I Should Be Folding Laundry

The Perfect Day

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.

I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000.  Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot.  (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 - you can still donate.  Something tells me we'll hit $11,000.)

The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team. 

As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day.  My heart started to melt seeing these people.

I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause.  I am in awe of Stacie.

Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on.  These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it.  Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat.  Thank you, Amy - my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us.  I think you are awesome.

The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk.  Pride & disbelief is what felt. 

Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place.  Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies.  Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.

The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker.  Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons.  I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake.  I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.

We started off the walk - Team James and Jake in our shirts - we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul.  But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.

As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane.  I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses.  I thought about all of you - I walked for you, too.

After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done.  I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that's what we set out to do.  As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can't and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them.  And I will walk for them again.

Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake.  It was the perfect day.

It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 - the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald's gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts - I know we are loved and I thank you for it.  We feel your love.  I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.

The tears may be flowing, but so is the love.  The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.

Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow's flickr page.)

Starting the walk.  (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)

Left to right - my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece's boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)

 

So much to do, so little time.

Do the laundry.
Pack my clothes and a thousand pairs of shoes for the trip. (would you believe I tried on MORE jeans last night and bought another pair.  I have issues.)
Fold Brian's clothes - since he tends to roll his clothes, rather than fold his clothes.
Pack the kids for the four night stay at Grandma's.  (They could not be more excited.)
Clean my house for showings while we are gone.   (Which may or may not happen.)
Try to go shopping to find the perfect jacket or sweater.  (Why is it so hard to find this article of clothing?)
Finish watching Idol from last night.  (who do you think is going home?)
Exercise.  (I must win the challenge.)
Drink tons and tons of coffee.  (thanks, McDonald's.)
Spend time with my kids.  (The most important thing on my to-do list.)

Time for me to close my computer for a few hours and get to work and love on my kids.  I have blogged here today.

Thank you to everyone for your help with things to do in L.A., we have extended our rental car from one day to two and a half days, so we'll have more flexibility with our agenda.  I am very excited to see California.  We have not sat down and planned every detail, but I do know that having a burger at In n' Out is on the itinerary.  (You don't have to tell me twice to eat a burger.) 

I will be blogging while I am away, since I'll have time alone and I will be taking seventy million pictures.  And you must sit with me and look at every picture - it's what good friends do.

For those that I promised postcards to, I have your addresses handy in my laptop. (if you would like me to send you a postcard, e-mail me your address.)

Wish me luck or come and help me, whichever you prefer.

Random things about me

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life.  Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue.  If you haven't left one, please do, I'd love to hear from you. 

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up.  They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters.  But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children.  When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children.  I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake.  I hadn't heard from her since high school.  If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it's been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person.  I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area.  I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement.  They were scared, I was scared.  I remember shaking for hours.  Thankfully, we were safe.  Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer.  Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer. 

-I don't think I'm supposed to live in the Midwest.  I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed.  I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures.  If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer.  One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children.  We'd spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other.  It was awesome.   We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too.  I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death.  I haven't played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game.  I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready.  We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003.  Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that.  So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados.  It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family.  I've been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can't remember.  I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins.  My weight today is 169. 

-I usually love food, but right now I don't care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country.  One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote:  You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your happy, fun times, when sadness wasn't present, was a miracle from God. God is truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This cathartic potential has been present all along, and it's only now sadly reaching its true creation's purpose. It's so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog. 

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing.  I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger. 

-I hate oranges.  But I enjoy orange juice.  When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them.  That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee.  Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald's coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening.  If you haven't already, tell me something about you, okay?

Longwinded and Totally Random

Hashimoto's Disease - It appears as though my Hashimoto's is rearing it's ugly head again.  I had blood work done just days before losing the twins and the results showed that my levels were a little off.  I had a doctor's appointment two weeks ago about my thyroid but since my body's hormone levels are totally out of whack, we can't really take any type of action with medication.  I have a blood test scheduled to test my thyroid levels and my iron levels in two weeks.  I have been very, very tired, no matter how much sleep I have been getting, the type of tired I feel when my thyroid has dropped, which is very, very tired.  (am I getting that point across?)

Good Food - Would you believe people are still providing meals for us?  And what have I learned from everyone's generosity?  That I need to improve on my cooking skills.  For the past two weeks, Lynette has arranged for the Moms in our Mommy's Group to bring meals to our home and it has been incredible.  Everything has been so delicious.  And now, this week, my cousin, who owns a business making dinners, has provided dinners for us this week.  The sad part is that all of the dinners end this week, which means I'll be in charge of making dinners for us next week, it's back to the land of spaghetti and Schwan's chicken.

The Laundry - Since my Mom and my sister keep folding our laundry, I realize I'm not very good at folding laundry either.  I think I already knew that, though.

My Closet -  This past weekend my sister, Sarah, came to visit and she helped me clean out my closet which was filled with maternity clothes.  Completely and totally filled with maternity clothes.  Every time I walked into my closet I was filled with sadness and dread.  Back in January, when we were preparing our house to go on the market, I packed all of my non-maternity clothes into boxes and we put them into storage, thinking that when we moved I would unpack those regular clothes after my pregnancy.  I never though for a second that it would not happen that way.  This weekend, Brian went back into storage and pulled out my regular clothes and we washed them and put them back into my closet.  And when I say "we" I mean "Sarah" because this was one task that I just has to remove myself from completely.

Showings - This past weekend we also had three showings.  It was a very busy weekend.  Maybe that's why I'm so tired???

American Idol -  Despite everything, we have been watching American Idol, it's the one and only show we watch every week and I have to say, I love this season.  I also have to say that I can't stand to watch Amanda Overmeyer perform, it's like nails on a chalkboard.  And I really would like to see her leave, I know she's a Hoosier n' all, but I just can't stand the voice, the hair, the leg shaking and the occasional tongue sticking out after a performance.  Makes me crazy.  Am I alone?  So far I have been very pleased with who has been sent home each week, let's see if it continues...

E-mails - So many of you have sent me a personal e-mail and I wish I could respond to all of them, but I just can't.  Mainly because it's just too hard, however, I have read every single e-mail that has come through and every single one touches me and means so much.  I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send me an e-mail and sharing your condolences, stories and insight with me.

California - Brian is booking our trip right now as we speak.  Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to go.  I'm sure it's going to be a very, very good thing.

Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has made a donation to our walk honoring James and Jake and Lydia, everyone's generosity has been mind blowing, it's truly something that I lay in bed and think about the fact that there are so many kind, loving, caring individuals out there, who want to help make a difference.  So, thank you, thank you so very much.  And thank you to the individuals who have joined our team or formed a team in their area honoring the twins, there are no other words, just thank you from the bottom of our hearts.   We are in awe.

Random thoughts, scary drawings and an extra large belly shot

This past Saturday I had the privilege of having dinner with four other fine bloggers.  Carrington from Capri by the Lake, Jen from Mommy Instincts, Lynette from A Day in the Life of the Ordinary and Crooked Eyebrow.  The food was fantastic, the service was divine and the company was awesome. 

One of the highlights was being able to snap pictures of Carrington's scrumptious daughter.  In this picture she is being held by Crooked Eyebrow who apparently is also known as the The Baby Whisperer.  It's good for me to have this information, no doubt about it.  Hopefully she has this talent with a child in each arm, say this June or July.  Maybe she'll even have to move in with me for awhile.  Or forever. 

I decided to take President's Day off from, well, everything.  The kids and I literally spent the entire day at my Mom's house with my sister and her two kids.  Ariel and Racecar enjoyed a ten hour play date, without a nap, so by the end of the day, once we got home, I was VERY READY to put them to bed.  Quickly.  Without delay.  Interestingly enough, they did not seem to have a problem with that decision.

While there, my sister, Amy, who is the "artist" of the family and who also has quite the sense of humor, decided to draw random pictures throughout the day.  Here is one she drew of me after I became a little upset about something:

I'm not sure what I was upset about, but I must have been very angry.

One thing I accomplished at my Mom's was sitting around.  A LOT.  In a very hard wooden chair, which absolutely killed my butt, I was literally in pain.  Amy documented one of my most shining moments of the day:

In case you are wondering, no one would massage my butt.

and then she drew a picture of the twins.  Wearing bathrobes.  The one on the right apparently has a dislocated right shoulder and a club foot, and do I even need to mention their eyes?  I do have to say, that as scary as these pictures are, she did a pretty good job of making them identical.  By the way, if you are interested in having a portrait done of yourself or of your children, please e-mail me and I can check my sister's availability.

And here is my belly at 18 weeks, 1 day.  Holy belly, batman. 

Here is a comparison shot of my belly at 15w, 5 days, just about 2 and a half weeks ago.

At this rate, by the time I'm 30 weeks, I'll be the size of a...I don't even want to think about it.

So very, very random

-My Birthday.  My birthday was really great.  Very low key.  Honestly, the day was like any other, since Brian spoils me so much as it is, every day feels like my birthday.  He did bring me pre-birthday flowers on Wednesday and a bigger bouquet yesterday.  Then he ordered my favorite cake from Coldstone Creamery.  The kids and I went to lunch with one of my best, best, best friends, we then came home, took a nap, woke up and we walked through a house we REALLY like a second time, then we met my parents and my niece for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We came home, sang Happy Birthday (is there anything better than hearing your kids sing happy birthday to you?), we ate cake and not an hour later did I pass out on my chair.  I'm a party animal, if nothing else.  Thank you for all of your birthday wishes, I loved them!

-The Showing.  The showing went VERY well.  The family is very interested in our house and another house in our area.  They are meeting with a loan officer on Monday, they are not in a huge hurry to purchase a home.  They were in our house for 45 minutes! There was no negative feedback and that feels really good.  YEE-HAW!
 
-My heart monitor.  It felt really good to take the mo'fo off.  I was feeling a lot of burning and itching, when I peeled the monitors off my skin was raised and very red, it's still raised and red and burns.  I feel like I have a sun burn and it itches.  And when I itch it, it looks like I'm itching my boob.  It's fun.

-I'm going to dinner with my friends tonight, and I can't wait.

-Let's see, what else.  Oh yes, I do not like Brooke Shields.  There.  I said it.

-I only ate one cupcake and I did sorta hide, leaning over the countertop in my kitchen.  I sorta wish someone had taken my picture while doing it, but I'm very glad nobody did.  I still have one cupcake left.

-I'm announcing a contest tonight or tomorrow on my blog.  It has to do with these two babies in my belly.  Be sure to check back.

-If you want to read a real post by me, go here.

-We are planning a bloggy meet-up next Saturday (the 16th) at 5:30.  If you are in the Northwest Indiana vicinity and would like to attend, let me know.  (click on the words e-mail me on the right) Bloggers planning to attend: this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.  so far.  And maybe this one, if we are very, very lucky. (adults only!)

-One of my readers, Shelli, asked me what my favorite "halfway healthy food" is.   Honestly, I do not like fruits and vegetables.  Isn't that funny?  No, it's not?  Oh, well, it's pretty true.  I do LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE salads.  I eat many salads throughout the week.  Also, fiber is very important to me at this point in my life because pooping does not come easily to me during this pregnancy.  I love almost all Fiber One cereals, I eat at least one bowl each morning with a huge glass of orange juice.    I recently discovered (thanks to a ton of people telling me about them) Fiber One bars.  They are so freakin' good I can hardly take it.  And they have 9 grams of fiber.  So far I have had three flavors - oats and caramel, oats and peanut butter and oats and chocolate.  And oh my, they are all delicious.

I love firm, red seedless grapes, red delicious apples, cantaloupe and pears.  (well, I like pears)  And I like green beans and sometimes crave celery.  And I also love Papa John's pizza, which we are having for dinner tomorrow night as part of my birthday celebration.  (see? my birthday never ends!)  yes, Papa John's is sorta healthy - tomatoes, dairy, protein.  It's perfect.

Honestly, although I talk a lot about very fattening foods on this here blog, I do watch what I eat all of the time.  I am steadily gaining weight, which is so much fun, but I'm aware of everything I eat, while I gain.  I can't imagine how much weight I would have gained if I didn't pay attention.  (no, I will not tell you how much weight I have gained.  For a hint, however, think "whales."

-Oh my God, is this the longest post ever?

-I no longer want to eat Cookie Crisp.  :(

-I'm way behind on American Idol and I don't really feel affected by the writer's strike at all.  Thanks, TLC!

All right, that's it.  Check back later for my contest announcement. 

Especially if you think you are a little psychic.

Happy New Year!

You know, over a week ago, when I said I probably wouldn't blog until 2008, I didn't realize two things.  First, just how long a little over a week without blogging feels like.  I feel like I haven't blogged in about three months.  It's a very strange feeling, as if I am neglecting something.  Which in a way, I guess I am.

The other thing I didn't realize was how right I was about not having time to blog.  Every second seems to be taken up in this house.  Maybe it's because there are over 25 of us and finding a quiet spot is nearly impossible. or maybe it's because I'm either talking or shopping or eating, with very little sleep, thanks to the late poker nights.  Whatever it is - we have been so busy and it's been a great time.

Yesterday was a fun treat for Brian and I and my siblings and their spouses.  My parents gave us each money to spend on Christmas for ourselves.  This was the first time my parents have ever done anything like this, typically they spend every second in December shopping and wrapping for all seventy bajillion of us, but this year they gave the adult children money and also allotted a day for us to shop and have lunch together.  And they would watch our children.

I wept when I opened the card.  Not because of the money.  But because we could go shopping without children.

So yesterday, we piled into cars, dined at a fine Mexican restaurant, complete with refried beans and margaritas and shopped for a long, long time.  It was a super, duper, wonderful, much appreciated treat!  (which included a stop at Starbucks, of course.)

I must go now, my early morning blogging retreat that I thought would take twenty minutes before breakfast has turned into a two hour long blogging fiasco.  Therefore, I must go.

I will leave you with a few pictures.

Because there is plenty of picture taking going on.

And tongue contests going on.

You are viewing the smallest and largest tongue of the family.  They're so lucky.

And group pictures going on at Mexican restaurants.

Okay, there is only one of those.

And poker pictures, too.

Happy New Year!

Sisterhood

I have three sisters.  (and as you know, identical twin brothers)  There were six children and our parents growing up in a small, three bedroom, ONE BATHROOM home.  And as much as I want to go into to the fact that we all managed just fine in such small quarters, where now I have two toddlers, two bathrooms, three bedrooms and a decent size home and I feel like we are already outgrowing our house, I'm not going to talk about such ridiculous nonsense right now.  I'll save that for later.

Living with such a large family in somewhat cramped quarters, we all had to share beds with a sibling.

My parents were smart.  Before they had children they decided that for every child, they would have a friend.  So, when Lori was born in 1969, they had Amy in 1971.  Then, the twins were born in 1973.  I was born in 1977 and Sarah was born in 1978.  It worked out famously.  And since we had these friends that were so close in age, they were also our sleeping partners in the same bed.

Back when we were kids, laying in bed with your closest sibling was typically a very interesting ordeal.  Some would beat the other up and threaten to further beat them up if they called out for Mom or worse, yet, Dad.  Because there was nothing, nothing more frightening then seeing Dad's shadow in the doorway.  And he would just stare.  For like, hours.  I get scared just thinking about it.

No, really.  I do.

And by the way, if Sarah tells you that I was the one beating her up every single night, I'm pretty sure she's lying.   I will tell you that one day she became strong and her beatings ended.  Not that I beat her up or anything.

But there were other nights where we would comfort one another.

One night, while Lori and Amy were trying to fall asleep, Amy continued to complain about her legs hurting, you know, she was experiencing growing pains.  Lori, letting her maternal side shine, advised her to wrap socks around her leg to take the pain away.  She explained that it worked every time.  So, Amy, listening to her big sister, wrapped multiple socks around her leg and promptly fell asleep.

It wasn't long before there were many legs in the house with socks wrapped around our legs, after all, we were a growing bunch.  Sarah and I did not know the origin of the sock story, we just knew it was medically proven to help.  And it did.

Until one day, many years later, the Tying Socks Around Your Leg Cure came up in conversation and it was learned that Lori made up that whole story.  She became so irritated with Amy's tossing and turning and complaining about her leg pain that she came up with something to make her sister shut up.

And it worked.

And by golly, it still works like a charm when Ariel has leg pain.  All thanks to her Aunt Lori.  Now if I could just remember to check Ariel's legs to make sure she has removed the socks before going to church, then we'd be in business.

Thirty-One

Tomorrow, Brian turns thirty-one.

And thankfully, this year will be the easiest birthday so far.  No begging him to tell me what he wants, I won't be needing to dash into Best Buy or Circuit City or even Barnes and Noble.

It's all been taken care of it.  All I need to do is buy a cake from Coldstone Creamery and make dinner.

Because he bought his own gift in October.

A 56 inch gift.  It's my most favorite birthday of his so far.  Maybe next year he'll buy a finished basement.

Weekend Divinity

This past weekend was so enjoyable.  It started out right with a date with Brian.  We had dinner and I only ate HALF of my entree.  Which is supposedly a good thing.  We then got some Christmas shopping done.

The downfall of the night was going to the mall on a Friday night that was filled with thousands of rude people, really rude and they were mostly teenagers who had nothing better to do on a Friday night that loiter and get in my way and drop doors in my face.  Yeah, you, I'm talking to you, rude girl.  jerk.

Then we went to Toys R Us, which is always an interesting experience, so we expected the worst and left pleasantly surprised.  Well, not really pleasant at all, just a little surprised.

Then Saturday I had a hair appointment where I got my hair cut and colored, and well, that's just fun sometimes, isn't it?  Cause you know, no kids.  Despite their attempts to go with me.

Then I came home and took a snooze, just to wake up and go to dinner, yet again.

But this time I went with Crooked Eyebrow and Milk and Honey, names I use even when talking to Brian about them.  And it was divine.  Sorta like going away on a secluded vacation for four solid hours.  Yes, that good.  We talked.  And talked.  And talked.

And talked.

Without interruptions.  Well, I guess we were interrupted by our waitress bringing drinks and dessert, which just adds to the awesomeness of it all.

Then yesterday morning we went to church and headed out on our a Christmas Tree Hunt.  And we found THE tree at the first store.  At a great price.  So great of a price that we bought a HUGE blow up snowman and four foot Christmas trees and SO MUCH MORE!  (thanks, Home Depot!)

All items will remain safely in their boxes for at least another two weeks.  thankyouverymuch.

Then to top it off, Brian folded AND put away an entire load of kids clothes.  Without me asking him.

Which sorta felt like Christmas.  I almost put up my Christmas tree.

See?  And to think...next weekend should be even better!  You know, because of the turkey.