you, my friends and my family and quite honestly, my pal, Prozac, today feels better.

Even though Brian went back to work today and even though Racecar did not go to school today because he has a fever, TODAY, or at least RIGHT NOW, things feel good and I want to roll around in the goodness.

So, I'm going to show you some pictures and take you through some happy things.  I think we all deserve that.  Don't you?

This is a picture taken this morning of the kids in our bed, watching TV.  Between the kids and the stuffed animals, you can see there is limited room for Mom.  So, up I went to make coffee and take pictures.

Little did you know, last weekend we traveled to Louisville for one night to visit my sister and her family.  It was her son's third birthday, so we wanted to celebrate with him and we did.  Throughout this entire ordeal of losing James and Jake, my sister has been a solid rock for me to lean on.  She has gone out of her way to do incredible things for us and these two quilts are the perfect example of what kind of person she is.  She and another angel of a woman, worked on these two precious items that I love with all of my heart and soul.  My sister (Sarah) stayed up late and worked so hard to get these done before our visit and somehow she did.  They are made up of various meaningful fabrics, the stripe fabric is from one of Racecar's shirts when he was a baby and another fabric is from one of Ariel's sleepers that she wore.  I wish you could feel how soft these are or smell them, they smell so good.  I have been sleeping with them each night. I love them, when I look at them I think about so many things, but mostly I think about the thoughtfulness and generosity of my sister.

This is my sister's daughter.  She's so fun and so pretty.

This is a necklace that Brian and I ordered for me, I love to wear this necklace, it's so special to me.  It's from Planetjill, I love the quality and it shipped quickly.

Here are some pictures of Racecar taken this morning.  This is Racecar with a fever.  Can you imagine him without a fever?  He's an amazing child.

And finally, our Ariel.  Our warm, loving and caring Ariel.  She had her kindergarten physical yesterday, it's hard to believe she's so old.  She's such a special little girl.

My parents, oh my parents have been so good to us.  They have been coming over every night after work and having dinner with us, they have been playing with the kids and bringing over my favorite Coldstone Creamery ice cream, they've just been here for us.  We are so grateful for them and the time they have been spending with us.  I don't think they'll ever know how much it has helped us cope.

And finally, if I could take a picture of all of you, with your prayers and your positive thoughts and your comments, I would, of every single one of you.  I just hope my words can paint a vivid enough picture for you of how amazing I think you all are.  Thank you for caring and understanding and for sending your love.  I can feel it.  From each and everyone of you.

Finding Out

We were not trying to get pregnant when I became pregnant this time around.  In fact, I was trying not to get pregnant.  I was struggling with thyroid problems and had been told by my endocrinologist and my general physician that I should do everything possible to avoid getting pregnant as a pregnancy would not survive with my thyroid levels.

I thought I had counted out my days properly for ovulation, but apparently I have difficulty either counting or understanding the rules of ovulation...because I became pregnant.  Obviously.

In the middle of 2007, Brian and I had decided that another child was indeed in our future, we just were not sure when.  We thought maybe sometime in 2008 would be good for getting pregnant.  Yep, that was our plan.

It was some time before my period was due in November, long enough before it was due that I wasn't even thinking about my period, that my boobs began to hurt.  They hurt real bad.  I blew it off as a symptom of my cycle or maybe my hormone imbalance from my thyroid levels being off.  Then one day after lunch, while the kids were awake, I actually laid down on my couch and took a nap.  I had never done that before.  Still, I never once thought that I could be pregnant.

The day after I fell asleep, leaving my kids unsupervised, I was folding laundry after dinner.  I started to think of my cycle and when I was due for my period, because, damn, my boobs HURT.  I realized I was only three days from starting, but I was consistently two days early every month, so I should start the following day.

And then the thought ran across my mind...could I be pregnant?  Certainly not as I had "diligently" counted out the days of my ovulation and we certainly avoided conception during that time.  Hadn't we?  But the thought nagged me more and more with each article of clothing I folded.  I remembered I had a pregnancy test left over from months ago.  I told Brian I was going to take it, he just laughed at me because that's what he does when I say I'm going to take a pregnancy test.   (we'll call it "nervous laughter.")

So, I took the test, put it on my counter and it told me I was pregnant.  Immediately - three days before my period was even due.

I was stunned and in denial.  Brian was in the living room with the kids, I stuck my head out of the bedroom door and said something profound and romantic like "ummmmmmm...hello???  uhhhh????  yes????"  Because I could not say the words.  He finally caught on to my word jumble and said "NO WAY!"   And he seemed excited and he hugged me and I was like "I'm sure it's wrong, I'll go buy another test."

He laughed again.

And laughed again when he realized I was serious when I put on my coat.  I did call my sister, Sarah, and tell her, because that's what I do.  She told me I was crazy for thinking it could be wrong.  I thought she was crazy for thinking it was right.

So, off I went, to Walgreens for two more tests.

They were positive.

As soon as the positive line showed up I feared the worse, thanks to the warnings of my doctor's.  I called my endo the following day and she ordered a full thyroid work up, and although my levels were still not normal, they were much, much better from just two weeks before.  It took me about a week to get even a little excited about the pregnancy because I was sure my thyroid levels would not allow the pregnancy to progress.

But they did and they continue to be stable.  Thank God.

When I reflect back on those first days of finding out about the pregnancy and being a little scared about the change that is sure to come, I'm always amazed at how easily "the pregnancy" becomes your child.  How, as a mother, you instinctively begin to nurture and love this tiny being inside of you, from the moment you see the line on a test.  And how with each passing day, as your body grows and your symptoms increase, this baby inside of you, is yours.  And you'll do anything to protect it.

And even with morning sickness, fatigue, crazy hormones, having to give up coffee, not wanting to eat nachos anymore and just being uncomfortable, I can't help but feel so lucky to be able to be in the situation I'm in right now.

It's pretty awesome, if you ask me.

*okay, so what I did not mention is that this past Friday, as in on 2/22, I had blood drawn to have my thyroid checked, again.  Would you believe that 15 minutes after I hit publish on this post, my GP's office called regarding my results.  They need me to come in today to discuss what came back, which was abnormal levels.  (whether they were high or low, I have no idea)  SO - to say I'm freaking out would be an understatement.  I've called my OB to fill her in, hopefully we can check on the babies today, too.  Please, if you pray, say a prayer or send positive thoughts that all is well inside this belly of mine.

undomesticated

I'm feeling a little, uhhhhh, lazy lately.

The laundry needs to be tackled.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The kids' rooms are disasters.  but to clean them would require bending over.

My bedroom is a mess.  as usual.

There's dust just about everywhere, but I don't seem to care that much.

The kitchen floors could be mopped, but I'd rather not.  quite frankly.

I should vacuum, sweep and swiffer, but there are so many blogs to read!

The bathrooms could use a good wipe down, but how boring, plus it's kind of interesting to see how quickly soap scum and toothpaste can cover every square inch of the counter top.

I'm a little surprised that I'm showered, the kids are bathed and the kitchen counters have been wiped down in the past 24 hours.  But, I'm all about high standards.  obviously.

Yes, yes, I'm pregnant and tired and every moment I seem to grow another centimeter, but still, I sure would love to be able to race around and clean my house without grunting when I bend over.

I try to get my husband to really pitch in and help, but apparently that request confuses him.  To help him understand, last week I said "how about, whenever you see ANYTHING laying on the floor, you pick it up and put it away and then I won't have to bend over."

He said "okay, no problem." Which, I guess, could also have been taken as "shutthehellup, fatty."

What we have here, is a failure to communicate, apparently.  I guess to better demonstrate my lack of desire to bend over, I'll stuff a beach ball filled with sand underneath his skin in the belly region and ask him to clean the house.  with a smile on his face.

I'll be sure to take pictures.

*edited to add - my husband really is very helpful, I mean, he empties the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE MORNING, he almost always cleans up after dinner and he takes out the trash and bathes the kids, so it's not like he's a jerk or anything, it's just that he won't bend over and pick up all of the crap off the floor.

that's all.

Where's my motherhood crown?

Brian has been gone for almost 22 hours and he'll be back in almost 86 hours. 

Not that I'm counting down or anything.  But it is hard work being the only butt wiper in the family and the person who takes them potty in the middle of the night.  We also had an unfortunate incident with a monster in Racecar's room at 3 a.m., he was not happy and I was not happy.  I think my angered face scared the monster away.  He never came back again.

Then, my darling children woke up at 7:19 a.m. on a day with no school.  I will be punishing them severely by allowing them to watch ridiculous amounts of TV and allowing copious amounts of Wii and computer time just to stay out of my very frizzy, pony tailed hair.  I'm stern like that. 

So, we have a day of nothing today and I'm not too happy about that.  I'd like to take a shower, and I will, I'd like to go to the store to get some fresh produce, and I won't, I'd like to go to the Old Navy and Gap outlet stores to see if they have maternity clothes, but I won't because, hello????  15 degrees and dropping rapidly.  It would be awesome if outlet malls could have domes for the winter.  I would be all over that.

Well, the children have found me crouched in the closet trying to blog, so I guess I better feed them some breakfast and do some laundry.  We are moments away from not having enough underwear and it's much too cold for that.

There's always guilt

This summer, our family will be growing by two boys.  This summer, we will have three boys and one girl, and although I am so incredibly excited about these additions, I am also feeling sadness and a little guilt.

Because Ariel will never have a sister. 

On Christmas day, when I was ten weeks along, we finally told Ariel and Racecar that I was pregnant and that there were two babies in Mommy's belly.   The news did not really affect them too much, Ariel told me that there were NOT two babies in my belly, that there was only food in my belly.  Which, quite honestly, was true, too.  But after a few days, she came around and would announce to everyone that I am having a girl baby and a boy baby.  She felt very strongly about this.

When we would talk to her and tell her that the babies could quite possibly be two girls or two boys (which, by the way, it was always my gut feeling that we were going to have two boys), she would reply very sweetly with "two girls would be great, too, but NOT two boys."  She'd smile and be on her merry way.

Her feelings have remained consistent for the past seven weeks.  So, this weekend, just a day away from finding out the sexes of the twins, I had a nice little chat with her about the very real chance that these babies could be boys, but that just meant that she and I would be The Girls in the family, we could shop and paint our nails together and that we would always be very close.  And I have to say, she seemed pretty excited about that idea.

Then when the tech told Brian and I that we were having two boys, we both looked at each other and we were thinking the same thing. "what the hell is Ariel going to say?"

When we told them the news, we were in the car, I turned to tell her the very exciting news and she was so excited, she exclaimed that "now you and me will be twins and best friends forever!!!!!"  We laughed (with tears of relief in our eyes!) and said "yes!" and "can you believe we are going to have three boys in the family!?"  Not believing it ourselves.  I turned back to the front of the car and felt happiness that she took the news so wonderfully and then a realization hit me for the first time since getting the results and I felt a pit in my stomach. 

She'll never have a sister.

And where I know there are millions of woman who do not have sisters who are just fine, I grew up with three sisters.  Three sisters that I remain close to.  Sisters I fought and played with in childhood, sisters who I share and bond with in motherhood.  Sisters who I can call when my husband is being an idiot or when I just feel fat, sisters who will help me move or clean my house.   I have three sisters.

I honestly do feel sadness over this, it does not overwhelm me,  I do not cry over it, but it is there and I can't deny it.  But it is also a strong reminder of how blessed my life has been and continues to be. 

It will be my hope and life mission to raise a kind, confident, loving girl who will find sisterhood through friendship that will carry her through life.  Because I know that exists, too.  And although I won't be able to hand her a real life sister to live and play with, I can teach her how to be a good sister to her brothers and her friends.

I think that's pretty good, too.

(no, Mom, I will not try for another girl after this pregnancy)